Parody of Symphonia
by UnluckyAmulet
Summary: A parody of TOS, including Lloyd's evershrinking attention span, Colette's blondeness, Raine's ruinmania, Genis's bratitude, Sheena's cleavage, and...yeah, you get the idea. Plothopes, sarcasm and loopholes galore!
1. Oracles and the obvious

Hi everybody! This is my first TOS story, basically just a parody of the game. Crack, humour and other junk galore! Yes, there is character-bashing, but nobody will be an exception, so don't worry if you're worried about your favourites. Rated T because of language, inuuendos and...well, I just LIKE rating things T, okay? Enjoy!

* * *

_Once upon a time, there was this big-ass tree that was the source of all life energy (let's call it mana, shall we? Chakra, chi and reiatsu were all taken) A war, however, caused the tree to wither and die, so everybody was pretty bummed. A hero's life was sacrificed to take its place. Grieving over the loss, the Goddess into the heavnes. She left the angels with this message:_

"You must wake me, because my alarm clock is broken and if I sleep, everybody dies."

So the Angels then got busy in the bedroom and bore the Chosen One, who headed off to the tower to wake the lazy goddess up.

And that marked the beginning...of this parody!  
  
"Lloyd Irving, wake up!"

Lloyd felt something connect with his head.

"Ow! My brain!" he hollered, collapsing onto the floor and clutching his forehead, "Now I don't know how to do math! THE PAIN!"

"Anyway, back to explaining why the Chosen is so gosh darn important." Raine went on, but for some reason her name bar thing was still under ? Like she was an exceedingly powerful boss instead of a teacher in a ridiculously under-stocked village, which only sells wooden swords and Frisbees for weapons. Hell, they DESERVE to be the Desian's personal doormats.

"Genis, do you know the answer?"

"Well, duh. I'm the child-prodigy-mage-thing." Genis responded pompously, putting his hand on his hip in a very camp way. "Which basically means I act like a snobbish private-school brat throughout the first part of the game. Anyway." he cleared his throat importantly, made a few hand-gestures, and said something along the lines of, "Blahdy blah blahing blah. Really blah. Blah blah blahing blah."

Oh, no, wait, sorry. Lloyd had fallen asleep again, forgetting about his dented brain.

Then an OMG bright light suddenly came into the classroom. Seriously, it was so bright that for a minute everybody thought they'd all died.

"Whoa...what was that?" Lloyd gasped, waking up, because the light had seared into his eyelids.

"That's..." Colette said dumbly, her mouth hanging open.

"SETTLE DOWN EVERYONE!" Raine said, even though everybody was just sitting there. "Kthnxbi!"

And Raine was gone, in a puff of chalk, to go study the fascinating ruins.

"Does nobody else wonder why she doesn't just END class if she's going to go look at the temple?" one girl randomly asked. Somebody quickly muffled her and dragged her out of the room. Naturally, Lloyd was oblivious.

"Okay, Colette, Genis, let's go to the temple thing!" Lloyd said, already marching out the door. Genis whined something, but Lloyd ignored it because that's what Genis does. Colette just followed them, because for some reason she needed them to leave too before she could go to HER oracle.

"Hey...what's with this Colette-shaped hole in the wall?" Genis asked, pointing at it. Colette blushed.

"I was mopping the floor and I tripped."

"You smashed into the WHOLE of the wall with your body?" Lloyd demanded, "What the hell were you doing, dancing with the mop?"

_Colette gained the title of 'Dances with mops!'_

So off they went to the Martel Temple, barring at one point when Colette tripped for absolutely no reason, not even to advance the plot. Then they saw something in robes staggering around on the steps. And no, it wasn't a drunken vicar, but it sure was close!

"Hey, look! It's a pastor!" Genis cried, pointing. And indeed there was.

"He doesn't look so good." Colette stated.

"He looks kind of half-dead." Lloyd put in. Then the pastor collapsed in front of them.

"OMG, are you alright?" shouted Lloyd, Colette and Genis at once.

"Obviously I'm not, you ignorant children." the pastor replied, and then coughed up some blood. "Chosen...I'm sorry for my...pointless...desian-related death..."

"NOOO! Man I've only known for less then 5 minutes!" wailed Colette. Lloyd glared up at the Temple, which still seemed to be shining.

"I bet it was the desians!" he declared, being pretty effing obvious because the Pastor had just freaking said so.

"Where did the corpse go?" Genis asked. But Lloyd wasn't listening- He had already run blindly up the stairs with Colette skipping merrily behind him. Sighing, Genis followed, muttering something about having scrawny chicken-legs.

"Hey you, I'm going to fight you for no real reason besides the fact you may be desians!" Lloyd shouted at the people who were standing around Phiadra. They all blinked at this bold and frankly rather idiotic statement.

"He thinks we're desians." Said one.

"Shut up, you desian bastard!" Lloyd shouted, totally missing the point.

They fought. They won. But alas! Then a guy with a big swingy-chain came out, and the kids were obviously getting their butts kicked.

Frisbees do not do well against chains. Or wimpy little fireballs. Or wooden swords.

I mean, what were they going to do, give the chain-swingy-guy a boo-boo?

"Damn...he's tough." Lloyd grunted, waiting for the final blow.

_SHING!_

Lloyd looked up to see a guy dressed completely in lavender standing in front of them and simultaneously giving them a great view of his ass.

"…Why…" Lloyd asked dramatically, "Are you dressed up like a plum?"

"Get out of the way." Quipped Kratos. Well, it's not really a quip, since that's pretty much all he ever says besides stating the obvious.

Asses were kicked.

"Okay, well, we'll be going now." The not-desians decided, and fled.

"Oh wow, you have uber skillz." Phiadra said politely. "Here's £100"

"Why are you giving him money!" Lloyd asked, "He's barely done anything!"  
"Shut up, Lloyd." Genis said.

"Your name is Lloyd?" Kratos said, turning. He WOULD have said it more dramatically, but he can't because he's emotionally constipated.

"Yes, but who are you do ask for my name?" Lloyd replied haughtily.

"Well, I did just save your moronic red-and-black ass from getting killed by some guy with whips...and chains." Kratos replied, irritably.

Lloyd didn't really have anything to say to that, because he's yet to acquire the skill: Back-sass. Plus Mr. Purple kind of had a point.

"Kinky." mumbled Genis.

Once Phiadra established that without Kratos, the only thing to protect the Blonde Doofus was a guy with the attention span of a doorknob and his fly down, and a wimpy little mage that sounded like a girl.

"You two go home." Kratos told Lloyd and Genis patronisingly; "Both of you weren't any better against Whip man, so go home like good little sheep."

"Hell no!" Lloyd replied, annoyed at being bossed around by somebody who's hairstyle looked distinctly like a scarecrow. "I want to come in and watch!"

"Who knows WHAT you'd do to Colette..." Genis muttered.

"Lloyd?" Phaidra said dimly. "You?"  
"Yes. Me. And I'm going in! You can't stop me!" Lloyd declared. Kratos cleared his throat, and Phaidra gave him another 100 Gald.

So, after some bribery, Kratos joined the party. Hooray.

"Okay, dungeon time!" Lloyd announced, "Now maybe I can learn something better then that wimpy little demon fang!"

"Here's a book." Kratos told Lloyd, giving him a book. An INVISIBLE one. Yeah. "Maybe you can try reading it. Or use it as toilet paper when you run out."

"Wow...thanks for being an utter prick." Lloyd muttered. So they went through the golem-filled dungeon, acquired a ring that nobody seems to wear, and got to the door.

After slaughtering some blobs of...jelly. And worms and stuff.

"Let's go in!" Colette chirped stupidly. Like they were all just going to say, "No, thanks, I'd rather go home and watch Ugly Betty."

Opening the door, Lloyd celebrated before his ADD kicked in. Kratos sighed and pretty much had to PUSH Lloyd into the warp panel. He didn't need to bother with Colette because he could easily see that she'd just blindly follow Lloyd. Genis walked in on his own.

They came in to see a stone room with unnecessarily large windows. Then a golden light began to glow from a funky red circle on an altar on the middle of the floor.

A figure in a green dress descended from on high.

"Wow! What is that!" cried Lloyd, as though the figure was either deaf or oblivious.

"An Angel, I would assume." Kratos said monotonously. Genis rolled his eyes. It was pretty freaking obvious.

"Chosen of Mana, you must release all the seals to awaken the Goddess."

"TO THE ZOO!" cried Colette loudly. Everyone blinked at her idiotic outburst.

"No...Not that kind of seal." Remial explained patiently, but there was a vein throbbing in his forehead. "Take this Cruxis Crystal."

A glowing red thing floated down to Colette, who stared at it moronically before sticking it to her neck.

"Anyway, we of Cruxis bless this event! Behold, a dramatic zoom-in of the pointlessly tall tower!"

And the camera did just that.

"Thank you. I swear on my life I will Regeneration the world!" Colette said, striking a would-be heroic pose.

"Yeah, good luck with that." Remial muttered, then took the opportunity to fly off.

"Are you my father?" Colette blurted out before she could stop herself. Remial looked dumbfounded.

"Er...sure, why not? ...Uh, see you at the next seal, Colette my daughter." he added, for good measure.

Then he left, presumably to go and bleach his hair or perfect his stage voice.

"Wow! So I really am the daughter of an Angel!" gasped the gullible incarnate. "But I'd better get home now, so Raine can't catch me out of class."

And Colette padded forward and stepped on the warp pad, vanishing.

"Yeah...I'd better follow her to make sure nobody convinces her to come into their gingerbread house." Kratos grunted, following Colette.

"Come on, Lloyd." Genis said, "It'll look suspicious, just us two up here."

"Yeah, you have a point thar." Lloyd agreed before jumping onto the pad.

Back on the ground level, they descended the stairs to see Raine standing there with a manic, somewhat possessed look in her eyes. Why they hadn't run into her before is beyond me. I mean, what was she doing, admiring the bricks at the back of the building?

"FANTASTIC!" Raine cried, before spotting Genis and Lloyd.

"Hi, Professor Sage." Lloyd grinned awkwardly.

"What are you two doing here?" Raine demanded, "You should be at school studying!"

She advanced toward Genis, who backed off.

"I-I'm sorry Raine!" he stammered, "But since I'm so smart anyway-"

"LIEZ!" shouted Raine. "SPANKING TIME, GENIS!"

And grabbing Genis and holding him in a completely undignified manner, Raine spanked, his ass hard.

Lloyd shut his eyes. He COMPLETELY WASN'T getting turned-on by this. At all.

"Your turn Lloyd."

Lloyd opened his eyes just in time to see Raine's foot collide into his stomach, almost making his breakfast flying out of his-

Yeah. You get the idea.

"Ow, my pancreas!" moaned Lloyd.

"Now the you two have learnt your lesson, you can go home. Class is dismissed for the day."

"Why didn't you just cancel class BEFORE you ran out?" Lloyd wheezed, but Raine was deaf to anything apart from...well, she was just deaf for now. Rocks don't talk. Genis and Lloyd departed the temple, hearing Raine's maniacal laughter echoing around the temple.

"Your sister has serious problems." Lloyd deadpanned to Genis.

The boy sighed.

"Tell me about it."

* * *

Yeah, this chapter is a bit rushed, but I always find the first part of the game a little boring after a while. Reviews would be luff.


	2. Hanging around human ranches is fun!

Yay! I managed to update on time for a change! Thanks so much for your reviews!

Anyway, here's chapter 2!

* * *

After high tailing it back to Iselia as fast as their abused little legs could carry them, Lloyd and Genis found themselves at Colette's grandma's house. Going inside, they found Colette, Phaidra, The mayor, Kratos and Frank there.

"- then the cops showed up and-." said the mayor, before suddenly noticing Lloyd and Genis standing there. "I mean- We're entrusting the protection of the Chosen-"

Colette stared blankly out of the window. Everyone rolled his or her eyes.

"- To a child-abusing school teacher and a lavender-clad mercenary."

...Who's going to teach the other children while Raine's wandering around Sylvarant?

"I have no objections." Kratos put in. Genis frowned.

"Why would you, anyway?" Genis asked, putting his hand on his hip again, "You're the one who came to protect her in the first place-"

A book soared at him out of nowhere, which managed to hit Genis on the nose.

"Thank you for your help earlier!" Colette burst in, ignoring Genis shrieking with pain. "I would have been sooo lonely by myself."

At this, she winked at Lloyd, who grimaced.

"Here's a book that nobody actually bothers to use, apart from bored perfectionists who want to complete the game 100% because they have no life." Phaidra interjected, handing a book to Genis who instantly forgot his bloodied nose.

"...yay."

_Genis obtained the Collectors Book!_

"So, are you guys going on the World Regeneration?" Lloyd asked, because he didn't want another worthless book handed to him too. "Lemme come!"

"I'll be stuck with Colette's incredibly boring parents if I don't come!" Genis piped up, stashing his book Martel-knows-where. "If Lloyd's going, I'm going too!"

"No." Kratos sneered. "You're both just going to get in the way and ask 'Are we there yet?' over and over."

"But I wanna! I'm running out of things to stab!" whined Lloyd, too stupid to realise that that wasn't going to make a difference.

The others sighed condescendingly, and Lloyd marched off out of the house, Genis tagging along after him.

"Please wait!"

Colette came skipping stupidly out of the house, falling over again for no reason at all other then to allow everyone to note she can't walk on a flat surface. Apparently this is supposed to be endearing, or whatever. Funny how it never actually comes as a problem to her, though...

"It sad you can't come." Colette sighed, her eyes obtaining a glazed look. "I really wanted you..."

"What?"

"Um, wanted you to!"

"Yeah, it sucks! I wanted to go out and kill monsters!" pouted Lloyd. "Besides, I can't believe everyone is actually putting all their faith in you to Regenerate the world when you can't even walk right."

"Don't worry about me! I'm the Chosen, remember?" she chirped.

...We're all fucking doomed.

"Oh! That's right!" Genis suddenly said. "It's your birthday, right? I 'baked' you these cookies."

"SUGAR!" shrieked Colette, devouring the invisible cookies. Lloyd and Genis sweatdropped.

"Great, she's even more retarded then usual..." Lloyd muttered.

Genis shot him a scathing look, which were something of a specialty for him.

"Oh yeah? What did you get her?"

"Um...it's at my house! It's not finished! My dog ate it! What present?" Lloyd shouted, sweat practically cascading down his face. "Um... Bye!"

And off he ran, Genis following as fast as he could to get away from the sugar-high Colette.

_Lloyd earned the title of 'Cheap skate!'_

* * *

"Hey, Lloyd, can I walk home with you?" Genis suddenly said. "There's a friend I want to see."

"This isn't another one of your imaginary friends is it?" Lloyd quizzed Genis. "I thought Raine beat those out of you ages ago."

Genis scowled.

"She's real!" he shouted indignantly. At the word 'she', Lloyd instantly perked up.

"Ooh, okay then, Genis." he grinned. Genis rolled his eyes for about the fortieth time already.

"Hey! Lloyd!"

Lloyd and Genis came bumbling over to the gates to see Lloyd's rabbit/fox/horse/dog thing, otherwise known as Noishe.

"I told you that this thing isn't allowed in the village!" nameless guard grumbled. Why exactly they were guarding such a pathetic village with a supposed 'treaty' I'm not sure...unless it was for monsters, but since a monster casually waltzed into the village's other entrance, they obviously didn't think it through.

"But why not?"

"Because...it's just not!" the other guard replied, displaying an extraordinary amount of intelligence. "Now git! Oh, and, um, don't go to the Human Ranch!"

"I think I already know that by now." Lloyd said; proud he could actually say that for once. "Since I've walked from Dirk's to Iselia like a billion times."

"Maybe that statement would have been more impressive if you'd used an actual number." Genis sighed, and hurried a little too quickly though the gates with Lloyd and Noishe following, lolling along with their tongues hanging out of their mouths.

But upon entering the forest, Noishe suddenly realised he was also part chicken and bolted.

"Oh, thanks, Noishe!" Lloyd called after his useless pet, annoyed. "You're bigger then everything in here anyway, you big green wuss!"

"Would you just FOLLOW me, already!" complained Genis.

"Okay!" Lloyd shouted happily, already forgetting his gutless pet.

"So where's this 'friend' anyway?" Lloyd asked after a while, his attention already used up.

"This way."

Lloyd GASPED when he realised where Genis was pointing.

"We're not allowed to go by the Human Ranch!" he reminded Genis, prodding him in the arm.

"Since when do you care about rules anyway?" Genis countered. Lloyd blinked.

"Oh yeah!" he grinned, and sauntered ahead.

Genis hurried ahead of him, having the sense to lead Lloyd around the back before the idiot managed to go waltzing right through the doors.

"Genis, is that you?"

"No, it's yo momma!" shouted Lloyd, idiotically.

"Hi, Marble." Genis greeted a wrinkly old woman who looked like she was wearing a sack.

"She's an old woman?" Lloyd cried. "Out of all the people you could have made friends with, you picked an old bag?"

"After hanging around with you and Colette so long, it's nice to talk to somebody with an ounce of common sense." grumbled the elf.

"You must be Lloyd," Marble interrupted. "Genis said you were obnoxious."

Before the insult sunk into Lloyd's incredibly thick skull, Marble turned to Genis.

"Genis, I saw the Oracle. It looks like the Chosen has started her journey."

"No freaking way." Genis muttered.

"Hey, what's that rock in your hand?" Lloyd interrupted, his ADD snapping into action.

"It's an exosphere," Marble stammered, alarmed by Lloyd's sudden focus. "They put it on me when I first came here."

"Exsphere's without key-crests are bad!" Lloyd said, nodding. "I could carve a Key Crest Charm, because I need to be useful for SOMETHING, but first I need an ore, a rubber chicken, a box of feathers, a pebble...what were we talking about, again?"

"Lloyd, you have to help her!" pleaded Genis.

"What's the point? She could drop dead any minute!" protested Lloyd, actually talking sense for once.

"LLOYD!"

"Oh, okay. I'll ask my dwarf father."

"That's why I like you, Lloyd." grinned Genis. "You're really easy to manipulate. Kind of like clay, only less smart."

"You son of a-"

"Hey! YOU!"

"Oh no!" croaked Marble. "They've seen me! Run away, I don't want to be seen hanging around with you spazzes!"

"Okay!" Lloyd grinned, and he and Genis fled.

"Hey, old bag!" shouted Random Desian #40081, "What were you doing over here?"

"Um...admiring this bush?" Marble tried.

"Wrong answer! I will now whip you for no apparent reason!" declared the sadistic Random Desian #40081 and #8101.

"Yeah, looks like somebody's got an attitude problem! I mean, look at her standing there! Let's take her to the back!"

"This looks bad! They're taking her to the back!" stated Lloyd, dramatically.

Yes, they do actually do that in the game. So, not to be a smartass, but it looks like they're taking her to the back.

"Oh, no!" Genis cried, actually upset at the suffering of someone else for a change. "This is all your fault, Lloyd! What should we do?"

"Let's go get a better look. Hmm... That cliff over there looks like a job for Super Lloyd!"

Genis gave him a blank look as the red-clad swordsman leapt up the cliff. How Genis managed to get up there too with his stumpy little legs I haven't a clue. He doesn't even have an exsphere yet!

"PLOTHOLE!" came a cry from nowhere.

"Who said that?" frowned Lloyd.

"Said what?" Genis asked, but then he pointed. "Oh, no! Marble!"

Lloyd looked down to see the mildly interesting sight of two Desians whipping an old lady for no apparent reason.

"We have to do something!" Genis gasped.

"Like what?" Lloyd questioned, staring off into space.

"How about this. I'll cast some fireballs on the Desians, and you 'distract them' while I escape at a safe distance."

"Eh, sure, why not?"

Satisfied with this rather simple plan, Genis got out his paddle- Kendama, whatever- and aimed two fireballs down at them. Weirdly enough, they actually hit the enemy, instead of totally missing like they do in battles.

"What the fu-" Desian #40081 shrieked, as his leather began to flare up.

Lloyd leapt cheerfully over the wall, running around like an idiot to get the stupid Desians to be distracted by him. Meanwhile, Genis 'shadily' attempted to escape. Except Genis appears to not be able to walk in a straight line on a flat surface either, and so tripped and said, "Oww..." rather loudly.

"Ah! Do I have to do everything around here?" despaired Lloyd, rushing back to ruthlessly slaughter the Desians.

"Lloyd, I'm so sorry!" Genis cried, displaying something other then a superiority complex for once, "They saw your face!"

Haha. That makes it sound like Genis thinks Lloyd is ugly.

"Nah, that's okay!" grinned a happy Lloyd, who was happy because he actually had people to fight rather then just irritated squirrels and stuff. "It's not like there are gonna be any serious consequences following this or anything."

"I guess..." Genis shrugged, wondering where Lloyd learnt a word like 'consequences'.

"Okay, well, later!" Lloyd waved bye to his friend and jumped off the really high cliff. Genis sighed and made his way home.

Meanwhile...

A turquoise-haired Desian stood, looking over the cliff with two nameless grunts next to him.

"Hmm... How'd a mere retarded human survive that jump?"

* * *

Lloyd finally reached his house, which was basically a really weirdly shaped looking building just off the outskirts of the wimpy village Iselia.

"Hey, Dad!" called Lloyd upon entry, spotting the Clearly-Not-His-Dad dwarf, Dirk, who was doing...uh...Dwarf things.

"Lloyd, hello!" Dirk answered, but his voice was so gruff it was difficult to tell what he was saying.

"Hey, Dad, you think you can make this Key Crest for my friend's friend?" Lloyd asked, without preamble.

"Is this one of Genis' imaginary friends again?" Dirk asked, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

"Nah! It's-um- A travelling mercenary! He's a jerk-face and wears nothing but purple."

"If he really was a purple-clad travelling mercenary, his exsphere would already have a Key Crest," Dirk pointed out. "You met this person at the ranch, didn't you?"

"There is a slight possibility..." Lloyd mumbled sheepishly.

"You kept your exsphere hidden, didn't you?" Dirk demanded, alarmed.

"Yeah, dad, chill!" Lloyd protested, putting up his hands. "I still kept the obvious-looking bandage on. But why do I have to hide my exsphere anyway?"

"Because it's special! Your mother died protecting it. I had to pry it out of her cold, lifeless hands- I mean-"

"WHAT?" shouted Lloyd at the top of his voice. "And you didn't mention this before WHY?"

"If I had, you'd have run out and tried to kill as many Desians as you can get your grubby mitts on. The Tower of Unnecessary Tallness appeared today. Just leave the rest to Colette."

"...You have GOT to be joking. She can't go five minutes without falling on her face or finding a dog to kiss. We leave everything to Colette, the world is toast. Warm...buttery toast." Lloyd drooled. He suddenly realised what he wanted in the first place.

"So would you make me the Key Crest anyway?"

"Lloyd!" Dirk yelled in the worst Scottish accent I've ever heard, swiping at him. "You retard! Have you been paying any attention at all?"

"Of course I haven't, you fat Scottish meanie!" wailed Lloyd, and ran outside to find himself face-to-face with Raine the Child-Abuser, Blonde Doofus, Mr. Purple and Brat.

"Did you guys hear all that?" Lloyd asked, embarrassed. Genis nodded.

"I'm sorry, Lloyd. You keep getting into trouble because of my sucky habit of choosing really bad friends."

And it's only going to get worse.

"I want some toast." announced Lloyd randomly. The assembly facefaulted, apart from Colette, who was staring vacantly at Noishe and drooling. Noishe looking mildly worried.

"Lloyd, can I talk to you? Alone?" Colette asked, her smile widening at the sight of him.

"Do I have to?" moaned Lloyd. Colette skipped obliviously over to the bench, waiting with a stupidly hopeful expression. Lloyd decided to go annoy everyone before dealing with somebody who had a negative I.Q.

"Hey Kratos." grinned Lloyd, scooting over to Kratos, who was staring at Anna's grave in an angsty manner.

"Whose tombstone is this?" Kratos asked.

"My mum's, duh!" Lloyd laughed. A vein pulsed at Kratos' temple, who did not appreciate being 'duh'ed' by somebody with the attention span of a sack of hammers.

"I see...so this is Anna's grave then." he muttered, turning back to it. Lloyd stared at him.

"How did you know my Mom's name?"

"..."

Lloyd grew bored of Kratos' wallowing and want over to Raine.

"Hey, Professor! So you're really leaving tomorrow?"

"That's right. I'm accompanying Colette on her journey."

"So...who's gonna teach everyone?"

"Forget that!" Raine cried, a manic look in her eyes. "There are so many ruins out there to caress!"

Hastily, Lloyd moved on to Genis.

"Desians are half-elves, so are all half elves bad?" Genis mumbled. Lloyd blinked.

"Um, I dunno. A pigeon bit me one time, but I guess that doesn't mean they all are going to do it...or does it?"

"Thanks Lloyd." grinned Genis, but Lloyd was too busy thinking about pigeons and possibly pigeon conspiracy feelings to acknowledging Genis' character growth. Sighing, he went over to Colette.

"Um...sorry I didn't make your present on time." Lloyd mumbled, rubbing the back of his head in an abashed way.

"That's okay! I'll wait for it forever!"

"...You do know it'll just be a string with a cork on it or something, right?" Lloyd reminded her, but then decided to drop the subject. He didn't want Colette to cotton on. (Cha, like THAT'S going to happen) and then have to fork out for a real present.

"SO I REALLY AM THE DAUGHTER OF AN ANGEL." Colette announced alarmingly.

"I suppose so." shrugged Lloyd, who really couldn't give a flying ham.

Mmm... Ham.

Anyway!

"But it doesn't change the fact you're a Colossal Waste of Space."

"Thanks, Lloyd. You're right." agreed Colette, who always agreed with whatever Lloyd said. "But I should probably be leaving. We're going at noon tomorrow."

"What? But you'll miss lunch!" Lloyd cried, shocked. Clearly, she was some kind of monster if she could bear to miss lunch.

"Well, bye Lloyd!" smiled Colette, who skipped happily off down the path, followed by Genis, Raine and an ever-irritated Kratos.

"Hey, Dad?" called Lloyd, once everyone had gone, "You think you could whip me up some toast?"


	3. Exile and a really hot Lloyd

The next morning, Lloyd exited Dirk's house to see the Dwarf standing by Anna's grave.

"Listen, Dad, about yesterday..." began Lloyd, about to tell Dirk that he was calling Child Services on his ass for 'punching' him.

"Here's the Key Crest you wanted." interrupted Dirk. "I didn't WANT to help some random person, but since Genis is going out with her..."

"Wow! Thanks!" Lloyd exclaimed, accepting it.

"I'm just going along with the well-meaning Dwarven teachings that don't really work out."

"Like the Church of Martel?"

"Exactly."

Just then, Lloyd turned to see Genis and Noishe running up the path toward them.

"What are you doing here?" Lloyd asked Genis, more confused then Colette in a science museum.

"You're still here?!" cried the mage.

"I live here, idiot!" Lloyd retorted. Then suddenly a lightbulb popped in his mind. "Oh yeah, and I managed to guilt-trip my Dad into making a key-crest for that random old lady!"

"Tha-that's great and all, but what about seeing Colette off?!" Genis scoffed, not sounding at all grateful. The little effeminate punk.

"What's more important to you, anyway?" Lloyd mused, "Saving your girlfriend, or seeing off Colette? - I mean, Yeah, I've decided I'm gonna make like a banana and leave Iselia to go on the Journey of Regeneration with Colette!"

"Are you stupid or something?" Genis barked. "No, wait, don't answer that question. But Colette and the others left a long time ago!"

"What?!" Lloyd shouted, "She stood me up!?"

He rushed out of Dirk's place, Genis and Noishe tailing him. Luckily they didn't have to go through Iselia forest this time for no real reason.

"Oh, Lloyd!" called one of the fork-wielding guards. "Phaidra was looking for you."

Lloyd and Genis went on ahead to Colette/Phaidra/Frank's house. (Does that guy still live with his mother or something? Where's Colette's mother, anyway? Seriously, this game doesn't like mothers. Lloyd's is dead, Colette doesn't seem to have one, Genis just has his sister, Sheena hasn't got one, Zelos doesn't, Presea's is dead, Regal probably has no parents.)

"Ah, Lloyd and annoying child." Phaidra greeted, monotonously. "Colette asked me to give you this..."

"A letter?" Lloyd said, baffled, forgetting that Colette knew how to write.

_Dear Lloyd,_

_I'm sorry I lied to you. But this Journey is really, really dangerous. There might be even more zombies and bunnies and other dangerous things. Thank you for your kindness and friendship all these years. Did I mention I'm sorry?_

Lloyd decided to skip the several paragraphs of Colette's incredibly pointless and gushy babbling.

_Love Colette._

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX XXXXXXX._

_X_

_(That last one is for luck!)_

"Hey, why didn't she write anything about me?" Genis cried, annoyed. "What, my friendship wasn't worth mentioning or something?"

"What's up with this letter? It reads like a will or something." stated Lloyd, dropping it back on the table without much interest.

"You could call it that." Frank intoned, sounding bored, despite the fact his only daughter had just gone off on her self-sacrificing journey and he would never see her again (ahem) and he just sounded like she'd gone on a field trip or something.

"What do you mean?" Lloyd demanded, with much more emotion that Colette's father.

"You see... The Chosen is already-"

_KABOOM!_

"Whatever that was, it sounds much more exciting then being in here!" Genis shouted.

"Let's go look!" Lloyd agreed. They both dashed out. A random save point was sparkling happily outside the house.

"Hey, what happened to the well?" Genis asked, confused. "It's been replaced by this circle-thing."

But before Lloyd could reply, they saw a pitchfork-armed guard backing into the school with two Desians just standing around, not actually bothering to go in.

"Stop!" shouted Lloyd. The Desians got their butts kicked by Lloyd's many 'Sword Rain' attacks and Genis throwing in the occasional 'Wind Blade'

After getting some free APPLE GELS and ORANGE GELS from the otherwise useless NPC, Lloyd and Genis ran off to go mindlessly kill some more Desians.

"Hey, Genis, isn't that your house?"

The house was even smokier than that day Raine tried to make a chilli casserole.

"Our house!" cried Genis. "What am I supposed to tell Raine when she gets back?"

"Desians did it." offered Lloyd.

"And this looked like a place we could have finally called home..." Genis mumbled.

"Why, what did you call it before?"

"Lloyd, you're an idiot."

After this rather cryptic (ha!) scene, the two headed to the village 'plaza' where the Mayor and some other random civilians were all standing around while Desians 'surrounded' them.

"Come forth! Lloyd Irving!" shrieked a random Desian. Lloyd and Genis conveniently arrived at that precisely that moment.

"You've come to attack the village again?!" demanded Lloyd, making a fist. "I've had enough of this!"

"What do you mean, again?" the random Desian asked, confused. "Are you high?"

"He speaks nonsense, ignore him."

The turquoise-haired Desian who had spoken came sauntering forward, a giant cannon-y thing attached to his arm. Do all Desians dress this way? Is this a thing? The worse your fashion sense, the higher up on the chain of command you are?

"Listen up, inferior beings!"

Lloyd, being a rebel, started humming loudly to drown out Forcystus' very slow voice. Genis rolled his eyes at Lloyd.

"I am a superior half-elf that rules over the farm where we cultivate you pathetic humans."

"Half-elf..." Genis repeated. Forcystus ignored this and carried on his monologue.

"Lloyd Irving. You, a human-"

(I love to skip Forcystus' little monologue. That way he sounds really stupid)

"-Therefore, I bring judgement on you and this retarded village!"

"You violated the treaty too!" Genis shouted, snapping out of his angsty daze. "You tried to murder the Chosen!"

"Us? Kill that idiot? Ahahaha, I see!" shouted Forcystus' personal Desian, laughing for no particular reason, since really there was nothing particularly funny about what he just said. "THEY must be after the Chosen."

"They?" Lloyd asked stupidly, "Are you saying...you're not that ones that tried to attack Colette?"

"That's exactly what I just said, you moron."

The Mayor came toward Lloyd, wringing his over-sized hands.

"What have you done! How many times have we told you not to smoke weed! I mean- go near the ranch"

"Sorry."

"You think you can fix this by apologising?!"

"Try eating chocolate!" Lloyd shouted randomly. "It fixes everything!"

"Stay away from my secret chocolate factory!" cried Forcystus. Everybody blinked at him. "Ahem. Lloyd, we've prepared an appropriate opponent for your crime!"

"Well, thank you so much." Lloyd remarked sarcastically.

Just then, a giant cucumber with giant hooky-arms in a sack came clanking into the village. It stood there stupidly for a couple of minutes before raising an arm and bitch-smacking the Mayor. (Glad SOMEBODY does it.)

"Damn!" cried Lloyd, not noticing the bandage on his glove fall off.

And so they fought, Lloyd getting smacked by the cucumber-monster and Genis casting fireballs in the distance. And so they defeated it. Boo-yacka-yacka.

"I've had enough of letting my drones do everything for me!" shouted the ever-annoying Forcystus. "Lloyd, gimme that exsphere!"

"No! This is a memento of my Mom's, who you Desians murdered!" screamed an angst-ridden Lloyd.

"What you talkin' about? Yo momma was-"

Just then, the cucumber grabbed Forcystus from behind.

"Run away-"

"It seems a helpful solution!" Lloyd sang, uncontrollably. A couple of people backed away slowly.

"Genis...other guy...thank you..."

And then it ASPLODED!

...For some reason.

"No! Protect Lord Forcystus!" shouted the Personal Desian, a little bit late. Forcystus looked up.

"Lloyd...we'll always stalk you as long as you have that exsphere. Always!"

Then Genis picked up a small glowing orange stone that had fallen from the cucumber.

"Marble? Marble, NOOOOOO!" Genis screamed hilariously at the sky while falling dramatically to his knees, the Desians abruptly vanishing. The villagers crowded around Lloyd and Genis, oblivious of the latter having a fit.

"Look at all the damage you've caused!" cried the Mayor at Lloyd, strategically ignoring the weeping Genis. "How am I supposed to go on my five-star holiday now?"

"Um...my bad?"

"You, get out!" the Mayor went on. "I need a scapegoat, and now you have a bunch of leather-clad psycho's stalking you! Therefore, with my bad wig, I exile you from Iselia!"

Genis got ahold of himself and rushed to Lloyd's defense.

"That's not fair! Lloyd was just trying to help my friend, which technically I pushed him into! It's not his fault you're all ridiculously weak-willed!"

"But Lloyd's not even from the village to begin with! He's an outsider, raised by a Dwarf!"

"I don't really see what that has to do with anything..." Lloyd protested feebly.

"Then I'm leaving too. I'm almost as guilty as he is!" Genis cried (wow, I've used that word a lot in this chapter...)

"Mayor, maybe we're all over-reacting just a teensy-bit.." a woman randomly said. Another NPC with the EXACT same voice as Lloyd turned to her.

"What are you saying? Do you realise how many people have died because of him?!"

"Okaaay, I'm outta here." Lloyd rolled his eyes, "This is just getting way too angsty for me..."

"You should catch up with Colette." Phaidra put in unhelpfully. "You know, since you've just been exiled from your childhood home and everything."

"Okay, where is she?"

"I don't know."

"...Well, you're no help."

"And I'll come too, Lloyd. I'll stick by you, always!" Genis added, actually being nice for a change.

And so, the plot finally began to take off, and we won't have to think about the incredibly stupid toupee of the Mayor's for ages.

* * *

"Wow...I'm really hot!" cried Lloyd, five minutes later. "Why is it so hot?!"

"Gee, it must be you, Lloyd." Genis commented sarcastically.

"Aw, thanks, Genis!"

The hal-I mean, elf- rolled his eyes. Eventually, after running into several snakes and scorpions, they arrived in the village of Triet.

"Crap! It's the Desians!" Lloyd gasped. Lloyd and Genis then proceeded to do some kind of weird two-step thing with Noishe, who looked incredibly panicky at Lloyd and Genis' sudden jerky walking. As they hid in the...um...stable/kennel things, they watched the Desians.

"Okay, gang!" cried the Leader Desians. "Looks like we've got an order to look for a stupid guy called Lloyd with a funky exsphere and in a bright red outfit!"

"Any idea what he looks like?" asked another, looking mildly worried at the enthusiasm the leader was showing.

"I HAVE A WANTED POSTER!" screamed the Bowman. The other two backed off.

"Um...very good..." stammered the Leader. "Let's...put it up over here..."

So they did. A crayoned image of very poorly drawn Lloyd with a slanted grin was put up on a conveniently placed corkboard. Looks like Forcystus is keeping up with his Crayola.

"Wow...search parties and posters...they're surprisingly ineffectual!" Lloyd muttered.

"We have to find Colette and the others as soon as we can!" Genis added. Lloyd turned and frowned.

"You're making it sound like we're going to Colette to get help, not to protect her!"

"Well, you might not have noticed, Lloyd, but since Kratos left we haven't got any healers." Genis mumbled.

So, after that little scene, the duo decided to wonder blindly around Triet. They stopped by a house where there was a weird shape in the wall.

"Look!" Genis said, looking angrily at the hole, "The Desians must have done this!"

Lloyd, however, shook his head.  
"No... it has to be..."

"Like it?" beamed the stupid owner of the house, ridiculously happy, "The Chosen of Regeneration made this hole herself! It's going to become a tourist spot!"

Because apparently, having a retarded blonde person make a hole in your wall is a good thing.

So the two headed off to the Fortune Teller's instead, entering to find a woman sitting with a crystal ball in front of her.

"Excuse me." Genis said, "But can you tell us where the Chosen might be?"

"I could...for 100 Gald!"

"That's robbery!" Lloyd cried, alarmed. "We're lost children, jeez!"

"Did you say something?"

"Nevermind..."

The Fortune Teller waved her hands around the ball a few times before crying,

"Yes! I see her! She's...um...tripping over. But her companions are asking where the Fire Seal is!"

"Wow! You're magic!" Lloyd gasped, impressed.

"Of course. The Chosen's annoyed-looking companion said so themselves."

Lloyd and Genis face-faulted. The fortune Teller felt slightly bad for conning two children out of their money.

"How about some free friendship fortunes?"

"Um...okay?"

"Focus on someone!" insisted the Fortune Teller. Lloyd tried Kratos.

"This person is a condescending asshole. He has a tiny bit of faith in you."

Irritated, Lloyd focused on Colette.

"This person is retarded. She's completely and utterly obsessed with you!"

"I knew that already..." mumbled an embarrassed Lloyd. He focused on Genis.

"This person is a superior brat. He has quite a lot of faith in you!"

Lloyd decided to leave at that point, since he only has three friends. Besides, the smell of incense was beginning to make him gag.

"I guess it's back to wondering blindly around the Desert for us..." Genis sighed.

"Wait!"

The two turned to see the Desians advancing toward them.

"Hey, he looks just like the wanted poster!"

"This must be Lloyd Irving!" another added, as opposed to that other guy they were after, Floyd Jervin.

Genis turned to Lloyd at this point, putting his hand on his hip again.

"Hey, Lloyd, aren't you gonna do your obnoxious introduction now?"

"I'm not even gonna bother."

And so they fought the Desians, and the Desians were easily slaughtered.

"Too easy!" grinned Lloyd. Genis tsked.

"Don't get cocky."

"But they were! Protested Lloyd, and then he started to snigger because he's a teenage boy, and they pick up on innuendo's like dogs pick up sticks. But Lloyd's moment was cut short by a bolt hitting him in the back.

"Thisss...feeelssss... sssoooo... wronngggg..." Lloyd managed to say, before collapsing. Then some Not-Desians came and dragged Lloyd and Genis off to the 'Mysterious Triet Base'. Genis decided to do what he did best: Cry and get dramatic

"I'm scared!" he whined, as soon as the Not-Desians took Lloyd inside. "Lloyd made me do it! I didn't wanna come! MOMMY!"

"Okay, okay, just go away." one of the Not-Desians said, "You're too pathetic to kidnap. As a fellow kinsman, we'll let you off this time."

"Thank you mister, ever so much!" gushed Genis before running off. The two Not-Desians looked at each other, then departed.

_Genis earned the title of 'Whiny coward!'  
_

* * *

And there's Chapter 3! Reviews?


	4. The fire seal!

Lloyd woke up in a nondescript Prison Cell who-knows-how-long later.

"Urgh... My head! Hmm? All my stuff is gone!" he cried, alarmed. "The only thing I've got with me is the Sorcerer's Ring..."

Then he noticed the guard drifting vaguely around the outside of the cell. Deciding to take out his frustration on the guard, he shot him with the Sorceror's ring.

"Owwie!" cried the guard, and ran away. Then the door opened...for some reason.

"I'm free, I'm free!" sang Lloyd, dancing around on the spot, but then slipping and landing on his butt.

"...Nobody saw that...right?"

After retrieving his stuff which was convieniently lying around in a chest, he headed for the door, only to see two guards.

And so I said, 'Dude, where's my sword?' And this other guys was all 'I dunno, dude.'"

"Funky." The other answered.

"Why do people always say that when they're trying to sound like teenagers?" Lloyd demanded, annoyed.  
"Hey! Who the hell are you?" cried the first guard, only just noticing Lloyd's existence.

"P...Prison Break!"

"Do you have stutter?"

And so a fight commenced, and Lloyd celebrated at taking out two real people all by himself.

Anyway, upon entering another room, Lloyd's superhearing detected more bad uses of the word 'Gnarly' and hid under a...thing. Two more generic-looking guards entered.

"Isn't it such a pain to keep zapping these robots on the switches?" commented one rene-Desian. Yeah.

"Oh, yeah. Lord Botta sure likes to make things pointless and annoying. Now, let's go find our only prisoner."  
"Yeah, that guy with the stupid bright red outfit."

They left.

"Red, red, red." complained Lloyd; "Does my outfit stick out that much?"

Only about as much as a fat girl in a Beauty Pageant, Lloyd.

After Lloyd had done the stupid puzzle with some blatant Gamecube product placement (It took my about half an hour to do my first ever try.) he skipped into another room. And did that part too. Wow, how descriptive I am today.

Then, Lloyd saw another guard, but instead of just taking him out as usual, he chose to bolt into a random room instead.

"Whew...that was close." Lloyd panted to nobody in particular.

"And just who the hell are you?"

Lloyd spin around to see a guy with blue hair, dressed in a cape-thing and looking annoyed.

"Shouldn't you know who I am? I was the only person in that prisoner in there."

"You certainly seem like a total moron."

"Hey, take that back, Curtain man!" Lloyd retorted angrily.

"Why you little-"

Just then, Botta and some randoms came in out of nowhere.

"The Chosen and her irritated-looking companions are here!"

"I can't let him see me!" cried Yuan cryptically, and left. Then Colette, Genis and Kratos popped up. Also out of nowhere.

"LLOYD! OMG, ARE YOU OKAY?" shrieked Colette upon seeing him. "I'VE HAD NO EYE CANDY SINCE I LEFT!"

"Hey! I'm kind of trying to fight you here!" complained Botta.

So a fight commenced, with Lloyd proceeding to do what he did best; A good old Slash'n'Hack job. Genis cast spells in the background, while unfortunate Kratos had to keep casting First Aid instead of doing any actual fighting as Colette kept throwing her Frisbee's at Botta only to have a few Rock Breakers to the face.

"I underestimated you..." Botta said monotonously, which was a bit obvious since this was the second time he'd wet his pants at the sight at Kratos, before stupidly LEAVING HIS WEAPON ON THE FLOOR and running.

Raine came along and informed them of opening the escape route, but then she picked up the giant sword, a rather scary glint in her eyes. They headed outside.

"The crystalline object attached to this weapon...is this an exsphere?" she asked, her eyes shining.

"Yeah, that's an exsphere. How'd you know about them?"

"Genis told me about what happened. He's been rather a burden..." Raine said, Genis quickly lowered his head. Lloyd could imagine how Raine had reacted. He could practically feel his own ass stinging.

"Let's go back to Triet. We've procrastinated enough already." Kratos grouched. So off they went, because Kratos said so.

Lloyd, bored, decided to go annoy his companions.

"Here, Professor, I made you your stupid keycrest." Lloyd explained, handing it over. "Genis can explain to you how to use it. I can't be bothered."

"Thank you, Lloyd." Raine muttered absently, slowly turning the glowing orb in her hands, grinning psychotically.

Lloyd walked over to Genis, who was asleep on the bed. He had fun poking Genis in the side for a while, then grew impatient and left the room. He saw a streak of purple.

"Hey, that was Kratos!" announced Lloyd. "I'm going to sneakily follow him!"

Outside, Lloyd found Kratos in deep conversation with Noishe. Lloyd went up, curious. Then he suddenly found Kratos pointing his sword at his neck.

"Whoa!" cried Lloyd in a strangulated way.

"Lloyd." Kratos grunted, before putting his sword back in the sheath. And no giggling at the back, you dirty-minded people. "I'm sorry I startled you."

"Kind of an understatement! I almost wet my pants!"

"You best not stand behind me."

Kratos is part horse, apparently.

"Why are you out of bed?" he asked.

"Bored." Lloyd answered, shrugging. He came up next to Kratos.

"Do you like animals?"

"No. Not particularly." Kratos returned. Wow, he really keeps it flowing smoothly, huh?

"Well Noishe seems to be comfortable with you." Lloyd went on, "Usually he runs off like a total coward."

"I once had a pet, long ago..." Kratos said.

...But he just said he doesn't like animals! What the hell?

"Lloyd!" Kratos suddenly said, randomly. "Your swordmanship skills still suck. Get better at it."

Kratos then drifted off, leaving behind a very irritated Lloyd, who muttered as Kratos left,

"Least I don't walk around in _lavender_."

* * *

The next day, they were off to the Triet Ruins, Lloyd complaining about the heat all the way there.

"I'm melting!" whined the teenager; "It's hot!"

"Shut up!" commanded Raine, "Just look at these wondrous ruins! Ooh, this must be polycarbonate, used as an unimportant defense against magic! It's so smooth..."

"Professor, you're disturbing me." Lloyd announced.

"Hmm? This depression...it reads 'Oracle Stone'. Colette! Put your hand on this!"

"Sure!" chirped Colette. She did, and the obvious entrance was revealed.

"Wow! I really am the Chosen!" gushed Colette. Genis rolled his eyes to the ceiling.

"Your stupidity never ceases to amaze me."

_Raine earned the title 'Put the rock down, you psycho!' _

"Let's go in!" grinned Lloyd.

"How old are you, again?"

This time it was Kratos' turn to be the condescending jerk, evidently.

"It's even hotter in here!" Lloyd commentated.

"Gee, I wonder why? The name Fire Seal makes it all so confusing." Genis grumbled, sarcasm going into overdrive.

"I know, right?"

Genis almost had to physically restrain himself from throwing him into the lava out of sheer despair. And so the group lit various torches and opened various boxes. Riveting, really.

Well, actually, no.

"Wow, that was so boring!" commented Lloyd as they finally reached the Seal. Colette simply stood there and drooled a little.

"Fabulous! Look at these incredible pillar!" cried Raine, running around the room in a frenzied, archaeological joy. Then the seal began to glow.

"I sense mana welling up!" Genis shouted, before the screen shattered and they were lunged into battle, confronted by some weird tiger things that looked like they had been bred with dinosaurs.

"Wow! It's big!" Colette gasped. Lloyd and Genis started to snigger. Kratos attempted to ignore his urge to kill them. Or himself. Or all of the above.

With that, they managed to slay the tigers. Somewhere, the Endangered Species Protection Program all sneezed.

"Chosen of Regeneration, come and offer some prayers at the altar."

"Yes, Lord Remiel." Colette answered robotically.

"Well, who _else_?" Genis muttered sarcastically.

"Congratulations!" Remiel cried, switching to his announcer's voice, "You learnt the move: Angel feathers!"

Some spirals of light went into Colette, and wings sprouted from her back, all pinky and purple.

"You must go to a seal in a place across the sea. Oh, yeah, and you'll be experiencing some bitchin' side effects. Until then, Chosen..."

With that, he vanished.

"Colette has wings!" gasped Lloyd, because nobody else has eyes. Genis ran over.

"Cool!" he gasped, hopping up and down in excitement. Colette flapped her wings happily as Genis jumped around in a retarded fashion.

"Well, guess it's time to leave!" Lloyd announced, and went warping out.

Outside, they headed down the path when Colette calmly sat down, which was evidently supposed to be dramatic.

"Colette, are you alright?" Lloyd asked, kneeling next to her. Colette looked up.

"I'm... Fine." she managed, clearly not fine.

"Her lips are turning purple!" Raine said, alarmed, "We must take her to a doctor!"

"Wait. It's best not to move her." Kratos stated. "Since I know what I'm doing, unlike all of you, lets just randomly set up camp here."

"I'm sorry." Colette moaned, upset. Lloyd restrained his urge to kill her.

Lloyd decided to go talk to everyone around the campfire. He went to Genis first.

"How did you like the curry today?" Genis asked him, since he couldn't think of anything better to say.

"It was missing something…" mused Lloyd. "Even though I ate almost all of it."

"You're right!" Genis said, surprised, "It should have had Kirima fruit. I didn't think you'd notice, since you usually just shove the food straight into your mouth."

Annoyed at Genis discussing his table manners, Lloyd went over to Raine.

"Isn't it fascinating how Colette's biological structure it changing!" Raine grinned insanely, "I simply must slice her up and find out how it works!"

"Professor!" Lloyd cried, alarmed.

"I was just kidding…partly." Raine stated, irritated. "You really are stupid, aren't you?"

"It's a pretty twisted thing to joke about, you sicko!"

Lloyd was smacked, so her scuttled over to Kratos.

"Desians really screwed up your life, huh?" Kratos randomly stated, gravely.

"Uh, yeah. But why'd you say that all of a sudden?"

"They killed your Mother, and your father too." Kratos intoned, though he said the last part of his sentence a little too fast.

"Yeah…I guess Desians are just plain assholes."

"Yes…people are weak creatures."

"True, but you'll never change things if you sit there and go along with other people's ideals."

Kratos began to sweat a bit.

"Grow strong, Lloyd."

"…Yeah, okay then."

He went over to Colette.

"Are you okay? You didn't eat your curry that LACKED IN FRUIT." Lloyd asked.

"Y-yeah…I just feel sick." Colette lied, giggling.  
"Oh yeah, here's your present. I slacked off like hell, but here it is anyway."

Lloyd handed Colette a necklace, which was basically string with some dried pasta slid onto it.

"Oh, WOW!" Colette cried, insanely happy. "I'll wear it forever!"

"Yeah, whatever. By the way, you haven't been eating. Are you anorexic or something?"

"No! Don't be silly!" Colette giggled, unconvincingly.

"You have to eat. You'll be even more useless if you don't keep up your strength."

"Lloyd, don't push her." Raine said.

"What? I'm not!" Lloyd protested. "This is pushing her, look!"

Raine facepalmed as Lloyd shoved Colette over.

"Colette is delicate. Unlike you." Genis added, bitchy.

"Shut up, Genis!" said Lloyd, all annoyed.

...Did he want to be called delicate as well? Lolz.

"Anyway, I'm going for a walk." Colette announced, out of the blue.

"Want me to come?"

"I just want to be alone!" cried Colette, suddenly emo.

"Ha-ha! You got re-jec-ted!" chimed Genis, childishly.

"Ha! That's not how you spell rejected!" Lloyd cried, triumphant, "It's R-e-2-6-9-g-7!"

Everybody stared.  
Meanwhile, Colette stood by the lake.

"COUGH! …. What's happening to me?" she moaned, emoing it to the max.

* * *

After that boring scene, the party was ready to head over to the Ossa Trail. It was...well, trail-y, with very green grass and pretty flowers with butterflies all over the place. Also, a weird thing that looked like a lollypop sticking out of the ground. Colette went over to investigate.  
"Stop!"

The group turned to see a chick in a purple Kimono standing there.

"Scary lady!" hollered Lloyd.

"Is she a friend of yours, Lloyd?" Colette asked, absolutely randomly.

I mean...wtf? Why the hell would she ask that? Lloyd's never left gone past Iselia before, why the hell would he have a ninja friend?

"Not that I know of..." Lloyd managed to say, his eyes suddenly finding themselves glued to the 'Scary Lady's' cleavage.

"Is the Chosen of Mana among you?" the black-haired girl demanded, ignoring Lloyd with gritted teeth.

"Oh, me, me!" Colette cried, jumping up and down and waving her arms.

"Prepare to die!"

But as the Assassin raced forward (and nobody actually moved to help.) Colette suddenly fell backwards, knocking into the 'mysterious lollypop.'

"Uh-oh." Lloyd, Genis and Colette all chimed as the Assassin fell down the conveniently placed trapdoor.

"Oh no!" cried Colette, upset that somebody who just tried to kill her had fallen down a hole, thus not killing her.

"PLOTHOLE!" cried the voice, loudly.

"Please tell me you heard that!" Lloyd said desperately, looking at Genis, Colette, Raine and Kratos.

"Hear what?" the two hal-ahem-elves asked. Colette also looked puzzled, but that was nothing knew. She always looked like that.

"I heard it. We'd best be careful, with that Assassin and also a mysterious voice coming from nowhere." Kratos intoned.

"Oh! Oh no! What have I done?" Colette was moaning, kneeling by the trapdoor.

"Once again, you've been convieniently saved by your inability to walk properly." Raine told her. "She would have killed you otherwise."

"I hope she's okay..." Colette whined.

"Even assuming her weight t0 be , the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow to be unknown, the gravity working and the whole to be 10 feet deep, it shouldn't have been fatal."

"...Duh?" Lloyd asked. "I think my brain started crying when she said that, but she's alive, right?"

"Probably."

Jeez. I know Genis is smart, but what the hell was that?

_Genis earned the title of, "Midget McGyver!"  
_  
"I hope we still get to be friends when she catches up!" chirped Colette.

Kratos and Lloyd both wondered how they'd keep their no-killing-the-saviour-of-the-World thing they had going intact.

* * *

Yay! I've finally got Sheena into the story. The new chapter will be up soon, along with a Halloween Special! Oh, and it's my Birthday on Sunday, so wish me a good one!


	5. I'M ON A BOAT!

Hey people! Sorry this chapter is a bit late, kind of stuck for inspiration. Luckily, it's long!

Enjoy!

* * *

Mildly weirded out by the sudden almost-attack from 'Scary Lady', the Fabulous Five carried on along the Ossa trial, occasionally beating up giant bears that hugged you to death or midgets with green hair who all sounded like they'd taken some helium. I HATED fighting those bastards.

Reaching the bottom of the trail, the ninja girl appeared, all dusty and such.

"W-Wait!" she gasped, striking a battle pose.

"Oh, Hi!" trilled Colette, prancing forward. "Are you okay? I was so worried! Can we swap numbers and paint each others toes now?"

"D-don't move!" answered the assassin, backing away from Colette's slightly scary smile.

"A wise decision." Raine drawled, randomly. Lloyd and Genis exchanged confused looks.

"Are you hurt?" Colette asked, deciding to ignore the rule of personal space and coming even closer.

"I'm trying to kill you here!" the Ninja snapped, exasperated, "Are you retarded or something?"

"Trust me, you have no idea." Genis groaned. And so the battle commenced. Lloyd found himself fighting a demented bird-thing on steroids instead of the 'Scary Lady'. Incidentally, she fought with cards.

"Ooh, so scary!" spluttered Genis, doubled over with laughter "How are we to survive when the assassin has small pieces of paper?"

"Help me, she could give me a paper-cut!" Lloyd cackled.

"Shut up!" the ninja complained, hitting Lloyd with a Pyre Seal. Right in the stomach.

"OOOWww!" Lloyd wailed, "Fire hot!"

Kratos was straining very hard not to just simply bash them all on the head and be done with it. However, thanks to sheer luck and a helluva lot of Apple gels they were able to defeat the ninja and her bird creature.

"Just you wait!" she cried, panting again. "I swear I will kill you all next time!"

And she disappeared in a poof of smoke.

"Wait!" cried Lloyd, running forward. Colette looked disappointed, and put away her friendship bracelets.

"Those clothes..." Raine mused, staring at the spot where the Scary Lady had vanished.

"What, Professor?" Lloyd asked, curious, "You want to know where she buys them so you can ditch that ugly, shapeless poncho you always wear?"

Bitch-smacked was Lloyd.

"Anyway, we should go now." Kratos sighed, rubbing his temples. "Since she's going to come back for us instead of committing Seppuku, we should stop standing around."

"Suduko? Do you mean she has to do maths as punishment?" Lloyd asked, horrified. Genis had to hold his breath for a few seconds to stop himself from killing Lloyd in a rather brutal way involving his nostrils and some uncooked spaghetti.

"AHEM. I said 'We should go now'." Kratos instructed, loudly. So they did, because Kratos seemed to be reaching his breaking point already.

As they were leaving, a skit popped up and Kratos decided to teach Lloyd how to do Unison Attacks.

"Jeez, Kratos, if you're so concerned about us getting killed on this journey, why didn't you show us how to do this before?" Lloyd said, annoyed.

"Because shut up."

"PLOTHOLE!" yelled a muffled voice. Again.

* * *

They shortly arrived in a town called 'Izoold.'

"Zoo?" Colette gasped, but Lloyd shook his head and she deflated. Not literally, of course.

Izoold itself wasn't all that interesting. In fact, it was so uninteresting that some of the children on the beach seemed to be going through some mental trauma.

"Hey, cool statue!" Lloyd yelled after barging into a man's house, as he is wont to do, poking a seagull statue. It suddenly vanished, in place of a weirdo with a chef's hat.

"Behold, I am the Wonder Chef!" screamed the man, "I will teach you the recipe for Rice Balls!"

And he did. Lloyd could only stand there, gawking.

"Farewell!" he shrieked, and vanished. Lloyd vaguely wondered if he was a ninja, or something. They headed toward the docks, ignoring the big pink cat and staring worriedly at the Wanted Poster.

"Hey, can we borrow your boat?" Lloyd asked a random guy named Max.

"No, sea monsters, can't." was the basic answer.

"Man, why does everything in this journey have to be so inconvenient?" Lloyd complained.

"Because you're a moron." supplied Genis.

So the Fabulous five continued barging into people's houses to see if they would give them a ride. Eventually they came across a house with some chick called Lyla.

"Afreed...oh, where are you now? Afreed." Lyla moaned, staring vacantly out of the window.

"You know, we somehow know that he's going to Luin." Genis informed her.

"What? Really?" yelled Lyla, then rushed off outside. Lloyd and Genis shrugged and followed.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WON'T GO OUT BECAUSE OF SEA MONSTERS?" Lyla screeched at Max. "THIS ISN'T PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN 2!"

"If it were, this whole thing would be more disappointing than my life already is." answered Max, staring lovingly at Lyla, oblivious to the fact she was screaming at him for being stubborn. She growled and looked as if she wanted to strangle him before suddenly spotting Lloyd and co, who were watching the whole spectacle. Genis even had popcorn.

"Hey, you!" she suddenly yelled at Lloyd. "Take this letter to Afreed in Luin!"

"I see no problem with that." shrugged Lloyd.

"I'm not taking them!" complained Max.

Lyla gave him a death glare, which temporarily caused the sun to go down and turned fish into stone.

"Bitch, you'd better get going before I _cut you_."

"Okay, okay, fine!" Max sighed.

Lyla smiled and the sun came back up and the fish returned to normal. Without further ado, she went off again.

"...That was kind of terrifying." said Lloyd, blinking. Lyla is so gangster.

"Just don't blame me if we all end up getting tentacle raped." Max grumbled, putting up the sails.

"I HATE boats." grumbled Raine, looking queasy.

"That's okay!" Lloyd answered happily as the boat set off; "You'll die first anyway since you're the only one who can sail the boat."

Max paled.

"What's rape?" inquired Colette, suddenly. Lloyd and Kratos exchanged rather panicky expressions.

"Look, Colette! A shiny gold fish!" Genis cried hurriedly.  
"Where?!" Colette screamed, looking around.

"Um, it flew away." Lloyd assured her. Colette sniffed and stared up at the sky, a look of wonder on her face. Then Raine barfed all over the deck.

"Eww..."

* * *

After the uneventful trip, the group left the boat and found themselves in Palmacosta, apparently the biggest city in the world. Which just shows how much Sylvarant sucks. But anyway.

Turning the corner out of the docks, Colette suddenly bumped into another girl, and they both went crashing to the ground with a shattering noise.

"Ooh! I'm so sorry!" Colette gasped.

"Oh, no! The Palma potion we just received!" complained the girl, not caring in the slightest about broken glass on the floor and the chance of getting cut and bleeding all over the place.

"I'm sorry." apologised Colette again. Some dude with spiky hair pointed at her.

"An apology isn't good enough!" he complained, as if anybody cared what he had to say.

"I'm sorry!" Colette gushed, "I'll buy you a replacement potion!"

"A replacement? That won't fix it!" argued the spiky guy.

"No, it will be a replacement!" beamed Colette, radiating stupidity as usual. Raine and Genis sighed.

"Okay, now you just sound like a loser!" butted in Lloyd, saying what we were all thinking.

"What? How dare you, kid!" yelled the purple guy.

"SHUT UP!" screeched Raine. Everyone sweat-dropped.

"Colette, don't bother." Lloyd told Colette, disgusted.

"No, I broke it, so I have to fix it."

"God, do you have to be so moral?" Genis sighed.

But it was clear that Colette had got on her high horse, and now couldn't get down until they got the damn potion. Conveniently enough, the shop dedicated exclusively to selling Palma Potion had run out, so they had to go next door for plot-related reasons. So, they headed for the nearest item shop, only to find the teenaged store clerk arguing with some Desians.

"Oh, please! There's no way anybody would sell you gels at a price that low!" complained Chocolat. Her mother stood in the background, not doing anything to help her daughter who was being harrassed by two dangerous men with whips. Some parenting.

"Shut up! You said there was a sale on, you thieving hoe!" ranted Desian #375.

"I'll never sell one single gel to the likes of you!" cried Chocolat in her horrible, nasal voice.

...Which strikes me as a bit odd. I mean, what were Desians doing buying gels in the first place? It's not like any of them bother to USE gels at all when you fight them, so why bother to go all the way over to Palmacosta for some, especially considering the risk of going into a city with a militia? ...Plus, don't they have refreshers in their ranch anyway?

"PLOTHOLE!" shrieked a voice. Kratos and Lloyd looked around, confused.

"Chocolat, stop." intoned Cacao, finally waking up.

"But mom, these are the guys who took grandma away!" Chocolat whined. (So this is a girl who lives with her mom, and her mom lives with HER mom? Weeeird.)

"Whatever! We're telling on you to Lord Magnius!" barked the second Desian, and they both left as fast as their steel-clad heels could carry them.

"Sorry about that. Well, I'm off to work now, mom" chirped Chocolat, ignoring the fact two men had just been threatening her life. She left as well.

"Sorry you had to see that." apologised Cacao, "Now, are you going to buy anything?"

"We might as well buy the Palma potion." Raine sighed. And so they did. For the bank-robbing price of 1000 gald, for a stupid retard potion that lowers your attack 20? NOT worth it.

But enough of my ranting. Reaching the ugly-looking impostors, Colette handed over the Palma Potion.

"Here you go!" she trilled. "I'm sorry!"

"Stop apologising!" Lloyd and the Lloyd-impostor both yelled.

"Well, I guess you're good little boys and girls after all." The Lloyd impostor said, smarmy. "Make sure it doesn't happen again."

"We will!" chirped Colette.  
"Bite me." growled Lloyd. Raine glared menacingly at them.

"Come on!" the Raine impostor complained, nervously. "We should go sell the Book of Regeneration on Ebay, or to that old pervert on Hakonesia Peak."

So the impostors left.

"I suggest we look for clues as to find out where the next seal is." Kratos said, taking charge, as usual. "And since I'm the only person who knows what I'm doing, I say we go this way."

So they did, because Kratos had already strode off. They saw some blonde guy and a little kid in a purple dress, talking to a young ragamuffin.

"Governor General Dorr, daddy hasn't come back from the ranch yet, but I've been drinking my milk and staying in school!"

"Well, don't worry! Just stay strong! I totally know what I'm doing!" Dorr assured, "Come on, Kilia."

That's a weird name to name your daughter.

And the two left.

"That guy seems to know what he's doing." commented Lloyd. A random old man turned to him, saying,

"Yes, Dorr is going to stop the Desians!"

"General Dorr is a wonderful man!" gushed another person.

"What a load of shit." Genis remarked, rolling his eyes.

"Maybe Dorr knows where a seal might be?" suggested Raine. So they entered Dorr's house. Building. Place. Dwelling. Abode.

You know what? I'm just going to call it Dorr's pad, okay? Okay. Because that is clearly not a house.

"Hello!" Door chimed. "Are you on a pilgrimage?"

"Yes, this is the Chosen of Mana." said Raine, pointing to Colette, "And we wanted to know if you had the Book of Regeneration."

"So...you're the Chosen." Dorr said, slowly. Colette grinned and waved. Neil and Door exchanged looks.

"Guards!"

Guards surrounded them. Kratos, Lloyd, Genis and Raine all sighed.

"You're lying!" Neil cried, "The Chosen's group came in 5 minutes ago! You couldn't possibly be the Chosen! Sic 'em!"

Colette tripped, while standing and doing nothing, but she still somehow managed to trip anyway. Then her wings popped out.

"Daddy, look at her wings!" shrieked Kilia.

"Stop! Lower your weapons!"" Dorr hollered.

..The guards, who were carrying _spears_, weapons you have to lower in order to stab people with, stopped.

"Those wings on your back...you must be the real Chosen!" cried Neil and Dorr. Dorr slapped Neil for stealing his line.

"Bravo." Genis said, clapping sarcastically.

"Could you give us the book? Pretty please with sugar on top?" Colette asked.

"But...we already gave the book to the impostors. We had heard the Chosen's group were coming, so we naturally assumed-" Neil started to say.

"What?!" cried Raine, Genis and Lloyd. Kratos simply grunted, annoyed. Colette drooled.

"I am very sorr-"

"Why would you hand over a priceless artifact to anybody who just walks in? Do you use your eyes or are they just for decoration?" demanded Genis, "You humans are-"

Raine shut Genis' racism up by smacking him.

"Maybe we could look at the church?" suggested Colette.

"Might as well." sighed Lloyd. The group left, Genis grumbling and rubbing his cheek. The church wasn't much help. As usual.

They also entered the building next to it, which turned out to be a school.

"Hey Genis, weren't you supposed to go to this school?" Lloyd asked.

"Oh yeah, I got recommended since I'm wasting my potential in the backwoods of Iselia." Genis replied.

"Ha!" some douche kid in glasses shouted. "There's no way a runt like you could be that smart!"

"What! Genis can even knows the alphabet without the alphabet song!" yelled Lloyd.

Raine facepalmed.

"Wh-what kind of praise is that?" Genis asked.

"It's impressive for Lloyd's standards."

"I challenge you to a Brain-Off! Meet us upstairs to take a test!"

The brats left.

"I suggest we do some studying first." Raine said. "Let's borrow a spare classroom."

"Nooooo!" wailed Colette and Lloyd.

They also found a weird...thing? I have no idea what it's supposed to be, it looks like a torch holding Babybell. Genis inspected it.

"I am the mysterious gourmet, the Wonder Chef! I shall teach you the recipe for Omelette!"

And he did, and also gave them the ingredients because he's a nice guy like that.

"Farewell!"

Finding a spare classroom, the group sat down while Raine stood up to teach. Yes, even Kratos, although he's actually much older than everyone else he was still being forced into studying like a teenager.

"I've prepared some questions," Raine said.

"Do I have to take this test too?" Lloyd whined.

"Well...do what you can."

Question One: "Who am I?"

A) I'm Batman  
B) Your Mom.  
C) I'm Jean Val Jean!  
D) I am Iron Man.

Question Two: "Dude, where's my car?"

A) I dunno, dude.  
B) What's a car?  
C) This test is stupid.  
D) I sold your car.

Question Three: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

A) 42.  
B) What's a woodchuck?  
C) No you!  
D) Screw this.

After this pointless interlude, the group went to take the test. Even Kratos. I bet he wanted to go outside and smoke instead of putting up with this bullshit.

"Genis Sage and Mighty got...400!"

"It's a tie..." Genis said.

"Impossible!" shouted Mighty. Nice original name kid, bet your parents _love_ you. "I'm sorry I was so mean to you. I'm only apologising because you proved me wrong and I don't want to lose face, by the way, not because I've learnt not to be a brat. Why don't you stay at this school with us?"

"Way to go, Genis!" cheered Lloyd.

"Genis is very accomplished for his age." remarked Raine, smiling.

"Thanks, but no." said Genis, flatly, to Mighty. "The only reason I didn't get beaten to a bloody pulp in Iselia was because my sister is the teacher. Besides, your uniforms suck."

"Are you sure, Genis?" asked Lloyd.

"I can always come back when the Journey of Regeneration is complete, right?"

Hahahahahahaha. No.

_Genis earned the title, "School sucks even for nerds!"_

Outside, Kratos was tapping his foot impatiently to get the Journey back on track.

"Oh yeah, wait, didn't those losers say they were going to the Peak?" Lloyd put in, "Let's go there!"

"Okay, Lloyd!" sang Colette. Kratos twitched. It was going to be a long trip.

* * *

Whew! Now I have a cramp in my wrist. Reviews do help me update quicker. :)


	6. A conspiracy theory? No!

Yes, I know I'm late with my update again. Sorry! Luckily, I set up a poll a couple of days ago and somebody voted they'd like this updated. And who am I to argue with one single voter? (Seriously, though, check out my profile for polls. Shameless advertising!)

Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

Upon entering the Salvation house, the Fabulous Five randomly ran into the Assassin, who was mumbling some stuff at the altar.

"-Alla will be destroyed. Please, help me save everyone!"  
"It's Psycho girl!" cried Genis, in surprise. Lloyd stepped forward and turned to the others, who were all staring blankly at the ninja.

"Let's go." Lloyd announced. "I'd feel like an ass if we started a fight here."

"Wait!" cried the Ninja/Scary Lady/Psycho girl/Assassin, as they all turned to leave. "I'll slit all your throats right here! And stuff!"

"This is a place of useless praying and worshipping." Lloyd reminded her, sighing. "Let's not fight here. Besides, it'll just add to the mountain of side-quests and backtracking we have to do."

"O…okay." agreed the Assassin, backing down, just like that. After all, who'd wish even more backtracking on somebody?

"I'm Colette!" Colette chirped, out of nowhere.

"I never asked for your names!" The Assassin snapped, exasperated.

"You're right, I'm sorry." apologised Colette. "But, um, Miss Assassin-"

"It's Sheena!" Sheena- as she was now revealed- said. "Sheena Fujibayashi!"

"That's a mouthful!" cried Lloyd. Colette came forward, hands clasped in front of her.

"But Sheena, you were praying. Let's be friends and argue over which is our favourite season! I like spring!"

"I'm trying to kill you, you idiot!" Sheena protested, slapping her hand to her forehead. "I'm so much more of a summer/autumn person, anyway."  
"Oh, come on." sighed Genis. "You're blatantly not evil. You just said 'Please, help me save everyone!'"

"No I didn't!" Sheena cried, blushing. "I was praying I could kill you! Um...You made me lose my concentration! I'll kill you tomorrow!"  
She vanished. Then a few seconds ticked by.

"Gasp!" went everyone. Delayed reaction, much?

* * *

After healing themselves, the group continued on its not-so-merry way until reaching Hakonesia Peak. An impressive name for what was really just a post-board, a gate, some tourists and a shack were an old dude that looked like a turtle lived.

"Hey. Old guy, do you have the Book of Regeneration?" Lloyd cried upon entry, wasting no time.

"Of course I do!" Koton snapped, "But no way in hell am I letting you see it! I don't like men!"  
"He'd probably trade the book for some porn." muttered Genis to Lloyd.

"Anyway, the Chosen herself got this book off that moron Dorr. No way will I give it up!"  
"Yeah, but Colette's the Cho-" Genis begin, but he was rewarded with an up-close view of Raine's palm.  
"Shut up!" Raine ordered. "If we go showing off Colette like that, we'll be treated as impostors!"

...Which doesn't really make much sense to me. I mean, they got treated like impostors ONCE. But that all gets cleared up as soon as Colette gets her wings out (Heh.) So what's the big deal if he doesn't believe them straight off? It would sure get them the stupid book faster, anyway.  
Sadly, there was no cry of 'plothole!' this time, since this isn't really a plothole, it just doesn't make sense.

"The Cho?" repeated Koton.  
"The Chosen's number 1 fangirl. She goes through her garbage and stuff." Raine explained as Colette smiled stupidly. "So she wants to touch anything the Chosen might have touched."

"Maybe I will. For a price." declared Koton, winking at Raine. Raine restrained her urge to either throw up or hit him. "I like that Spiritua Statue."

"Oh, come on!" Genis cried, annoyed. "Do you really think a devout follower of the Chosen is gonna steal from the House of Salvation?"  
"If you're not going to bribe me, then you can get out! Except maybe the violent poncho woman. I like that kind of-"  
"Hell no!" shouted Raine, and ran outside as fast as possible. Everyone else quickly followed.

"Hey, are you going back to Palmacosta?" a random NPC asked Lloyd.  
"Um, yeah, why?"

"There's a lynch mob- I mean, there's a load of Desians headed that way!" the NPC cried, as though somebody with a pair of swords was going to care about that, "Apparently the Desian leader Magnius is with them!"  
"Awesome!" cried Lloyd. "Let's go there right now!"  
"...Why does everybody always ask Lloyd these things?" sighed Kratos.

* * *

Entering Palmacosta, the group quickly saw a huge dramatic scene. Cacao was about to be hanged. There were a bunch of Desians all dressed in purple standing around. The NPC's looked blandly on, like a bunch of badly-dressed sheep.

"Oh noez! Its Magnius from the eastern ranch!" screamed one NPC, desperate for attention as a guy with red dreadlocks and point elf shoes came strolling up to the hangman thing.

"That's LORD Magnius, vermin!" Magnius countered.  
He broke the guy's neck, which made a sound that sounded more like a nacho being stood on then bones breaking. A senior Desian spell-caster dude carried on;

"This woman defied the Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Lord Magnius by refusing to supply us with supplies! Therefore, while was have exceeded the death quota, we're still going to ignore it and carry out this woman's execution!"

"Technically, that was my daughter." Cacao explained, but nobody was listening.

"Damn them! Why isn't the stupid militia doing anything to stop this?" cried Lloyd, upon seeing this whole dastardly scene.  
"Most of them are on training exercises right now." explained a random NPC.

"They're ALL doing training exercises right now? What are they even training for, anyway? 'How to fail at protecting a city'?" Genis screeched in annoyance.

"PLOTHOLE!" agreed a voice, from seemingly nowhere.  
Lloyd winced. For some odd reason, he was certain it was much closer this time. Genis looked around in puzzlement. Kratos frowned.

Suddenly, Chocolat ran into the square.  
"Mom!" screamed Chocolat.

"Shut your nasal voice up, woman!" cried the spell-caster guy. "We'll attack you and stuff!"

"Do you think Governor-General-Dorr will let you get away with this?" Chocolat demanded.

"Dorr-knob? Ha!!" Magnius laughed, evilly. "Of course he will!"

A single small kid throwing a pebble then interrupted Magnius. Needless to say, this pretty much pissed him off. He came down from the hangman thing and was advancing menacingly.

"Stop right now! Thank you very much!" Lloyd screamed, sending a demon fang into Magnius' crotch.

"_Please_ do not tell me you just sang the Spice Girls." Moaned Genis in embarrassment as the boy ran off and Magnius' bitches surrounded him.

Lloyd told Genis if he didn't shut up he'd give him what he just gave Magnius.  
Genis shut up.

"Lloyd, stop it!" cried Raine. "Do you want to turn this place into the next Iselia?"  
"This is different!" argued Lloyd, "This City has a boat instead of a non-aggressive treaty! Besides, we have the Chosen on our side!"

Colette waved. Kratos sighed.

"What's she gonna do, throw teddies at them?" Genis complained.  
"Oi! You're wanted criminal, Lloyd Irving, which I only just noticed!" cried a random Desian bitch. Magnius then stood up.

"Well now! So you're that boy with the exsphere! After my drones attack you and I steal a twinkly ball off a teenager, they'll make me the leader of the Five Grand Cardinals!"

So then the spell-caster guy started up a fireball while Lloyd and Raine stood there like posts. Genis ran forward at the last moment and conjured up a Force Field.

"Amateurs..." swaggered Genis. Lloyd rolled his eyes.  
"My attack was cooler."

"GODDAMIT, WHY ARE YOU ALL SO USELESS?" Magnius screamed. "Fine! I'll finally stop procrastinating and kill this woman!"

The trapdoor then fell from under Cacao, who started flailing around like a fish. Colette finally woke up and threw one of her Frisbee's at it, which somehow severed the rope.

"What the-?" cried Magnius.  
I agree with him. For one, that thing is a friggin' Frisbee. She couldn't cut butter with that. And two, what happened to the other weapons you can equip Colette with at this point?! Just then, Kratos ran up and stabbed Magnius, then folded his arms.

"Let's respect the wishes of the Chosen."  
The NPC's all gasped.  
"The Chosen? She's the Chosen?"

"Um, yeah, I just said she was like 5 minutes ago!" Lloyd yelled at them, annoyed. "And look at her hair! It's, like, impossibly blonde and shiny."

_Colette obtained the title of 'Radioactive blonde moron!'_

Then the NPC's started kissing some serious Colette ass and bowed down. Colette beamed.

"Yeah! I'll save everyone, with the power of love and friendship and-"

"Enough!" Magnius screamed, annoyed at being ignored. "I can't take any more of this crap! I'm going to go get me some dope. You kill these idiots!"

With this parting shot, he vanished.  
"How dare you attack my mast- I mean, Lord Magnius! You're all dead!" yelled a random Desian, leaping into battle. He was instantly pwn'd.  
"Well, that was stupid."

* * *

"Thank you so much for saving my mom!" gushed Chocolat, later on.  
"Thank you." Cacao added, as though Colette and everybody had just passed the cornflakes over instead of saving her life. Twice.

"Well, it was kind of your fault she got into trouble anyway." Genis answered. He was ignored.  
"Blah blah, Grandma founded our shop, blah blah." Chocolat explained. "Also, I have to go on a Pilgrimage now."

"People are still going on field trips in times like these?" Lloyd asked, "What, do you like being molested by Desians or something?"

"It's times like this when people think going on trips will give them Salvation." Kratos explained importantly. "Either that or they just want excuses to go sightseeing for low prices."

"That pretty much sums it up." Chocolat agreed stupidly. "It's not like I believe in Martel or anything, though."

"Chocolat. How could you say that." droned Cacao.  
God, that woman needs some Prozac or something.

"Well, how could anybody believe in a Goddess that sleeps while we suffer?" Argued Chocolat, sounding like a spoilt child who hadn't got what she asked for from the toy store.

"I believe that Martel is inside all of us." stated Colette cheerfully, "As well as the fact she's not  
people's handmaid."

"Wait, there's a hot Goddess living inside me?" cried Lloyd, sounding ecstatic. "Why did nobody tell me?!"  
Genis groaned and kicked Lloyd in the shin.

"Well, if the Chosen says so, then I'll at least try to believe. Anyway, bye!"  
With that, the nasal teen brat left.

"I thought she was never going to go." sighed Kratos and Raine in relief.

* * *

Finally, the group set off to leave Palmacosta. They headed to the House of Salvation again, only to be stopped by a guard.

"Chosen! Governor General Dorr requests you postpone the Journey of Regeneration immediately!"  
"What? Absurd!" cried Kratos, because he hasn't said very much this chapter. Yeah, that's why.

"Yeah, um, this chick from a Pilgrimage got kidnapped." explained the guard. "Her name was Vanilla, or something?"

"Chocolat? But she only left 5 minutes before we did." Raine argued, suspiciously. The guard sighed.  
"Well, anyway, he wants you guys to go to the Palmacosta Ranch and save her."

"No way!" Genis cried, irritated. "It's her own stupid fault for going on a Pilgrimage! Plus, when did we take orders from Dorr anyway?"

"No! We can't abandon a possible convert!" Colette cried, passionately. "We must save her!"

And so the group headed off to the ranch. Just as they were about to go in, Neil popped out of the shadows.  
"Neil! Why are you hiding in the bushes like a pervert?" Genis cried.  
Neil looked around nervously.

"Listen, there isn't going to be any infiltrating the ranch."  
"Why not?" Lloyd asked, confused.

"Because this is a trap. The Desians would not leave a city with a militia alone unless it wasn't really a threat. Plus their main source of weed." Kratos stated, looking grim as usual. Neil nodded.

"Yes. Chocolat was used as bait to lure you here."  
"Oh no! What should we do?" cried Genis.

"We can't leave poor Chocolat behind!" Colette agreed, looking tearful.

"I suggest we go back to Palmacosta." Kratos said. "Because I do not want to deal with that whiny bitch named after confectionery. Also, we need to secure Dorr's motives and stuff."

"Because he's the only person besides Genis who has a brain, I agree with Kratos." Raine added. "I'm going to kill that fool _for giving away the Book of Regeneration like a Kleenex_!

"What do you want to do, Lloyd?" Colette cried, forgetting again that it was her Journey of Regeneration and not his.

"Uh, I wasn't listening, so let's just let the Professor kick Dorr's head in. Then we can come back to kick Magnius' head in."

"And rescue Chocolat?" piped up Colette.  
"Err, yeah, why not?"

Kratos and Raine looked pleased that Lloyd was actually making an intelligent decision for a change.  
"What should I do?" Neil asked.  
"You stay here." Lloyd told him. "Your effeminate haircut is offending me. Besides, you're not really much use anyway."

"You know what this means?" asked Genis. "MORE GODDAMN BACKTRACKING."

* * *

Whew! This was a difficult chapter to write. The next one will probably be easier, since I've done that scene like a million times.

Leave a review! For they are my source of power!


	7. Human ranch popcorn

Oh, dear. Looks like it's been a while since I updated again! Oh well, this chapter is nice and long to make up for it! (I think this one's on of my better chapters, but we shall see, no?)

Enjoy!

* * *

Upon entering Dorr's pad, it was suspiciously empty.  
"There's nobody here." complained Lloyd.  
"I hear voices!" cried Colette. Lloyd stared at her.  
"...I'm sure you do."  
"Or, it might be coming from the basement." sighed Kratos. As usual, he was right, and the Fabulous Five headed down to the cellar.

Dorr was standing in the basement with his evil-looking daughter and Random Desian 280…It doesn't really matter. How dare you mock my lack of consistency!

"When will my wife be returned to her original form?" Dorr asked, nervously.  
"Not yet. We still haven't had enough of a bribe." replied the Desian, bored. "You've been paying us less and less."  
"This is the best I can do! That is, without actually exerting myself."  
"Whatever. I have to conveniently leave now." replied the Desian, and did just that.

"So, what was that?" Lloyd asked conversationally, as if he always found conspiracy theories brewing up in the basements of the Government. (Hey, don't we all?)

"You! What are you doing here? Where's Neil?"

"Neil's hiding in the bushes somewhere." Raine answered, sounding all cold and evil.  
"So! Neil betrayed me!"  
"Nevermind that." Lloyd burst in. "What was all that about? Has your wife been taken in as a Desian Sex Slave or something?"

"Hostage?!" cried Dorr, derisively.  
"Actually, I said-  
"If you want to see my wife...She's right here!"

Dorr then yanked down a bit white sheet covering a cell. (Seems quite odd there are cells down there, eh?) And revealed a big purple cucumber-monster in a raggedy dress.

"!!" went Kratos, articulately.

"OMFG, what the HELL is that?!" screamed Lloyd, backing away.  
"It looks like something Raine cooked!" Genis added, horrified. "It's a monster!"

Genis got a smack.

"She's crying!" Colette declared. "She's crying out in pain...you mustn't call her a monster!"  
"Wait…how would you know?" questioned Genis, raising his eyebrows. "Since when could you speak cucumber-ish?"

"AHEM. This is what became of my wife, Clara! The Desians planted a demon seed in her as a warning! If I co-operate with them, they'll give me the medicine to save her."

"But that means you're using the people of this city as cannon fodder!"  
"So what? JUSTICE SUCKS!"

"Oh no you di'n't insult justice! I won't have justice insulted by some book-giver-away dude in a purple dress!" screamed Lloyd, like a disgruntled ghetto queen, much to Raine's approval. (That is, dissing Dorr, not adopting random stereotypes.)

"How about we get a plaster? That makes everything better! Then Martel and the people of Palmacosta will forgive you and stuff," cried Colette, ever the peace-maker.

"ABSURD!" interrupted Kilia, and punched him in the back. (Because I sure as hell didn't see a knife.)

"How could you do that to your own father?!" cried Genis, in shock.

"That's a laugh!" shrilled Kilia. Then she transformed into a skeletal purple thing with pigtails and clown-make-up. "I am a servant of Pronyma, Leader of the Desians and the Five Grand Cardinals-"

"Which, at this point, means nothing to us." added Genis. Lloyd stared at him.  
"Huh?"  
"Sorry, I have no idea what I just said."

"-And I was here to observe Magnius' human cultivation technique, blah blah blah. There's no way I would have a fool of a father like that!"

"A...fool of a father?" repeated Colette, like a retarded parrot.

"Just look at him!" Kilia went on, as if the audience really wanted this excruciatingly long scene to be any longer, "He was so busy chasing after a medicine that doesn't exist to notice his own daughter was dead! In order to save his monster wife!"

Kilia giggled evilly, as if that was remotely amusing at all. And so Lloyd and co leapt into battle, with Genis personally throwing up with disgust at the mutant fungus Kilia seemed to be growing on her back during the fight. (Seriously, EW.) Then, at long last, they won.

"Nooo! LORD Pronyma!" screamed Kilia. "Fine. I'll just set this monster free, and let it kill you!"

And Kilia crawled very slowly toward the door and somehow managed to pick the lock with her fingernails...Somehow.

Clara came stomping out, and was about to bitch-smack Colette, who cried, "STOP!" in an odd, commanding voice.

"I gotta know right now!" added Lloyd and Genis.

Kratos resisted the urge to bang his head against the wall.

And Clara left, presumably to go and scare small children or whatever it is that cucumber monsters do when they're not being stabbed or chained up. Although, it would seem that they have a tendency to pop up later with random items that the group will need...but for now, Dorr was still wheezing and so on, on the floor.

"Your name...is Lloyd?"

"Yeah, but who are you to ask for my name?" demanded Lloyd. Kratos promptly hit himself on the forehead with his palm.

"I have a favour to ask...will you try to cure Clara? I don't want Kilia to be on her own."  
"That I can't do. Mostly because you're a retarded, corrupt moron."  
"...Please take this card. The password is 3341...I wish I could help..."

And Dorr promptly shut up and died.

"We should go." stated Kratos.  
"Kratos! How can you say that!"  
"Oh, right. Check and see if he's got any money on him before the corpse vanishes."

* * *

Arrival at the ranch once again, Neil popped out of the bushes like some kind of tree fairy. Well, with that hairdo…  
"There's no need to tell me what happened. I can tell by your faces." Neil sighed.  
"Oh, that's good." Lloyd said, relieved. "Now we don't have to explain all about killing Dorr and so on."

The assembly face-faulted.

"Anyway, he wanted us to save Chocolat. He gave us the password and stuff. So move aside!" ordered Raine, and the group set off on their way to go saving the world. Or, failing that, some chick named after a pudding.

"Oh, look, a Sorcerer's Ring stone thing!" screamed Lloyd, poking it. The Sorcerer's Ring then turned into a Radar.

"Cool! Everything's all green!" Lloyd yelled. Kratos sighed, wondering how he managed to get stuck with this guy.  
"It's a Radar." explained Raine, "It means you can see things that you wouldn't normally see."

"Like where I left my keys?" asked Colette. Raine shook her head and Colette pouted.

They entered a room that had blocks and stuff in it.

"What's that?" Lloyd asked, kicking a nearby block. Needlessly, Raine exploded into excitement.

"It's a refresher! I never thought I'd see one here! MARVELLOUS!" she cried, latching herself onto the refresher with uncontrollable joy. Kratos sighed, figuring he had finally lost the only other member of the group with a ketchup-sash of common sense.

"Hey, Lloyd, there's a shiny thing up there!" squealed Colette with joy. "I'm going to go get it!"  
"Knock yourself out." Lloyd replied, too busy arguing with the refresher to pay proper attention.

Colette went flying around the room, chortling maniacally and grabbing the shiny thing, which later turned out to be a card-key thing. They left the room to go find the other keys and generally let everybody know they were there.

More detail? Nah.

Several warp-pads later, they FINALLY got to Chocolat, who was standing around with 2 Desians.

"Lloyd! Look!" Genis said, as if there was anything else they were supposed to be looking at.  
"Stop! Let her go!" Lloyd fumed, but to be fair the Desians weren't actually doing anything, just standing there and looking menacing. After kicking their asses, they got to Chocolat.

"Chosen One! Thank you for saving me." gushed Chocolat.  
"That's okay! I knew I could convert you!" gushed back Colette, pulling a BFF bracelet out of nowhere.

"This is no time to be celebrating." Kratos reminded everybody, a vein throbbing at his temple, "We still need to take out all our rage on Magnius for having to deal with you."

"Assistant Governor-General-Whatever-Neil is taking everybody else to safety. Why you have to be such an exception I'm not so sure." Raine put in, sharpening her staff and looking slightly menacing.

"Dorr finally mobilised his plans, didn't he?" Chocolat randomly asked Lloyd.

"Duhhh..." replied Lloyd, his brain randomly turning to marshmallow at being asked a difficult question. (Seriously, in the game he sounds like he's drunk when he says this or something.)

"I'm not sure if it's in the control room or not, but there was a room filled with shiny screens and other magical-"  
"SHINY!" cried Colette, joyously, running onto the platform with an idiotic grin on her face. Sighing, the others followed.

* * *

"Well, if it isn't the forsaken Chosen and her entourage of vermin!"  
"For...saken?" repeated Kratos, astounded at being lumped in with everybody else, since he's just SO superior.

Magnius was lowered into the room on a big-ass chair.

"You've got it mixed up, Magnius! You sit DOWN on chairs, not float up!" cried Lloyd. Raine and Genis both sighed at Lloyd's stupidity.

"I know of you trying to allow those inferior beings trying to escape! Well, you're not getting away!" cackled Magnius, and a bunch of his bitches quickly formed a circle around Lloyd, Colette, Genis, Raine, Kratos and Chocolat.

"We're surrounded!" gasped Colette. Just then a screen popped up, showing the captives running at the doors and bouncing off them.

"Oh no, they're trapped!" Genis yelled, joining Colette in the tradition of When In Doubt, State The Obvious!

"How did Neil get in there?" asked Colette, staring in awe at the screen, "Is he a magician man?"  
"That's a projector." sighed Kratos, "It's not really the product of Magitechnology, but we're going to pretend it is so that it seems acceptable."  
"We were displayed on here as well." Raine said. "...That thing better not have made me look fat."

_Raine obtained the title of, "The camera really DOES add on ten pounds!"  
_

"We're going to kick your ass, Magnius!" Lloyd declared, "And once we do, we can destroy your stupid projector and free the captives!"  
"Right, like you did in Iselia?" Magnius taunted. Lloyd looked at the floor.  
"Th...that was-"  
"I know." said Magnius, although he didn't, "I'll unleash the exsphere's and turn them into monsters!"  
"No! Stop!"

...Not to detract from the drama, but that makes no sense. How can he unleash ALL the exsphere's from that room? And wouldn't that means Magnius has a bunch of badly dressed cucumber monsters clumping around his ranch? That makes like -1 sense, so you know what that means!

"PLOTHOLE!" screamed a new voice.  
The group turned around to see a figure in a brightly-coloured superhero-type outfit, before it vanished in a puff of smoke.

"I KNEW it was real!" cried Lloyd in triumph.  
"...What the hell was that?" said Magnius. Then he shook his head. "Anyway, I'll be more then happy to turn them into monsters! Just like that old lady you killed! Like Marble! Mwahaha!"

"Marble?" Chocolat cried, finally doing something then just standing gormlessly around, "You don't mean-"  
"Oh, but I do, my little Chocolat." scoffed Magnius, suddenly hitting on a teenaged girl. Ew. "Dear old granny Marble was sent off to the Iselia ranch, where she hung out with Genis and was killed by Lloyd!"

"Wait, it wasn't like that!" denied Genis, quickly, "Lloyd tried to save her and-"

"No!" wailed Chocolat, backing off into 2 Desians. "Leave me alone! I refuse to be saved by Grandma's murderer!"  
"Did you really like your stupid Grandmother that much?" demanded Raine, annoyed.  
"Don't say things like that!" Colette screamed, passionately, shattering a few nearby screens. "Don't throw your life away like m- I mean, just don't do it!"

"Dorr will save me! Leave me alone!" Chocolat whined. Magnius cackled.  
"RIGHT. Dorr, yeah, uh-huh, right, whatever. Take her away!"

"You really DO like being molested, don't you!" Lloyd yelled, and was plunged into another battle. They won.

"Gah! You worthless idiots!" screamed Magnius, jumping off his chair.

The battle commenced, Magnius wielding a big battle-axe. After many more demon fangs to the groin (curtsey of Lloyd and Kratos) and Spreads from Genis, they were able to win.

"How...could a superior half-elf like me..." groaned Magnius.  
"It's because you're a retard, Magnius. Also you have a stupid pink jacket and pointy boots. Cruxis has accepted Colette was the Chosen."  
"What?! So...then...I was deceived..."

Meanwhile, Raine was pressing random buttons on the control panel. Or, more specifically, the same buttons over and over again.

"I've set the ranch to explode in ten minutes. We should get our asses moving."

"What! Raine-" protested Genis.  
"Remember Genis." Raine said, "We're not like them. We're different."

"Are you two speaking in code?" demanded Lloyd. Sighing, Kratos grabbed the scruff of Lloyd's neck and left. Magnius, meanwhile, wasn't quite done just yet.  
"I must warn Forcystus...while I have screen-time left..." croaked Magnius. You could tell he was about to die since his speech-bubble was apparently coming from his ass.  
"I have a slight problem with you trying to contact one-eye!" cried a stereotypical evil-scientist voice. Some dude in a green poncho popped up on the screen. "He'd realise what I'm trying to do!"

"Rodyle! You...you deceived me! There was no order to kill the blonde moron, was there?!"  
"Um, no. Kthnxbi!"

The group were fleeing the ranch when Neil was standing in the pathway.  
"Hey, why are you all running?" Neil asked, stupidly, the hair products getting to his brain. Speaking of things getting to your brain, Colette stopped and stared for about 5 seconds before saying,  
"It's gonna ASPLODE!"  
"...Shit!"

They escaped unscathed, and the Human Ranch 'exploded.' Though it was the crappiest video-game explosion that I've ever seen. It looked more like friggin' popcorn cooking then the demolition of a building!

...But enough of my ranting. For now.

"But what about all those people without key-crests?" said Neil, "We don't want them transforming!"  
"That's okay." Lloyd replied, "Let's just use the convenient skills of my Dad to fix them all."  
"...Sure?"

"Can we PLEASE get back to the plot now?" Kratos complained, twitching. "I think I'm beginning to develop a tumour thanks to me having to deal with you people."

_Kratos obtained the title of "Need pills now!"_

Whoo! Stick around for the next chapter! Reviews are looove!

* * *

* * *


	8. The water seal!

Hey readers! Chapter 8 is up! And I updated earlier then usual, for once! (Audience gasps and pretend to faint.)

Enjoy the latest installment or die!

No, just kidding. (Or maybe not.)

AHEM. On with the chapter!

* * *

With an oppressive tyrant overthrown, the group headed over to the House of Salvation, remembering that the Spirtua Statue was over there.  
Well. Kratos and Raine remembered. I'm not sure if Lloyd and Colette have the capacity to remember something that far back and trivial.  
"Yo, can we have that Spiritua Statue? It's for world Regeneration." said Lloyd, using the magic words.  
Sure enough,  
"Oh, of course!" cried the Pastor guy. "Go fetch it, minion!"

"M..My humblest apologies! But I fail at life, and we took the Spiritua Statue along with us on a Pilgrimage to Thoda Island and I dropped it in the geyser. This one is a fake I had that inbred guy in Iselia make."  
"Dirk?"  
"Dad's been making counterfeit items and I never knew?!" cried Lloyd, "What's next? Random assassins turn out to be good? That voice that keeps screaming 'Plothole!' belongs to a real person? Colette doesn't really want to become an Angel? Kratos isn't really a mercenary?"

Kratos and Colette hummed awkwardly and looked in the opposite direction. Somewhere, both Sheena and Mysterious Plothole Person sneezed.

"Lloyd, you didn't realise the Tooth Fairy wasn't real until you were about ten." sighed Genis.  
"Shutup!"

"Anyway, we'll go get the statue!" chirped Colette, happily.  
"The problem is the geyser." Lloyd complained. "I'll pass being burnt horribly by exploding water."  
"Oh my, Lloyd!" Raine gushed, her eyes shining, "You remembered geyser's shoot boiling water!"  
"I bet he just guessed." Genis snorted.

"Shutup! Just cast ice magic on the geyser or something!"

_Genis obtained the title of "Quick-fix!"_

And so the plan was thrust into motion (okay, maybe wrong choice of wording there.)

* * *

But upon arriving at the House of Salvation (and forking over 200 Gald) they were dismayed to see that the mode of transports were in fact...

"It's a...washtub?" Lloyd announced.  
"Yup. It's a washtub." agreed Genis, like a retard. Colette looked ridiculously happy. Kratos just looked bored. Raine, however, backed off.

"Um, I'm going to wait here. Go on without me."  
Lloyd and the others turned around.

"What's wrong, Professor Sage?" asked Lloyd, confused.  
"N-nothing. I'm not getting in that thing."

"It looks fun!" cried Colette, but her opinion wasn't really credited since she thought that putting stickers on trees was also fun, "C'mon, let's get in!"  
"Yeah, Raine!" said Genis, grabbing at Raine's arm.  
"Ahhh!"

Shocked faces all around. Even Kratos.  
"Ahhh?" repeated Lloyd. "Professor Sage, are you...afraid of water, or something?"  
"I...I was just starting to say, 'Ahhh! This should be fun!'"

"Um, okay." shrugged Lloyd.  
"Heh." sneered Kratos.

One washtub ride later...

"Wasn't that amazing!" squealed Colette happily. "Water came in and it was like a big splashy bath!"  
"Yeah, I thought I was going to drown. How fun." remarked Genis.

"I know!"

And with that, the group began to explore Thoda Dock. I say explore, when really I mean they just ran up to the side.

"Look! There's the statue!"  
And there it was. I would point out it seems pretty weird the priest managed to 'drop' it all the way over there, but nevertheless.

"My magic will...well, it's just an estimate, but it shouldn't last more then a few minutes." Genis said.

"That seems oddly convenient." commented Lloyd. Annoyed, Genis cast Icicle anyway. He turned to Lloyd.

"Okay, Lloyd, go the direction I tell you to, okay?"  
"Sure!"

"Okay, left!"  
Lloyd went up.  
"Ugh, now go right!"  
Lloyd went left.  
"...Up?"  
Lloyd went right. And that means that he knocked three hearts out.  
"GAAAH!" shouted Lloyd, as steam went flying up past his face.

"...No!" Kratos said, before jumping down and pulling Lloyd back up.  
"Aww, I failed." Lloyd complained as Raine healed him. "How are we supposed to get the statue now?"  
"Genis, can I get you to cast Icicle on the geyser one more time?" Kratos suddenly asked.  
"Whoa! You said my name!" said Genis.  
"Why?" Added Lloyd.  
"I'm going to get the statue myself." replied Kratos, even though...you know, it was pretty damn obvious. And off Kratos went, grabbing the statue with ridiculous ease.

"...What is it?" Kratos asked, seeing Lloyd and Genis' faces. "Is my face really that fascinating?"  
"Actually, yes!" Lloyd cried, peering intently at Kratos. Kratos sighed and batted him off.

"Hey, lookie!" Colette shrieked, causing everyone to jump.  
"Oh! It's a whatchamacallit stone!" Lloyd announced, staring at it.  
"An oracle stone." corrected Kratos. Lloyd flushed.  
"...I like my name for it better."  
Colette slammed her hand down on the stone, and a sparkly bridge appeared. Colette went skipping along it joyfully.

"But that means we got the statue for nothing." Genis complained, as they headed up the bridge.  
"Don't be ridiculous!" screamed Raine, in statue-related ecstasy, "This statue dates back to the Regeneration of Spritua, who-"

"Not another lecture." grumbled Lloyd. Sheena, who had been reading some random signpost about the fascinating geyser, suddenly noticed that her target was escaping. But Noishe blocked the way.

"Damn. Corrine!" called Sheena, summoning Corrine in a poof of smoke. Corrine did absolutely nothing.

"Why does this weird animal block the way?" complained Sheena, annoyed.  
"Howl!" howled Noishe, as the bridge vanished. Sheena glared.

"Grr! I'll get you, my pretty, and you're stupid dog, too!"  
"Bark!" said Noishe.

"Grr!" growled Sheena. This went on for several minutes.

* * *

"It seems she didn't make it inside." Commentated Kratos. Lloyd turned.  
"Who didn't?"  
"The girl."  
"Which girl?"  
"The one trying to kill the Chosen, you moron!" Kratos sighed, annoyed. Lloyd took a step back.  
"Whoa! She followed us?"

"Pay attention!" Kratos snapped. "I'm not always going to be able to yank you out of trouble all the time if you don't actually notice things!"

"I did! I was just…thinking and stuff!"  
"Yes, _thinking_. Your strong point."  
"A yeah, like you never screw up, 'cuz you're sooo perfect!" Lloyd yelled in annoyance.  
"No, I once made a terrible mistake…forgive me." Kratos suddenly said, mysteriously, then went off to catch up to the group.  
"Forgive you? What are you talking about?" Lloyd complained, totally baffled. But then again, _moss_ baffled Lloyd, so this just means that Kratos was being extra-confusing today.

_Kratos gained the title of "Cryptic just isn't mysterious enough!"  
_

After getting to the bottom of the steps, they found a Sorcerer's ring thing.

"Oh! It changed again!" Lloyd announced. "It shoots water."

"Thoda geyser is a plentiful source of water." Genis explained, as if the fact it was called Thoda GEYSER wasn't a big enough clue for everyone. "It's probably reacting to that."

"But if all it does is shoot water, it sure seems kind of…weak." Complained Lloyd.

"Weak!" screeched Raine, "Well, let me tell you-"

And on Raine told, explaining with fanatical detail about the importance of water and how water came in different forms, such as salt water verses fresh water and so on. Needless to say, Lloyd promptly ran off, hands clamped over his ears, since Martel forbid he learn anything. (Or, more, specifically, to keep his big mouth shut.)

So, with that being said, the group moved on to the puzzles, which involved squirting water at scales and pushing one block around. After all that was said and done, they went on to the seal.

"Ick. It's all wet in here." Lloyd whined. "Let's hurry and leave."  
"…We still have to release the seal first." Kratos reminded Lloyd, snobby.

"Well DUH. We didn't ride those freakin' washtubs for the fun of it." Retorted Lloyd. Then bright light began to pour forth from the seal.  
"It's mana welling up!" Genis commentated. "It's just like the seal of fire!"

And the screen shattered and they were thrown into battle. This time with a giant mermaid on steroids and her two bitches. The mermaid seemed to like smacking Lloyd in the face with her tail.

"Ow! Stop that!" Lloyd yelled at it (her?) after about the third time. "Genis, use Aqua Edge!"  
"Lloyd, it's a WATER element creature!"  
"Oh. Try a Spread, then!"  
"…Idiot. Lightning!"

"Ow! Why just me?" complained Colette, as one of the Amphitras smacked her over the head with its harp.

The Adulocia smacked Lloyd with her tail again. So that meant Kratos once again was prevented from battling since he had to give Lloyd and Colette first aid every six seconds. Eventually, they managed to successfully kill the mermaids.

A blue swirly thing appeared over the seal and light shot out of the ceiling.  
_Chosen one, say your prayers at the altar and stuff._

"Yes!" obeyed Colette, kneeling by the altar and mumbling. Next thing, Remial appeared in his dress.  
"Congratulations, Chosen One, on reaching this far."  
"Thank you…fa..ther." Colette chimed. Remial squinted at her.

We of Cruxis will grant you the new power of…um…being all Angel-y."

Shiny light then zoomed toward Colette and her wings popped out.

"Huh. Nothing else happened." Lloyd commented in the background. "I thought she's get a halo or something."

"Father, have I done something to displease you?" Colette burst out. Remial blinked and stopped glowering.

"…It matters not. Just hurry and become an Angel and quit doing all these ridiculous side-quests. The next seal lies in the place that's somewhere."

And Remial vanished in a flash of gold.

"Wow, he's even more up himself then usual." Commentated Genis. Colette came down from the altar, looking all mournful. Raine smacked Genis.  
"Apologise to Colette!"  
"It's alright." Colette assured Raine, too late to save Genis' raw head, "Father…Lord Remial really does sound like that."  
"Yeah, can we go now?" sighed Lloyd. "Although he was all vague again."

"Quit complaining." Kratos grouched, and stepped on the warp pad.

* * *

Outside, Colette promptly fell on her face.

"Professor Sage, Colette's sick again!"  
"Oh no." intoned Raine. "Let's get out of pop-up campsite for her to rest."

"I'm sorry I'm such a pain!" wailed Colette from the floor.

"If this is going to happen over and over, Colette is going to have a difficult and melodramatic journey ahead of her." Raine stated, as if she expected a journey to Regenerate a WORLD to be all tea and biscuits, "For now I'm going to called the phenomenon Angel Toxicosis, because I have the right to give it my own name."

And the pop-out campfire was set up in no time. In fact, it literally took no time because it just seems like the campsite comes out of nowhere. So that would make it a-

"PLOTHOLE!"

The group turned, to see a teenaged girl dressed up in a superhero costume standing on a nearby log. The letters 'PH' were on her chest. She seemed to be wearing a vest-top, shorts and finger-less gloves. She even had kick-ass superhero boots.

"…What?" she said, upon noticing everyone staring at her.  
"Who are you?!" Lloyd demanded, shocked. "Why have you been following me?"  
"I am Plothole girl!" declared Plothole girl. "I appear whenever there is a Plothole! And so far, there's already been about 8 now, at last count. So, I decided to start showing up in person!"  
"…So, apart from pointing out Plotholes, what else do you do?" Genis asked, sceptically. Plothole girl smiled evilly.  
"I also know secrets! Like yours, for example!"  
Genis backed off at once.  
"Anyway, I have places to be, plotholes to announce. Bye!"

"…That was weird."

* * *

Lloyd woke up later on to find Colette staring up at the moon.  
"Colette, you're still up?"  
"Hehe…I couldn't sleep." Admitted Colette.  
Well duh.

"You should sleep. I mean, it's the only time when you're not doing something stupid."  
"Kratos is still awake too, see?"  
"That's because he thinks it's beneath him to sleep and so he has to sit and stare in an angsty way at fires. You need to rest!"  
"Okay." Colette agreed.  
"Okay. Goodnight." Lloyd grinned, happy to have got his way for a change. Colette closed her eyes,

_Please…dream of fluffy sheep and stuff for me, Lloyd._

Lloyd sneezed. In the morning, it was off to Hakonesia Peak!

…Again.

* * *

Inspiration abound! I already have the next chapter half-done! So, review review review!

* * *


	9. Raine's archeology rage!

Hello my loyal readers!

Yes, yes, my update is pretty late. Whoops! I haven't played TOS in a while, so I lost inspiration for a bit. But you know what helps? A BIG JUICY REVIEW! (They're a good source of vitamin C, don't you know!)

I'd just like to say a special thanks to:** Animedude17, Freakyanimegal456, ReaderOfAll, Mega Mario, Kitty Katz-Katz, AzazerLikt, whatshername427, Legacy, Shiankumo Bani and Bonus Material.**I love you all. Your reviews give me the encouragement I need! (I am also sorry if I missed anybody/spelt your name wrong.)

Is this a shameless little speech or what? Sorry. I shall GET ON WITH IT. But remember...

REVIEW!

Oh, and enjoy.

* * *

"That old pervert better not refuse to let us see the book now." complained Lloyd, "After all the trouble we went through!"

"You mean the trouble _I_ went through." snapped Kratos, since Lloyd was too busy being ignorant to remember that he failed epic-ly (which is not a word) at getting the statue. (Hm, just occured to me that maybe I shouldn't point out what is and isn't a word in this fic, or I'll be here all night.)

But that is irrelevant!

"Ooh, you brought the statue!" salivated Koton. "Okay, the Barbie and the Hot elf can look at the book."

So Colette and Raine went over to the book and loomed over it.

"Blah blah, fire pillar thing, blah blah, water island place, blah blah, lots of wind, blah blah, mysterious tower...the rest is too damaged to read." announced Colette, sadly.

"We've obviously done the first two!" complained Lloyd. "But what's this wind place?"

"Maybe we'll find some clues in Asgard." suggested Raine, who wanted to GTFO out of Koton's shack ASAP. (How are all my abbreviations working for you?)

"It's said that there are some FABULOUS RUINS in Asgard!" added Raine.

"What is it with you and ruins?" complained Lloyd, but the group agreed and headed off to Asgard anyway, since Raine would probably just beat them with her staff unless they agreed.

* * *

Asgard itself wasn't all that interesting, besides a more jaunty theme-tune then the other cities. Raine promptly ran off to go find the biggest ruin in the area, chortling with a kind of insane joy. Everyone else followed, much more slowly.

"Lloyd!" cried Raine, spinning around and glaring at Lloyd."State the involvement of the ruin in the Balacruf Dynasty!"  
"Uh...balloons?"  
"No, you retarded fool." sighed Genis. "Anyway, blah blah Cleo the Third, blah blah, Wind Sacrifice, blah blaaaah-"  
At this point, Lloyd decided to rebel and go annoy everyone else.

"She really loves ruins." Kratos stated redundantly, since it's not like the players haven't noticed her spazzing out EVERY FRICKIN' TIME they find a seal. "She must have been traumatised as a small child."

"What? How can having a dramatic past result in the urge to caress every ruin you see?" Lloyd demanded, displaying a sudden large amount of insight.

"...Nevermind."

Deciding that Kratos had nothing interesting to say, Lloyd went running off to the back of the ruin to find...terrorists!

"Harley, I don't think we should asplode the ruin." some guy in glasses was saying, "It's the only thing cut-scene worthy in Asgard!"  
"But if we DON'T blow up the ruin, I'll never get to plough your sister. So we're doing it!" countered some dude in a bandanna.

"Oh, okay."

"HAY DER GUYS, ARE YOU PLANNING TO BLOW UP THIS RUIN?!" Lloyd yelled at a ridiculously loud volume.

**_"WHAT?!"_**

Raine was so demonically infuriated by this she actually jumped on top of the ruin and ran over to the source of Lloyd's screaming.

"How dare you try to destroy this fabulous ruin!" hollered Raine. "GO, ARCHEOLOGICAL RAGE!"

And Raine turned into Jackie Chan and kicked Harley and Linar where the sun doesn't shine. In their stomachs. Actually, it would be kind of weird if the sun shone out of random parts of your body, never mind the stomach.

"OW my spleen." whined Linar.

"Yo! What do you think you're doing, woman?!" Harley yelled, not learning his lesson and standing back up, "I'm a half-elf!"

"Whoop-de-doo!" Raine shouted and kicked him in the abdomen again; "You were going to blow up a ruin! THAT IS INEXCUSABLE!"

And with that, Raine prepared to lay down some verbal history ownage when she went and slapped the switch. Why she needed to move her arm to give somebody a lecture is beyond me. It just blows the mind, you know?

"...Fuck." said Lloyd, Harley and Linar.

"Anyway, this ruin is super special awesome, and you don't even-"  
"Um, Professor?"  
"SHUT UP! Anyway-"  
"You turned the bomb on, you twit."

"I...what?"

"Great. Where's the off-button?" Lloyd sighed, inspecting the machine.

"It doesn't have one!" declared Harley, proudly.

"YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BREATHE!" Raine cried, giving him a third foot-to-the-stomach. "What kind of IDIOT goes around building machines they can't even control, only to FOOLISHLY use it to blow up a ruin, then goes and tries to claim half-elf minority-"

"I guess I'll have to fix it." grumbled Lloyd.

_Lloyd fixed the machine!_"I'm impressed. You stopped the unbreakable breaker!" remarked Harley, generically. "How convenient of you!"

Just then, the mayor and his two man-slaves came over to the ruin and kicked Colette, Genis and Kratos out.

"It's the fuzz!" cried Linar, sweating.

"Cheese it!" chimed in Harley, and they somehow managed to sneak past the mayor on the very narrow stairway. I guess even NPCs have their ways sometimes. Anyhow-

"We must follow them!" declared Raine, eyes shining with ruin mania. "Only a complete tit-box would try to blow up a ruin! I must go barging in to their houses and lecture them on their ignorance!"

"Just as long as you don't kick the bandanna-guy again." Genis reminded her, "I think you might rupture something if you do it again."

"Whatever."

* * *

And so they went off to Linar/Aisha/Harley's house.

"Get out!" Harley yelled upon seeing them.

"But we just got here..." Colette cried, confused and upset. Genis groaned.

"Harley, shut up or you'll do your intestines more damage." Aisha sighed, turning to the group. "Sorry. I'm Aisha, thank you for stopping my brother and his sexually frustrated friend from destroying a precious piece of history."

"Why did you try and blow up the ruin anyway?" Genis asked quickly, since Raine looked like she was going to burst a blood vessel with silent rage.

"Aisha was going to be sacrificed!" Harley replied, angrily, "And I can't allow that! She's hot!"

"That seems oddly primitive..." remarked Kratos, raising his eyebrows in a superior manner.

"Well, originally it was just a ceremony with some sexy dancing, but then-" began Linar.

"-This idiot who can't stop scratching his head starting trying to experiment on the seal and now some monster is demanding sacrifices!" babbled on Harley.

"How do you experiment on rock, anyway?" Lloyd asked, but he was ignored.

"Anyway, that's our problem for you to go solve." Aisha explained. "You know, since this is a monster of WIND."

"Now get out!" insisted Harley.

"Well, it's obvious we have to help them!" cried Colette, because she's easily duped.  
"Let's go back to the ruin for clues!" Raine agreed.

"You shall not pass!" cried the Mayor.

"I WILL get back to the ruin!" Raine shrieked, "I am a scholar, so let me pass."

"An idiot like you already screwed up the ruin enough. Only the dancer can get on the stage- I mean, ruin, now!"

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that 'idiot' remark." Raine replied through gritted teeth. "Now, I'm going to hijack the role of dancer. So lemme onstage!"

"But Raine, you still don't know any offensive attacks! You'll get owned!" protested Genis, but Raine igored him.

"All right, whatever. Arguing with you is giving me a headache." the Mayor grouched.

Suddenly, the group was at Aisha's house again. Did they teleport or something?

"Anyway, you guys can be my bodyguards. Now, I'm going to change into an outfit significantly less gross. Do you mind?"

* * *

The scene went back to the ruin again, where Raine was onstage with her staff and preparing for the ritual. However, the said dance seemed to involve Raine poking random areas of the ruin with her staff.

"Aww, I thought it would be a Morris dance or something." complained Lloyd. Everybody gave him a weird look. Genis just shook his head, slowly.

Anyway, yes, Raine poked the statue and a big purple monster thing popped out.

"I come for teh virgin!" it cried.

"Nooo! Bad!" screamed Colette, like a retard. "Professor, that's not the summon spirit of wind!"

"Time to kick some ass!" Lloyd hollered in glee. Kratos rolled his eyes and jumped onstage after him. Colette pouted from the sidelines and Genis tried for about five minutes to get up onto the platform.

And so a battle commenced, with a big mutant purple thing with a scythe for a tail started slicing people. It used Wind attacks, just to be stunningly original and everything. Oh, and it had claws and teeth and stuff.

"Great. And this is the point in the game I learn 'Air thrust' why?!" complained Genis, who kept getting wildly scratched.

Raine was not being very helpful in the battle since she was practically stapled to the floor with a magnifying glass, so Lloyd and Kratos kept nearly trampling on her. It's lucky Raine kept screeching whenever they got too close.

"What's that horrible sound?!" complained the monster, after Raine screeched for the forth time.

"Sonic thrust!" Lloyd yelled in joy, and the battle was over.

"Wow, that was really, really painful." remarked Genis, who had scratches all over himself.

"You're amazing, Raine!" gushed Linar. Colette clapped her hands joyously.

"Ha! It was hardly a challenging opponent." boasted Raine, whilst Lloyd, Genis and Kratos all gave her death glares behind her back. "Anyway, we stole a map off the monster's miserable corpse, so let's go to your place and study!"

"Because that's the kind of thing we should be doing on a Journey of Regeneration. Studying." Kratos snapped, but it fell on totally deaf ears.

"Don't worry, Raine can probably figure it out." remarked Harley. "She is a minority half-elf, after all."

"What! No!" Genis squealed, sweating a lot. "My sister and I are elves! Elves I say!"

"Do you think I'm so stupid I can't recognise my own ki-" Harley began to say, but Genis stared at the floor in an angsty way whilst all the villagers glared at him.

"Oh. Yes, I am stupid." Harley cheerfully confessed. "You're an elf after all!"

Kratos rolled his eyes, because who the hell is going to believe that little performance?

"Yeah, stuuupid!" grinned Lloyd. "Now let's go get some sleep!"

_Lloyd earned the title of 'Stupidity knows no bounds!'_

* * *

And so everyone else went off to the inn. I have no idea where Harley and Aisha were at this point. Maybe they were 'studying' as well.

WHO KNOWS?

"Your sister is amazing!" Linar cried, scratching his head AGAIN. He must have a raw scalp. "She deciphered that map in a matter of seconds!"

"If she deciphered it in a matter of seconds, why did you insist on keeping her hear all night, you flea-ridden scumbag?!" Genis growled at him.

Lloyd, Colette, Harley, Aisha and Kratos all blinked. So did Plothole Girl.

"Oh, yeah! PLOTHOLE 9!" she screamed after a minute. She had a temporary brain lapse for a moment there. Everyone stared at her.

"...How did you get inside my house?" Aisha asked her. Plothole Girl shrugged.

"Apparently, nobody locks their doors in this place unless these guys have to go there next. Oh, bye!"

"ANYWAY." Raine interrupted as Plothole Girl vanished, "I know where the next seal is! We must go there RIGHT NOW!"

"Call me." mouthed Linar.

"Looks like Raine has another geeky loser fan." Lloyd commented to Genis, who glared at Linar.  
"Yeah, whatever."

Raine slapped them both.

"By the way, are you on a Pilgrimage or something?" Aisha asked, randomly. Colette suddenly looked panicky.  
"We should get going." Kratos abruptly said, "The Balacruf Mausoleum could get up and walk off for all we know."

"Hey! Don't ignore my question!" Aisha cried.

They got out of there. (Though, seriously Kratos, talk about rude. Aisha lets Raine stay at her house and she just gets ignored.)

_Kratos gained the title of 'Frosty the ice-jerk'!_

Anyway, before rushing off to some place where they apparently bury dead 'air' people, the group went sauntering off to Luin for supplies.

Inside, Lloyd found Sheena being surrounded by small children.

"Okay, okay! I'll steal the candy this time!" Sheena called.

"Awesome! And while you're in there, get us some paste to eat, huh?"

The children disappeared into nearby Plotholes. Sheena turned around to face Lloyd.

"W...what? Quit staring at me like that!"

"Uhm...yeah...boobies...jiggles...bra..." Lloyd burbled, and Sheena rolled her eyes. "Um, anyway! You're not evil, so can you stop popping up and attacking us now plz?"

"What! No! Don't you...argh! I lost my concentration again! I'll get'cha!" Sheena babbled, before running off in the opposite direction. Apparently, even ninjas need to stock up on smoke bombs occasionally. Lloyd blinked.

"What was I talking about, again?"

"WIND SEAL!" Genis screeched at him, because Lloyd forgot what he was meant to do every six seconds. (Probably all that sex distracting him.)

"Oh, yeah! Let's go, everybody!" Lloyd ordered, "Quit standing around!"

"That's MY line." Kratos grumbled.


	10. Ze wind seal!

Hey my loyal readers!

Wow, I wrote this chapter fricking fast. Seriously, I finished it in about an hour and three-quarters. For me, that's pretty fast. Sheena finally joins in this chapter and there's some heavy ZOMGIAMANANGEL angst from Colette. (Well, comedy angst anyway.)

Enjoy!

* * *

Where we left off, our band of wannabe heroes had gone off to the Balacruf Mausoleum, a hotspot for dogs and tourists alike. (Ha ha, not really.)

"Ah, another depression!" Raine smirked, wildly, the familiar gleam in her eyes. "Colette, place your hand there!"

"Yes, Professor!" Colette obeyed cheerfully, and LO AND BEHOLD the door opened. Wasn't that unexpected? They trooped in with little to no enthusiasm, except Colette and Lloyd who were shreiking like ten-year-olds. Oh, and Raine, but that one goes without saying.

"I can hear the wiiind." Colette sang, making a not-so-subtle Hairspray reference. Genis rolled his eyes to the ceiling.  
"Gee, in the Wind Seal? That's so cool."

"Isn't it? Teeheehee!"

Turns out that in the Wind Seal there were a bunch of irritating spikes and so forth that poked out from the floor/walls at random intervals, stabbing our hapless heroes every so often.

"Lloyd, you idiot, move when they start closing in!" Kratos snapped at him, after spikes crunched them for the fiftieth time.  
They were already running seriously low on HP. And, for some odd reason, TP, though I really don't see how being stabbed by a barrage of spikes is going to effect your magical energy, but then it's not really a Plothole. But seriously, it's weird.

"You're not the boss of me!" Lloyd retorted idiotically. Kratos just sighed and kicked him out of the way of another barrage of spikes.

Then they got to the Sorcerer's ring...thing. Pedestal, there was go.

"Oh, the ring is responding again!" Colette remarked, displaying astounding intellectual prowess. "I wonder what it does?"

Lloyd tested the ring.

"Oh. It makes wind." Colette announced, wowed beyond comprehension.

Genis and Lloyd started sniggering, while Raine was busy examining the fascinating scriptures on the wall and Kratos resisted the urge to put his sword through somebody's head.

"I guess it blows things." Lloyd smirked, and then he and Genis collapsed into more hysterical giggling, even though neither of them probably knew what it meant. Since they grew up in a backward hick-village with spineless doormats for villagers.

"Move it along." Kratos hissed, looking at his watch impatiently. As if he has something better to do other then sheepdog the Chosen and her band of idiots. So then the torches by the big fat door were lit. Astoundingly.

Randomly, as the group went in, Sheena popped up at the door.

"Grrr." intoned Noishe.

"Damn. Corrine!" Sheena called, with an over-the-top pose. Corrine popped up in a small puff of clouds. And stood there. Noishe was somehow intimidated by this, so he backed off and Sheena went running on inside.

"OW! Stupid spikes!" she screamed.

Anyway...

"What? We're not done yet?" complained Lloyd, upon seeing another room with another freaking huge door. And a bunch of fans.

"How are we going to get further in?" gasped Colette, staring with unbridled fascination at the big windy things.

"We should blow the fans in the correct order to unlock the door." Kratos announced, ignoring Lloyds' juvenile sniggering. Genis blinked.  
"How can just making a bunch of fans move in the right order open that big ass door? It's like it's made of frickin' steel!"

Kratos glared.

"Just shut up and use the goddamned ring."

And somehow, Namco expects the player at this point to actually go and read all the stupid signs that 'hint' at the order you're supposed to blow the fans. Whatever. That's merely wasting precious seconds of my oh-so-wasteful life. So:

"Red!" went Lloyd.

"Yellow!" giggled Colette.

"Green?" questioned Genis.

"White." Raine enunciated.

"Blue." muttered Kratos.

The door then buzzed a bit, indicating it was open. (See? Now it's a parodyfic AND it's useful! ...Kind of.)

"...That was weird."

* * *

The confused band of weirdoes approached the dais. Genis flinched, dramatically.

"Oh my god! Mana is welling up! I bet you weren't expecting me to say that!"

A big blue bird showed up at this point. And no, it did not have any relation to the Big Bird from Sesame Street, since it spent its time kicking people in the face and shooting them with feathers and so on so forth.

"ANGEL FEATHERS!" Colette squealed.  
"PHOTON!" hollered Raine.  
"Tempest!" accentuated Lloyd.  
"Stop announcing your battle techniques and get on with it!" barked Kratos. Woof woof.

After that was done and dusted, Colette approached the altar, face shining with virtue and blind adoration as usual.

"Colette, the Chosen. You have done well in reaching this far." intoned Remial, hovering with the air of somebody who has absolutely nothing better to do with their time but still doesn't want to be there.

"Thank you...fa..ther." Colette mumbled.

"...Accept this gift of Cruxis." he went, and magical light spiralled down and Colette's wings popped out.

"The next seal is the place of the thing." Remial added, in a way that was now beginning to feel very obligatory. "You're almost ready to become an Angel, so hurry it up. And don't you dare do any more sidequests."

With that, he vanished in a ray of blinding golden light. How sickening.

_Colette learned 'Holy Song', which she will spam every five minutes in battles!  
_"All right! Third seal down!" Lloyd cheered.

* * *

"Now let's get out of here before Raine tries to steal any more artifacts." added Kratos and Genis.

But, surprise surprise, they were stopped on the way out.

"STOP!"

"Oh, goody!" Colette tittered merrily, seeing an annoyed-looking Sheena approaching them. She went skipping forwards.

"Oh, it's her again." Genis put in, redundantly. It's not like we can't see her or something.

"Hey, stay away!" Sheena gasped, then cleared her throat. "I won't be caught off guard this time! Prepare to die!"

"How do you go about preparing to die?" Lloyd mused, oblivious to the fact that the battle had already commenced. "I mean, there's got to be a whole load of things people want to do before you die, so preparing to die would actually take a pretty long time and the person telling you to 'prepare to die' would want to kill you right away, so really-"

"Lloyd, shut up and concentrate!" Genis screeched, since the bird-thing was trying quite hard to throttle him.

"Oh, right! Sonic thrust!" Lloyd cried, snapping to attention. Sheena suddenly stopped what she was doing and held up her hands, in the universal body language for 'Stop right there'.

"Whoa, stop right there!"

Lloyd blinked. Everybody else stopped, which was a good job as Genis was just about to get strangled.

"Huh?"

"You can't use a move called 'Sonic THRUST' on people!" Sheena complained, "That's just plain wrong!"

"But...but it's just the name of the technique..." Lloyd answered, really confused now. Sheena sighed. "Okay, whatever. Let's just say you beat me so you don't do that again."

"Um, okay?"

"Argh! Why can't I win?" Sheena cried, as if the above conversation had not happened.

"Goodness and love will always win!" smirked Genis and Colette clapped giddily. Lloyd rolled his eyes.  
"Don't use such a corny line!"

"Good? What do you mean good? If you're propositioned to be good, I'm good too!"

"What do you mean?" Colette asked, posing an intelligent question for a change, "If I regenerate the world, won't everybody be saved?"

"...This world will be saved!"

And Sheena ran off, but it's really not like she could escape anywhere since, hello, it is a dead end once you get to the altar room.

"Hey, wait!" Lloyd shouted, running about a step and then giving up.

"That girl, could she be..." Kratos muttered. Lloyd turned and looked at him.

"Did you say something, Kratos?"

"No, I was talking to myself. I mean- Shut up. You're dawdling."

* * *

Outside, Colette collapsed once again. You know, I might be crazy, but I'm beginning to sense a little bit of a cycle.

"Colette!"  
"It's the Angel Toxicosis again." Raine informed everyone. "Let's hurry and get out our pop-out campsite so she can have an angsty moment."

"I am so sorry to trouble everybody again." Colette wailed, thus cementing Raine's previous statement.

"Don't worry about that, but-"

Lloyd tried to help Colette up, but being a spazz he dropped her and then fell over her body. Smooth, Lloyd. Maybe you'd like to fall on a banana peel as well?

"What are you doing, Lloyd! Are you okay, Colette?" Genis cried, his personality somehow managing to flip-flop in two sentences.  
"No, that's okay, don't worry about me." Lloyd snapped from the floor, "You know, I bleed as well, but nevermind that."

Colette opened her mouth, then stared vacantly into space for a second. Genis bent down.

"Colette? Did falling over twice hurt? Did you forget to talk again?"

"Oh, no, I just zoned out there." giggled Colette cheerfully, as though losing consciousness is all fun and games. Lloyd stared suspiciously at her.

And lo, it's Pop-up camp scene time!

"Colette, let me see you hand!" Lloyd suddenly demanded.  
"Huh? Why?" Colette asked blithely.  
"Just show me!" Lloyd ordered. Wow, when did he suddenly become so bossy?

"Oh, noez! You're hurt! It must have happened during when you fell and not one of your million other accidents."

"But it doesn't hurt. I feel so numb!"

"What?"

"Uhh, I meant, it doesn't hurt that much." Colette shrugged, failing utterly at being nonchalant. Lloyd walked away a step.

"Colette, can I talk to you for a sec?"

"I DO! Oh, I-I mean, sure."

* * *

Colette stood gazing at the moon in what she hoped was a vague and dreamy way when really she just looked like she had a crick in her neck.

"Here, I brought you some levitating coffee." Lloyd said, handing over a mug that was about the size of his head.

"Thanks!"

"Hot, isn't it?" Lloyd asked, oh-so-casually. Colette batted her Bambi-eyes, wondering if Lloyd was talking about the coffee or trying to be suave. She prayed to Martel it was the latter.

"Um, yeah, it's really hot!" Colette conquered, playing along and beginning to think very un-Chosen-like thoughts about magical horses and possibly a romantic disney-esque song involving them both singing in each other's face.

"It's actually iced coffee." Lloyd said, suddenly.

"What?" asked Colette, realising that Lloyd was not suddenly about to start stripping.

"I had Genis make it cold." shrugged Lloyd, despite the fact Genis had been asleep. (Does he sleep brew or something?) Colette was very confused.

"Oh, teeheehee, of course it's cold."

"I _lied_. It's actually hot." Lloyd replied, deviously. (Seriously, that "I lied." line sounds so funny.)

Colette dropped the mug. First he was pretending to sweep her off her feet, now he was getting all conniving over coffee!

"I knew it! How long have you been like this? You can't feel anything at all, can you?"

"Um, well, but uh..." babbled Colette, convincingly.

"You were apparently bleeding, but you didn't even flinch when I squeezed your hand!"

"I guess the secret's out." Colette agreed, hoping Lloyd would go back to his "oh, I'm hot." track.

"You haven't been eating lately, either. You're a bulimic!"

"I eat! Teeheehee."

"Barely. You even started eating Raine's cooking. And have you been sleeping?"

Colette was beginning to feel like she was being cross-examined.

"Of course I've been sleeping! See, I'm not cranky or red-eyed."

"You're so fake, Colette!" cried Lloyd, exasperated, "You're like those people who use like 50 exclamation marks at the end of a sentence to look exciting. You always do that fake giggle when you lie."

"I do not!"

Lloyd decided to play the Guilt Card.

"Is it that hard for you to trust me?"

Colette sighed. She was no good under this type of pressure.

"I don't know...at the Fire Seal, I wasn't hungry. At the next seal, I wasn't sleepy. And at the next...yeah, you get the point."

"Why didn't you say something!?" demanded Lloyd.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly trouble everybody else. And it's just not enough that I'm turning into an Angel, I had to keep it all secret to make things more dramatic!" Colette explained.

"Oh. But this is what it means to become an Angel? To lose your humanity?"

"But my eyesight has actually gotten better! Just to keep things interesting, I can see really far away now! And I can hear the faintest sounds really well. Like if you stop on a ladybird, I can hear it shreiking at you."

Hmm, like how if you're trying to sleep you can hear a T.V in another room. Doesn't that just drive you crazy?

"I'm sorry, Colette. I didn't notice at all!" Lloyd moaned, guilt-ridden for being an oblivious idiot.

But, well, clearly he DID notice, on account of all that ruthless questioning, but let's ignore that for now.

"I'm sorry. Don't tell the others, Lloyd, let's keep them ignorant a while longer!"

"What? Why?"

"Well, I want this journey of getting attacked by monsters, assassins and Raine to be fun, and I don't want them to worry about me. I honestly can't bear having to many stupid questions fired at me at once, it makes me head hurt."

"You're so stupid!" Lloyd chastised, whilst hugging her.

"Um, thank you?"

_Colette obtained the title of 'Defective thermostat!"_

* * *

When it was morning and Genis was annoyed at not being able to find his floating coffee mugs, the group decided for no particular reason to go to Luin, only to find it had been completely screwed over!

Reaching the fountain, they found none other then Sheena!

"You! Now you're even over here?" Genis cried, apparently unable to believe the concept that somebody can travel without a giant mint-coloured dog thing.

"Oh. It's you guys. If you wanna finish me off, now's your chance. I haven't got any strength left to fight."

"What kind of assassin admits that to the enemy?" Kratos sighed, folding his arms. As usual, Colette decided to invade Sheena's personal space.

"You're hurt," she cried, as if 'have got any strength left to fight' wasn't a big clue. "Professor, heal her!"

"I will. But first, tell us what happened. You're very probably leading us into a trap."

"Hah! You're as devious as you look!" jeered Sheena.

"Call me what you like." replied Raine coolly.

"Okay then. Devious!" Sheena and Lloyd both said. Lloyd was slapped hard.

Raine gained the title of "Devious ice queen."!

"Take a look at this city. Um, town. Whatever. The Desians totally screwed it up and dragged everyone off to the Ranch."

"Those Nazis!" cursed Lloyd. Colette, however, wasn't interest in that.

"But how did you get injured?"

"I fell down some stairs." lied Sheena, using the oldest lie in the book, under the 'I-clearly-did-not-injure-myself-due-to-clumsiness' section. Then Clara came clomping along, apparently having escaped the Plothole she must have fallen in, and chasing a pastor. Despite having no strength, Sheena stood up.

"Stop! Get back, you monster!"

Clara bitch-slapped Sheena.

"Argh!"

"Clara, please try to calm down." reasoned Colette, deciding to show off and fly over, who also got slapped, and Clara escaped.

"Anyway, Professor, please heal Sheena!"

"Fine, but you're all soft-hearted and stupid." grumbled Raine, and healed Sheena, who stood up.

"Why did you save me?" she gasped, surprised.

"Because we can." responded Kratos, shrugging.

"Oh. Um, I know this is a selfish, unreasonable thing to say at this point, but I have a favour to ask of you."

"We'll do it!" Colette shrilled. I would like to know what she was going to do if Sheena then said 'Kill yourself' or something equally as dramatic.

"You don't know what she wants yet." Genis reminded her, and Colette pouted.

"I owe the people of this city/town for food and lodging. Help me break into the ranch and kick some ass."

"Oh, yeah. Wanting to save people is so selfish." remarked Genis, sarcastically. Then it was decision time for Lloyd, Yay.

"Okay!"

"Lloyd, you can't be serious!" Raine complained, annoyed. But she was over-ruled, since it had become blatantly obvious to everybody that Sheena was not evil and a complete failure at being an assassin.

Sheena joined the party!

"Well, I suppose if we look at it another way it does seem like we can keep an eye on her." Raine announced, if to hang on to her dignity and pettiness and she glared at Sheena.

"Heh. You'd better be careful you don't lose your head while you sleep."

"Oh, come on now!" Raine protested angrily as everybody began to file out, "Did you hear that? We can't trust her! Hey! Listen to me, will you!"

"Raine, seriously, I think we're more in danger of your cooking then being killed by Sheena." Genis sighed, glad that he was out of arms reach of Raine at this point, "Now quit being so melodramatic."

_Sheena earned the title of 'Sleeps with the enemy...metaphorically.'_

_

* * *

_Sweet! That's ten chapters I have of this story now! Whoo!

Stay tuned for number eleven! Review?


	11. Identity crisis ranch

And lo! An 11th chapter is born!

Hope you enjoy! And remember: REEEVIEWWWW!

* * *

"Alright! Time to bust into a ranch uninvited!" Lloyd cheered.  
"Don't announce that." Kratos complained.

But unfortunately, there were a lot of enemies wandering aimlessly around the ranch. There were, like, four or something.

"I don't think our usual method of running in and slicing everyone to ribbons is going to work this time." stated Raine, "We need to think of a plan."

"I know!" declared Lloyd, "What if we run over to them, right, and I start hitting them with my sword? Genis can cast spells from the back, Sheena can hit people with cards, Colette can...uh, fall on them, Kratos can do whatever it is Kratos does, and you can heal any injuries!"

"THAT'S WHAT WE USUALLY DO, IDIOT." Kratos growled at him. "Fighting blindly isn't going to work! We need a strategy!"

"Why don't we ambush them and steal their outfits?" suggested Genis, "Like they do in cheap cop movies!"

"Well, it's not like anybody else is going to come up with anything better." grumbled Kratos.

And so, the group lay in wait for the blue Desians, then proceeded to 'ambush' them. Only, it was basically just them running off the side of the path towards them, THEN DOING WHAT LLOYD JUST SAID. Spooky, huh?

"Well, now we just need to decide who is going to wear them." stated Raine, much later on, in the ruins of Luin.

"Oh, me, me!" cried Lloyd, "I'm really excited about the idea of dressing up like a bondage slut that has pyromania!"

"That won't work, you moron." sighed Raine, really wishing that somebody would just muzzle Lloyd, "These are women's uniforms."

Lloyd looked disappointed.

"How come you have a Desian costume anyway, Sheena?" Genis asked Sheena after she and Raine got changed. What they did to those Spearmen (Spearwomen?) I don't know. I mean, that's pretty much their whole costume right there. We can only hope that Desians don't go commando.

"Oh, I don't know." Sheena shrugged. "Crack is one hell of a drug."

"What?"

"I was going to infiltrate the ranch by myself." Sheena corrected herself.

"ANYWAY. The rest of you will have to be prisoners." interrupted Raine, "Colette and Lloyd are wanted criminals anyway."

"Yay! I'm wanted!" giggled Colette.

"But-" protested Lloyd.

"You are NOT wearing a girl's uniform, and that's final!" Kratos snapped at him.

* * *

So, the group went backtracking off to the Asgard Ranch. Though, as a sudden thought, why is it called the Asgard Ranch when nobody in Asgard usually mentions the Desians, whereas Luin gets literally owned by the ranch? Calling it the Luin ranch would have made a lot more sense...

Anyhow:

"We've done it!" cried Raine, to a nearby Desian.

"Done what?" the Desian replied, confused, "Did you finally figure out how to do that damn Rubix Cube?"

"What? No, um, we captured the Wanted criminals. See?"

"Oh. Go on in." the Desian sighed. "Oh, and Lord Kvar rocks and stuff."

Once inside, Sheena and Raine somehow got out of their costumes without too much of a hassle. Maybe the Desians have some really well-placed zippers in their outfit, who knows?

"Well, that was kind of easy." remarked Genis. "Didn't they find it weird that one of their 'prisoners' is a twelve-year-old and one is a mercenary?"

"Nobody ever said Desians were smart." answered Sheena, yawning.

"Yeah, they think I look like that stupid Wanted posted!" chipped in Lloyd, "And I totally don't have a red moustache!"

"I HEAR VOICES!" Colette suddenly squealed.

Everybody else was spared from replying to this, because just then Botta and his two clones came running in.

"You!" shouted Lloyd, dramatically, "You're the Desians we met in Triet!"

"Oh, my god." sighed one of the clones, "Like, how totally stupid is this guy? I mean, seriously, yeah?"

"Hey!" protested Lloyd, ignoring the random valley girl accent I just gave a clone.

"Are you looking for a fight?" drawled Kratos, sounding like one of those loner tough-guy cowboys from those irritating black-and-white films that everybody quotes all the time.

"Wait. Kratos is with them." Botta said, as if his clones had bothered moving at all.

"Do you two know each other?" Lloyd demanded, the obvious question finally hitting home.

"I suppose. If you mean the fact we met them in Iselia and Triet."

"But, didn't Botta mention your name in Iselia as well?" Colette suddenly piped up, remembering the incident in front of the Martel Temple. She was ignored.

"PLOTHO-!" cried Plothole girl, because seriously, they aren't that dense.

"Go away, it's not a Plothole." Kratos told her. Plothole girl pouted.

"Fine. NEVERMIND!"

"I don't think we should fight here." Botta cut over Colette and Plothole girl, because apparently he's _that_ scared of Kratos. Kratos just shrugged, looking all suave and purple. Botta and his minions then ran off to the door, just as some Sorcerer's entered. Why they didn't bother to stop them is a mystery.

"ZOMGSHEILD!" Colette gasped, as some puny little fireballs hit a big crackly shield Kratos summoned up at the last second.

"Colette! Kratos!" Lloyd yelled, dramatically.

"I'm okay!" Colette trilled.

"No time for that, he's behind you!" Kratos yelled, equally as dramatic.

_Kratos got the title of 'Pantomime man!'_

Just then, a guy with a serious thing for hair gel and over-sized shoulder pads came gliding in.

"Well, this is a surprise." remarked ???, "When I heard we had some rats, I assumed it was the Renegade Botta, but instead I find the wanted band of idiots. But I must say that I'm surprised you survived that attack."

"...You're surprised we survived a fireball?" repeated Sheena, incredulously.

"Who're YOU?" Lloyd demanded rudely.

"You barge into MY ranch and then demand MY name?" Kvar replied, annoyed.  
"Well I'm hardly going to ask you for my name, am I?" answered Lloyd. Genis, Sheena, Kratos and Raine all slapped their foreheads in frustration.

"He's Kvar." sighed Kratos, having to explain everything to Lloyd in bite-size chunks was after all quite tiring. "One of the five Grand Cardinals."

"Ahaha. It seems some of you know me." Kvar said, who found that funny for some reason. "And it's just like One-Eye said! That exsphere is without a doubt the result of my Angulus project!"

Colette, who didn't want Kvar touching her man-candy, then threw her Frisbee at him, who skated out of the way.

"Good job, Colette!" Lloyd congratulated, which was a stupid thing to say. I mean, she threw a Frisbee. It's not like Lloyd couldn't have just used a Demon Fang on him or something.

The group ran off through the door, and Martel knows what the hell Kvar was doing rather then following right after them. I mean, all Colette did was throw a Frisbee.

So...do you know what that makes it?

"PLOTHOLE 10!" screamed Plothole girl, popping up.

"Not other inferior being." sighed Kvar, catching up. "Who are you?"  
"I am Plothole girl!" announced Plothole girl, leaping out of nowhere in a blur of neon. "I go wherever there's a Plothole. Kind of like how Raine appears anywhere when there's a ruin. Anyway, bye!"

"Um, anyway." Lloyd began, awkwardly, "What is that thing?"

He pointed up at what looked like a big-ass conveyer belt, where a bunch of people dressed in sacks were just standing around, like, 'Oh, yeah, we're getting stuffed into these giant capsules, but let's just stay here and go along for the ride'.

"This is where the exsphere's are attached to the host bodies." Kvar explained briskly, "Human ranches are exsphere manufacturing plants."

Everyone stared.

"Do you mean that exsphere's a made from...human bodies?" asked Raine, which is the most retarded thing I've ever heard her say. I mean, what kind of question is that? How do you expect to get power from an orb with a DEAD BODY squished inside it?

"Not exactly. Exsphere's are dormant at first. They steal nourishment from the humans. Why else would we spend our time raising up these inferior beings?"

Wow, Kvar would make a great tour-guide.

"That's terrible!" cried Genis, stating the obvious.

_Genis gained the title of, 'Idiot Prodigy! Wait, that's an oxymoron! AAH!'_

"Yes it is. Now give me your exsphere, Lloyd!" demanded Kvar. Like Lloyd would just say, 'Yeah, okay then.'

"What is it with Desians and my exsphere?" complained Lloyd.

"It was supposed to be an offering to Lord Yggdrasill." answered Kvar, because apparently Yggy likes his bling, "It's time you gave it back."

"Yggdrasill...I suppose that's the name of your leader." said Raine.  
"No, it's the name of your mom." said Lloyd, annoyed. Raine slapped him.

"It's time I reclaimed what was stolen by that filthy female host body!" cried Kvar, noticing Lloyd's confused look. "Hmm, you don't know anything, do you? Host body A012, human name, Anna. Your mother."

Lloyd got pissed by this point.

"YOU KILLED MY-"

"No, your father did. When her exsphere was removed from her key-crestless body, she transformed into a cucumber-monster, and your father killed her. Pathetic, don't you think?"

"De mortuis aut bene aut nihil!" Kratos cried.

Everybody stared at him.

"Um, what?" Lloyd asked him, blinking. Kratos cleared his throat.

"I mean, do not speak ill of the dead!"

"I'll handle this!" Sheena announced, stepping forwards. She looked down at the card she was holding. "I'm gonna use the last one, Grandpa."  
"Grandpa?" said Kvar.

Then this badass-looking bird thing popped up and the group got the hell out of there. Being a ninja has its advantages.

"They disappeared!" cried a Desian.

"It's magic!" cried another Desian. The other Desians promptly stabbed him in the stomach. A lot.

"Anyway, your orders, sir?"

Kvar shook his head.  
"Let them go. We can find them anytime by following the Chosen-shaped holes in random walls. But for now, find the Renegades!"

"PLOTHOLE 11!" added Plothole girl, appearing once again.

"What is it this time?" Kvar sighed.

"If you were looking for the Renegades that badly, you would have stopped them when they ran past you! HA!"

* * *

And lo, it was time for another RANDOM CAMPSITE SCENE!

"I can't believe exsphere's are made from human lives." commented Sheena, staring at her neon blue hand.

"This is Marble's life." added Genis.

"ARRGH! THIS...THING!" Lloyd raged, overcome with a helluva melodramatic angst moment just then.

"Lloyd, no!" Colette cried, as Lloyd made as if to drop his exsphere into the fire, "What will you accomplish by taking that off? Why not take off your shirt instead?"

"These things make a mockery of human life!" protested Lloyd.

"Yes, but we would have lost a long time ago had we not had them." rebutted Kratos, "Well, not me, obviously, but all of you. Anyway, we should instead do something to break this tragic cycle. So stop angsting already."

"People are sinful beings." added Raine, melancholic. "We must continue to bear the burden of our sins as long as we continue to live."

"Hey, I can take off my exsphere without removing my glove!" Lloyd suddenly cried, pleased with himself, "Exsphere on, exsphere off, exsphere on, exsphere off-"

"Stop. Now."

* * *

The next morning, Colette was folding away the pop-up campsite and stowing it Martel knows where, when Lloyd decided to carry on fighting and stop being such a drama-queen.

"What are we going to do now?" questioned Genis. "Kvar's probably hired some bodyguards by now or something."

"I think we should go to Hima." asserted Sheena, "Remember how Luin got busting for hiding escapers? The guy, Pietro, lives in Hima. Maybe he can tell us a way back in."

"I like pie." Lloyd grinned.

"Not PIE. PIETRO." Sheena sighed, exasperated.

"Oh."

"Don't you guys get tired of that?" asked the Summoner, indicating Lloyd.

"We just try to block it out." Raine assured Sheena, "You get used to him...after a while."

"Kind of like how Lloyd's got used to your breasts." added Genis. Raine slapped him. Colette grew bored of this conversation, and decided to go and chase a squirrel, but she forgot that squirrels can run up trees and hit her head.

"Well, let's go to Hima!" giggled Colette, looking only mildly concussed. "And go find the Pie man!"

"Idiots." muttered Kratos, massaging his temples, "I am surrounded by idiots."

* * *


	12. Bondage class 101

Wow! I have actually managed it! I updated a whole several weeks earlier then usual!

My update is part of a way of saying THANKS for all your wonderful reviews. Seriously.

Oh, and if anybody has any ideas for random titles I can give people, please feel free to send them on in!

* * *

And so the group turned up in Hima, which was quite difficult to find, since it was just a random strip of orange slapped up in the mountains.

"Well...there's an inn." Colette said, trying to be optimistic.

"Is that all there is?" Genis asked, wrinkling his nose. "I mean, look! The customisation store is just a carpet and a gazebo!"

And indeed it was. Some jaunty theme-music was also playing.

"Anyway, let's try inside the inn." suggested Sheena.

So in the inn they went. In. Inn?

"Sheena! Is that you?" cried Sophia, who was standing on the stairs.

"Hi, Sophia!" Sheena greeted. "Is Pietro here?"

"I'm afraid to say Pietro died." Sophia said, grimly.

"Gasp!" cried Sheena and Lloyd.

"Gasp!" cried Colette and Genis.

"Gasp!" went Raine.

"Gasp." said Kratos.

"Hey, did he say anything about the Human Ranch?" pressed Genis.

"Or why you're stuck to the stairs?" added Lloyd. Raine slapped him.

"I'm sorry about him." Raine apologised. "But could you tell us where his grave is?"

"It's round the back." Sophia replied. "But, um...please don't dig up his grave."

"What do you think this is, the Victorian times?" Genis demanded, "We're not going to dig up his grave! Jeez, what do you think we're here for? Do you think we're just here to go pilfering organs or something? I can't believe you suggested something like that!"

"Um, your companions have already left." Sophia pointed out.

"...Crap."

"We should give our respects." Colette was saying, outside. "Let's pray."

Sheena, Genis and Colette all bowed their heads. Lloyd panicked, because he forgot. Raine simply ducked her head and tried to look reverent, despite her inner cynic screaming for mercy. Kratos was apparently too good to bow his head to pray. Jerk.

Then suddenly, an autistic-looking guy in a blue jacket came wondering over.

"Who're you?" Lloyd asked him, with interest.

"Sunglasses...blonde hair...cheap tanned skin...boring."

"What?"

Suddenly, Sophia came running up to him.

"Sophia!" accused Sheena, pointing at her. "That's Pietro! You told us he was dead!"

"OMGZOMBIE!" Colette and Lloyd screamed, hiding behind Kratos, all scared and so forth.

"Get off me." complained Kratos.

"Please, can't you leave my brother alone?" pleaded Sophia, "He's very sick!"

"He's the reason Luin is in ruins!" replied Sheena, laying on the guilt. "And you won't even let him talk to us a bit?"

"Boulder...pink...obvious plot device...conveniently stashed orb...BOOM RIMSHOT."

"People who escape from the ranch get sick and eventually die." Sophia said. "There's no logical reason for this, but if I give you something he left behind before he got sick, will you heal him?"

"Might as well." sighed Raine.

_Sophia forked over the Desian Orb!_"Boltzman's healing technique is in the Tower of Mana." Sophia went on. "Please heal him as soon as possible!"

And with that, they both took off. Right on back to the inn. How did Pietro get out, anyway?

"Well, now we should go back to the ranch." instructed Kratos, "So we can make paste of Kvar."

"What ever happened to, 'We don't have time for side-quests'?" demanded Lloyd.

"This is different!" Kratos snapped. "Now get moving!"

* * *

The bright pink boulder was still sitting there when the group returned.

"Okay, let's try pushing it before we use the orb!" Lloyd cried, and immediately flung himself onto the boulder, trying to shift it with his lower back. Ouch.

"Out of the way!" Raine sighed, pushing Lloyd onto his face. She held up the orb, and the boulder moved.

"It opened!" cried Colette, amazed.

"But when I pushed it, it didn't even budge..." whined Lloyd.

Upon entry, however, Lloyd ran into a pair of Desians.

"Who the hell are you?!" demanded a Desian.

"Well, I'm Lloyd." Lloyd began, politely, "And this is Colette, the Chosen. The short guy is Genis, Scary Poncho woman is Raine, The boob-ninja is Sheena, angry purple guy is Kratos, and... Yeah, I think that's everybody. And now we're going to kick your asses!"

And so they did, and the Desians crumbled into dust or whatever.

"I've opened up the ranch layout." announced Raine, pressing a few seemingly random buttons. "This should tell us where Kvar is."

"Nice to see Kvar keeps up with his Lego blocks." Sheena commented, staring at the layout of the ranch. And while I'm on the subject, just why the hell was there a 3-D map conveniently there anyway? Kvar's not exactly going to forget the layout of his own ranch. Unlike Magnius, he's not totally stupid.

"It seems that Kvar is over here." Raine went on, pressing a few random buttons. "But we have to activate these switches over here to get to him. Those are located all the way over here, and there seems to be a coffee lounge over there."  
Then an alarm went off.

"Dammit. They've detected my uber hacking skillz." grumbled Raine, but oddly enough there was no rush of Desians to y'know, stop the intruders or anything. Maybe they just wanted to stay in the coffee lounge.  
"Well, anyway, it looks like we'll have to split up. Colette, please choose for us."

"Who? Me?" Colette asked, forgetting as usual that this was her Journey of Regeneration. "Um...I'll just let Lloyd pick."

"Okay, fine, then I'll go after Kvar and you can stay here." Lloyd replied. And Colette's plan to be the swooning heroine beside Lloyd was foiled.  
"You're also taking me along because I want to butcher Kvar." Kratos broke in, "And if you don't, will make you regret it."  
"Okay, okay!"  
"You're not going to leave me with these guys, are you?" demanded Genis. Lloyd decided to be merciful and stop Genis from being stuck with his insane sister, a blonde retard or Scary Lady.

"I'll go with these two!" declared Lloyd.  
"Fine. Leave the machines to me." cackled Raine.

"It's such I shame I didn't get to go with you, Lloyd." said Colette, speaking as if it was a simple unfortunate glitch that Lloyd didn't pick her.  
"...I can't believe I'm stuck with these two..." Sheena complained, "But I guess this means you must trust me if you're gonna leave Raine and Colette alone with me."

"That, and the only thing you can do right now is Pyre seal and summoning a little blue furball." agreed Lloyd. Sheena scowled.  
"Well, you whined enough the last time I hit you with one..." Sheena grumbled under her breath.

"We should get moving. I want to inflict some serious internal wounds on Kvar as soon as possible." Kratos ordered.

"Okay! Get ready, Kvar!" cried Lloyd.

...Only for the group to go running up a bunch of conveyer belts and owning random Desians, before their journey came to an abrupt halt.

"Oh, crap, the teleporters aren't working." Lloyd whined. "Now we have to wait!"  
"So, what should we do till then?" asked Genis.  
"Hmm... I know! Let's play slaps!" suggested Lloyd.  
"You first." grinned Genis, evilly, knowing how bad Lloyd was at this game.

Kratos simply started hitting his head against the wall. A lot.

* * *

"Well, it's time to go de-activate the machines." announced Raine, sighing.

Sheena led the team, because for the life of me, I just can't fight using someone who either falls on her face as an attack, with limited success, or somewhere who takes about 20 minutes just to cast one friggin' spell.

Then, the group ran into a bunch of Desians.

"You! Woman!" a Desian yelled at Raine, "What are you doing here?"

Before Raine could reply with a cool and devastating retort, Colette panicked, and said the first thing that came into her empty little head.

"Um...we're here on a field-trip?" she said, meekly. The Desian frowned, sceptically.

"Seriously? I don't remember Lord Kvar authorising random field trips..."

"Um, we're learning about how to become Spearmen, like the other Desian women!" Sheena burst out, "You know, Bondage Training 101!"

"Oh! You're here for the training program!" The Desian said, snapping his fingers. "Go right on ahead."

"Wow, I wasn't expecting that to actually work..." mumbled Sheena as the women sneaked into the ranch, de-activating switches and saving random civilians from certain doom.

"I wonder if there really is a training program like that?" mused Colette. Well, as far as she can muse.

"I don't even want to think about it." sighed Raine.

"All right! The switches have been...unswitched!" cheered Lloyd, "Let's go kick Desians balls! Um, ass!"  
"Owww, my hands..." moaned Genis.

"I found you Kvar!" Lloyd jeered, racing over to Kvar, who had his back turned to the group. About three seconds after Lloyd's group came in; Raine, Sheena and Colette joined them. Why somebody didn't rush over and stab him in the back is beyond me. It's not like Kvar wouldn't resort to such measures, but nonetheless.

"Oh, this is Lloyd." purred Pronyma. "He does bear a resemblance."

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" whined Lloyd. Kratos cleared his throat, awkwardly.

"Oh, it's you." intoned Kvar, before turning back to a slutty hula-hoop Desian. "Don't change the subject, Pronyma! I know you've been stealing research data!"

"No, I really haven't." answered Pronyma, bored.

"Stubborn woman." Kvar grumbled. "I suppose I should expect no less from somebody who's slept with the entire league of angels, but that's beside the point! Eventually, I will defeat you and be leader!"

"Keep dreaming." Pronyma retorted. "Anyway, I heard Rodyle talked you into a vague scheme and you're deceiving Lord Yggdrasill. Good luck with that."

"So the mana cannon is no longer a secret." Kvar announced as Pronyma clicked off the screen. "Well, no matter. Once I steal something off a mentally unstable teenager, any gossip about me will be stomped out."

"Mana cannon? When did that get mentioned?" Genis asked, puzzled.

"YOU ARE NOT TAKING THIS FROM ME!" Lloyd screeched, and the battle commenced, with only Lloyd, Genis and Kratos joining in. Colette, Sheen and Raine all sat back and broke out the popcorn.

And the battle was a real pain in the ass, since Lloyd kept getting attack by random energy stone things, and occasionally getting clubbed in the head. Kratos would have worried, but he didn't think Lloyd's brain damage could have got any worse.

Eventually, however, they won.

"I did it, Mom." Lloyd said to his head, as some whimsical music started to play from nowhere, "You've been avenged!"

_Lloyd gained the title, 'Sentimental orphan!'_

"We found out where Chocolat is, by the way." mentioned Raine, as if that was AT ALL important right then, "She's in Iselia's ranch or whatever."

Suddenly, Kvar got up again, preparing to slash Lloyd in the back. See? Told you he would resort to hitting people from behind. Colette, because she'll do anything to get Lloyd's attention, leapt in front of him.

"Colette! Zomg!" Lloyd gasped, as she collapsed into him. Yeah, totally on purpose.

"I'm fine!" smiled Colette.

Kvar took this opportunity to escape, but Sheena popped up with her uber teleporting skillz and blocked the way...with her arm.

_Sheena gained the title, "Makes a lousy barricade, but she can teleport! Wow!"_

"You bastard!" cried Lloyd, hitting Kvar with his sword. Such language. Kratos then ran up and also stabbed him.

"Kratos...you pathetic, inferior being!" seethed Kvar.

"FEEL THE PAIN!" stabbed Kratos, "OF THOSE INFERIOR BEINGS!" stab. Kratos then put his sword away. "AS YOU BURN IN HELL!"

"Wow, Kratos." said Lloyd, staring. "You really didn't like that guy."

"No, you think?"

Raine then finally looked over at Colette, putting her hand over her chest in surprise.

"Colette! That wound!"

...What wound?

"Oh, I'm okay, really!" Colette giggled, "It's weird, but it doesn't hurt at all! Isn't that just the neatest?"

"You're not okay, you idiot!" snapped Sheena, "Raine, heal her or something!"

"Colette, I just can't keep it a secret any longer!" Lloyd suddenly burst out.

"She's pregnant?" Sheena gasped.

"What? No! Listen to what I have to say, everyone! Colette...can no longer feel anything! She's like Claire Bennet from Heroes! Colette is growing closer to becoming an Angel! She can't eat, she can't sleep...she can't even cry! Cry, bitch!"

"That's horrible!" cried Genis. Is that his catchphrase now?

"I'm okay, Lloyd, really!" Colette reasoned, as if she honestly expected anybody to believe that by this point. Raine, however, decided to plough on through all of this melodramatic Colette confessional.

"Right now, we need to do something about this ranch. And by do something, I mean I'm going to feed my inner terrorist and blow it up. Uh, because Desians are evil jerks."

"Right! Bomb away!" agreed Lloyd.

As the group left, the same evil-scientist guy with a serious neckbrace popped up, addressing Kvar's body.

"Lord Kvar! Thanks to you, the mana cannon will soon be complete! Thnk fr th mmrs!"

...Come to mention it, though, whatever happened to Kvar's body after Kratos stabbed him?

Weird.

* * *

"Let's go get Colette to an inn." suggested Raine, outside.

"Luin's in shambles right now." pointed out Sheena. "Are you sure Colette can rest there?"

"Let's just go to Asgard." Kratos insisted. "And hurry up, you idiots, the ranch is about to explode with cheap graphics again."

Following Kratos, the group left and headed for Asgard.

...Though actually, whatever happened to the hostages from Luin? Where the hell did they vanish to?

"So Colette becoming closer to an Angel means losing her humanity..." Genis announced melancholic. "How awful."

"I can't believe she's giving up being a human to save the world." chimed in Sheena, because it's not like we haven't had _enough_ demonstrations about how wonderful and sad the Journey of Regeneration is. We get it; Colette's a GOOD PERSON. Can we please MOVE ON now, Namco?

"I wonder what will happen when she gets to the Tower of Salvation?" pondered Lloyd.

"Um...actually..." Raine began.

"It's okay, Professor!" Colette interrupted hastily from the bed, a bed that she can't have actually been sleeping in. So it's all a complete WASTE OF MONEY for the group. "Thank you for worrying about me, everyone!"

"But Colette, don't you miss being a human?" persisted Sheena. "Like, don't you miss eating your favourite foods and sleeping and feeling?"

"Nice try, Sheena, but I won't give up being a sacrificial lamb that easily." beamed Colette, "Well, we should carry on with our journey!"

And so the group went off to go and do more sidequests. And they just managed to avoid the man at in the lobby, as it turned out that Lloyd spent all the money on mustard and cheap hair gel. Whoops.


	13. Pactmaker, pactmaker, make me a pact!

Wow! My story's gotten quite a few hits now! Nearly over 3,000! I owe it all to you guys and your continuous support, feedback and stuff! I love you all! (But not in a creepy way.) And I've started playing TOS again, so I can get me fresh now material. Yayz.

Ennnjoooy!

* * *

And now, for no reason at all, the group decided to go to Lake Umacy. Because no way in hell am I going to the Tower of Mana, only to have to backtrack ALL THE WAY TO THODA GEYSER again from there anyway, and that's what I always do when I play. Sue me for not following Namco's vague plotline, dammit!

"Wow. A lake." grumbled Genis.

And so it was.

"Hey, lookit!" cried Colette, peering, "I see something in the water!"

"Is that a unicorn?" Lloyd said, excited.

"No, it's your face." replied Genis, annoyed. Lloyd kicked him.

And yes, it was a unicorn. Lying under some...logs. With a conveniently placed air bubble of it. Which I totally don't understand how it's stayed there for so long, but whatever.

"Oh, you have unicorns on this side, too." Sheena mused. Lloyd looked at her, confuzzled.

"From this side?"

"Um...look over there! It's a unicorn!" pointed Sheena, sweating a bit.

"Really? Wow!" cried Lloyd, his ADD kicking in conveniently at that precise moment. Raine rolled her eyes.

"I wonder if we could contact it?" she mused, "So I have get my haxx healing skillz."

"But it's trapped in a watery prison," mentioned Kratos, melancholic, "We cannot reach it from here."

"Couldn't I swim to it?" Lloyd asked, peering in.

"No. You'd drown." snapped Kratos.

"Really?"

"But in order to master Boltzman's healing technique, we need the unicorn horn." persisted Raine.

"...There is a way." began Sheena, dramatically.

Everyone stared at her.

"...Duuh?" chimed in Lloyd and Colette.

"We could summon Undine." continued Sheena, shooting a confused look at Lloyd and Colette, "She exists in this world, right? If I make a pact with her...I can summon."

"Wasn't the art of summoning lost a long time ago?" asked Raine, all suspicious.

"If you don't want to rescue the unicorn, I won't force you!" replied Sheena, panicky, "In fact, let's just not make a pact at all! Yeah!"

"No, it sounds cool and much more fun then doing what we're supposed to do!" grinned Lloyd, "Let's go to Thoda Geyser!"

Genis, Colette, Lloyd and Sheena all walked off.

"ANOTHER side quest?" demanded Kratos, irritated.

"Yes." replied Raine, redundantly.

* * *

And so OFF THEY WENT TO THODA! YAY!

That was sarcasm, by the way. And so once they got past all the pokemon shark rip-offs and the kung-fu starfish, they arrived at the main room.

"Pact! Pact!" chanted Colette and Genis, because they were just that mature.

"Despite these two behaving like complete idiots, my inner scientist is sexually excited right now." noted Raine, smiling, "I simply must study this later!"

"A summoning pact...hmm..." Kratos stated, like he was trying to be even more handsomely broody then he already is. Or something. Sheena, however, wasn't encouraged.

"It's easy for you to say..." she mumbled, "I-I might fail you know."

"You'll do fine!" grinned Lloyd, "I mean, I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about and I'm being blindly optimistic, but..."

"You don't know anything about summoning!" Sheena cried, without moving her lips. Odd. (Seriously, check out her mouth in the game and she doesn't move her mouth.)

_Sheena obtained the title "Wow! A Ventriloquist!"_

"Go on!" urged Genis. Sighing, Sheena approached the altar. Undine appeared in a swirly pattern of blue light. Ooh. Undine was a...mermaid-type thing in a purple dress.

"You who possess the right of the pact. I am one who is bound to Mithos. What is your name?"

"I am Sheena." Sheena stuttered, "Um...canImakeapactwithyouplease?"

"Mithos?" Genis asked, confused, "Mithos the Hero could wield a sword AND summon? How over-powered was this guy?"

"Mithos is a common boy's name." sighed Raine. Yeah, with all those Mithos' running around that we've met so far. "It's not necessarily Mithos the Hax. Don't jump to the most obvious conclusions."

Kratos coughed, awkwardly.

"Bound?" interrupted Lloyd, his retardation kicking in, "Like, a slave bond?"

"Shut up, Lloyd." Sheena sighed. "Anyway...um...can I make a pact? Pretty please with letsnotdie on top?"

"As things stand now...I cannot." answered Undine, placidly.

"W-what?" gasped Sheena, going a bit pale. "Why?!"

"I am already bound by a pact." explained Undine; "I cannot form two pacts at the same time. That's slutty."

"What am I meant to do now?" complained Sheena to the group, confidence hitting rock bottom. "They never mentioned this in the brochure!"

"W-what should we do, Lloyd?" asked Colette. Yeah, ask the guy who basically goes with his gut instinct and has no idea what's going on around him 75% of the time. Good choice, Colette.

_Colette gained the title of, "Opinions are overrated!"_

"Um...can't you get her to just cancel her old pact?" tried Lloyd.

"How?" demanded Sheena, "This Mithos dude could be anywhere!"

"A summoning pact requires a vow." sighed Kratos, getting tired of dealing with over-emotional teenagers all day, "As long as the pact-maker upholds the vow, the contract is valid."

"I know about that. The summoner and spirit agree to the pact." answered Sheena impatiently.

"Exactly. Therefore, all you need to do is follow Lloyd's advice. I can't believe I just said that, but get her to cancel her old pact. It's possible this Mithos is dead or an obsessive, effeminate idealist anyway."

"Is it really that simple?" inquired Genis, a tad snotty.

"I suppose you could call it simple, but nobody asked your opinion anyway." replied Kratos. Ooh, shot down.

"Okay...I'll try."

Sheena cleared her throat.

"Undine! I ask of you to annulst thy pact with Mithos and establish a new pact...with me." she finished, lamely.

"Before we can make a new pact, I must test your strength so I'm not just giving my powers to a bunch of know-nothing morons."

"What?!" cried Lloyd, surprised. "We have to fight?"

"Draw your weapons."

"Draw them?" asked Colette, bemused, "Like, with a crayon?"

"No, dear." sighed Raine as Lloyd and the others plunged into a vicious battle. "Just go lie down or something."

They fought.

They won.

Hooray.

"I am impressed. Now swear you vow, a vow on which we can base our contract." stated Undine, deciding to be nice because it was clear Sheena was either a total summoning noob or something traumatic and plot-related had happened to her.

"Right now, at this very moment, people are suffering." stated Sheena, "I vow to save those people!"

Wow, Sheena's got a pretty big workload ahead of her. Does that mean she'll go right assisting everyone with stubbed toes and stuff, too? (Somewhere far away, a million Sheena fanboys will start injuring themselves on purpose.)

"Wow, Sheena, that was awesome!" cried Genis.

"Yeah, Sheena, you're amazing!" chirped Colette, "That's my bffl!"

"Ahh, oh stop it." blushed Sheena.

"You have a surprising breadth of knowledge, Kratos." Raine remarked to Kratos.

"I once new somebody who was obsessed with summon spirit." shrugged Kratos.

Ahh, Raine. Always so passively suspicious.

* * *

And just like that, they were back at the Lake.

"Alright! Time to go see the unicorn!" celebrated Lloyd, "Let's call out Undine!"

"That's not going to work." replied Kratos, "Only pure maidens can see the unicorn. At the very least, you me and Genis are out."

"Kratos! Genis is only twelve!" grinned Lloyd, "I'm sure he can probably go see-"

"Shut up Lloyd!" screeched Genis.

"Anyway, let's send the Professor and Colette." shrugged Kratos, ignoring Lloyd, who was holding Genis away from him with one hand and laughing at how pathetic his friend was.

"I can't." mumbled Raine, "Colette can go by herself."

"Hey! Why are you all assuming I can't go!" fumed Sheena, embarrassed.

"Well, you do let your bra show." admitted Lloyd.

"It's not a bra!" Sheena yelled, going purple, "It's an undershirt!"

"Really?"

"They don't make them this low..." Sheena muttered.

"Oh. But why can't the professor go?" added Lloyd, frowning.

"Um...I just ate." answered Raine. Evasiveness, thy name is...er, Raine.

"Just send Sheena and the Chosen!" snapped Kratos, getting impatient. "God, do I have to direct EVERYTHING around here!"

"Whatever, I'm summoning her now." Sheena sighed. "Ahem. I summon thee, Maiden of the Mist! Undine! Please take us to the unicorn."

Undine nodded, and Colette and Sheena went skating over the surface of the water. The unicorn magically woke up at that precise moment, and surfaced.

"...Martel?" asked the unicorn, coming close. And I couldn't help noticing that the unicorn had a nicely straightened mane for something that's been lying underneath a lake for god knows how long, but never mind that.

"Martel? No, this is Colette and I'm Sheena." replied Sheena, confused, as Colette smiled and started patting the unicorn, nearly impaling her hand on its horn.

"Well, Martel wasn't an idiot." sighed the unicorn, "But this sickness...I live to cure Martel's sickness. This girl has the same sickness."

"What? Colette has AIDS?" cried Sheena, shocked.

"...No." the unicorn said, staring at Sheena a bit. "Anyway, but this must be the Chosen of Mana. I know that for some reason. Here..."

And to Colette's delight, the unicorn's horn started to glow. But then it started to fade.

"Hey! What's wrong?!" asked Sheena, panicking.

"...Our horns are our very lives...use it well."

"But, you'll die!" Sheena cried, upset.

"Do not be sad. I was going to off myself out of sheer boredom anyway, and when a unicorn dies, another is born in its place. So we just keep coming back. Bye."

Sheena and Colette went back to the shore, looking all depressed.

"The unicorn died..." said Colette, sadly. "It gave us its horn."

"Yes, we know." Kratos said, indifferent as usual.

"You knew?!" Sheena gasped. "Cold-hearted!"

"One will be born in its place," said Raine, placidly, as she stared with fascination at the horn. Shut up, you perverts. "That's why the unicorn is one of the many mythical beings that die and come back. TO THE TOWER OF MANA!"

* * *

Raine went rushing up the stairs at insane speeds to attach herself to the wall. Everyone else followed at a much slower pace.

"Look at this marvellous pillar!" gushed Raine, a maniacal gleam in her eye, "Look at this wonderful path!"

Genis sighed. She was completely off her head. Any minute now and she would start kissing the wall.

"But there's no whatchmacallit stone." noted Lloyd, observant for once. "Let's see if I can open the door!"

He failed. Why is it that whenever it's necessary to go somewhere in a game, you always have to go on a long, pointless search for the key that only has one use, then go in a big building full of annoying theme-music and very irritating monsters? Bleh.

"Well, there's no point in staying here." Kratos noted, deadpan, "We must look for a key."

"That shouldn't be too difficult. With our luck, one will probably just magically turn up." noted Sheena.

"Raine, we've leaving." Genis told Raine, who was already examining the magical lock on the door with a magnifying glass she pulled out of absolutely nowhere. "NOW."

"Couldn't we just break the door down or smash a window?" asked Lloyd, always up for a bit of mindless destruction.

"...No."

"PLOTHOLE 12!" cried Plothole girl, jumping out of a random tree. She was just happy to be there, because there weren't any plotholes in the previous chapter. Kratos just shook his head.

"Just be quiet and tell us where the key is."

"Oh. Hima."

"Then let's head there." Kratos said smoothly, taking off and ignoring Raine's howls of misery that she had to be pried away from another fabulous ruin.

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again." Lloyd grumbled to Genis. "Your sister needs professional help."

Genis wondered if it was possible to disown himself.

* * *

Ahh, plothole girl. Anyway, go ahead and review! Click that button right thar! You know you want to press it!

Okay, I'll be quiet now. :P


	14. A disturbance in the nipples!

Hey thar guys! Well, playing the game got me a LOT more material, so decided to slip in this in before Xmas! I hope you all have a good one.

To freakyanimegal: Oh? You really didn't laugh all that much? Hmm...I guess my humor was a bit more fact-based in the last chapter, rather then just being weird. Hopefully, this chapter is better!

To kbbaby 2123: I'm really glad you like plothole girl! She's getting quite a few fans now.  
Plothole girl: Theme-music, huh? Hmmm....

Quiet, plothole girl! I don't care how popular you're getting, I'm a writer, not a conductor!

Plothole girl: Boo, you suck!

Thanks to everyone for all your wonderful reviews! And this chapter is dedicated to AzazerLikt, for being my personal grammar-nazi and for putting up with me hitting him with various cooking utensils. Though, you _did_ ask for it, you know.

I'll shut up now. ENJOY!

* * *

And so the group went shimmying off to Hima. Yes, even Kratos.

"There seems to be a commotion in front of the inn." noted Genis. How subtle of Namco.

Three bounty hunters had surrounded Clara, while everyone else in the village were just standing there, like they got mutated cucumbers in their villages every day or something.

"All right! Let's finish it!" announced the guy with a sword. (Let's call him Steve.)

"No! Clara!" cried Colette. Clara went rushing into Colette, who in turn went bouncing into Raine, who was sent flying. And everybody else STILL stood around and watched, like a bunch of magazines.

...Sorry, that didn't make any sense.

"Colette! Professor! Are you hurt?" Lloyd wanted to know.

"Damn! Come on!" growled Steve, and they went racing off after Clara.

"She dropped this." noted Genis, picking up a key.

"...That's the key to the tower of mana," said Sheena, in surprise. "Just why was Clara...carrying around a key? Surely a key to a tower must have been guarded or something?"

"Plothole 13!" giggled Plothole girl, appearing suddenly next to Lloyd. Then Plothole girl scowled. "Hey! Why don't I get any theme-music? Damn you, narrator!"

"...Narrator?" Lloyd asked, dumbfounded.

"Um...never mind! Bye!"

And Plothole girl disappeared in poof of smoke.

"You know, now that I summoned Undine and we didn't all get killed, maybe I should collect the Summon Spirits from this world." noted Sheena, "Just if you feel like side-questing!"

"Yay! Cool!" cheered Lloyd. And Colette was all for it so she didn't have to lose another human-related...thing again. And Raine just liked ruins, so they cut off to go to Triet!

* * *

"Remind me why this is more important then regenerating the world." grumbled Kratos, as they entered the ruin once again.

"Um...because it is!" supplied Lloyd.

Efreet, as it turned out once the group went to the altar, seemed to be a badly-burnt body builder with no legs.

"You who possess the right of the pact." rumbled Efreet, "I am one who is bound to Mithos-"

Lloyd sniggered.

"I-I am Sheena!" Sheena stuttered, "I ask that thou annulst thy pact with Mithos, and establish a new pact with me!"

"Then you must defeat me!"

And so they fought. And Efreet wasn't that much tougher then Undine, except he did that throat-grabby thing that Ganondorf does in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, which was a complete pain in the butt for Lloyd, since he was the one who had to be in the front lines.

"OW!" cried Lloyd, "I wish I had a Master Sword right about now!"

"...Master sword?" asked Genis, "What's that?"

Lloyd blinked.

"I...DON'T know."

"You kicked my ass, I guess." grumbled Efreet, "Very well. Speak yo vow."

"Right now, peoplez r sufferin." Sheena stated, "I vow to save teh people!"

"That's a pretty open-ended vow." remarked Genis. Raine elbowed him in the ribs and he shut up.

And Efreet turned into a ball of red glowy light, which was absorbed by Sheena.

"That was so cool, Sheena!" Lloyd crowed, "I wish I could fry people into toast and say shit like, 'Buuurn to oblivion'!"

"Somehow, it just doesn't work when you say it..." murmured Genis.

"Can we LEAVE now?" prompted Kratos, ever impatient; "Some of us have things to do! Like regenerate the world!"  
On the way back, though, Lloyd decided to explore in the maintenance passage Sheena fell down.

"Hmm... This thing isn't attacking!" Lloyd said, pointing at an enemy at the end of the tunnel.

"Let's try talking to it!" Colette prompted, "Maybe it's lonely?"

So they talked to it, and a skull with a speech impediment asked to battle them. Which was a nice change from all the enemies who either just run straight into you or the Desians who scream "Prepare to die!" all the time. And while the skull didn't exactly say, "Excuse me, hate to be a bother, but would you mind awfully if you kicked my ass?", it was still refreshing.

"What a weird enemy." noted Lloyd, after delivering the finishing blow.

"Polite, too." added Colette, happily, "I knew he was lonely!"

"Yeah, I'm sure all enemies just fight you because they have behaviour issues." muttered Genis. "Not because they just want you to die or anything."

Raine shook her head.

"Oh, Genis, you're so pessimistic. I've raised you well."

* * *

Skipping back to the Tower of Mana, they opened it, and Raine went rushing inside, chortling hysterically as usual. Everyone else trooped in, with Lloyd looking almost as apathetic as Kratos.

"Huh...weird resemblance." noted Sheena, clocking their deadpan expressions.

There were quite a lot of books. And Raine was having an epileptic fit over them, as per usual, when she noticed the Oracle Stone.

"Oh? An Oracle stone? COLETTE!" Raine ordered, excited.

"Yes, Professor."

Flapping her hand on the thingamajig, the blue circles on the floor began to glow.

"Genis! Lloyd! Get on the circles!" demanded Raine, in a psychotic frenzy. The door opened.

"...Is Raine schizophrenic?" Sheena muttered to Genis.

"Yeah. She's nuts." agreed Genis. "Now you see why I have so many issues?"

"Lookit! It worked, Professor!" grinned Lloyd, overexcited as usual. Like a chipmunk on speed.

"Looks like three of us will have to stay here." Kratos said. Yeah, thanks for stating the obvious again Kratos. He was just determined to get this over with, psychos and idiots or no. "Lloyd, pick somebody- me- to go with you and the Chosen."

"Okay, Kratos." Lloyd picked, because his brain is dense enough to absorb subliminal messages.

Once they went through the door, Colette was instantly excited to see random ghosts and possessed teddy bears running about.

"ZOMG TEDDY!" Colette squealed, hugging the teddy, which promptly tried to stab her in the neck, "I shall call you squishy and you shall be mine! You shall be my squishy!"

"Was she born retarded or did she just catch it from you?" Kratos demanded as he destroyed the 'Teddy', ignoring Colette howling in misery. Lloyd shrugged.

"Duh...I'm hungry..."

"Thought so." muttered Kratos, deciding that he should just knock them both unconscious and drag them upstairs himself. And he did just that.

"Idiots."

* * *

"Okay, let's go!" announced Sheena, wondering if she should just leave Raine behind, since the half- I mean, elf, was very happy just reading all the books. But they went ahead anyway.

"How come we get the harder puzzles?" grumbled Genis.

Said puzzles consisted of burning curtains and lighting up balls of light. Rebel. After the puzzle was finished, a big shiny bridge popped up on the balcony above.

"SHINY!" screamed Colette, immediately trying to touched the bridge, but she fell over.

"Ow." Colette whined.

"You're so clumsy, Colette." sighed Lloyd. "Maybe you should announce it on a website profile."

**If you've ever tripped up the stairs/fallen over your own feet/caught something and then dropped it and feel the need to advertise your own stupidity, copy and paste this on your profile!!1!**"Wow! Great idea, Lloyd!" chirped Colette, because she thought everything Lloyd said was poking a bunch of random platforms and such, the party was reunited. I skipped the reuniting bit because it is STUPID and POINTLESS. A bit like infomercials at 4:00am.

And my life. That is also quite pointless.

"We're finally at the altar!" said Lloyd, like we needed reminding, "Why are dungeons so immensely boring?"

"Being you drink too much coffee." Kratos shrugged. Then light suddenly began to glow from the seal, and the screen wobbled a bit.

"My nipples are detecting mana swelling up!" Genis cried. Raine gave him a weird look, but before she could smack him, the battle had begun.

The fight was against a big blue horse/wolf type thing. It was a frickin' cool monster.

And then the monster was owned, and steam began to pour out from the altar, along with some glowing gold light and shizz. Colette flew up to go talk to Remiel.

"...Where is Aska?"

"WTF?!" cried Lloyd and Genis, as a blonde chick on a moon suddenly appeared.

"Father?" Colette asked, baffled, "Did you get a sex change?"

"...Where is Aska?" repeated Luna, choosing not to answer this, "Without Aska, I suck. I cannot form a pact or vow...please find Aska for me..."

With that, Luna vanished again. What a useful appearance it was too!

Anyway, Remiel descended from on high.

"You have nearly reached the end of your journey." droned Rem, "I hereby grant you more Angel Powerz. Finally you will hurry up and become an Angel, like me, and probably become indifferent and androgynous too. Do not disappoint me..."

"Thank you, Father." Colette returned, blankly, and Remial vanished.

_Colette learned 'Sacrifice'! Could Namco BE any more foreshadowing?_

Outside, Colette 'collapsed', and by collapsed, I mean she just calmly sat down.

"Professor, it's the Angel Toxicosis..." began Lloyd.

"Okay, camp again then." shrugged Raine.

"...?" Colette tried to say.

"What is it, Colette?" Lloyd asked, as Colette grasped at her throat.

"...!" Colette wheezed.

"It would appear she's lost her voice." Kratos intoned, "Either that or suddenly got Spastic Laryngitis."

"Colette can't talk? Alright!" cheered Genis, "No more stupid apologies!"

"Genis!" Lloyd snapped. He was just mad he didn't say it first.

* * *

Anyway, at camp, Sheena suddenly stood up.

"Everyone, I have somethin' to say." began Sheena. "I want to explain why I was trying to assassinate the Chosen."

"Because she's annoying?" guessed Genis.

"All right, tell us about your homeland. A fantasy land where Desians don't exist, rich people are jerks and half-elves get treated like cattle." replied Raine.

"You knew?!" gasped Sheena.

"No. But I'm the only person here besides Kratos who actually exercises a little thing called 'memory'. You said that Sylvarant would be saved. That must mean you aren't from here."

"Yeah. It's really a shame you spend most of your time decoding retard-speak." agreed Sheena. "Anyway. My homeland is Tethe'alla. It's a hidden world that lies directly adjacent to Slyvarant. They just don't know the other exists, but they still affect each other. They vie for the supply of mana."

"Whoa! What?" cried Lloyd, already freaking out.

"Yeah. It's like an hourglass. When one world flourishes, the other declines." explained Sheena. "I somehow broke through the dimensional rift for the sake of protecting Tethe'alla."

Lloyd stood up dramatically.

"To ensure the destruction of Sylvarant?" he demanded, finally putting two and two together. Genis started a slow clap.

"Yes, but...this world is impoverished and there's no technology! I can't just abandon Tethe'alla, but I can't ignore this world either. I don't know what to do." Sheena mumbled, torn.

"It's hard for me to believe all this." Raine argued, "Since I'm the most cynical person on the planet."

"I'm the proof," said Sheena, simply. "Nobody on this world can summon...and I actually understand how most machines here work without being a scholar. But if you complete regenerating the world, Tethe'alla will turn into a backwards hick-world!"

Colette then decided to grab Lloyd's palm and starting doodling on it. How Lloyd could tell what she was writing through that thick glove, I don't know...

"Colette! That's so pathetically sweet! You're trying to spell something!" Lloyd figured out, "R...E...M...I'll...ask...Remiel...to...save...both...worlds...and...I...will...write...very...slowly..."

"Yeah, if that doesn't work out, I may have to kill you anyway." deadpanned Sheena, as Colette gave her a wounded look. Like an owl. "But isn't there any other way to save the world?"

"Have you considered nothing that convenient exists in the real world?" demanded Raine, despite the fact...well, Sheena just gave her pretty clear evidence that she IS from Tethe'alla...

Raine earned title of, 'Scepticism knows no limits!""I understand." Sheena mumbled to Colette, "You intend to become an Angel even if people give you clear evidence against it, don't you?"

* * *

Next day, the group took a quick detour off to the Balacruf Mausoleum to go and get Sylph. As it turned out, Sylph turned out to be three fairies in bodysuits and neon-bright wings. The fight as a massive pain in the butt, but they managed to win. And for a prize, they won some Rosemary, Sage and Thyme, which could for some reason boost your attack/defence.

Whatever.

"Okay, let's go save Pietro!" announced Lloyd, "Hopefully, we won't get interrupted this time!"

Entering the inn, the party trekked up to Pietro's room.

"Everyone! The technique!" Sophia cried, upon entry, because apparently that's all she can think about.

"No, Kvar…don't…touch…me…there…" mumbled Pietro from the bed.

"Stand back and watch me go!" Raine ordered everyone, deciding to show off. "LOL RESSURECCTION!"

"W-where am I?" stammered Pietro, standing up, "I was having traumatic nightmares about my time at the ranch…I'll probably write an angsty biography about it…"

"If you want to thank anybody, thank Raine." Said Sheena, modest. "She healed you."

"Thanks so much! I had a message to give to the Chosen…"

"She's there." Genis sighed, pointing. Colette grinned, stupidly.

"The Desians are evil and they're trying to revive something called the Mana Cannon!" blurted out Pietro.

"Relax, we've already beaten Kvar." Replied Genis, smugly. "There's no way the Mana Cannon will appear again any time soon. And now we've got the Unicorn Horn, we can save Clara."

"Are you sure about that?" asked Raine, suspiciousness kicking in once again. "It sounds too far-fetched and troublesome to not be a plot-point."

"Yeah, but we shouldn't waste time pondering about it now." Answered Kratos, like he could think of a better time to think about weapons of mass destruction.

"Kratos, did you just say 'Yeah'?" Lloyd asked, "As in, you saying something INFORMAL?"

"Shut up. And I'm sure we can save that poor woman, when we have time." added Kratos, smoothly. Like custard.

...My similes suck today, huh? Anyhow.

So off the group ran to go look at the Tower of Salvation, because Raine had the foresight to see that a method of getting there would probably result in more convenience.

And sho 'nuff;

"Hey, have you guys ever wanted to get close and personal to the tower?" greeted some guy with overalls and an Afro.

"Wow! How did you know?" cried Lloyd.

"My dragon tours can get you right up to the Tower of Salvation! And just for the low, low price of 6,000 gald for three dragons!"

"Oh. That's too bad. World regeneration won't be complete if we can't get there." mentioned Raine, oh-so-casually.

"WHAT?! That blonde girl is the Chosen? Put that money away! Please, freeload off me and take my dragons, I beg of you!"

Ahh, discounts. How useful they are. So, after the group booked their flights to the tower, they went off back to Hima.

"Let's split up for the night. But don't go outside the village." instructed Raine to everyone.

"How is that splitting up?" Genis asked her, raising his eyebrows.

Genis was rewarded a close-up of Raine's palm. Again.

Genis obtained the title of, "You just don't know when to keep your mouth shut!"

So the group split off, leaving Lloyd to listen to everybody's woes. Like we really need to, but whatever. I am skipping this bit, because it's just basically REPEATING the fact that Colette is going to become an 'Angel'. YES, WE KNOW.

"I'm sorry I didn't make your present in time, Colette..." mumbled Lloyd. "Once we get to the Tower, you'll probably be too busy floating around doing...Angel things."

Colette shook her head and began doodling on Lloyd's palm again.

"'It's my last night, but yet I can't speak. I know that's weird'." read Lloyd, staring, "You dumbass. Even if you become an apathetic Angel...even if you turn into the scaly lizard-thing...I won't ever think you're weird. Though, you do have apology issues..."

Colette carried on writing,

"'I will wait forever...for my present...even if I become an Angel...'" Lloyd repeated, "Wait forever? WTF? You're turning into an Angel and all you can think about is cheap jewellery?! Doesn't it scare you that you're gonna turn into a different species?"

Colette wrote so much on Lloyd's hand she ran out of room.

"...'Truth is, I'm a little scared. But when I think about it, it's like my entire life is spreading out to fill the world. When I think like that, I'm okay. But shiny things will distract me...'"

And if that isn't sacrificial imagery, I don't know what is.

"Okay! I get the point! I'll make your necklace...but are you sure you wanna do this?" pressed Lloyd, even though he's asked her, like, ninety times so far. He might as well just get a chair, bright light, and repeat in Colette's face, "ARE YOU SURE? ARE YOU SURE? ARE YOU SURE?"

Colette nodded, looking all sad and vulnerable.

"Brr... It's chilly out. Let's go back to the inn. Oh, wait, you can't feel it can you? Aha, whoops..." laughed Lloyd, awkwardly.

Colette stared.

"Yeah...bye..." Lloyd said, and then ran away.

_Lloyd achieved the title, "I R UBER CHEAPSKATE!"_


	15. Betrayal! And some shemales!

Whoo. Finally, we're getting to one of the big turning-points of the game! I seriously can't believe how long I've been doing this fic. Or that it's taken me so long to get this far, but shutup.

Just as an FYI, I've set up a poll to decide to outcome of the fic. (Aka: Who Lloyd cops off with in the end.) So, please make sure to vote, or I may just have to murder you all slightly. Especially since January/February makes me a bit homicidal.

Enjoy!

* * *

Back at the inn, Lloyd was lying casually on the floor like he usually does rather then sleeping. Then he suddenly heard the door squeaking.

"That was Kratos! I think I'll follow him because I'm creepy like that!" announced Lloyd, who likes to talk to himself. Going outside, Kratos was having another one of his conversations with Noishe.

"You'll have to look after Lloyd for me." Kratos was saying, seriously, "And please, when we're out in public, stop licking your-"

Just then, a very familiar-looking person warped noisily next to Kratos. How Kratos didn't notice this, considered that VWEEEN noise that happens whenever somebody teleports was pretty loud. Maybe Kratos was having an early-morning spliff or something.

"HAY Kratos, look out!" hollered Lloyd. Kratos suddenly turned and decided to gut the intruder.

"URGH!" cried ???, with blue hair, and vanished.

"Lloyd. Thank you." Kratos said, putting his sword away. Eh, I'm too lazy to make my wording less sexual.

"Jeez, you'd think that guy would have died, or something." Lloyd grumbled, annoyed at missing out on potential disembowelling. Kratos was now staring at Lloyd.

"Lloyd."

"Hmm? What?"

"Don't die."

Lloyd stared at Kratos with a WTF expression. With the bug-eyes and everything.

"What the...where the hell did that come from?"

"Dun worry about it." replied Kratos, all gansta. Then he casually strolled off, as though he hadn't just said something completely random and out of character. Lloyd was left standing there. He then noticed a random glowing thing on the floor.

"What the? What assassin drops a ring?" He turned to Noishe, still thinking of Kratos. And ew, no, not like that.

"What the HELL has he been smoking?!" demanded Lloyd.

"Hhhhnnnnn." whined Noishe.

* * *

Next morning, it was time to ride some carnivorous animals to a big tower with the possibility of not returning! Fun stuff!

"So, three dragons for the six of us." Sheena noted, counting.

"I will ride with the Chosen." Kratos said, ignoring Raine shooting him a suspicious look. "Protecting her...is my job."

"Lloyd, who do you want to ride with?" Genis asked. Lloyd thought about it.

"Kratos!"

"I'm riding with the Chosen, remember?" Kratos butted in, annoyed. Raine rolled her eyes.

"Okay, Colette!"

"YOU CAN'T GO WITH COLETTE, REMEMBER?" Raine yelled, frustrated that she had to spend all her time with an uppity mercenary and moronic teenagers. Lloyd thought about it again.

"Um...Noishe?"

"I officially refuse to ride with Lloyd." declared Genis, "I might catch his stupid."

"I concur." Raine muttered, rubbing at her temples.

"Let's go then, Sheena!" grinned Lloyd, oblivious to Genis and Raine's uppityness.

"Yeah, fine."

And so they positioned themselves on the Dragon. This part of the game was another bit where I was expecting a monster to pop up and nothing happened. Ah well.

"Soon, Sylvarant will be saved." Sheena deadpanned. "And Tethe'alla is facing a world-wide credit crunch."

"Please trust Colette!" Lloyd assured Sheena. "I mean, you've only known her for about five minutes, but..."

"Yes...I should trust the Chosen." agreed Sheena. "Let's go!"

* * *

Inside the Tower, the foursome suddenly noticed a load of coffins.

"Wh...What are these?" Lloyd asked, staring.

"They might be..." began Raine, grimly, "All the bodies of the Chosen that failed up until now..."

But, that doesn't make sense...I mean, later on in the game and in a couple of skits, it says Colette's the seventh or so Chosen to start a Journey of Regeneration. So...where the hell do all these other bodies come into it? Even IF Tethe'alla had a lot of failure Chosen, they couldn't have amount to THAT many.

"Plothole 14!" cried Plothole girl, jumping out of absolutely nowhere.

"Hey, wait, how did you get over here?!" demanded Lloyd, "How do you always show up where we are?"

"I'm special." grinned Plothole girl.

"Yes you are." agreed Lloyd. Plothole girl shrugged, embarrassed,

"Bye now!"

"...Okay."

On the inside of the Tower, Colette was kneeling on the altar, as usual.

"Now, my daughter. It is time for you to do the final part of this transformation! The sacrifice of your heart and memory!" announced Remial, his voice sounding much deeper then usual, for some reason. Not to mention pretty constipated, if you ask me.

Not that anybody does, but still!

"W...what?!" Lloyd gasped, upon hearing this prior statement. "Sacrifice her heart and memory?"

"You mean Colette's going to forget about us?" Genis questioned, shocked.

DUH, _GENIUS_, THAT'S WHAT A MEMORY IS!

"Colette!" Lloyd yelled, about to dash forward.

Genis used 12-year-old restraining power!

"Genis! Not now!" Lloyd complained.

Lloyd was bound by 12-year-old restraining power!

"I don't want anything to happen to her, either, but we can't just let everyone die!" Genis protested, making much more sense then the emotional Lloyd.

But Genis' has about the same amount of upper-body strength as a sparrow, so that didn't last long.

Lloyd was freed from Genis' restraining!

"Remial!" called Lloyd, trying not to look up Remial's dress lest he wanted to be very scarred for a very long time, "Colette's your daughter! Surely you don't want her to die either!"

"I do want her to die, and don't call me Shirley." quipped Remial. "Stupid inferior beings! The death one person will save the world! So, you know, we should get on with it."

"Lord Remial." Raine said calmly, wondering how long it would be before Lloyd burst a blood vessel. "We have heard a parallel world called Tethe'alla is opposite Sylvarant."

"Who told you that?" demanded Remial. Sheena looked away and started whistling, because Remial's voice creeped her out.

"COLETTE!" shrieked Lloyd, for about the fourteenth time so far.

Suddenly, he could somehow hear Colette's voice.

"Lloyd, it's okay! I realised what was going on!" Colette assured him, making the scene incredibly cheesy once again, "Thank you for helping me live out these sixteen years, blah blah blah. Goodbye!"

And Colette floated upwards, her eyes going all red and demonic.

_Colette earned the title, "Suicidal virgin!"_

"MWAHAHAHA!" cackled Remial; "I did it! Cruxis will totally let me in their gang now! Now piss off, you tag-alongs!"

"OMG! YOU BASTARD!" raged Lloyd, and a battle commenced.

Remial was a piece of cake. Angel cake. AHAHAHAHA.

Yeah, that was awful. Leave me alone.

"Well, we'll be taking Colette now." Kratos remarked, popping up out of a random hole in the floor.

"Kratos! Where the mustard have YOU been?" Lloyd shouted, emotional reaction to the extreme. I mean, hasn't the fact people WANT Colette to die sunk in yet? "And what do you mean? Who are you? What's that thing called under your nose?"

"I am one of the Four Seraphim." Kratos replied, his Cruxis Crystal flashing, prettyful blue wings sprouting from his back.

You have to admit it, though; it would have been hilarious if Kratos had pretty pink-and-purple wings like everyone else. But no, he doesn't, because Kratos is MANLY and SPECIAL and probably has an entourage of fangirls he could probably use as a stampede.

"You'll pay for this! You deceived us!"

And so ANOTHER battle began, with Kratos spamming attacks to a ridiculous level.

"Lightning bla-SUPER LIGHTNING BLADE! LIGHT SPEAR! GRAVE! THUNDER BLADE!" Kratos called, hitting Lloyd over and over with said attacks.

"OW, GOD, WHY?!" screeched Genis, receiving the brunt of one of these attacks.

Anyway, they won, albeit bleeding and dying somewhat. Suddenly, a shemale popped up in front of Lloyd.

"Hey, a cross-dresser!" Lloyd said, distracted.

"Another Angel? Another gay one?" added Sheena.

Somehow, a sword popped up and the sheer WAVES of MAGIC managed to knock Lloyd into a pillar, which Lloyd broke. A pillar made of stone. And somehow, Lloyd's spine didn't shatter in fourteen different places. He must have had a magical sammich or something.

Then, the Renegades suddenly showed up, because people were just arriving out of nowhere a lot nowadays. And the entire party was magically rescued.

"Oh. Well, that's a bit annoying." Yggdrasill noted, bored. "Fucking Renegades. Kratos, let us leave. I demand you brush my hair while we gossip about how I am much prettier then everyone else."

"Joy." grumbled Kratos. Yggdrasill disappeared in a big ball of gold light. "Saved by the Deus Ex Machina...don't die, Lloyd."

* * *

"You're finally awake!" cried Genis, as Lloyd sat up.

"Guys! Where are we?" Lloyd said, remembering the whole betrayal business. "How's Colette?"

"Colette! Your ass looks fat!" Sheena shouted.

Colette just stood there with a blank look on her face. So nobody probably noticed any difference, besides the demonic red eyes.

"She doesn't respond to anything we say." Sheena sighed.

"Lloyd, do you remember this place?" prompted Raine, "This is the base where you were captured before."

"I'd remember this repetitive theme music anywhere." agreed Lloyd. "Damned Desians!"

"These guys aren't Desians. They are people who try to vaguely copy the Desians called Renegades." explained Raine, "They seem to oppose Cruxis. They probably have some reason for trying to look like a bunch of bondage fetishists with a superiority complex."

"Wait, so you're saying, these guys are Renegades and not Desians?" repeated Lloyd.

"THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID, DUMBASS!" Raine yelled, smacking Lloyd upside of the head, "Martel's sake!"

"I remember one of the Desians said that their boss was Lord Yggdrasill." noted Genis, as if this made any difference to what Raine just said. "So it looks like Cruxis and the Desians are really the same organisation!"

"So, what about Kratos?" asked Lloyd, scowling as he said Kratos' name. A trend that would pretty much continue now whenever Kratos pops up in the conversation.

"He's our enemy! He deceived us!" Sheena growled. "He even admitted it! He's one of Cruxis' four Seraphim."

"Kratos was likely sent down to sheepdog Colette so she didn't stray from the Journey of Regeneration." Raine noted. "He did a pretty bad job of it as well."

Anyway, just then a Renegade popped up and dragged them off to see Yuan.

"We're the Renegades. We're an underground organisation dedicated to giving Cruxis the finger." explained Yuan, surly as usual. "And most of us walk around with egos the size of blimps."

"But you tried to kill Colette and me!" Lloyd put in, angry. "You're totally not on our side!"

"The Chosen was going to be Martel's vessel, which we were trying to stop. Therefore, she was a huge obstacle. Oh yeah, and Yggdrasill created the way Tethe'alla and Sylvarant compete for mana." replied Yuan, eyes clouding over mysteriously as he talked about Martel.

"No freaking' way!" gasped Genis and Sheena at this totally random and weird claim.

"They arrange for the Chosen to be born to be Martel's vessel." speculated Raine, who was secretly pleased about getting into an intellectual conversation for once. "It seems meaninglessly drawn out."

"Well, well. I completely have the hots for you." Botta practically salivated.

_Raine gained the title, "Knowledge is sexy!"_

"But now, we don't need the Chosen!" interrupted Yuan, "What we need is you, Lloyd Irving!"

"Me? I just came along on this journey for the ride!" Lloyd protested, "Seriously, ew!"

"Lloyd! What are you doing?" Sheena yelled. Lloyd forgot about Yuan's strange obsession with him and ran off. Sheena summoned Corrine and escaped as well. The Renegades all stared down at Corrine.

Corrine sweatdropped.

"Ah, shi-"

* * *

And for some reason, despite the fact they were supposedly trying to escape from the Renegades, there was just enough time to do another GODDAMN puzzle pushing blocks around and flipping switches. And they didn't get re-captured for some reason.

"Jeez, why does Yuan have the hots for me?" complained Lloyd, "Could the Renegades be anymore indecisive?"

"Sheena, where did you get your exsphere?" Raine suddenly demanded.

"WTF, Raine?" Sheena said, confused. "That came out of nowhere! I got it at the Imperial Research Academy. The Renegades introduced the technology and convinced everyone in Tethe'alla to hate Colette's guts."

"So, Tethe'alla is sided with the Renegades?" demanded Lloyd. Sheena gave him a look.

"Thanks for that sweeping generalisation, Lloyd."

"I think we should go to Tethe'alla." Raine proposed, as though she had just suggested a sandwich filling or something.

"Why Thethe'alla?" Genis inquired, snotty. Like the group had a whole variety of world's they could just fly on over to and Raine had picked the most boring of them all. WHERE ELSE, GENIUS?!

"Their expertise on Exsphere's should be able to cure Colette." explained Raine, wondering if Genis landed on his head back in the Tower of Salvation. "And there is no way I'm missing out on more fabulous technology!"

"I see!" Lloyd burst out, "So Colette's current condition is caused by the Cruxis Crystal! Wow, that was a tongue twister!"

"Can we please concentrate here!" Sheena complained, irritated. "Jeez, you guys. Anyway, if we're going to Tethe'alla, we need to go get us some Rheaird's, because they can pass through dimensions for no apparent reason."

"Awesome! More excuse skipping school and killing stuff! Oh, and save Colette." added Lloyd, the last bit being an afterthought.

So after that VERY LONG conversation for people who are apparent being chased, they stumbled upon the Rheaird hanger.

"Quick! They're gaining on us!" Sheena shouted, even though there were no Renegades in sight. Whatever. They were probably still kicking Corrine.

"Okay! Tethe'alla, here we come!" cried Lloyd. The engine then started up, and they just kinda flew off into the sky.

"Um, Lloyd?" Called Genis, after about five seconds of being in Tethe'alla.

"What?!" Lloyd yelled back.

"We're out of fuel!"

"WHAT?!"

"Since you guys broke the seals in Sylvarant, there's no enough mana in this world!" Sheena gasped.

"Which means?!" Genis hollered over.

"What do you think it means?! WE'RE GONNA FRICKIN DIE!!"

...Just kidding.

* * *

So, reviews for a sick-of-freaking-winter author would be VERY much appreciated!


	16. Noishe, I don't think we're in Kansas

Aloha readers!

Wow, it's been snowing a LOT lately. I'm getting quite bored with it, actually. I wish it was spring. (No, that has nothing to do with the fic. Ssh.) In this chapter, Zelos is finally introduced! Someone to unload all my pervy jokes on! Heheh.

Oh, and please keep voting on the poll, as right now there's a tie in options. (I'm surprised that my joke option has the amount of votes it does...but if it actually wins, that would be pretty cool!)

Enjoy!

* * *

"Well, I think we managed to avoid dying..." Lloyd panted, the crushed pieces of metal previously called Rheairds all lying around, which they will probably stay until the END OF TIME.

"They've run out of fuel." Sheena noted, "We'll have to recharge them before we can move them again."

"What's the fuel? Coal?" asked Lloyd, who was simplistic.

"Coal? How the hell do you guys manage to survive in Sylvarant?!" Sheena grumbled.

"Then magic, I assume." chipped in Raine, realising she was probably the only remaining person besides Sheena with a brain. "So it's probably Volt's-"

"VOLT? OMG NO! NOT VOLT!" shrieked Sheena, suddenly going into the foetal position.

"Um...yeah, well, we're not really going to get anywhere by bitching about it here." Lloyd said, staring in confusion at Sheena. And then he was distracted. "Hey, look, it's the Tower of Salvation!"

"Well, yeah. This is the flourishing world. And we have the Holy Ground of Kharlan too." Sheena said, getting over her little episode. "We have proof of the peace documents being signed in Meltokio. Which is where the King is and stuff."

"What? The Holy Ground of Kharlan is where Mithos the Hero made people sign a peace treaty!" Genis cried, clearly flabbergasted, which is a ridiculous word. "There can't be two of them! One must be fake!"

"Hmm... Yeah, either they're fake...or they're both...real?" pondered Lloyd.

"Lloyd! THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE!" Genis ground out, practically having a fit.

"Genis, calm down. Sheesh." Lloyd rolled his eyes. "Anyway, let's get going! To Melty Tokyo!"

And so off everyone went down the very narrow mountain, finding an abundance of treasure chests along the way. Colette following them like some kind of demonic hound. When they reached the bottom of the mountain, Lloyd turned to Sheena.

"Uh, by the way, where are we going?"

"WTF?" asked Sheena, "You're the one that said, 'Let's get going!' I thought you knew!"

"I'm from Sylvarant." Lloyd reminded her, blinking.

"Oh, sorry, I had a brain lapse just then. We're going to Meltokio." Sheena explained, "It's north of here. You can't miss it because of its obnoxiously big buildings."

"Awesome! Let's go!" cried Lloyd, again.

_Sheena obtained the title of, "Attention Deficit Ninja!"_

And off they went to Meltokio, once again assisted by their magical wimpy dog. And how in the HELL did Noishe get to Tethe'alla? I sure as hell don't think he somehow knew how to fly a Rheaird. Did Lloyd just shove him into hammer space or something?

"PLOTHOLE 15!" screamed Plothole girl, almost giving Genis a heart-attack when she leapt out of a nearby bush.

"Plothole girl! How did you get here?" demanded Raine.

"I stole a Rheaird when Yuan wasn't looking." improvised Plothole girl, winking. "Anyway, see ya!"

And she vanished. Like candyfloss when you put it in your mouth.

* * *

But upon entering Meltokio, Sheena stopped.

"This is where we part ways." announced Sheena, dramatically.

"What? Why?" asked Lloyd.

"I was supposed to kill the Spawn of Satan over there, remember?" Sheena said, gesturing at red-eyed Colette. "I have to go tell everyone in Mizuho I'm a failure. Again. But I have a letter for the King of Tethe'alla. I wrote down what happened, so he won't kill Colette."

"Why would the King of Tethe'alla listen to you?" asked Raine, stowing away the letter.

"He's afraid of ninjas." shrugged Sheena.

"When did you write all that down, anyway?" chipped in Genis, confused. "Have you been blogging or something?"

"What? No!" blushed Sheena. "I have to go now!"

"Wait! Will we see you again?" asked Lloyd, a bit dramatically.

"Yes, probably." Sheena said, then she turned and walked off, leaving Lloyd singing the chorus of 'We'll meet again' until Genis muffled him with a sandwich.

Entering Meltokio, the Sylvarant simpletons were totally amazed by the amazingness of Meltokio. A dog came bouncing up to them, approaching Colette.

"Wow, they have dogs on this side, too!" commented Genis.

Yeah, mind-blowing. Dogs.

Colette evidently wasn't impressed by the dog either, so she promptly kicked it to another planet.

"WTF, Colette!" Lloyd yelled, shocked. Just then, a man with a serious backcombing issue and a green neckbrace came wondering over.

"Aha! What a violent young woman!" he chuckled, because animal abuse is apparently hysterical, before toddling off again.

"...What the hell was up with that man?" Raine asked, staring.

Couldn't have put it better myself, Raine.

Walking up some steps, everybody suddenly decided to stop and peer around like retards, because they didn't get enough of doing that when they first entered the village. So Colette just went blundering into some random woman.

"Hey, watch where you're going!" she screeched, predictably.

"Yeah, stupid!" piped up another one, with stunning originality

"Settle down, mah darlin' hunnies." drawled the redheaded dude who was with them. "Hey, my cool beauty, are you hurt?"

Colette stared.

"Well!" cried another groupie, as if anything it had to say was relevant, "Master Zelos deigns to speak to this girl, yet look how she stares blankly!"

"Hey! Quit picking on Zombie Colette!" fumed Genis.

"Yeah, who let the dogs out?" asked Lloyd, grinning evilly.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

"You're all behaving like children." Raine said, disgusted. "I mean, you're arguing with a bunch of teenagers."

"Now, now." said Zelos, patronising as ever. "Are you upset, my little demonic angel? I bet you don't look so weird when you smile!"

And Zelos went to apparent try and get Colette to breakdance with him or something, when she decided she'd had quite enough of this shit and flung Zelos about 30 feet away.

"Whoa!" cried Lloyd.

"Wow! You certainly are strong, my little angel! You have world wrestling moves on you!" Zelos cried. Lloyd stared at him.

"Who are you?" he asked, blinking.

"I can't help but notice you aren't drooling over me like I'm a sex object." Zelos added, totally ignoring Genis and Lloyd and approaching Raine, "What's your name, beautiful?"

"Give me your name and I'll give you mine." replied Raine.

"Hey! You copied Lloyd!" shouted Genis, redundantly.

"Oh, my, I haven't done you yet?" Zelos mused, "Well, it looks like my mission in life to screw everything in a skirt still has a ways to go! Goodbye, my future lovers!"

With that, he drifted off with his hoes.

"Oh my god! What a loser! Why are women throwing themselves at him like confetti?" seethed Genis, "He looks like a chick!"

"And you don't?" asked Lloyd. Genis glared at him.

"He had an exsphere on him." mentioned Raine, frowning. And with that plot-device mention, off they went to try and get into the castle.

* * *

"Hi! We're here to see the king!" greeted Lloyd.

"No. The King is sick and doesn't want to talk to morons. Go away." replied the guard.

"Well, I'm out of ideas." Lloyd shrugged.

"Let's go to the Church for no apparent reason." suggested Raine, and they did just that. Inside, they decided to just go over and chat to a priest, which is what people like to do in times of stress.

"Yes, we're going to perform prayers so the King gets better." the Priest said, "Which is basically just a way of sitting around on our asses until he gets better to make it look like we're doing something- Oh, Preseatron. Take that wood inside the castle, won't you?"

The Priest was suddenly distracted by a small pink-haired girl with a vacant expression dragging a log around.

"Yes." Presea intoned, voice as flat as Colette. Apparently, having the emotion of a post was something Genis liked in a woman, because he promptly stared at Presea like there was no tomorrow. Either that or somebody who appears to be the same age as you = INSTA ATTRACTION.

"Yeah, she's cute..." grinned Genis, idiotically.

"He said castle!" whispered Lloyd, "Let's tag along with that Presea chick!"

"I agree!" Genis agreed, still blushing redder then Lloyd's outfit. The group headed outside, where Presea was talking to some fat guy with a Mohawk and a thing for tight green leather.

"Wait! Uhhh...Presea!" called Genis, smoothly. Not.

"Could we have a moment of your time?" added Raine, ever sensible. "We wish to go see the King-"

"But the King is sick, and isn't talking to anybody!" butted in Lloyd, completely hi-jacking Raine's sentence. "Will you help us carry the Sacred Wood?"

"..." Responded Presea, brilliantly.

"Um, are you paying attention?" asked Lloyd, though he really didn't have any right to comment on other people's attention spans.

"Please carry that." Presea said, flatly.

"Right!"

Lloyd and Genis hurried over the log, completely failing to even get it off the ground.

"What the hell!" Lloyd bitched, as Genis felt like his fingers were going to snap off, "What's this stuff MADE of?"

Presea then stepped over and calmly dragged it away, one-handed. Raine rolled her eyes to the sky.

"...Well, I think my confidence as a man just crashed." noted Lloyd.

"Mine too." Genis agreed. Lloyd gave him a sideways look.

"What confidence as a man?"

"Shutup!" Genis hissed, not wanting to be shown up in front of Presea. Who wasn't even paying the slightest bit of attention to him. Ah, unrequited love. The others hurried after Presea to the doors.

"Huh? It's not just Preseatron today?" asked one of the guards.

"Today is...special..." Presea said, blankly. The guards exchanged looks as the other 'helpers' just casually strolled on it.

"Is that okay? Aren't we going to get into some sort of trouble for letting a bunch of people with weapons stroll on it to the castle?" the second guard mentioned.

"Well, a 12-year-old girl said so, so let's just do what she says because she's basically a robot." responded the first guard casually, "Robots don't lie, right? Right?"

* * *

"Well, we can't send Presea back out, it would look weird." Raine said, as everyone was inside. "Let's just drag her along with us, despite the fact we've known her for five seconds and she has nothing to do with us whatsoever."

"I AGREE!" burst out Genis, nearly jumping for joy. Presea just stared blankly at nothing.

_Presea gained the title of, "Wannabe persocom!"_Running around the castle seemed to go down well with everyone, until they finally reached the top.

"Why are you here?" asked the guard at the door, all suspicious like.

"We carried in the Sacred Wood, but were asked to assist with the prayers." lied Raine, "The Pope said so."

"The Pope?!" the guard gasped. "I should go check."

"Sorry about this!" cried Lloyd, before knocking the guard out. By...punching him in the back. Because apparently, Lloyd could punch through armour at that moment.

"Who are you?!" demanded the Pope upon entry.

"I should ask you the same question!" cried Lloyd, indignant for no real reason. Raine rolled her eyes, which were beginning to get tired from rolling.

"Why are you people here?" Zelos asked, eyeing Raine in a predatorial fashion.

"Chosen, you know these people?" inquired the Pope, giving Lloyd a weird look.

"Well, I wouldn't say I know them," mentioned Zelos, shrugging. "I want to bed at least two of them, but-"

"_You're _the Chosen?" demanded Genis, incredulous, "What kind of sicko world-"

"So you're the Chosen of Tethe'alla..." Raine said, much calmer then Genis. Then again, that wasn't really hard, given the way he was raving on about Zelos being a pervert Chosen. Though having a retarded one isn't exactly much better...

"Of Tethe'alla? Are you people...from Sylvarant?" asked the King, finally paying attention. The Princess looked panicky at the possibility.

"I'm Lloyd. We have a letter from Sheena of Mizuho." explained Lloyd.

"Sheena? What's your relationship with Sheena?" Zelos demanded, raising his eyebrows.

"Lloyd, give me the letter." instructed the King, so Lloyd stepped up and handed it over.

"Pastor, please show our guests to the Crimson Room." ordered the Pope. The Pastor hastily obeyed.

The Crimson Room, shockingly enough, was red.

"This is boring! We've been waiting for ages!" whined Lloyd, with a patience of a four-year-old.

"They may be getting ready to kill us." Raine said, ever the cheery one, "To them, Colette is an obstacle."

"Obstacle? Like, they have to jump over her?" piped up Lloyd, who was completely ignored. Colette just stared blankly in to space.

"If they do that, what will become of Presea?" Genis wanted to know, casting a woeful look at Presea, who was doing a Colette (eww, no, not like that!) and gazing at the wall. Together, the two of them were a scream. Then the door opened and Zelos and the Pope game strolling on in.

"Sorry about the wait," began Zelos, "So, you wanna use our technology to save the blonde chick, m'i'right?"

"Colette will die if we don't find a cure for her!" Lloyd stated dramatically, recounting Colette's Tales of Woe.

"But as long as the Chosen lives, she's a threat to us." deadpanned the Pope. Suddenly, two guards appeared in front of and behind Colette.

"Raine was right! Again!" noted Genis. Raine just shrugged. She was used to being right.

The guards tried to attack Colette, and got promptly punched in the stomach. Apparently, they have really crappy armour in Meltokio.

"Damn! They can't even touch her!" cussed the Pope.

"Can't touch this!" burst out Lloyd, and began doing the hammertime dance.

"See? They have exsphere's, they're pretty tough." noted Zelos dryly.

"Hm. You're not as unintelligent as you look," sneered Genis.

"Impudent little brat." retorted Zelos, his eyes turning to green cat-slits. Raine decided to step in at this point before somebody decided Genis would look much better with a spear imbedded in his skull.

"What do you say we make a deal?" Raine began, "Colette was turned into an Angel in order to regenerate the world. If she doesn't turn into an angel, Tethe'alla won't be in danger. If you give us the cure, you save Tethe'alla."

"But that means you'll be abandoning Sylvarant." noted the Pope.

"Who gives a fuck?" responded Raine, indifferent. Genis stared at her in shock.

"Raine!"

"Meh, okay then. That's our pretext for coming to Tethe'alla anyway." put in Lloyd, airily.

"Lloyd!" Genis cried.

"Well, it'd be kinda hypocritical of me to say otherwise." Lloyd said, "Let's do what the Professor says, or it's raw scalps for us!"

"Say, Pope," Zelos added, all nonchalance, "How about I follow these people and keep tabs on them? I'm going to die of boredom otherwise, and I'm sick of looking at your pathetic excuse for a moustache."

"Fine. I hereby give you people permission to go to Sybak as long as Zelos is tailing you." the Pope went, bored already. Lloyd shrugged.

Zelos grinned.

"All right! Okay, you people, I have to go wash my hair, so let's meet up in the Church later! Bye, my future lovers! Oh, and you obstacles to those lovers."

With that, Zelos and the Pope both went wondering off again.

* * *

With nothing better to do now they weren't facing imminent death, the group went off to the Church, where Zelos was casually standing in a pew and probably making all the woman in the Church think unholy things.

"Hey, you're...Zealous? Zephyr?" Lloyd began.

"Yup, yup, I'm the Super Amazing Sex-tastic Zelos!" grinned Zelos. "Now let's see...ignoring the two guys...this angry hottie is Raine, right? And then the blonde is Colette...and who's the loli?"

"Her name is Presea! She helped us sneak into the castle!" announced Genis, puffing up importantly, "And you don't have permission to address her! You stay away!"

"Is she from your stupid declining world?" Zelos asked Lloyd, having no desire to talk to a whiny twelve-year-old.

"Ozette." Presea intoned. Zelos' eyes widened.

"Ozette? That creepy village out in the- I mean, that's so sad! You're being used by these uncivilised barbarians!"

"That was uncalled for..." mumbled Lloyd, hurt.

"Hey, hey, I'm kidding! Anyway, I have connections at the Imperial Research Academy, so therefore I am awesome."

"Well, let's head there, then." stated Raine, "But can you free Presea? She really doesn't have anything to do with us, and I'm getting sick of her blank expression."

"Well, no, I don't need her around." shrugged Zelos, "But Sybak and Ozette are on the same continent, so we might as well free Meltokio from her first."

"That's fine with you, right, Presea?" asked Lloyd, turning his head.

"Yes."

"Awesome! Let's go!" cheered Lloyd, and Zelos officially joined the party.

They went out off into the big wide world known as Tethe'alla. Colette was still out of the party due to her soulless-ness and Presea's whiny "I wanna go home" meant Zelos got to be in the fourth slot, where Zelos was pissed because a runty twelve-year-old could do better spells then him.

"Fire ball!" cried Zelos.

"Eruption!" smirked Genis.

"Why you little-"

"Guys, the battle's over now." Lloyd reminded them, sounding nearly as bored as Raine did.

"Oh yeah, right."

* * *

Don't forget to review! XP


	17. If everybody jumped off a bridge

Wow! Been a while since my last update, eh, readers?

This is also a LONG chapter, and now my wrist has a cramp. Ha. Oh, and please continue sending in your votes! (I've had to close the poll because all the options kept coming up as a draw, so please send in your votes in reviews.) And I really wish I had specified 'Other' now. (What is Other, anyway? Lloyd/Undine? Lloyd/Mustard?)

Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

After a few nondescript battles, the group reached the Grand Tethealla Bridge.

"Listen and be amazed, simpletons!" Zelos cried, "Behold! This is the Grand Tethealla Bridge. It's really, really long and uses 3,000-exsphere power! We did use hamsters at one point, but this way is much better."

"3,000 humans lives..." muttered Lloyd.

"Hmm? What are you babbling about?"

"I suppose we should tell you..." began Raine, explaining.

"Oh." said Zelos, once the explanation was done. Then he suddenly grinned, "Still, it's not like the dead are going to come back at any point, so we can all just shrug it off like the exploitative jerks that we are!"

"Wow, what an optimistic asshole you are!" noted Genis, amazed and disgusted.

"Thanks!""By the way, it is common for people to attach parasite rocks onto their bodies?" added Lloyd, as an afterthought. The fact that Lloyd could have an AFTERthought was amazing in itself. "It didn't seem that way the way Sheena talked about them."

"Nope, I got an exsphere from the Renegades because they couldn't resist my amazing sex appeal," replied Zelos, shrugging. He glanced over at Presea, "Well, cupcake? How did you get your exsphere?"

"..." Replied Presea, brilliantly.

"She's such a noticeable member of our team, isn't she?" commented Zelos.

And with that sarcastic dig, they set off again, having to run over the bridge for a very long; boring time until they FINALLY reached the end. Then they finally reached Sybak, which was basically a giant nerd town and probably where Raine was conceived.

"I hate...this city..." complained Presea, flatly. "Hurry to Ozette..."

"I-I'm sorry, Presea!" stuttered Genis.

"Sorry, cupcake, but we have shit to do," Zelos said, smooth as cream, "We'll try to be quick about it, right, guys?"

"LOOK AT THIS FABULOUS PAVEMENT!" shouted Raine, ecstatically, "Suck it up, Presea, there's research to be done!"

"I am surrounded by freaks." muttered Lloyd, under his breath. Like he could talk.

Upon entering Sybak, Zelos tried to look at some pervy magazines which were being publicly displayed in the library, for some reason, but was thwarted by the Wonder Chef.

"I am the great gourmet, the Wonder Che-" cried the Wonder Chef, while Zelos scrabbled around on the floor.

"Um, what are you doing?" asked the Wonder Chef.

"The porn! Where did you hide the porn?" Zelos demanded, annoyed, "Screw your stupid Beef Stew or whatever the hell it is you're trying to plug, you freak in an apron!"

"Sheesh, when it comes to seeing naked girls, Zelos is like a bloodhound on crack," noted Lloyd.

"Like a pornhound?" questioned Genis.

_Zelos gained the title of 'Pornhound'!_Since the library didn't have all that much to offer, Zelos dragged the group off to the Imperial Research Academy.

"Yo! There should be word from Meltokio that the libidinous demigod has arrived!" Zelos announced to a rather alarmed-looking science guy.

"Oh, yes, the Chosen. Well, if you'll just walk this way-"

"Walk this waaay! Talk this waaay!" sang Lloyd, nearly giving Genis a heart attack in the process. Raine just rolled her eyes at Lloyd's stupidity. Colette and Presea just stared blandly, as usual.

"Cruxis Crystals are basically an evolved form of exsphere," began the Science guy. Let's call him Martin. "They fuse with other life forms and cause an imbalance of mana in the body, which is why we used Key Crests. And could you please get that weird girl to stop staring at me like that?"

"Sorry, Colette doesn't blink much nowadays." apologised Lloyd.

"Right...uh, anyway, we conclude that the freaky staring girl is suffering from some kind of parasitic infection from the exsphere. We found this out from analysing the Chosen's exsphere."

"I'll have to make sure Colette thanks me when she wakes up!" smirked Zelos.

"So, all Colette needs is a Key Crest? No problem! One should pop up out of nowhere!" said Lloyd, ever the chipper one, "Let's go!"

Outside, just as Lloyd predicted, there was a key crest sitting on top of a box of stuff.

"Hey, how much for the Key Crest over there?" Lloyd asked, straight off the bat.

"Oh, that useless piece of junk? 10,000 gald." replied the Stall Guy, indifferent.

"Actually, it's for free, because if you don't give us that Key Crest, I'm going to make sure you never sell crappy, broken down junk again," Zelos told him, puffing out his chest. "Now grovel at my feet, bi-atch."

"It's the Chosen! I'd recognise that pink vest shirt anywhere!" gasped the Stall Guy, "Please, take this useless piece of junk!"

"That's a good expandable NPC."

* * *

Back in the Academy, Colette stared flatly at a spider-web in the corner of the building.

"I really didn't think I'd still have to give you your birthday present in an alternate dimension." grumbled Lloyd, as he had just magically fixed the Key Crest, "But here goes!"

Lloyd attached the Key Crest, hoping that people weren't thinking that he was trying to grope Colette. The party waited a moment, watching to see if anything registered in Colette's face.

"No response..." sighed Raine.

"Maybe I could ask Dirk to fix the Key Crest?" tried Lloyd, so it would seem like he hadn't just failed miserably.

"Lloyd, Dirk is in a different world," Genis reminded him, snotty. "How exactly are we supposed to go back?"

"Maybe we can steal some more Rheairds?" suggested Lloyd, always up for some casual theft.

"Hey, hey, hey, you guys just can't up and go waltzing back off to your stupid hick-world! I'm supposed to keep tabs on you, remember?" butted in Zelos, "In fact, the only reason I'm still here is so I can ogle your hot but psychotic sister and the robots in disguise!"

"You could come with us," suggested Raine, "I'm sure there are plenty of retarded Sylvarant girls for you to screw."

"Well, how am I supposed to argue with that?" Zelos said, not sure whether to be pleased about possible intercourse or put out at just being verbally kickboxed.

Just then, Martin and some Papal Knights came dashing over.

"Aha! We heard everything you just said, Chosen! Aside from being a sex fiend, you are now also a traitor!"

"Oh, shucks."

"Ow! WTF are you doing?!" complained Lloyd, as he was forcibly grabbed by a Papal Knight.

"It's some biological testing," explained Zelos, "Apparently by bashing you in the shoulder, Papal Knights can determine what race you are. Which is totally retarded. But-"

"W-we found a match!" cried one of the Papal Knights, "These two are half elves!"

"What?!" cried Lloyd and Zelos at the same time.

"Yes, I'm afraid it's true." stated Raine, calmly.

"Raine!" gasped Genis.

"There's no point in hiding it now." shrugged Raine.

"You are half elves! Therefore, you are evil and smell bad! We're putting you under heavy arrest for no reason except for the fact we're douchebags! Any half elf that commits a crime will be punished by DEATH!"

"You can't do that, you asshole!" cried Lloyd, "The Professor and Genis are much better people then you!"

"I don't know what it's like in your world, but here, half-elves are treated like crap." Zelos stated calmly as the Professor and a hysterical Genis were led away. Hmm, reminds me of something in 1930-40's Europe.

Because they had yet to find some sort of obvious loophole in the Tethealla legal system, Martin and the Papal Knights then just shoved Lloyd, Zelos and the mannequins in the dungeon.

"Who's there!" cried some woman with turquoise hair as the door opened. Other workers hissed at the light, which BURNED.

"The tooth fairy." snapped Marty sarcastically, "Shut up, half elf! We're going to lock these prisoners in here now. So, yeah, be oppressed!"

"We didn't do anything!" howled Lloyd, as the door slammed shut behind them.

...Why was Lloyd the only person handcuffed, anyway?

"I don't know what you did, but I'm just going to lecture you about how you shouldn't have thrown your status as a human anyway to show you just show much my life sucks," said Kate. Suddenly, she spotted Presea.

"Presea?"

Presea ran about two steps away and stared at the floor.

"Ah, don't, get away." intoned Presea, the first thing she's said in the chapter so far.

"How can you know a human child? Half elves are forbidden to leave their labs!" pointed out Zelos, suspicious.

"This child was our research sample. We were doing experiments with creating Cruxis Crystals," explained Kate, still staring at Presea, "We create them by implanting the crystals inside the body and then allowing the exsphere to feed on the subject. We call in the Angelus project."

"THE ANGELUS PROJECT!" screamed Lloyd, making everyone except Colette and Presea jump, "That's the project my mom was involved in! How can you treat people that way?"

"I could ask you the same thing. How could you treat half-elves the way you do?"

"I don't discriminate against half elves! I hate everybody!" argued Lloyd, still somewhat emo from the mentioning of his mother.

"...He's not from Sylvarant." said a disembodied voice. Sheena popped up in the middle of the lab, as though she just nonchalantly appeared in underground basements all the time. "He's a strange one that was raised by a dwarf and has a strange obsession with mustard."

"Sheena!" cried Lloyd, "how did you find us?"

"You're not exactly difficult to find. But nevermind that, Raine and Genis are being taken to Meltokio! Let's make like banana's and split."

"Hey, Sheena, maybe you'd like to see my bana-" began Zelos, when Kate interrupted him,

"You're going to escape? I don't believe you! Humans would never go and save half elves!"

"Does anybody care what this woman has to say anymore?" complained Lloyd, "Look, we don't have time to discuss racial politics with you! Either you let us out or we'll just have to fight you!"

"Yeah, that would totally be a fair fight," remarked Kate. "Okay, there's a secret passageway that we don't use for some reason over there. If you promise to bring Presea back here afterwards, you can go. I'll free her from her experiment."

"Awesome! Let's go, people!" cheered Lloyd, rushing out.

"By the way, whose order was Presea's experiment carried out?" Zelos asked, lagging behind.

"I can't say," said Kate, mysteriously.

"The Pope, then. Pathetic old man." tutted Zelos.

"D-don't call him a pathetic old man!" Kate stuttered, rushing to the Pope's defence.

"Eww, you have a crush on the Pope!"

"...Shut up..."

* * *

After hightailing it out of Sybak, the group ran off toward the bridge, and ran for about 500 years until they saw Genis and Raine being led away by the Papal Knights. The bridge began making a series of weird clanking noises and started to lift up. But what kind of bridge closes three-quarters of the way through, anyway? Why can't they have a halfway bridge like normal civilisations?

"Damn! They're trying to cut us off!" cried Lloyd, "We're gonna have to jump it!"

"Whoa, whoa, are you insane?!" shrieked Zelos, running in front of Lloyd, "We'll, like, DIE if we fall from there!"

"And if we don't rescue them, they'll die too!" Lloyd declared passionately, before ducking under Zelos' arm and running toward the now nearly vertical bridge.

"Man..." complained Zelos, but chased the others anyway.

"LEAP OF FAAAIIITH..." yelled Lloyd, but gravity kicked in at that point and they fell anyway. Except Colette, who actually did something intelligent for a change and just floated over the bridge.

"UNDINE HELP!" screamed Sheena, flailing her arms a bit.

Undine appeared in a flash of sparkly blue light. A jet of water came blasting upwards, propelling the possibly suicidal heroes to safety, the Papal Knights all just kind of standing around watching.

"Safe landing due to convenient mermaid thing. No damage detected." stated Presea.

"Whew! I saw my whole, fabulous life flash before my life." Zelos panted. Lloyd turned to Sheena.

"Thanks, Sheena!"

"I'm sure glad I was able to summon her," Sheena agreed, "Now let's stop procrastinating!"

"Damn!" cursed one of the random Papal Knights, "They must have escaped!"

GEE, YA THINK SO?!

The fight commenced, Soulless Colette floating around and making weird symbols with her hands, making the light of judgment fall on the Papal Knights. Why that didn't freak them (being religious and all) the fuck out was lost on me, but they were quickly defeated.

"Lloyd! Other people!" Genis cried.

"...You came to rescue us." stated Raine, redundantly.

"Of course! You're our friends!" replied Lloyd, heart-warming music starting up in the background.

"But...we're half elves." pointed out Genis, sadly.

"Yeah, we know. You know, with the arresting and the escaping and the chasing and the jumping..." Lloyd began, his retardedness kicking in once again.

"What about the Tethe'alla half of our group?" Raine asked, diverting people from Lloyd's rambling. "Are you all right with Genis and I joining your group?"

"I'm from Mizuho. Paranoid ninja's aren't exactly mainstream. S'cool." shrugged Sheena.

"To be honest, I can't say I'm really cool with this," began Zelos, "Then again, people have always treated me different, saying I'm a descendent of angels. So in a way, we're a lot alike."

WTF? How is getting treated just short of royalty REMOTELY like how we saw Raine, Genis and Kate getting treated? And people saying he was a descendent of_ angels_ somehow counted as discrimination? WHAT?

Ahem. Anyway.

"I...just want to go home." intoned Presea, which she's mentioned, oh, about fifty million times so far.

"By the way, why is Sheena here?" Genis randomly asked. I say random because...well, she did say she'd see them again 'Some day'. And he didn't have a problem with her following them before.

"I have orders from my Chief. I'm supposed to tail you." explained Sheena, sheepishly.

"Now we have two people keeping tabs on us!" noted Genis, brilliantly.

"Well, now all we need to do is get Sheena to form a pact with Volt-" began Lloyd.

"VOLT?!" Sheena gasped, suddenly going white and twitching a little.

"What's wrong with you?" Lloyd asked her, staring.

"Relapse detected." Presea noted as Sheena began hyperventilating.

"But Volt's temple is on the other side of the Grand Tethealla Bridge." noted Zelos, looking behind him at the very not-passable bridge. "I don't think we'll be able to cross this for a while. Shouldn't we get the Rheairds first?"

"How exactly do you plan on carrying them?" Lloyd asked Zelos.

"Just leave that to me! Come on, my hunnies! To the Fuji mountains!" cheered Zelos, setting off, suddenly very chipper for some reason. Everyone stared at Zelos and his strange mood swings, then shrugged and followed.

* * *

"I can't believe we had to climb that stupid mountain again…" whined Lloyd, a bit later on. "So Zelos, how did you say we were moving these huge aircraft things, again?"

"Oh, I'll show ya. Come over here a sec." Zelos replied.

But just then, some dancing orange…triangles surrounded them, except Colette, again.

"You've walked right into my trap, fools!" Yuan said, stepping out from behind a rock.

Apparently, Yuan is Mr. T.

"He just called Zelos a fool!" giggled Lloyd, poking Zelos. "Fool!"

"Are you seven or seventeen?" grumbled Zelos, slapping Lloyd's offending finger away. Yuan ordered his lackeys to retrieve the Rheairds.

"This time, you're mine, Lloyd."

"STOP HITTING ON ME!" yelled Lloyd, alarmed.

Just then, Pronyma appeared on the mountain top.

"Oh, Lord Yuan. What brings you to this place?" she asked, casually.

"I could ask you the same, Pronyma! What the hell do you want?" Yuan snapped, irritated.

"Yggdrasill told me to come retrieve Colette. Hand her over to me."

"Fine, but in exchange, I get Lloyd."

"Oh, you know, that's fine. Since we're apparently baseball cards now or something."

Whined Lloyd, who did not like being ignored. Pronyma ignored Lloyd and hovered on over to Colette.

"Colette, don't go off with strange slutty women!" Lloyd called to her.

"A futile effort," snickered Pronyma, "Your whining cannot reached a Chosen who has lost her soul."

"She didn't _lose_ it," Genis put in, rolling his eyes, "It's not like, 'Whoops, where'd my soul go?'"

"Genis, what have I said about making obscure film references?" Raine said, annoyed.

"What the? Why is there such a crude key crest upon the Cruxis Crystal? I shall remove this ugly-ass thing as once!"

"Crude key creast upon the Cruxis crystal! Hey, that's hard to say fast! CrudekeycrestupontheCruxisCrystal!" giggled Lloyd. Raine slapped him upside the head, because she was getting a migraine.

"N..no!" Colette suddenly squeaked, the first thing she's said in a while. "This was a present that Lloyd gave me!"

"Colette! She's back!" Genis gasped. Lloyd groaned.

"What?" Colette said, staring at the group, "Why is everyone…inside that thing?"

"For shits 'n' giggles, obviously." Replied Sheena sarcastically.

"How could such a crappy Key Crest subdue the crystal?!" Pronyma demanded. "Still, it won't last long! Now, come with me!"

Colette responded by bitch-slapping Pronyma with one of her frisbees.

"Let me go!" cried Colette, then just suddenly fell backwards. On NOTHING. And somehow managed to break a machine that she DIDN'T EVEN LAND ON.

"Plothole 16!" shouted Plothole Girl, jumping out from behind a rock. She was ecstatic because she hasn't shown up in a while.

"Why do people suddenly keep popping up out of nowhere?" complained Genis, partially blinded by Plothole Girl's outfit. Zelos, on the other hand, was gawking.

"Who's this?" asked the Chosen, practically drooling.

"I'm Plothole Girl. I show up wherever there are Plotholes." Plothole Girl replied, shrugging.

"You can show up in my bedroom too." Zelos said, suave.

"Zelos! Quit hitting on Plothole Girl!" Lloyd snapped, annoyed. Sheena just rolled her eyes and shook her head at the general stupidity of men.

"Right, well, I'm going now. Bye!" Plothole Girl burbled, looking highly embarrassed, before disappearing in a puff of blue smoke.

"Damn, damn that Plothole Girl…" muttered Yuan.

"You impudent! Prepare to die!" screamed Pronyma, who was very annoyed at having the attention diverted from her by Plothole Girl.

After kicking her ass, Lloyd turned his attention to Yuan.

"This time, we settle the score and you quit hitting on me, Yuan!" he said, lunging at him with his swords. Just then, Kratos came out of nowhere and deflected the shot.

"Kratos!" cried Lloyd, dramatically. Then he blinked, "Why are you much less purple then usual?"

"What are you doing here?" Yuan grumbled at Kratos, glaring. Kratos put his sword away and folded his arms.

"Leave Yuan. Lord Yggdrasill wants you to paint his toenails."

"Grrr. Are you taking the Chosen?" demanded Yuan, once again acting like Lloyd and co were just baseball cards that they could just grab as they pleased.

"No, it's the toxicosis." Answered Kratos, indifferently.

"Hey, Raine, your name stuck!" Genis commented, surprised. Yuan floated off, unlike Kratos, getting bog-standard pink-and-purple wings like everybody else.

"Dammit, Yuan, wait!" cried Lloyd, glaring up at the sky.

"…What are you doing?" Kratos said, staring at Lloyd.

"Yelling at Yuan, duh."

"No, why have you come to Tethealla?"

"To save Colette, obviously!"

"What good will saving the Chosen do? The two worlds will still compete for each other's mana. I thought you said you weren't going to make any more mistakes?"

"S-shutup! That has nothing to do with anything!" Lloyd snapped, flustered. "And can't something be done? Lord Yggdrasill's the one that made this twisted world!"

"Lord Yggdrasill does not consider it twisted." Kratos responded, primly.

"Well, DUH. He made it and he's an egocentrically jackass. But I swear I'll change it! So there!"

"Whatever. Do your best." Sneered Kratos before flying off along with Pronyma, who had apparently just sat on the floor during that whole exchange.

"I remember!" Genis suddenly blurted out, "That woman was on the projector at the Asgard Ranch!"

"That makes her a Desian!" commented Sheena. Duh.

"So it looks like the Desians and Cruxis really are the same organisation!" added Genis.

…Didn't we establish that, like, 2 chapters ago?

"And it seems that Yuan is connected to Cruxis…somehow." Chipped in Raine.

"Gaah! This is all so confusing!" raged Lloyd, pissed off that Kratos had robbed him of his fight with Yuan and then been a condescending ass to him again, "In other words, they're all our enemies, right?"

"I suppose you need to simplify is somehow." Sighed Raine, annoyed by Lloyd's sweeping generalisations again.

"Anyway, now Colette's back to normal, what are we gonna do now?" added Zelos.

"What else? We're going to save both worlds, because I'm ruthlessly idealistic!" grinned Lloyd.

"I want to go home." Presea reminded everyone, as though everything that had just transpired was completely irrelevant and it was all about doing what Presea wanted. By taking her back to her depressing little village to working in her depressing little house.

_Presea earned the title, 'Menial Labour is the only thing worth it!'_

"Oh, yeah, we still need to bring Presea to that whiny Kate woman." Added Zelos, "But with the Bridge closed and all…"

"I have contacts in Meltokio. Let's go there!" Sheena said, kind of abruptly.

"But we're wanted criminals. Can we even get in to Meltokio?" butted in Genis, ever the doubtful.

"Juuust leave that to me," dralwed Zelos, "I know Meltokio like the back of my hand!"

Then, Zelos glanced at his hand and gasped.

"Hey! I didn't know I had a freckle on my left knuckle!"

Raine sighed.

"We're doomed."


	18. Convicts! Sewers! All that fun stuff!

Hi, readers!

Late update again. I had a bit of a dry spell with this chapter, because it's the Meltokio sewer chapter, and I HATE THAT GODDAMN DUNGEON. But at least it's finally done! (Incidentally, I just went back to college today. Thank christ I'll only be there for four weeks, today was bad enough.)

Enjoy, or I may have to hurt you!

* * *

Once the group got their butts over to Meltokio, they were in for a bit of a surprise.

"Sorry, Chosen, but we've been ordered to keep you and your fashionably-challenged companions outside the city," a guard informed Zelos, "Because we apparently like you, we'll just not bother to report your existence and allow you figure out some other way of sneaking into the city."

"Well, what do we do now?" complained Lloyd, standing behind some bushes.

"Yeah, you'd better have some kind of plot-device at the ready," added Sheena, irritated.

"Of course!" Zelos grinned, "Observe the huge, gaping gap in the wall behind you!"

And so they did.

"What's this?" asked Lloyd, who was mentally challenged and had never seen a sewer before.

"This is the Meltokio Sewer!" replied Zelos, then adding with a smirk, "It's a great way to sneak back into the city after dark."

"Why do you need to sneak back into the city after dark?" inquired Colette, wide-eyed.

Despite the apparent stupidity of this question, she had a point. I mean, if Zelos WAS indeed going around sexing random women up, why did he need to go outside the city? Isn't there enough vagina in Meltokio for him or something? Why bother go trolling for booty in another city when you're going to get locked out?

But enough of my rudely-worded questions!

"Well, if you wanna come out with me tonight, I'll happily show you..." grinned Zelos, suggestively, which pissed Sheena off, because who prays on a technically retarded person?

"Zelos!" snarled Sheena. Zelos took a step back.

"Hey, don't get mad, Sheena! There's plenty of Zelos to go around!"

"Why is Zelos mad?" Colette asked, and this time it was a genuinely stupid question.

"You'll understand when you're older," replied Raine, which was stupid, because Colette is SIXTEEN. Seriously, how sheltered was her life? I mean, sure, as the Chosen, she had a bit of a restricted upbringing, but still, it's a bit much...

"Well, you see, Colette, when two people love each other very much-" began Sheena.

"Sheena, no!" hissed Raine, swiftly interrupting her, "We mustn't let Colette breed!"

"Oh, that was close..." breathed Sheena, suddenly understanding why everyone in Iselia had opted to avoid explaining to Colette why porn is the most researched thing on the Internet.

"I detect enemies." announced Presea mechanically, ignoring all this not-sex education and staring blankly at the sewer opening.

"You're right!" agreed Genis, also staring, despite it being pitch-black.

"Let's be careful." added Lloyd, "Despite the fact we've faced things much worse then sewer rats on steroids and I have a sword the size of a club sandwich."

* * *

Inside the sewer, Lloyd wandered around aimlessly for a bit until he stumbled upon another Sorcerer's ring pedestal and asked the inevitable,

"Ooh, whatsitdothistime?"

Lloyd pressed the Sorcerer's ring and suddenly everyone turned into Barbie's. (In terms of size, not...well, you know.)

"Oh my god! The dungeon got bigger!" shrieked Colette.

"No, we got smaller!" replied Genis, irritated.

"Really?" asked Zelos, in a panicky voice. Sheena rolled her eyes. Raine, resisting the urge to do the same, walked over to a blue panel and returned to her previous height.

"OH SHIT! IT'S A GIANTESS!" screamed Lloyd, "EVERYONE RUN! SHE'LL CRUNCH YOUR BONES!"

"Lloyd, I am not a giantess. I just returned to my normal size...somehow." sighed Raine.

And so the group ploughed on, fighting jellyfish, rats, slugs and all those other delightful characters you can find in sewers. They tried to open more doors in the oddly elaborate, but since it was a city-wide LOCKDOWN, they were forced to actually think their little plan through further.

"What's with this weird machine?" asked Lloyd.

"Huh? Don't you even know that?" sighed Zelos, although he secretly enjoyed showing off about Tethe'alla's more advanced machinery to the countryfolk, "It's a trash compactor."

"I bet we can use it for something!" added Genis, as pretty much everything else in this journey had magically been able to assist them somehow.

So even pushing though blocks of garbage around to make a path was kind of unfeasible (since, you know, wouldn't it sink?) the group decided to ignore it as everything else they encountered wasn't exactly realistic. After a very long time (because like hell am I going to write out all those stupid cobweb/more block moving parts after having actually DONE the stupid dungeon) they reached the end of their little 'short-cut'. Racy and ominous music suddenly started up.

"What's goin' on?" Zelos asked, raising his eyebrows, as three dirty convicts stood around, in all their menacingly unhygienic glory.

"I sense...danger." Presea stated, redundantly. Because, HELLO, you're gonna sense danger if there are three dudes with CLUBS standing before you.

"We've been WAITING for you, travellers from Sylvarant," informed one of them. As though they'd just be standing there for fun.

"The Pope promised to lighten our sentences if we got rid of you!" added another one in an oddly fast voice, "Nothing personal, but we need you to die!"

And so a battle raged. It was pretty easy, except the group kept screaming "EWWW!" whenever a convict touched them and rapidly sprayed the air with Dettox.

Zelos happily advanced on the three convicts. Presea looked slowly upwards as a man with blue hair suddenly leapt on top of Zelos. And that is in no way sexual. (Giggle)

"OW!" screeched Zelos, "EW! This floor is filthy! Ewewewewewew!"

"Don't move," the convict said, "If you move, the Chosen dies. Understand?"

"So...does breathing count?" asked Lloyd, raising his hand like he was in class, "Or blinking? Or stretching? Or scratching your-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Zelos whined from the floor, like a disgruntled pop diva, "You think you can get away with doing this to the Chosen and his beautiful, unblemished face?"

"One who plots the destruction of the world...can no longer be called the Chosen." replied the convict, as though this was meant to be a witty, devastating retort.

"Oh...hey, Lloyd?" asked Zelos, sweetly, "If you abandon me, I swear, I'll come back to haunt you!"

"Hey, why me?" whined Lloyd.

"Well, obviously, if Raine or Sheena were having a shower, you'd get a break, but-"

Presea, suddenly developing a violent urge, rushed forward and slices at the convict, managing to sever some hair. He hopped back, alarmed by the pink-haired Lolita. Then he stared some more.

"You're...!"

Getting annoyed at the convict's creepy staring, Genis ran forward and waved his paddleball threateningly, and some fireballs flew straight past the possibly-paedophile convict.

"Ugh...retreat for now, before they actually start doing anything." he said, and fled with the other convicts.

"Whew!" cried Zelos, draping herself over Lloyd, "I thought I was gonna die!"

"I'm so glad everyone's okay!" chirped Colette, ignoring the fact convicts attacked them. Possibly with diseases, "Now we can go meet Sheena's friends!"

"Where are your friends, anyway?" Genis asked,

"They live in a big blue building. It's a lab where Corrine was born and is in no way creepy. Let's go!"

* * *

After skipping merrily through Meltokio despite being wanted criminals, they reached the lab, Kuchinawa popped up in a cloud of ninja-ish smoke.

"Kuchinawa!" cried Sheena, "When did you get here?"

"Um, just now." Replied Kuchinawa, "Didn't you see the smoke?"

"No!" Sheena said, irritated, "I mean, what are you doing here?"

"I'm on a top secret mission that will in no way involve you," replied Kuchinawa, vaguely. "Anyway, go talk to the people downstairs. They of course have a way you can get to Sybak."

Sheena nodded and ran off downstairs and Kuchinawa vanished again. Lloyd and the others decided that it was perfectly socially acceptable to eavesdrop and went off downstairs.

"That's ridiculous!" shouted Sheena.

"RIDICULOUS!" yelled Lloyd happily, for no real reason.

"Listen to this! They want us to go to Sybak in an Elemental Cargo!"

"A what?" asked Raine.

""Elemental Cargo, typically called EC. It's a compact transport vehicle controlled by Exspheres. Its maximum load weight is 1400kg and maximum speed is more than three times faster than an upgraded Exsphere-equipped carriage. They are currently used primarily by shipping companies for delivery." Recited Presea, as though she had been waiting to say this utterly useless information all day.

"So it's like a hovercraft, powered by mana!" Genis cried.

Everyone stared at him.

"What?" asked Colette, confused.

"I don't know what I just said," replied Genis, blinking confusedly.

"What are we, packages?" demanded Zelos.

"Yes, you are," replied a scientist, "But you can use Undine to surf across the water, since the EC is powered by mana."

"S-surf?" groaned Raine, looking like she would vomit on the tiles then and there.

"The EC will be ready for you tomorrow. So…you know, go do whatever it is useless people do until then," added the scientist.

"Let's stay at my house!" Zelos burst out, evidently hoping for some sort of orgy to occur.

"That sounds totally safe," agreed Lloyd, "I wanna see Zelos' mansion!"

The mansion was predictably pimped out according to Zelos' tastes. It even had a Butler. Let's call him Jeeves, because I am original.

"Yo, Jeeves! There been any messages for me?" inquired Zelos, chirpily.

"I was supposed to report you to the authorities," replied the Butler, casually, as though he was announcing that the sky was blue or that the world was round.

"Oh. Ignore that."

"Yes, sir. Um, who is your friend with the swords and unzipped fly?"

"This is my Bud."

And with that bad and incredibly unfunny running joke set up, the group happily settled down in Zelos' mansion. Sheena stood over by some flowers, so Lloyd went over to annoy her.

"Mmm...These smell nice," noted Sheena, then went red as Lloyd stared at her, "What? Is it weird to look at flowers? Huh? IS IT?!"

"You sure get embarrassed about weird things," Lloyd noted randomly, before wandering off to see Colette trying to shove her head up the chimney. Lloyd stared a bit.

"What are you doing?"

"Zelos said his fireplace ignites at 'one touch'. What's 'one touch'?" Colette pondered, with soot all over her face.

"I think it's a perfume!" replied Lloyd, who had no idea what 'one touch' actually was either. Then he went off to bother Raine. She was staring pensively up at a portrait of a woman.

"Mylene Wilder. That must be Zelos' mother," noted Raine.

"Name hasn't fooled you, then?" inquired Lloyd.

Raine slapped him. Although Lloyd totally asked for that one.

_Lloyd earned the title, "Glutton for punishment!"_

Cheek stinging, Lloyd decided to pester Zelos, because he never learns his lesson.

"Zelos, what's with the gigantic stack of presents? And why are they addressed to 'Mr Snugglewufflekins'?"

"Oh, these are presents from my hunnies," replied Zelos airily, "Oh, it is so hard being popular and having women fawn over you all the time!"

Yes, Zelos, what a tragic situations you're in. Shrugging, Lloyd wandered off upstairs, where Genis was still under the impression that Presea's complete and utter indifference was just her playing hard to get. Ah, misguided youths...

"P-p-presea..." began Genis, blushing so much it looked like his head was going to explode.

"Yes?"

"I-I-I like you! I want us to move into a stylish flat and argue over the proper ways to discipline the kids and grow old with you!"

"I see," said Presea, flatly, "Then, I wish for you to move and grow old, too."

Nearly choking on his own saliva from laughing, Lloyd decided his friends had nothing better to say and went off to go sleep. Because Namco decided all this was indeed relevant to the game, instead of just letting you have the EC straight away. Whoo.

Next morning, it appeared that somebody had tried to snap Colette's neck in the middle of the night. I personally blame Sheena or Raine.

"Colette!" shouted Lloyd, horrified, "What the hell happened to your neck?"

"Oh, I guess I slept wrong," replied Colette, giggling, "isn't that silly?"

"You look like you've had some of the bones in your neck removed," observed Sheena, since Colette's cheek looked like it had been glued to her shoulder.

"Is she clinically dead, Raine?" asked Genis, staring at Colette.

"...I don't know..." Raine told Genis, sounding disturbed.

_Colette gained the title, "How the hell are you still alive?!"_

* * *

After this apparently necessary scene (or so Namco have apparently deemed) the party went off to the Elemental Research Laboratory.

"Hi," greeted Sheena, once they arrived, "Is the EC ready now? Please tell me I don't have to stay at Zelos' again."

"Kuchinawa decided to take it," replied the Scientist, "He's waiting for you at the Grand Tethe'alla bridge, because it's totally in his right to just steal machinery we've been slaving over. Anyway, take this."

The scientist handed over some invisible object to Lloyd.

"Wow! What's this?" asked Lloyd.

"Sheesh, do we have to explain what everything is to you?" Zelos sighed, shaking his crimson mane; "It's a wing pack. It allows you to store the EC in hammerspace,"

"Whatever!" snapped Lloyd, annoyed at Zelos rubbing his superior technology in his face again, "Let's get going!"

"Wait a sec," Sheena suddenly said, "Come on out, Corrine!"

Corrine popped up on the table. Sheena gestured around the lab.

"We won't be coming back here for a while, as if you care either way, so say goodbye to everyone!"

"I hate you all, you sick bastards." hissed Corrine.

"Corrine!" Sheena reprimanded.

"..."

Corrine vanished. One of the scientists shook his head sadly.

"It looks like he still hates us,"

No, you think so?

"What was the point of that?" Genis interrupted, rolling his eyes, "Jeez, you guys, procrastinators much?"

Since everyone was pretty bored of the lab by now, they left, heading on over to the Grand Tethe'alla bridge, fighting monsters exactly the same way they did before. And Zelos was still performing level 1 spells while Genis whipped up hurricanes and flash floods.

"Kuchinawa should be waiting for us down the right staircase. Let's hurry!" whispered Sheena, before more procrastination could get to them.

But oh no! There was a problem so insignificant it's amazing it was included in the game at all! The gate wouldn't open!

"It is locked." noted Presea.

"No way!" Lloyd rolled his eyes. Genis glared at him. Sighing, Lloyd picked the lock on the bridge, which he could have just done without having to enter a cutscene over it. Couldn't they just have climbed over?

"Wow! Lloyd! That's amazing!" cried Colette, as though she'd never seen somebody open a door before.

"At least he's useful for some things," noted Genis, dryly.

"His face loses out to mine, though," put in Zelos, as though that had any relevance whatsoever to anything. I'm pretty sure Lloyd has more fangirls anyway.

"Shut up!" yelled Lloyd, as Genis, Colette and Zelos giggled. Odd Colette didn't leap to the defence of Lloyd's face, since she loves him so much, but whatever.

"You can see the bridge." noted Raine.

"Duuuuh." replied Lloyd, who was on a roll out pointing out other people's stupidity today, since Genis was too smitten/chicken to contradict Presea/Raine. The camera panned over the bridge, where all the exsphere's were attached to the bridge.

"It looks like the bridge has eczema! Gross!" shrieked Colette.

"It certainly does, but since exsphere's are technically people's life force, I don't think it's appropriate to call them 'gross'," said Zelos, which I must say I agree with. I mean, insensitive much, Colette?

Anyway, they ran down the stairs to greet Kuchinawa, who looked quite annoyed.

"Hi! I'm taller and much more attractive then you!" grinned Zelos, approaching the ninja. Kuchinawa glowered.

"What took you so long?" he snapped, leaning against the EC.

"I'm sorry, we just kept procrastinating despite the fact it's supposed to be urgent we get to Sybak," apologised Sheena. Kuchinawa just shrugged and pushed himself off the EC.

"Okay, Lloyd, use that Wing Pack you just got." Zelos instructed.

Lloyd did as he was told. Instantly, the EC disappeared.

"WOW!" screamed Lloyd.

"That's amazing!" added Colette.

"Sorry about these two," sighed Raine, "They've only just been let out of their cages."

Meanwhile, Lloyd was activating the Ring Pack over and over, chanting, "Now it's here, now it's not!" while Colette and Genis (who should have known better) jumped around like a pair of morons.

"Let's GO!" said Sheena, impatiently, but I'd want to kill half the group by now as well.

"Wait, Sheena, here's this stupid charm that won't benefit you in any way!" Kuchinawa interjected.

"Wow, you're so generous!" Sheena cried. Kuchinawa disappeared again in a puff of red smoke. "Now let's go inside, everyone!"

"We're going out to sea, aren't we..." moaned Raine into her palm.

"...We're going out to sea." churned out Presea, staring blandly out at the waves.

Gee, what an upbeat bunch.

* * *

Same as always! Reviews are luffles!


	19. Gonorrhoea Forest

Greetings, various readers!

I know, I'm late with this chapter again. And I really have no excuse, as it is now the Summer Holidays (and I am as bored as hell) but hopefully the finishing of this chapter means my inspiration has come back. Hopefully. And yup, the Musn't-let-Colette-breed thing was indeed a homage to Yu-Gi-Oh abridged. Little Kuriboh = Amazing.

Ennnjoy!

* * *

When the group got to Sybak, they were in for a shock. Like how I was when I realised I'd just eaten all the Oreo's in one sitting.

"Kratos!" shouted Lloyd, dramatically, like every time he sees Kratos now. "Are you here to take Colette away?"

Kratos turned around, bored, and completely ignoring Lloyd unsheathing his sword.

"I have no intention of fighting you inside the city," Kratos told him, and then took out his own sword and slashed at Lloyd with it. Um, Kratos, that looks like fighting to me.

"Way to contradict yourself," Genis muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Owww..." Lloyd whined, as his landed on his ass.

"You still lack the mad skillz to defeat me," Kratos noted coolly. And everyone else just stood there and didn't bother to leap to Lloyd's defence or anything.

"Don't insult me!" growled Lloyd, leaping to his feet. "For somebody who doesn't want to fight, you're pretty gobby!"

"I merely speak the truth," sneered Kratos. And everyone else continued to stand there like a bunch of planks, enjoying the show.

"Chosen one," Kratos said, as he started to leave the city, "You should remove that crappy Key Crest if you want to live the rest of your miserable life."

"Wait, who are you talking to?" Genis asked, "There's Colette and Zelos."

Colette waved and Zelos flipped his hair. Kratos looked bored.

"...The stupid one."

"I'm never taking it off! Even if it is crappy and cheap!" declared Colette, defiantly.

"Moron," Kratos muttered and stalked off, although Zelos privately thought he totally could have moodily stalked off much better. Genis stared after him.

"He wasn't after Colette?"

No shit, Genis! If he WAS after Colette, I doubt he'd have just stood there and _talked_ at them.

"Man, what an arrogant S.O.B," Zelos jeered. Yeah, like he could really talk, "Talkin' like he's just SO sexy and mysterious."

"While we're talking about ways of speaking, why don't you stop swearing!" Sheena snapped, who was not amused.

"I didn't! And you wouldn't be so mad if Lloyd said it," Zelos pointed out, smugly. Sheena went several different shades of read and decided to slap Zelos, just because. Ahh, abuse.

"Whatever. Lloyd, we need to go see this Kate person," Raine reminded them, as Kratos' departure reminded her once again she was the only person in the group who seemed able to concentrate and remember things at once.

* * *

So off they went to Kate's; using the Super-Secret escape route that was clearly visible right in the middle of the street.

"Oh, it's you people again," Kate noted.

"Hey, bitch," Lloyd greeted, "We saved our friends and brought back Presea."

Presea just stood there, as usual.

"So you're creating a Cruxis Crystal inside Presea's body?" began Raine, frowning.

"Yes, it's called the Angelus Project-" Kate began, but then Lloyd had another explosion.

"OMG! That's exactly what the Desians did! RAWR!"

"Anyway, basically the exsphere has a special Key Crest placed on it. The Crest delays the exsphere's parasitic process, so it can mutate into a Cruxis Crystal." continued Kate, deciding to ignore Lloyd.

"So is that why Presea is essentially a robot?" asked Raine.

"So she's just like Colette..." Genis mused. Colette looked confused.

"What, blonde?"

"No!" shouted Genis, irritated, "I mean, about the whole zombie thing. It's obviously the Key Crest's fault Presea isn't madly in love with me yet!"

"Yeah, the fact you look and sound like a prepubescent girl has nothing to do with it," Zelos sniggered.

"Look who's talking, Mr. Herbal Essences!" yelled Genis, going bright red. "At least I'm not wearing a pink waistcoat and an 80's headband!"

"Real men wear pink," replied Zelos, smug, "Anyway, at least my name doesn't rhyme with pe-"

"ANYWAY!" shrieked Sheena, growing very irritated by this juvenile conversation, "What will happen if we leave the exsphere to mutate?"

"Then it's curtains for Presea," sighed Kate, while Presea remained unaffected by this news.

"I like curtains!" Colette noted randomly. Everyone stared at her for a second.

"You've got to save Presea!" cried Genis to Kate, emotionally. "What did she ever do to you?"

"Nothing, she just matched the compatibility test,"

"But will you save her?" repeated Lloyd forcefully. Kate blinked.

"Well, you don't discriminate against half-elves, so I'll help her,"

Wait a minute, why is Kate basing her whole decision whether to save somebody's life on Lloyd's lack of prejudice? I mean, of course he was going to save Raine and Genis, they're his friends. So, if he hadn't, Kate was going to punish him by taking it out on Presea, who was just forced into the experiment by chance? Doesn't that seem kind of harsh?

"To save Presea, you should go see the dwarf in the Gaoracchia forest. He was also a participant in the experiment."

"What, gonorrhoea forest?" repeated Zelos, disgusted, "I'm not going in there!"

"Yeah, like you haven't contracted most other S.T.I's anyway..." muttered Sheena.

"I wonder if the Pope is a Desian?" Lloyd said out loud, remembering how much fun killing Remial had been.

"At this rate, I wouldn't be surprised." Raine noted, dryly.

_Lloyd earned the title, "I'm not paranoid, they really are all Desians!"  
_

* * *

In the forest, it was predictably dark and creepy.

"Wow! I can't see a thing!" Lloyd said loudly.

"Isn't it dark?" agreed Colette, giggling.

"Colette, you're way too cheerful," Zelos noted, "Someone's bound to come interrupt that soon."

Raine stared at him.

"That's probably the most intelligent thing I've heard you say," she remarked, astounded. Zelos smirked.

"I love you too, my sweet, scary hunny."

"CHOSEN!" screamed a voice nearby.

"Here we go again," sighed Sheena, rolling her eyes.

Three Papal knights appeared. Knights with spears. Pointy spears.

"You're in the Pope's way! So we've come here to kill you!"

"Yeah, yeah," grumbled Zelos.

And so they had a short battle. It was very boring.

"We need to hurry and go to Altessa's," Lloyd reminded everyone, despite being responsible for about 60% of pointless cutscenes, "Let's get moving!"

They reached a pedestal for the Sorcerer's Ring and HEY PRESTO! It turned into something else.

"Gah! I'm blinded! BLINDEDED!" squealed Lloyd, as he pressed the ring and a large cylinder of light came out of it, pressing his hands to his eyes and wailing.

"I suppose there are some plants in here that react strongly to light," mused Raine.

"That explains why Lloyd's brain is being affected so badly," sniffed Genis.

And on they went, fighting pumpkins and weird eye-violet things and apparent grim reapers that had coffins on their backs, from which hands would occasionally shoot and drag you back in. Which must be a pretty disturbing experience. Eventually the group reached the end of the forest, Sheena still a little twitchy from her brush with one of the coffin-bearers.

"My angel sense are tingling!" Colette said, near another sorcerer's ring thing, "Footsteps!"

"I don't hear anything," Zelos said.

"Must be all that hair in your ears." muttered Genis.

"Colette still has mental problems," Raine commented. Colette giggled and clapped her hands.

"I'll send Corrine out to scout, even though the enemy will probably kick him to death before he can tell us anything," suggested Sheena. "Go, Corrine!"

Corrine popped up in a tiny puff of smoke and went scurrying off. Racy music then abruptly started up, as the dirty sweaty convict jumped out from the tree!

"That's the guy from the Meltokio Sewer!" cried Genis, raising the Obvious Alarm.

"Oh, that would explain the smell," added Zelos, wrinkling his nose and glaring at said convict. He still hadn't gotten over being pinned to the floor. (Tee-hee.)

"I do not wish to fight you," the convict said, ignoring Zelos and his jibe, "I merely want to speak to that girl,"

"With Presea?" asked Lloyd, dumbly. Genis looked pissed and stomped his foot.

"You've GOT to be kidding me!" he sneered, "Or did you forget that you tried to kill us?"

"And you molested me!" added Zelos. Sheena, Colette and Raine all slowly turned and looked at him.

"I cannot speak for any others, however I, at least, never intended to take your lives." Replied the convict in a superior voice.

"Wow, you really mangled that sentence," observed Sheena with raised eyebrows. Zelos looked delighted.

"My orders were to retrieve a girl named Colette,"

"Me?" asked Colette, stupidly.

"No, that other Colette that walks around with us," remarked Genis, sarcastically.

"I will do you no harm," continued the convict, speaking to Presea again, "Presea is her name, correct? Please, let me walk over to her in a no way creepy manner."

For some reason, the exsphere at Presea's throat started to glow. Regal- erm, I mean, the convict, gasped.  
"An exsphere? You are yet another victim?"

And then he tried to…I don't know, grab her neck or something, so Presea responded by bitchslapping him.

"Presea's in danger!" shouted Genis.

"Duh." Replied Lloyd and Zelos snickered behind him, "Let's kick ass!"

And ass was kicked, even though the guy was kind of overpowered for somebody who can't use his arms. I mean, come on, how many times can you kick in one go?

And the convict thudded to the ground, defeated.

"He sounds like he has reasons for his actions," said Raine suddenly, "Perhaps we should take him prisoner?"

Before anybody could reply to this somewhat weird suggestion, Corrine came running back, looking pretty beat up. He came over to Sheena, bobbing up and down. One of his tail-feathers was bent.

"Sheena! There were a lot of soldiers and they all chased me screaming, 'Piñata, Piñata!" Run away, quickly!"

"Looks like Colette was right," Sheena said, sounding surprised, as she de-summoned Corrine.

"Uh, then shouldn't we get out of here?" Zelos asked, pointing out the obvious question.

"But the Papal Knights are waiting for us if we go back," Lloyd said, even though they could probably kick their asses.

"It looks like we have no choice," Sheena abruptly announced, glancing mysteriously over her shoulder, "I'll have to take you to the village of Mizuho."

"Whoa, there, Sheena," Zelos teased, "Isn't Mizuho a hidden village, kept secret from outsiders and tourists?"

"Well, if you want to stay here and face the Papal Knights by yourself, that's fine with me too," replied Sheena icily, "Anyway, we'll be trapped by both sides if we don't hide in the village."

"Okay, please show us the way, Sheena!" said Lloyd, sounding like he was on a quest to find himself or something. Sheena nodded.

"Hey, Zelos, carry the big guy for us."

Zelos went cautiously over to the convict, not looking too happy.

"Me? You want me to carry Mr. Hasn't-bathed-in-thirty-years by myself, are you JOKING? I could get a virus!"

"Here, I'll help!" cried Colette, chipper as ever, "Zelos will have a hard time all by himself!"

And with freakish strength coming from a doe-eyed girl in a sailor suit, Colette picked the convict up with one hand, humming cheerily to herself as she walked along. Zelos, Lloyd and Genis all stared.

"...Are we going to be exposed as complete and utter pansies by girls _all_ the time in this journey?" asked Lloyd, feeling his testosterone levels go shooting down.

"Life suddenly has less meaning for me," added Zelos, wincing.

"Me too," Genis chipped in.

"You didn't have any testosterone to begin with," Lloyd pointed out. Genis went pink.

"SHUT UP!"

"Come ON, we need to go!" Sheena yelled at them, as she and Colette had pretty much left the forest by now.

"Men are so useless these days," sighed Raine. (Best. Line. EVAR.)

* * *

Upon entering Mizuho, there was a blue ninja standing by the gates.

"Sheena! What are you doing?" cried Orochi, "Why have you brought these weirdly-dressed people into the village?"

"I'm prepared to accept my punishment. Go inform the vice-chief. I've brought the morons from Sylvarant." replied Sheena, stoic.

"Sylvarant?" repeated Orochi; "You are from the dying world of Sylvarant?"

Zelos turned around.

"Well, except for me," he said in a tone of voice that suggested that this made him somehow superior.

"I see. Sheena, come with me. You people just...wander mindlessly about the village. Sheena and I will talk to the Vice-chief."

And off they went.

"Talk?" said Zelos, suspiciously, "That sounds like she's about to undergo some kinky Mizuho punishment."

Which, I have to say, it did.

"Like you're one to talk." snapped Raine, since Zelos probably fantasised about having a kinky foursome with himself, Colette, Sheena and Raine.

"Oh, he's awake!" Colette announced, chipper as ever as she leaned intrusively over the prisoner.

"...Ugh...where am I?" asked the convict, in that retarded way people do in stories when they've been captured and automatically assume they're going to be told the truth.

"You're our prisoner!" replied Lloyd, "Don't try anything funny! Like stand-up!"

"I like to think I'm intelligent enough not to be that annoying while I'm a prisoner." replied the convict.

"More like you probably couldn't be funny," muttered Genis.

Now free to roam about the village and annoy the citizens, Lloyd ran on over to the Chief's hut, which was like the only building worth even using in Mizuho. Seriously, they don't even have a save-point.

"Travellers from Sylvarant. You may enter," intoned the Vice-Chief.

After everyone sat down, the Vice-Chief began. For some reason, he seemed totally fine with some random convict being in the room too, despite the fact that they don't know who he is and for all they know, he could be planning how to kill them. I mean, c'mon, he's wearing SHACKLES.

"Because of a certain something that happened ten years ago, Chief Igaguri is ill. I, Vice-Chief Tiga, shall speak in his place."

Lloyd and Zelos snickered.

"Because Sheena failed to kill you, we also now face persecution from the Royal Family and the Church of Martel."

"Is that true?" asked Lloyd, surprised.

"No, I lied," replied Tiga sarcastically, "But what is it that you plan to do in Tethe'alla, land of your enemies?"

"I've been thinking about that for a while." started Lloyd, unusually serious.

"You? Think?" asked Genis, sounding sceptical. He was ignored.

"Somebody asked me why it is I came to Tethe'alla. What I wanted to do, what my goals were. I thought that person asked too many damn questions, but I want a world free from discrimination."

Though seriously, when the hell did somebody ask him that? Did he dream it?

"-I'm tired of people becoming sacrifices. I'm tired of discrimination. I'm tired of being betrayed by everybody all the friggin' time!"

Zelos coughed. A lot. Somewhere else, so did Kratos, Mithos, Aifreed, Kuchinawa and... Well, not Dorr, since he's dead. And Remial was also dead. But I think you get my drift. And yes, I did just spoiler half the game, what of it?

"You are an idealist," commented Tiga, "Mithos the hero was also an idealist-"

"Wait, how do you know that?" asked Genis, "How old are you?"

Raine hit him.

"-The worlds of Sylvarant and Tethe'alla only flourish by victimising the other. As long as that structure remains the same, anything you say is mere sophistry and therefore not worth a goddamn."

"Then that structure needs to be changed!" declared Lloyd, "Yggdrasill's the one that just up and decided he could create the world to be this way, right?"

"Mithos was an idealist too, you know," Tiga noted, "What are you going to do, run around stopping wars?"

"I'm not Mithos," replied Lloyd, offended at being constantly compared to him, "I'm going to change everything my way with the help of my friends, because I have the right to alter the structure of the world without consulting anyone!"

"Whatever, we'll help you," sighed Tiga, seeing that Lloyd was not going to shut up about this, "In return for our help, the people of Mizuho wish to move to Sylvarant."

"What? You want to move to a world you've never even been to?" scoffed Zelos, "Not to mention the fact it's an impoverished hick-world, so how do you expect to survive there?"

"Plothole 17," agreed Plothole girl calmly, and everyone turned to look at her surprised as she nonchalantly sat on some mats.

"How did you get in here?" Sheena asked her, wide-eyed.

"Magic, of course!" answered Plothole girl. "Anyway, ciao!"

And she disappeared in a flash of neon green smoke.

"Uh, anyway," continued Tiga, blinking a bit, "I hereby order Sheena to continue to accompany you. Our first task is retrieving the Rheairds. Luckily Sheena somehow attached a Guardian to them."

"Awesome, that means less for us to do!" cheered Lloyd, "Let's go save the world, everyone!"

As everyone trooped out, Zelos hung back, looking mysterious and broody, ignoring the fact two people were still, in fact, in the room.

"Is he...for real?" pondered Zelos, "How can somebody be such an optimistic moron? Nobody's really like that..."

"You are messed up, Chosen," commented Tiga.

"Shut up! At least I don't have a stupid name!" wailed Zelos and ran out of the room. Tiga stared after him.

Outside, now Sheena was with the group, it was time to interrogate the convict, like they should have been doing about ten minutes ago.

"What's your name?" Lloyd demanded.

"Regal," replied Regal.

"Oh, great. Somebody else with a bizarre name," muttered Lloyd, "Anyway, sorry, but we're gonna have to keep you prisoner a bit longer."

"Say, Lloyd. How 'bout letting the old man fight, too?" suggested Zelos, suddenly.

"...Old?" repeated Regal, stung.

"But he hasn't done anything to prove he's trustworthy!" complained Genis, annoyed, "All he's done so far is not kill us! Oh, let's give him a goddamn medal!"

"But he wants to talk to Presea," Zelos pointed out, "If he has business with her, he's not going to kill anyone until he's talked to her, right?"

"Actually, that's not a bad idea," mused Raine, because she was sick and tired of listening to a load of drivelling idiots and she figured this was the best Kratos-replacement she was going to get.

"Raine!" whined Genis.

"I don't know about this," said Sheena, chewing her lip, "But I won't make a fuss. I also started out as your enemy."

"Yeah, but at least we saw you doing good things!" protested Genis, angry, "You know, like infiltrating ranches and playing tag with small children! This guy's so far attacked us in a sewer and done the tag thing, but in a creepy way!"

"Will you fight alongside us for now?" Lloyd asked, deciding to hurry up asking people's opinions.

"All right," replied Regal, "I swear by these shackles that bind me, I shall not betray you,"

"Um, Lloyd didn't say anything about betrayal," Sheena added, raising her eyebrows.

"I can't believe you're letting this paedophile join our group!" Genis yelled.

"For the last time, I am not a paedophile!" whined Regal.

_Regal earned the title of, "Lolita Complex,"_

Colette giggled and clapped her hands.

"Well, just to make it official, welcome to our happy, happy joy joy group, Regal!"

"On second thoughts, could you just kill me now?"

* * *

Orochi had reported off-screen that the Knights had grown bored of waiting around for them and sodomising each other, so it was safe to go on over to Altessa's, barring being attacked by more coffin-monsters.

When they reached Ozette, Presea expressed her gratitude by running off. Hey, thanks for that, Presea!

"Lloyd, we have to follow her!" Genis ordered with determination. Lloyd blinked.

"Yeah, whatever,"

The village of Ozette had very melancholy music and it was dark. Also, the people there were about as friendly as sharks that had been repeatedly poked in the eye, so they continued on to Presea's house. Outside, Presea was talking to the Desian guy in a green poncho.

"Thank you. Oh, are they guests as well?"

Presea and the man turned to stare that the group.

"...Porters," intoned Presea.

"Presea! We have to make a Key Crest for you!" shouted Genis, thus utterly blowing the cover Presea had just given them.

Although maybe she really did think they were porters. Who knows?

"My job awaits," replied Presea, "Goodbye,"

And off she went, ditching the group for a second time. Wow, I can really see why everyone is working so hard to save her now! The man then randomly announced,

"Only Presea can retrieve the Sacred wood found in the forest, for vague reasons that won't be explained! I am quite glad that she has returned. Hehehehe..."

And off he went. Raine frowned at him telling them that rather odd piece of information.

"That man...he's a half elf," she stated grimly, "And he's definitely one of the most suspicious-looking people I've ever seen. Especially with the creepy laugh."

"He is?" asked Lloyd, apparently only just tuning in to this conversation, "Now that you mention it, wasn't he that guy in Meltokio who was all, "Yay for violence!"

"He's creepy!" Colette added suddenly, displaying her rare but nevertheless present insensitive streak. (Tethe'alla bridge scene, anyone?)

"Yes, he is, but I feel bad for him," Zelos said, sniggering, "He has to deal with the fact a pure hunk of sex appeal like me exists!"

"Pure hunk of what?" replied Sheena, snidely. Colette giggled.

"Anyway, we should go have a talk with Presea," Regal added.

"A 'talk'?" repeated Genis suspiciously, but was ignored, as his paranoia was become wearisome.

So everyone barged into Presea's house, where it was equally dingy and depressing as the rest of Ozette, and also Presea herself. And while I'm on the subject of Presea, she says she had a JOB, but...all she does is run around. Seriously, couldn't Namco have at least put in a scene where she chops would or something? If they think Lloyd unlocking a gate is so important, why not specify what Presea is actually doing?

"Plothole 18!" Plothole Girl shouted, making everyone jump.

"Regal, Plothole Girl, Plothole Girl, you probably already know who he is," Lloyd sighed. Then he suddenly started paying attention. "Ew! That smell!"

"Oh my..." began Raine, looking at one of the beds where a human corpse lay, sounding like she felt faintly sick, "How horrible..."

"What the...that is so not cool." added Zelos, grossed out.

"How could this have happened?" questioned Sheena, pity in her voice.

"Most likely the effect of the Exsphere's parasitism. Presea has no idea...what's become of the person in that bed," Raine said, looking away from the body, "Either that or she's really dumb."

"Presea, are you not coming with us?" Regal asked Presea quietly.

"My job awaits..." intoned Presea again, flatly.

...Wait, how can being emotionless mean you don't understand what death is? Sure, you wouldn't be able to feel sad or angry about it, but you'd know what HAPPENED, surely?

"PLOTHOLE 19!" screamed Plothole Girl, making everyone do the Mexican wave from surprise.

"Why are you still here?" Colette asked, puzzled, since Plothole girl usually ran off after her announcements.

"She can stay if she wants to..." replied Zelos smoothly, slipping an arm around Plothole Girl's shoulder. Lloyd shot Zelos an angry look.

"Nice try, Zelos!" Plothole Girl said, wriggling away. "See ya!"

And she vanished in a puff of glitter, which Colette tried to catch in her fists, giggling madly.

"Let's leave her here," Raine suddenly announced, turning away.

"Who, Colette?" Sheena asked. Raine stared.

"No, I meant Presea, but now that you mention it..."

"Leave her here?" repeated Lloyd, looking from Presea to the corpse, disgusted, "With that dead body?"

"If we try to move her, she'll just fight back," replied Raine, although she was also secretly growing irritated with Genis clinging onto her like a love-struck puppy, "Let's go see Altessa first."

"Yeah," Lloyd agreed, "Wait, shouldn't we get rid of the body first?"

"Don't people get diseases from dead bodies or something?" added Sheena.

"I'm not messing around with a dead guy!" Zelos said firmly, "Let's get out of here before we get lightly coated in mould and angst."

"I think you already are," muttered Raine, to herself.

"Presea, we'll come back for you!" cried Genis as everyone else trooped out, like he was from a black-and-white film with a train, but Presea merely continued running around and staring blankly, so he had to leave.

Outside, everyone made their way out of Ozette when Colette fell over.

"Colette, why did you fall over just then?" asked Lloyd, puzzled, because there was NOTHING ON THE GROUND.

"Oh, whoopsie! I'm still so endearingly clumsy!" giggled Colette. Lloyd just sighed and rolled his eyes.

_Colette obtained the title, "For the love of god, bitch, stay upright for 5 minutes!"_

_

* * *

_

And that's all for now, folks! Keep in touch for Chapter 20!

And, as always, reviews are LOVE!


	20. Slowest dragonkidnapping EVER

Jeebus, it's been ages since I updated this damn thing. Or, indeed any of my fics. I've had the worst writer's block ever, seriously. But I'm back on track, so sorry about the delay! (But seriously, I've had about a millions ESSAYS to write. I'm in the final year of school and it is HARD. Plus, not be a demanding bitch, but the last chapter was 4000+ words and 1 review? What?)

Oh, and this is the 20th chapter, so yay for that! I can't believe I got to number 20 already, although there's plenty more to go!

As always, Enjoy!

* * *

Altessa lived inside a mountain, in a strangely large house considering only two people lived there. Whatever.

"WHO IS IT," asked a girl with green hair, green eyes and a blank expression, as everyone just barged on in like they usually did.

"Oh, excuse us," went Lloyd, "We heard some guy named Altessa lives here."

"YOU DESIRE A MEETING WITH MASTER ALTESSA," stated the woman, redundantly, "PLEASE COME IN,"

"Who are you people?" growled Altessa, upon seeing a whole posse of people in his house.

"Wow, you're friendly," commented Zelos, sarcastically.

"I'm Lloyd," Lloyd said, "We've come about Preseatron. We heard about you from that whiny bitch in Sybak,"

"Leave!" shouted Altessa, abruptly, "I don't want anything more to do with that girl! Responsibility is for main characters only!"

Lloyd pulled a WTF face. Zelos raised an aristocratic eyebrow. Lloyd turned to the robot girl, Tabitha, annoyed.

"What was that all about?" he demanded, "Did he forget to take his pills today or something?"

"I APOLOGISE," came the response, still in the same flat voice. It was like talking to Presea again, except Tabitha actually bothered to respond, "THE MASTER DOES NOT WANT TO GET INVOLVED WITH PRESEA,"

"Yeah, we gathered when he said, 'I don't want anything more to do with that girl'," Sheena said, patiently.

"Why?!" screamed Genis, "He doesn't care if she dies?!"

"IT IS NOT THAT," ANSWERED TABITHA, "MASTER REGRETS WHAT HE HAS DONE,"

"Then please, save Presea!" pleaded Colette, needlessly, "A-All she needs is her Key Crest to be fixed, and maybe lose the lolita thing she's got going on!"

"I DO NOT KNOW IF LIVING WOULD TRULY BE IN HER BEST INTEREST," replied Tabitha, blandly.

"Why?" asked Lloyd, dramatically, "How could anything be worse then living in that cruel condition while waiting to die?"

"IF YOU ARE SO COMMITED, YOU SHOULD SEARCH FOR INHIBITOR ORE," Tabitha told him.

"What? Key Crest isn't made of Inhibitor whore?" repeated Lloyd, dumbly.

Raine rolled her eyes to the ceiling.

"YES, THAT IS WHAT I JUST SAID," Tabitha explained, "HER CREST IS-"

"Tabitha! How dare you socialise!" growled Altessa, having not moved from his position, "Get rid of them!"

"I APOLOGISE. COME BACK LATER- I WILL ATTEMPT TO PERSUADE HIM." Tabitha said, then trotted off to her master.

"Fifty bucks says 'Persuade him' means, 'Ride him like a Shetland Pony'," Zelos smirked, then suddenly winced after the mental images following that statement hit home.

"Ewww..."

"Where can we find In-Inhibitor Ore?" asked Colette, struggling with the new word.

"I've heard it's in the mines," said Regal, as if anybody had asked him for his advice, "I would like to help if you're going to make a Key Crest for Presea. I can lead you to the mine."

"Just what is your obsession with Presea, anyway?" asked Lloyd, suddenly suspicious.

"I am NOT obsessed!" whined Regal.

"Yet you bring her up in every possible conversation," added Raine, "Which is creepy enough when Genis does it, but when it's a 40-year-old convict, then it's just plain weird."

"Inhibitor Ore is found in the mountain range from Ymir Forest and Altamira. It's across the sea to the southern continent,"

"You said Altamira, right?" grinned Zelos, "That place is awesome! Strippers, gambling, alcohol, a shady company where it's never explained what they actually do-"

"We don't have time to hang around at Isle Infidelity, Zelos!" snapped Sheena. "God!"

"The sea?" complained Raine, eyes going slanty as she stared into the distance, "We're going out to sea again?"

"For the love of crap, Raine, get over it! You've been in that stupid EC about fifty times now!" groaned Genis in exasperation.

Genis was smacked, about the fiftieth time. Ahh, irony.

"Come on! Let's go!" urged Sheena, so off everyone went.

"By the way," Zelos suddenly said, as the party was leaving, "This has been bugging me for a while. Haven't we met somewhere before?"

And Regal's response to this question was to stick his nose in the air and follow everyone else, like a complete and utter bitch. Zelos' eyes went all slanty, a sure sign he was pissed off.

"Fine, ignore me and my sexiness," he muttered darkly, "Not too friendly, are ya?"

_Regal earned the title, "Uppity asshole!"  
_

* * *

After racing around the sea for ages, trying to find the obscurely placed mine. Raine looked like she was going to barf, but luckily they arrived before she came through. Entering the mine, there was an ominous-looking machine ahead.

"Ohhh, an old abandoned mine!" commented Zelos; "Looks like it might have a few ghosts, hmm? Hmm?"

"Zelos, are you five years old?" Sheena asked, getting annoyed with Zelos' constant attention seeking, "There's no such thing as ghosts! Shut up!"

"Sheesh, what's your problem?" grumbled Zelos, "Are you having a visit from Aunt Irma or something?"

"I hate it when my Aunt visits," Colette suddenly said, very randomly, as Sheena socked Zelos in the jaw, "She's always pinching my cheeks and telling me that I'm getting nice and fat."

"Colette, you don't have an aunt," Lloyd reminded her, "You live with Phaidra and your loser of a dad that still lives with his mother, remember?"

"Whaaat?!"

"This is a problem," announced Regal, gravely, "It looks like the Guard Machine is broken. Somebody must have tried to enter it earlier."

"Yay violence!" cried Lloyd, who had drawn his swords and was grinning in that simple-minded way, which meant he wanted to open a can of whup--ass on this metal thing, "Let's kill it!"

"That sounds like a plan to me!" agreed Zelos, oddly cheerful.

"Lloyd's ideas are always good ones!" smiled Colette, who would probably drink bleach if Lloyd did it too. Genis rolled his eyes.

"Don't blame me if it turns into some kind of crazy-ass killing machine from a cheap movie," grumbled the half-elf. Raine was in agreement with her swotty brother.

"You always think violence solves everything," she sighed, shaking her head.

"But it does, Professor!" Colette chirped.

"Yeah, you're the one who's blown up two human ranches now." chipped in Lloyd, "Not to mention all the random beatings..."

Raine, with growing impatience, clonked their heads together. Sheena snickered.

The machine battle was freakin' annoying. Also, it's a very inconvenient place to have a boss battle anyway, since after you do it, you're like 5 levels before Presea and she doesn't get any of the exp. Stupid, much?

"Okay! Let's go plunder the mine!" cheered Lloyd, and inside they marched.

"...They're all so violent," noted Regal, redundantly.

The mine was incredibly boring, besides the exception of being able to blow shit up. And that stupid twirling cement block thing. And there was gnome inside there who was demanding potions, but I am not writing all that stuff down. I hate that stupid mine. So!

"Wow, we finally reached the end of the mine!" announced Lloyd, although for some reason, it felt like it had taken no time at all. He shook this feeling off, because since when did Lloyd pay attention to things like that?

"The Inhibitor Ore should be in one of these crates," began Regal, "If we search-"

"Screw that!" snorted Zelos, "I am not going through a load of all boxes! I could, like, break a nail!"

So, aside from Regal's opinion, which nobody really cared about anyway, the group decided it would just be quicker to explode the crates. Which is exactly what they did, and lo and behold, the Inhibitor Ore was there!

"YES!" cheered Genis, "Now we can save Presea and begin our not-even-legal romance! Let's go!"

"I need to make the Key Crest first, dumbo," snickered Lloyd. Genis pouted.

"Fine, hurry up."

Once Lloyd magically made a Key Crest out of a lump of special rock, everyone trooped back out. At the entrance, there was some fatass with a Mohawk and his two lackeys.

"It's no good!" complained Mr. Spare Tire, "There's no exsphere's here, either!"

"Vharley!" shouted Regal, dramatically, in a similar way to how Lloyd always screams, "KRATOS!"

"You!" said Vharley, inventively, "So, you're the one who busted the Guard System outside!"

"Actually, it was like that when we got there," Genis added from behind Regal.

"What are you doing here?" snarled Regal.

"Looking for exspheres, Regal, he just said it like 3 seconds ago," Zelos muttered, smirking.

"I didn't agree to this! Why has the Pope set you free?" complained Regal, ignoring Genis and Zelos.

"Like the Pope's going to listen to a smelly murderer! And you didn't bring us the Chosen of Sylvarant either, you joined them instead!" taunted Vharley, then indicated to his suspiciously metal bitches, "Let's go!"

And everyone just stood around and watched them walk off, a little stunned by this revelation to stop the guy who clearly likes his burgers too much.

"...Holy shit, we've been hanging out with a murderer." commented Genis, eyes wider then a deer in headlights, "And I just thought you were a child molester!"

"What do you mean, 'just'?" demanded Sheena, staring at him.

"I am a prisoner serving the crime for murder," replied Regal, "I understand if you look down on me."

"Look DOWN on you?" squealed Genis, "You're a murderer, you idiot! We're going to do a little more then 'look down on you'! How about, 'file a goddamn restraining order on your ass'?"

"What happened?" Lloyd asked, ignoring Genis and his sensible suggestions.

"What happened doesn't matter." replied Regal; "I'm a criminal. Explaining would only be an excuse,"

"How do you figure that one out?" demanded Genis.

"I don't know what you've done, but my stupid actions caused many people to loose their lives, blah blah blah." said Lloyd, who has seriously over-used the amount of times he's allowed to angst about the Iselia thing without me wanting to DRIVE A PICK-AXE THROUGH HIS SPINAL COLUMN. "It's okay to admit you're suffering because of your crime."

_Lloyd gained the title, "Me? Over-angst? Who do you think I am, Harry Potter?"_

"God, you are the most trusting motherfucker I have ever encountered in my life," commented Zelos, raising his eyebrows, "I bet if a crazed, incesty overlord dropped out of the sky, you'd sit him down, ask for his life story and give him a cup of tea."

AHEM AHEM.

"I say we let Regal tell us his story in his own time!" chirped Colette, "I'm sure there's a friendly, acceptable explanation for all this!"

"...I stand corrected," muttered Zelos.

"COME ON!" shouted Genis, for the millionth time, "WE HAVE TO GO SAVE PRESEA!"

"I need some Tylenol." mumbled Raine.

* * *

After boarding the EC again, the group finally reached gloomy ol' Ozette. And the very minute they got to the middle of the town, some irritating NPC in a hat that looked like a sweet, screamed in a rather camp manner, "THAT'S THEM! THE WANTED CRIMINALS!"

"Ugh, not this crap again," sighed Zelos.

"Why are these guys always showing up where we are?" complained Sheena, "They're like 14-year-olds on Xbox Live!"

"What's an Xbox?" asked Colette, confused. Sheena blinked.

"I have no idea..."

The Papal Knight battle was exactly like the one in Gonorrhoea Forest, except one of them was wearing tacky gold armour for some reason. What can I say, religious people have no idea how to be like rappers.

"We managed to win..." sighed Lloyd, for reasons unknown.

"It's my fault again...I'm so sorry, everyone!" whined Colette, in what was clearly a desperate bid for attention.

"Don't be retar-silly," said Zelos, "They're after my fabulous ass, too. The sexy, crazy woman and Genis are wanted because they're half-elves. Sheena has huge boobs and is from Mizuho, now considered ninja traitors and Regal's a hygiene-retarded traitor as well."

"Gee, thanks, Zelos," growled Sheena, crossing her arms over her chest and blushing.

"Yes, thank you, Zelos!" gushed Colette.

"Stop thinking everything is always about you!" added Lloyd.

"I'm sorry, Lloyd," apologised Colette, which made Lloyd sigh. Then she suddenly crashed to her knees, "Oh! Ow! OW! Ohhh...ow!"

"Oh no! Colette!" shouted Lloyd, even though he had just briefly been fantasising about some minor pain infliction to get her to stop apologising.

"Yeah, you shouldn't be making those noises until we actually START having sex!" added Zelos. Sheena stamped on his foot.

"She's running a fever, even though I didn't actually touch her!" announced Raine, "But what could be causing this much pain?"

"...Move..." said a blank voice, "Please leave this...to me..."

"Presea?" asked Raine, surprised, "Oh, all right, despite the fact you have no medical experience whatsoever and it's not like you've shown concern for any other human being besides yourself until now."

Suddenly, Presea whirled her axe around; nearly slicing off Genis' nose and everyone jumped back. She then bashed Colette with her axe. Hey, I didn't know hitting somebody with heavy objects cures fevers!

Just then, Rodyle popped up out of totally nowhere.

"Good work, Presea!"

The slowest dragons in the world then came flapping over, like there was absolutely no rush at all to carry out whatever scheme their badly-dressed boss had going on.

"Damn! Corrine!" shouted Sheena.

Corrine jumped about a bit, then ran after Presea and lightly bonked her on the head, which was apparently enough to knock her out cold. Also, Presea appeared to have some kind of black void where her legs disappeared up into her dress, which was kind of odd. Rodyle had hitched himself on top of one of the dragons offscreen.

"I am Rodyle!" he cried, melodramatically, "The most cunning of the Desian Grand Cardinals, a title I've totally just given myself! I hope you don't mind me taking the Chosen, heheheheheheh!"

"Um..." said Zelos, "What the hell?"

Zelos stared up at Rodyle from the other dragon's claws, looking confused.

"Damn! Stupid reptile minions!" cursed Rodyle, "I meant the OTHER Chosen! Get that one! The flat blonde!"

The dragon dropped Zelos in an undignified heap on the floor and grabbed Colette instead. Rodyle then resume his evil laughter, although it fell a little flat. The dragons then flew away, in an equally lethargic manner as before.

"COLETTE!" Lloyd screamed after them, as though he honestly expected that to do anything besides shred his vocal chords.

Maybe he hoped the power of his lungs would be enough to knock the dragons out of the sky, who knows?

"Lloyd, will you stop having a fit and help Presea?" Regal asked, quietly.

"Fine..." grumbled Lloyd, walking over to Presea and kneeling down next to her body, "I've carved the charm...with this, she should be slightly less like a blender..."

Presea then woke up to the probably quite disturbing sight of Lloyd, Genis and Regal all leaning over her.

"What?" she asked, sitting up, "What am I doing? Where's my Daddy?"

Everyone then magically appeared in Presea's house? How, you ask? Um...a wizard did it.

"I...what have I been doing?" cried Presea, and then let out the worst acted scream I've ever heard. I mean, come ON, she's supposed to be wracked with sadness and grief and all those other emotions! And what do we get? We get, "Nyaaaaaah!"

And that's ALL.

"Thank you for assisting me with my Daddy's burial..." Presea said, standing next to a freshly dug grave.

And fixing the Key Crest, and finding Inhibitor Ore, and taking you back to your stupid village in the first place...

"Have you calmed down a little?" asked Raine, somewhat insensitively. Presea nodded.

"I've...been a great burden on you all,"

"You can say that again," agreed Lloyd.

"I've been a great burden on you all?"

"Why did you have an exsphere like that on you?" asked Genis.

"I received it from some fatass named Vharley," replied Presea, matter-of-factly.

"I knew it! Vharley!" cried Regal, as though anything he had to say was relevant.

"How did you _know_?" sneered Genis, "If you knew he gave her the exsphere, why'd you let him escape from the mine?"

"I wanted to save my sick daddy," continued Presea, sparing Regal from answering, "So I wanted to learn how to lift a weapon twice my size to work in my daddy's place. Vharley introduced me to Rodyle and I was shipped off to Sybak."

"The experiments carried out on you were carried out by that old drunkard the Pope, right?" Zelos asked, and Presea nodded again.

"That means that the Pope is a Desian!" shouted Lloyd, who was never satisfied until he came up with a conspiracy theory. Raine merely shook her head, too tired to correct him.

"Presea, do you have an older sister?" asked Regal, randomly.

"No. I have a younger sister. She left to be a noble's bitch, and that was the last I saw of her, and my mommy died when I was a child. Listen to what a tragic little life I have!"

"When you were a child?" said Zelos, with a weird little snort, "Heh, you're still jailbait now!"

"Oh...yes, I forgot I look like I just stepped out of a dollhouse,"

"Well, anyway, we can't just leave you in this asshole-filled village now you have nobody to turn to." cried Sheena, compassionately.

"Yes, the people in this village seem to treat her like a cockroach with halitosis," added Raine, bluntly.

"Gee, Raine, how ever did you notice that?" asked Lloyd, sarcastically. Raine pushed Lloyd over.

"I, um, want to tag along with you, if that's okay," mumbled Presea.

"Huh? Why?"

"It's my fault Colette got taken away..."

"Eh, it's not like she hasn't been captured about twelve times already, she's probably coping," shrugged Lloyd.

"Let me come with you as well!" butted in Regal; "It seems our fates are tied together!"

"Yeah, I bet you'd _totally _say that if Presea wasn't coming with us," remarked Zelos, snidely. Genis looked like he agreed with this.

"Are all of you guys okay with this?" asked Lloyd, turning to everyone else in the group.

"LIKE, DUH!" screamed Genis.

"Truthfully, I DO see a problem with letting a technical murderer and a girl who just betrayed one of our group to the Desians join our group, but it's not like anybody listens to me anymore anyway," said Raine, with a sigh.

"Meh. I don't really care," shrugged Sheena.

_Raine obtained the title, "Yes, I do enjoy using my brain rationally!"_

Then, suddenly, Kratos turned up! Suddenly, right there was Kratos! OMG, it was Kratos! He, just, like, appeared out of nowhere! OHMYFUCKINGGOD, Kratos was standing right there!

"KRATOS, OHMYFUCKINGGODIT'SYOU!" bellowed Lloyd, "What did you do with Colette?"

"How should I know?" replied Kratos, bored, "Am I her babysitter? Are you going to bombard me with questions every time she blows her nose or something? Rodyle is acting of his own accord. I know nothing of it."

"Internal strife? How pathetic." sneered Raine, who had not forgiven Kratos, as the Only Other Person With a Brain for abandoning her and leaving her with the Retard Patrol.

"Say what you will," grunted Kratos, annoyed, "But anyway, he shouldn't have bothered trying to kidnap her-"

"Technically, he tried to kidnap Zelos first," Sheena interrupted, thoughtfully. Zelos tossed his hair, smirking.

"Well, my ass is much nicer then Colette's anyway."

"It actually is," remarked Lloyd, sounding startled at this revelation.

"-He will have no choice but to abandon her,"

"What do you mean?" snapped Lloyd, paying attention to Kratos again.

"She's useless as she is now," explained Kratos, only that really wasn't an explanation at all.

"We knew that already!" yelled Lloyd, "But we're going to rescue her anyway! And if you try to stop us..."

Here, Lloyd slashed at Kratos, who didn't knock him on his ass this time, but simply turned his back on him.

"Then I suggest you go to the people of Mizuho. They've probably found your new plot-device by now..."

And then he left, leaving Lloyd looking irritated.

"Just what is with him and being cryptic?" he whined.

"Ah, well, who gives a crap?" shrugged Zelos, "If he's useful, use him like the moody bitchwhore that he is!"

"Anyway, just to make it official, welcome to the group, Presea!" Squeaked Genis, going the colour of a tomato.

"Thank you," replied Presea, indifferently.

"My cute little Presea," smirked Zelos, "I'll protect you, okay?"

"I hope you do a better job 'protecting' her then you did with Colette," muttered Sheena sarcastically, as Genis begun stuttering in a retarded way.

Although really, Lloyd probably only wanted Colette back because he was officially The Dumb One of the group without her radioactive blonde head around. Plus, she agreed with everything he said, which was useful when making stupid decisions that nobody else wanted to do.

"Come on! We need to go, instead of having half an hour long conversations!" shouted Lloyd, who had practically left the village by this point. Zelos blinked.

"Why does this feel like deja vu?"

Everyone promptly left, leaving Genis next to a grave. He stamped his foot like a pop diva who's run out of green gummy bears.

"I'll protect you too!" he said, to an invisible Presea, "GAAAH, STUPID, STUPID LLOYD!"

Lloyd snickered evilly to himself, because Genis had just got Re-jec-ted!

...Or however Lloyd spelt that word. 

* * *

No Plothole Girl in this chapter! But don't worry, I'm sure there'll be plenty of plotholes next chapter!

Reviewwwww!


	21. Sheena's task and one deepfried Corrine

Heeeey everybody! I hope you've all had a good Xmas. (I've been all cold-y for mine, but I've still had a nice time.) I did want to update _slightly_ earlier as a present, but oh well! Sorry this chapter is slightly short- I got kinda tired. XD Oh, and incidentally, thanks for the extra reviews, everyone! They made me smile. :)

Without further ado, enjoy!

* * *

Arriving back at Mizuho and heading for the suped-up shack the Chief lived in; Lloyd noticed a particularly interesting object in the hallway. He poked it.

"Behold!" shouted the object, and everybody's favourite fork-wielding gimmick appeared. "I am the mysterious gourmet, the Wonder Chef! Since we're in somewhere that's supposed to be all Feudal-Japanese and crap, let me teach you how to cook Ramen!"

_The group learned to make Ramen!  
_  
"Isn't that kind of stereotyping?" mused Zelos.

"What's Japan?" asked Lloyd. Everyone looked confused.

"...I can't believe I'm going to sat this, but I don't know!" said Genis, a tiny piece of him dying a tiny death.

"Come on, idiots!" shouted Sheena from the Chief's room, and the Wonder Chief and his striped trousers were promptly forgotten.

Zelos: Close one, huh?

Yeah, it totally wa- Zelos! The forth wall! Don't break the forth wall!

Zelos: Sorry, dollface. -wink-

There's nobody you won't flirt with as long as it's a chick, huh?

Anyway, back to the story.

"I'm afraid you're going to have to make a pact...with Volt."

There was a silence, like glass shattering.

"V-V-B-V-VOLT?" stuttered Sheena, face going whiter than an albino's underarm. "No! Not Volt! It's too much!"

With that, Sheena ran off. Lloyd blinked.

"Uh, wow." he said. "Why does she always have some kind of mental breakdown whenever Volt is mentioned?"

"Sheena failed to make a pact with Volt before." replied Tiga. "She is the reason Chief Igaguri is in a coma."

"Oh."

_Lloyd earned the title, "Waxing Sympathy! Not!"_

* * *

The group then split up, just like the Spice Girls. Lloyd went off to go talk to Zelos.

"It's a pretty famous incident," said Zelos, unusually serious. "A quarter of Mizuho's population were killed."

"So, that's like, three people?" said Lloyd.

"Look, shut up and talk to her!" snapped Zelos, angry for reasons Lloyd couldn't understand. "She seems to have a THING for you. YOU! The guy who thinks the plural of goose is sheep!"

"You mean it's not?"

Deciding to leave Broody!Zelos alone, he went off and talked to everyone else. Somewhere, the unanimous decision that only Lloyd was allowed to comfort Sheena had been passed, despite the fact they were all meant to be friends. So, Lloyd went off to find Sheena lying next to the monkey statues, also being comforted by her useless companion, Corrine.

"Don't worry!" chirped Corrine. "If you fuck it up again, I'll save you!"

"But you basically can't do anything...I can't." mumbled Sheena. She then spotted Lloyd and stood up.

"Well, I expect everyone has told you, because it's totally their right to just tell everyone my business." Sheena sighed, "I failed."

"So? You can do it!"

"What if Volt goes batshit insane again?" asked Sheena, glumly.

"I'll cut him down myself, and then our chances of powering up the Rheaird's are screwed!" replied Lloyd, promptly.

Sheena stared at him.

"You're going to cut him down...with a sword?"

"Yep!"

"A metal one."

"Uh-huh!"

"...Which, realistically speaking, would electrocute you?"

"Eh, since when was anything we did realistic anyway?" shrugged Lloyd.

"Well, okay..." mumbled Sheena. "If you think I can..."

"Well, that was easy!" said Lloyd cheerfully, although he was sorta glad she was feeling better. "Let's go kick ass and chew gum!"

* * *

The Lightning temple, with stunning originality, had lightning-based traps and whatnot inside.

"Hey, there's no Oracle Stone!" noticed Lloyd, cause he was just so observant.

"This is the flourishing world." explained Raine; "It doesn't have an Oracle Stone because there isn't a Regeneration Journey going on."

Seriously, though, who cares? Wouldn't Zelos just be able to open it up anyway? Whatever.

"So, Sheena, what are the traps like in here?" Lloyd asked, ignoring Raine as she began examining the floor with a magnifying glass.

"I-I don't really remember," said Sheena. "The people of Mizuho de-activated the traps for me. Who can you think of who'd trust a seven-year-old do de-activate complicated machinery, anyway?"

"My dad?" suggested Lloyd. "Anyway, why can't we just ask these Mizuho guys to de-activate the traps?"

"They are dead." said Presea, with the emotionally delicacy of a pinball machine.

"Ohhh...sorry." mumbled Lloyd, awkwardly, as Sheena twitched.

"I would like to say that Dirk's questionable parenting explains things, but no, not even that could possibly explain the level of your moronicness." snipped Genis.

With that awkward little faux pas behind them, the group pressed on. And Lloyd being Lloyd, he got bored after around fourteen minutes.

"This has to be the longest, most fiddly dungeon we've done so far." he griped.

"I'm tired..." whined Genis.

"Hey, guys, this dungeon isn't all bad!" replied Zelos brightly as the group was launched into a battle and he ran toward a Lamia, "Like these half-woman half-snake things, for instan- OH GOD IT'S TRYING TO GOUGE OUT MY EYES!"

"Hmph. Serves you right." muttered Sheena, as Zelos screeched in pain.

"First aid." sighed Raine. Regal rolled his eyes.

Anyway, after moving lots of lightning rods and getting electrocuted a lot, they finally reached the dais Volt was supposed to be at and they zapped the final block or whatever. Yes, I am skipping again. Sue me, dammit.

Volt appeared in a lot of lightning flashes.

"...Okay..." Genis said, staring at it.

"It looks silly!" giggled Lloyd. "Like a blueberry with eyes!"

Yeah, Namco have really blown my mind with this design.

"Here I go!" said Sheena, and walked forwards.

Volt then spoke...in complete ellipsis. Wow, Nintendo, you've REALLY pushed the boat out with this one, haven't you?

Because this is my fanfic, Volt will be given speech...from the 1940's. You know, like Brief Encounter?

"I say old sport; I am currently in a complicated relationship with Mithos. I demand to know who you are."

"It's just like before!" cried Sheena, panicking because she couldn't keep up with Volt. "What the fuck is he saying?"

"Sheena, calm down." said Raine, bossily, "I'll translate."

Okay, what the hell?

How the FUCK did Raine know Volt's language? I know she's supposed to be the intellectual and reads books about Summon Spirits and all that jazz, but COME ON. We're expected to believe there just _happened_ to be a book that told her how to translate the language of a Spirit that DOESN'T EVEN EXIST in her world?

"Plothole 20!" shouted Plothole girl, who leapt out from behind Volt.

"Not again!" cried Genis.

"She's like Resetti when you reset the game," added Sheena.

"Wait, what?" blinked Lloyd. Sheena frowned to herself.

"See ya!" said Plothole girl, vanishing.

"Uh, anyway." said Sheena, shaking her head. "I-I am Sheena! I seek a pact with Volt! I ask that though annulst that pact with Mithos and please don't shock us until we're extra-crispy!"

"I have not been in contact with that rapscallion for many a moon." responded Volt, "I do not wish to repeat that experience!"

"He said his pact with Mithos is broken, but he doesn't want to make a new pact." translated Raine.

Sheena yanked out some cards, stashed away behind her obi.

"No! We need your help!" shouted Sheena.

"Oh, now the gloves are coming off! Have at you!" cried Volt, unleashing several bolts of electricity. The group fell off the balcony, landing in undignified positions on the floor.

"Everyone, watch out!" Sheena shouted, redundantly. "This is just like before!"

Volt, however, was still pissed off, so he floated down and prepared another shock for Sheena. Sheena stared like a deer in headlights, until Corrine leapt in the way, shocking the little rodent to smithereens, or almost.

"Corrine! CORRINE! WHYYY?!" screamed Sheena, kneeling beside Corrine.

Volt, ignoring Sheena's screaming, readied another bolt. Lloyd suddenly ran up to Volt and deflected the sword with his trusty METAL sword.

"...Pl-Plothole...21..." gasped Plothole girl, who looked less prepared this time. She doubled over, panting. "Guuuh..."

"Sheena!" Lloyd shouted. "Get a grip on yourself! Kick Volt's ass! ...If he has an ass!"

"B-but..." stammered Sheena, brain addled by grief.

"Volt's.... Just lost his faith in people." croaked Corrine, "Make your vow, and try forming a pact one more time...COUGH...you can do it, Sheena!"

"No, Corrine!" Sheena gasped. "Don't die!"

Corrine disappeared, and that's the last time we'll have to listen to its annoying androgynous voice.

Sheena, however, stood up. She was REALLY pissed off now.

"For the sake of EVERYONE who risked their lives to protect me, Volt! I DEMAND YOUR POWA!"

Although it was a four-on-one battle, Sheena ran in like a woman possessed and promptly began bitchslapping the _shit_ out of Volt. Everyone else just kind of stood back and watched. Lloyd has his mouth open slightly.

"It appears you have bested me at fisticuffs." remarked Volt.

"Volt says 'Make your vow'" noted Raine.

"Right now, at this very moment, as we speak, while we stand here, people are suffering." said Sheena, "I vow to save those people."

"Indubitably." replied Volt.

Volt then turned into a tiny, portable little stone, which floated down and vanished into Sheena's hand.

"It's over..." breathed Sheena.

Of course, just then Undine and Volt appeared in prettyful flashes of light. So no, it was NOT over.

"Golly, but I did feel a distinct rift in the mana connection!" announced Volt.

"Wait. The forces of mana were...severed just now?" repeated Raine, frowning.

"What does that mean?" asked Regal.

"This is the first time the Summon Spirits on the same seal have been awakened at the same time. Because of this, the mana connecting the two worlds at that link has been eliminated, like a breadstick being snapped."

"Does that mean the two worlds have stopped competing for each other's mana?" Lloyd inquired.

"Yeah, like it's that simple." sighed Genis.

"I do not know. All that we do know is that the link has been severed. Eventually, the worlds will seperat- stop trying to look up my dress," said Undine, glaring at Zelos with her magenta eyes.

"But, but, sexy!" whimpered Zelos.

"Do you mean the worlds will split apart?!" gasped Genis.

"Uh, duh, that's what separate means." sniggered Zelos.

"Shut up!"

"So, since there are five seals in Sylvarant, although the last one's summon spirit had gone on holiday, we should be able to sever the mana flow at each seal. Maybe." said Raine, pessimistic as usual.

"At the very least, the mana between the two worlds will separate." shrugged Undine, which she's said about four times now.

With that, they vanished.

"So the seals serve as links between the worlds," said Regal, because, gosh, I couldn't have worked THAT out by myself.

"We owe it all to you, Sheena." added Presea.

"Myuh?"

"Because of us using you and Corrine, we now know what the seals do."

"Oh, yay." Sheena said, a bit distracted. As everyone trooped out, Sheena closed her eyes. "...Corrine...thank you."

"And also, we owe it to Sheena's breasts." added Zelos, sagely. "Because they are a mighty bosom, and without them-"

"ZELOS! DIE!"

* * *

Outside, Orochi was waiting for everyone.

"Well, I can see you succeeded in your pact with Volt. Well done." said Orochi to Sheena, mechanically.

"Thank you..." mumbled Sheena.

"Anyway, we traced the magical Guardian Sheena attached to the Rheairds to an icy rink thing, under the sea. Under the sea! Darling it's better, down we're it's wetter-"

"What ABOUT it?" snapped Raine impatiently, as Zelos giggled like a five-year-old who's had too much cake.

"Oh, right, it's the Renegade Base."

And so with that, off everyone went to find the STUPID FUCKING BASE that is REALLY REALLY HARD to find and REALLY hard to get into.

"I don't think much of the parking here." commented Regal, after five minutes of trying to jam the front of the boat between two rocks.

"I think we're all in agreement- Lloyd is not allowed to drive ever again." added Raine, looking nauseous.

Getting onto shore, they found Orochi and what looked like a Renegade waiting for them at the entrance. Sheesh, you'd think high-tech people like the Renegades would have surveillance cameras or something.

"OMG it's a Renegade! TRAITOR!" screamed Lloyd.

"No, imbecile, he's one of us," snapped Orochi. "He's just dressed like a Renegade."

"Yeah, been there." nodded Sheena, remembering the time she and Raine had to dress up like Desians. It was a difficult memory to repress, after all.

"Anyway, hurry up and come inside."

Everyone did. Only to suddenly realise Zelos had vanished.

"Zelos!" shouted Lloyd, crossly. "This is no time to be having a quickie in the bathroom!"

"Sorry to keep you waiting, hunnies!" said Zelos, slinking up to everyone.

"Where have you been?" snapped Sheena.

"Why, miss me?" smirked Zelos. Sheena adopted a deadpan look.

"Like how I miss my period, Zelos."

"Ew, gross." said Genis, shaking his head.

"I will explain the infiltration procedure!" shouted Orochi loudly. "Come with me if you want to live!"

The group followed him in like a group of lost sheep.

"Okay, now pay attention. The Rheaird hanger is in the furthest away part of the building-"

"Of course it is." sighed Genis.

"-And the hanger is locked. To open it, you have to collect the password."

"Okay! Give us the password!"

"What do I look like, a machine?" snapped Orochi, "Because Namco loves its excessively complicated dungeons, you have go get it yourself! I'm going to stay here and have some beers."

"Couldn't we just smash the door in, like at the Toize Valley Mine?" complained Lloyd.

"No, we can't." Presea said, blandly.

"Because otherwise the door is likely to go into spasm." explained Raine.

"And we all know what THAT rhymes with..." said Zelos, with a smirk.

"Sock!" shouted Lloyd.

Zelos stared at Lloyd, wondering whether Lloyd somehow managed to _inhale_ stupidity.

"Remind me why I'm secretly in love with you again?" sighed Sheena.

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

_Sheena gained the title, "Romance phail!"_

_

* * *

_Ahh, love triangles. The easy way for as many comical misunderstandings as possible. (Weird thing about TOS- I love Zelos. I love Sheena. I just don't like them together, for some reason. Probably because then Lloyd gets lumped with Colette. Ah well.)

Have a Happy New Year, everyone!


	22. Rescue mission numberoh, who cares?

Hey everyone!

Huh, been nearly a month since the last update. My god. School very nearly killed me in January. I hate high school, I think it was invented by a sadist. Also, thanks very much for your reviews! You know how much I like them!

Anyhow, enjoy!

* * *

Anyway, off the group went to go get the password, while Orochi just sorta stood around. And personally, the theme-music in this dungeon made me want to go out and shoot a squirrel with nail gun. And I love squirrels usually. Their tails are so...fluffy.

"This is probably the most irritatingly specific thing we've done so far." complained Genis, after the group had killed like the fortieth person and still no password.

I mean, aren't squirrels just so cute? Although grey squirrels are kind of douche bags considering they nearly wiped out the little red ones...that's really more because of squirrel parapoxvirus though, because grey squirrels carry it but aren't affected by it, whereas red-

Zelos: Yo! This is Tales of Symphonia, not a Nature Documentary!

My bad. Anyway.

"Yeah, I liked it better when we just went around blowing things up!" agreed Lloyd, remembering, utterly oblivious to Zelos arguing with the ceiling.

Raine sighed nostalgically.

Then Lloyd cheered up, because he got to push a block on an electric generator thing and make it explode. Lloyd was simple-minded, you see, so that kind of thing easily made his day. There were lots of lasers in this dungeon, and robots, and Renegades and...Um...

Annnnd...I really can't be bothered to narrate any more of that.

"Finally, we're done." sighed Zelos, fluffing his hair. "All that static electricity was making me go frizzy. Hurry up and enter the password, Lloyd!"

"Okay, here goes!" said Lloyd, dramatically.

_Please enter the password._ Asked the machine, politely.

YUAN IS TEH SMEX!  
_  
__Ding!_

"Password accepted."

Everyone went inside, somehow missing the fact that Yuan and Botta were, like, standing right there, since they were too busy goggling at the Rheairds as though they had never seen any before or something.

"So you've come!" stated Yuan, melodramatically. "Like moths to a flame!"

"Oooh, that's so original!" giggled Lloyd, as though being a smart-ass was somehow an original thing to do.

"I can see your clichéd dialogue hasn't improved!" growled Yuan, and then said the mother of all cliché's. "Prepare to die!"

And a real bitch of a fight came up, like everyone wasn't exhausted enough after fighting robots and bondage clones all day. Plus it was like Yuan had taken some Red Bull, considering how insanely freaking fast he seemed to be. Botta still enjoyed breaking rocks in people's faces and Raine was kind of grossed out by how much he seemed to enjoy doing it to her. (Ick.)Eventually, though, they lost, because Yuan's not a main character.

"Im...possible." gasped Yuan, although he wasn't actually bleeding or anything. Then he turned up the creepy. "Lloyd...your exsphere. To think that it's really evolving!"

"What? You mean like a Pokémon?" said Lloyd, looking at his hand.

Just then, the place started to shake like a bikini in an R'n'B video made of jelly.

...The bikini, that is, not the video. Otherwise you'd have to play a jelly video on a jelly TV, or something.

"What's this shaking?" demanded Yuan, mildly irritated. "Somebody had better not be messing around with the earthquake simulator again!"

"Lloyd! Now's our chance to steal expensive machinery and suffer no consequences from doing so!" shouted over Regal.

"Right!"

So Lloyd and everybody jumped onto a Renegade and shot off like a Goth confronted with a tanning salon and wholesome brown bread.

"Lord Yuan!" shouted a Renegade. "Could a Mana Link have been broken? Also, you should be bleeding all over the floor now, since you just got repeatedly stabbed!"

"Shut up! Go investigate the cause of this earthquake, immediately!"

"Shouldn't we...maybe go after them?" suggested Botta, once the drone ran off.

"No. Let them go." replied Yuan, reverting to being his usual mysterious asshole self. "Our little friend can tell us where they are any time. Now I need to go change the password."

"Lord Yuan?" said Botta, after a moment.

"What?"

"Um, maybe you shouldn't make it about yourself this time?"

Yuan raised an aristocratic eyebrow, which he stole from Zelos.

"Okay, how about, 'Botta really needs to get a new hairstyle'?"

"Shut up!"

* * *

Aaaanyway, the group then noticed a big misty ball thing in the sky, which on closer inspection turned out to be a platform that was floating in the sky.

...Somehow.

"We finally found you!" said Lloyd, zooming towards it on a Rheaird. "I was beginning to get airsick!"

Lloyd ran towards Colette, who was inside some kind of dancing triangle force field again. Upon contact, he was zapped. _Bzzt!_

"Ow!" he shouted.

And then got up and tried again.  
_  
__Bzzt!  
_  
"Ow!"

"No, Lloyd! Stay away! It's a trap!" shouted Colette, as Lloyd went for the force field one more time.

"Huh?" asked Lloyd, because he was so intelligent that he didn't immediately run or do something when the word 'trap' was used.

Suddenly, Rodyle casually strolled into the scene, which kind of pissed Presea off.

"You will pay for using me and wearing those cheesy sunglasses!" hissed Presea. "Let Colette go, too!"

Presea then ran over and tried to slice Rodyle, since she seemed to be the only person who took action rather than standing about dumbly and waiting for the trap to...trap them. Although I guess if you can just kill everything anyway, why bother running?

"An illusion?" asked Raine, as Presea's axe went straight through him.

"No, really?" sniped Genis, sarcastically.

Bitch. Slap.

Rodyle then reappeared again, in an equally unimpressive manner as his clone thing did.

"Wahahahaha! You can have that flat-chested bimbo! The Chosen is useless!"

"Tell us something we don't know." said Genis, rolling his eyes.

"Now I understand why Lloyd Yggy left her alone! She can't save the world! She can't get me broadband! She even managed to burn my cereal! What a pathetic Chosen."

"Stop blaming Colette for things she did not do!" Presea growled.

"Yeah, what a horrible thing to blame somebody for, saving the world." remarked Sheena, dryly.

Regal then stepped up.

"Indeed. You're the one who is sinful. You and I are the epitome of sin! I'll drag you down to hell with me!"

"Wow. Emo, much?" said Zelos, widening his eyes.

"Teeheehee! You inferior beings and your silly jokes!" giggled Rodyle. Being insulted was how he got his kicks, it seemed. That and dubious behavior involving dragons. "Now, my darling pets! Feed on these badly-dressed wretched beings!"

Rodyle then vanished, probably to go work on his evil laughter in the bathroom mirror some more. Two dragons them came flapping over, while everyone stood around and watched them coming instead of firing up an attack.

"Don't try to fight them! Run!" squeaked Colette, trying to sound noble and self-sacrificing.

"Winged dragon. Carnivorous. Excels at the pursuit and capture of prey. Chances of escape on this small platform is one percent." bleeped Preseatron.

"Gimme a break!" squealed Zelos. "I'll pass on dying or getting all sweaty, thanks. Unless it's getting sweat in be-"

"Zelos! Now is not the time!" screeched Sheena, aggravated. Lloyd drew his sword.

"All we have to do is defeat them before they can kill us!" he shouted.

Genis glanced at him.

"What, you mean like every other monster we've ever fought, ever?"

Lloyd blushed.

"I- shut up! You're not even doing anything to help!"

And off Lloyd went to go slay some dragons along with Sheena and Raine. Zelos was in the battle too, but he was busy filing his nails. Whereas Genis wrote horrible love poems, Regal wrote some emo poetry and Presea stood and gazed blankly at the dragon carcasses.

Once the dragons were deaded, Colette's force field thing began exploding or something.

"NO! We're too late!" she howled, annoyingly.

"WHAT IS THIS OMINOUS LIGHT THAT THREATENS TO ENGULF US!" shouted Regal, saying One of The Most Ridiculous Quotes in the Game.

"My feet! There's something wrong with my feet!" Sheena gasped, panicky.

"But your tits are perfect!" shouted Zelos, who decided seeing as he was about to die, it was worth trying to cop a feel.

"It's as if we're glued to the spot!" yelled Brad Majors.

"Brad, we're in the wrong story." Janet reminded him.

"Oops. Sorry."

Brad and Janet ran off to have hot sex with more transsexual Transylvanians. Meanwhile;

"It's Colette!" shouted Genis. "The Mana from Colette's body is flowing out toward us, with absolutely no explanation of why this is happening!"

"Colette! Get out of there!"

"Don't you think she's probably tried that, you idiot?" barked Genis.

"This IS Colette we're talking about." Raine reminded him.

"I can't!" whined Colette, "I-I'm chained to it, I can't move. I'm sorry. Maybe I'm just like Rodyle said...a pathetic Chosen."

No, Colette, you're PATHETIC because all you do is sit around and COMPLAIN instead of trying to do anything. I guess she's used to Lloyd helping her generally _breathe_, so when he can't help her, the fact she is actually really, REALLY easy to capture and completely incompetant dawns on her.

_Colette earned the title, "Makes Princess Peach look like Xena!"_

"No, Colette, don't make truthful statements to get people to feel sorry for you." said Presea, unusually and uncharacteristically sympathetic, "What's wrong is this system that demands the sacrifice of the Chosen!"

Because Presea is essentially a white Incredible Hulk in a dress, she somehow managed to tiptoe over to Colette and slice the barrier.

"Augh!" cried Presea, as the barrier then sparkled on her.

"Presea! Thank you!" gasped Colette, amazed she responded to her sympathy plea. The platform then started shaking violently, which seems to be happening a lot today.

"Whoa, what's up with the ground? Er, floor?" asked Zelos, calmly.

"We have to get out of here!" demanded Lloyd, saying something sensible for once.

"Lloyd, I..." said Colette, just endangering everyone's lives a little longer.

"Colette! You have to live! You have to get kidnapped another six times!"

"I know."

* * *

Everyone started to run off, pretty much nearly abandoning Presea, who was still unconscious from doing her first useful, life-saving thing since the she joined the group.

"Oh, yeah, thanks, everyone!" shouted Raine, annoyed, "I'll just get out of here by myself, shall I?"

If Presea is the Incredible Hulk, Raine is Wonder woman, because she managed somehow to hop on a Rheaird with everyone else while the Dragon's Nest crashed into the sea, prompting another really crappy explosion. They then appeared to be in the forest, thanks to falling through a nearby plothole.

"Is everyone all right?" asked Lloyd.

"I'm still alive!" said Zelos, chipper. "That's what's important!"

"Looks like everyone's alright...somehow." noted Sheena.

"But for what purpose did that Rodyle character kidnap Colette?" mused Regal, because he feels the need to prompt everybody else with his overly-complicated sentences. He is way too high-and-mighty to just ask "so, why'd the freak grab Colette?"

"He said he needed a Cruxis Crystal for the Mana Cannon. But apparently, mine had germs and wouldn't work."

"Pietro, the bumbling moron we saved in Hima, also fleetingly mentioned a Mana Cannon." added Raine, still healing Lolita-Hulk.

"Presea's waking up!" shouted Genis, because this was extremely important. Presea slowly sat up and opened her eyes.

"Colette...are you okay?" she rasped.

"Yes, thanks to you." answered Colette, happily. Then she turned and glomped Lloyd. "And to my Lloydykins!"

"Yay. Colette. You're back." intoned Lloyd, as Colette slowly began to cut off his air circulation. Sheena restrained the urge to show Colette her new Summon in a very graphic and painful manner.

Colette continued to squeal, Lloyd continued to turn blue and Sheena continued to glower. Raine was ignoring this- she was used to it.

"..." went Presea. Then, she smiled.

The world nearly dropped out of orbit.

"Like, OH MY GOD!" shouted Lloyd, "Presea smiled! This is completely important!"

"Wow! Presea has more than one facial expression!" agreed Zelos. "How adorable! Look at that character development go!"

"She resembles her, just like I thought." said Regal, which is an extremely weird thing for him to say. I mean, why would you say something like that out loud when you're so desperate to keep the actual subject a secret?

"Okay, well, I suppose we'd better get back to adventuring now!" said Lloyd cheerfully. "Where should we go now? Since we can just go anywhere and everything."

"The temple of Earth is conveniently located nearby." said Sheena, pointing. "But the dungeon will be anything but convenient, because it sucks to be us! Let's go make a pact with Gnome!"

Suddenly, Lloyd decided he needed Raine's permission.

"Is that okay with you, Professor?" he inquired, looking around.

"What? Oh. Yes, that's fine." replied Raine, duly.

"Huh, that was kind of out of character." said Lloyd. "Oh well! I'm just going to disregard it because that's the kind of friend I am! To the Earth Temple!"

"Atta boy!" agreed Zelos, encouragingly.

_Lloyd gained the title, "Most oblivious person on the planet, ever!"_

_

* * *

_

A bit on the short side, I know, but next chapter will definitely be longer. Incidentally, if some of you are bored, here's a challenge: How many titles does each character have so far and what are the current titles?

...Only if you are REALLY bored, though.

In the meantime, review! They are my sustenance!


	23. Earth Seal and curry

Hey everybody!

Look at me, I updated when I said I would! And OMG, I now have over 50 reviews! I love you all for reading, favouriting, alerting and reviewing this fanfiction! Seriously, you guys keep me going!

So, without further ado, here's the chapter!

Enjoy!

* * *

Inside the Earth Temple, it was brown and it was full of rocks. My god, the originality is killing me.

"Oooh! A sorcerer's ring thing!" yelled Lloyd excitedly. "Don't you love how there's one EVERYWHERE we went? Who would have thought that a tiny little ring  
would be used so much in our adventure-"

"Shut up and get us our convenient powers already!" yelled Genis.

"Oh. Sorry."

And ohemeffgee, the ring changed! And it made earthquakes!

"Let's see what it does!" shouted Lloyd, and did so.

"Eeeeek!" squealed Colette, as the ground shook all around.

Once everyone stood back up again, they made their way over to a bridge.

"Hey, you! Whaddaya ya want, ya losers?" shouted what looked like a voodoo doll in a pointy hat.

"Er, to get through?" said Lloyd.

"Well...since big bro came back, okay!" yelled the gnomelette.

"That was completely pointless." grumbled Sheena. "Why is he still standing there is he was going to let us through anyway?"

Indeed, Sheena, indeed.

"Oh, thank you Mr. Gnomelette!" gushed Colette.

"Aww, you're making me blush, little miss Barbie!" said the Gnomelette, and then waddled off.

"Well, that sure sounds like somebody we know," said Genis, glancing behind him. "Hint hint."

"Me?" asked Colette.  
"Colette?" asked Lloyd, pointing to her.

"No! Zelos!" yelled Genis.

"What?!" cried Zelos, hand on his chest, appalled. "I am not short or as badly groomed!"

"No, I meant the womanizer thing-"

"Womanizer! Womanizer! Oh, you're a womanizer! Womanizer oh-!" shouted Lloyd gleefully. Raine bashed him on the head with her staff, leaving him unconscious on the floor in a big pile of stupid boy. Slightly scared of Raine, the group began filing along the bridge.

"H-hey!" shouted Zelos, who was insecure and took what a little androgynous half-elf said to heart. "Isn't anybody going to say anything?"

"Zelos, I believe you and that gnomelette are different. You are of a completely different species." stated Presea.

"Oh, Presea!" said Zelos, joyfully. "I think I've fallen in love with your little pink head all over again!"

"Presea, you don't have to respond to every question and or bid for attention." Regal told her, stepping over Lloyd's unconscious ass.

"Oh."

"Hey, no need to get territorial, Regal." snapped Zelos, as Presea followed Regal back over the bridge. "You're still the resident pedophile, don't worry!"

_Regal obtained the title, "Territorial Pedophile!"_

"Ughh...what happened?" moaned Lloyd, a bruise the size of an egg on the back of his head. He stood up, looking around.

"Uh, guys? ...Guys? GUYS?!"

"Shouldn't we go help him?" asked Sheena, glancing back at Lloyd, who was running around like a headless chicken and slashing at any monsters that came within 5 feet radius of him.

"Hmm...no." said Raine, pulling out the popcorn. "It's been a while since we've enjoyed some prime Lloyd-spazzing."

Genis cracked open a can of coke, grinning evilly.

"Let the show go on!"

* * *

After the group had a nice snack and Lloyd eventually collapsed from exhaustion, he was eventually revived and the others somehow managed to convince him that all the events above had been a dream and that they really needed to hurry up and make a pact with Gnome, which was partially true.

So off they went to the second gnomelette!

"Hey, whaddaya losers want?!" demanded the gnomelette, waving his tiny fists. "You wanna fight? Huh? Do you?!"

"Dude, I don't think you could break my skin, let alone cause me any injury." Lloyd said, all irritated. "Just let us pass!"

"These guys must be inbred or something..." mused Zelos.

"Just like you." Sheena said.

"Ouch!" said Zelos. "Where did that come from, bitch? It's not my problem you're sexually frustrated!"

Betch. Slap.

_Sheena obtained the title, "Passive-aggressive TO THE MAX!"_

"What is 'spicy'?" demanded the Gnomelette, completely randomly. "I want something spicy to eat!"

"Great, now we have to go and get some kind of spicy recipe or some bullshit." grumbled Zelos. "What a waste of time!"

"What?" said Lloyd, puzzled. "Can't we, like, just give it a fireball in a sandwich or something?"

"You truly are an idiot."

"Thanks!"

"I noticed that at Altessa's there was a spicy smell. Perhaps there's some kind of convenient spicy dish there." stared Regal. Then he added, "What?" because Sheena gave him a weird look.

"No, just...that was really random." she shrugged.

"It totally was." agreed Genis, wide-eyed.

"ANYWAY!" yelled Raine, who was experiencing déjà vu. "Let's go to Altessa's."

And so the group WENT TO ALTESSA'S. It was a cheerful, breezy kind of day, so it was a bit cold, flying at such a high altitude and at a high speed velocity, but it was OKAY because somehow the group never seem remotely uncomfortable or cold or anything after flying on a weird hovercraft.

In Altessa's house, Tabitha was standing next to the table, staring vacantly into space.

"Hi Tabitha!" yelled Lloyd. "Do you have the recipe for curry?"

"WHY YES," SAID TABITHA, "I DO. HERE, HAVE ALL THE INGREDIANTS."

"Wow, thanks!" said Genis, blinking. "How come you had those at hand?"

"OH, I WAS JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO COME BY AND PICK THEM UP, SINCE YOU WERE GOING TO THE EARTH TEMPLE."

"Wait, what?"

"UM. I MEAN. I JUST HAD A FEELING?" tried Tabitha, realizing she had accidentally broken the fourth wall. And only Plothole Girl and Zelos can do that.

"Oh, well, how lucky!" chirped Colette. "Let's hurry and get back to the Earth Temple! I'm sure that poor little gnomelette is hungry!"

"Do any of us look like we give a third of a rat's ass about what the stupid gnomelette wants?" demanded Genis.

Colette didn't answer that, because a blood vessel in her small brain burst at the idea of doing maths. Mean maths, because it was about how much of an indifferent little jerk Genis was.

And maths is _hard_. 

* * *

"So! Who's going to make the spicy?" interrupted the gnomelette, when everyone hauled ass back to the temple. No, you may not ask how they got there so quickly.

"I will!" shouted Lloyd.

"Are you suuuure?" the gnomelette asked.

Lloyd frowned.

"Why not?"

"Oh, no, no reason." replied the gnomelette, slyly. "It's just that whoever you pick to make a curry will assume that you're madly in lurve with them and that. So therefore, you have to REALLY DECIDE who's going to make an unimportant curry!"

"Wow, that's kind of extreme." noted Lloyd, being intelligent for a change.

"Yes, yes it is." agreed the gnomelette. "Now choose from THIS LIST!"

So Lloyd looked at the list, which seemed to have popped up on numerous occasions before whenever he had to pick somebody else to do something.

Colette  
Genis  
Raine  
Sheena  
Presea  
Zelos  
Regal  
Plothole Girl  
Noishe  
Your mom  
Bugs Bunny  
Yuan  
Lady Gaga  
Zelos' hair  
Pronyma  
That angry rectangle thing that was in the Toize Valley Mine that horribly raped everybody who came near it  
Colette again  
Sheena again  
A random Katz  
Luigi  
Santa Claus

"Okay, I pick Kratos!" declared Lloyd.

Everyone face-faulted. Except for the rectangle thing, because it doesn't have a face.

"You can't pick Kratos, he's crossed out, see?" said the gnomelette, pointing with his little stub of a hand.

"How about...the Wonder Chef?" suggested Lloyd, hopefully.

"No."

"WHY?" whined Lloyd, loudly. "It's a totally good choice! I mean, he's the one who dedicates his life to popping up and yelling, 'I am the mysterious gourmet, the-"

"We KNOW what he yells." sighed Genis.

"Yeah, can we hurry this up?" added Zelos, yawning.

"I wanted to finish the quote!" pouted Lloyd, like a three-year-old.

"Fine."

"'The Wonder Chef! Here is the recipe for Strudel!'" finished Lloyd. He received some lukewarm applause from the others.

"CHOOOSE!" yelled the gnomelette.

"Fine, I pick Zelos." said Lloyd.

"WHO, ME?" cried Zelos, standing up and pressing the back of his hand to his forehead, like an impoverished-yet-attractive milkmaid in a trashy romantic novel.

"Yep!" agreed Lloyd. "Go ahead!"

And so Zelos made a curry.

"Oh! Spicy! Spicy!" yelled the gnomelette, and then apparently ate the plate.

"He probably doesn't even know what 'spicy' is." Lloyd said, annoyed. Zelos looked shocked, and then recovered.

"Oh!" he chuckled unconvincingly. "W-well, it's not like I tried with that curry or anything..."

"You seemed very concerned with it." Presea commented.

"Yes, your face was pouring with sweat, Zelos." agreed Regal.

"URGH!" yelled Genis, holding the plate away from him. "You mean I've been eating Zelos' Sweaty Curry?!"  
"It was a figure of speech..." said Regal, staring a bit.

"It's okay, Zelos, it was quite nice." offered Lloyd, since Zelos looked pretty bummed.

"OH LLOYD! THANKS BUD! Heart!"

Talking of bumming...

*Cough*

Anyway, so this time a THIRD Billy goat's gruff- um, gnomelette, blocked the way.

"Oh GOD." moaned Lloyd. "Not another one!"

"Let's see what it wants, first!" suggested Colette, before Lloyd could jump off the rock formation in depression. "Hello, obstacle! What do you want?"

"Me? Nothin'." shrugged the gnomelette. "Well, actually, I do. I want you losers out of my house! So I'll meet you at the secret doorway to Gnome's!"

Everyone stared at the gnomelette as it toddled off, some of them nearly fainting with relief. But alas, nothing in this game is ever quite as simple as all that. The gnomelette met up with everyone and demanded that the party protect it from the various beasties Raine was dying to dissect.

"What?" groaned Lloyd, "We're not your bodyguards! If you don't like it when monsters touch you, why the crap are you living in a temple full of them?"

"Because society can't handle me!" retorted the gnomelette. "Now do you wanna get to Gnome or not?"

"Fine..."

Some jaunty theme-music later...

"Okay, one last thing!" announced the gnomelette. "When I count to three, you should jump-"

"Jump! For my love!" shouted Genis and Colette, without really understanding why.

"- And then the bridge should fall down!"

"Can't we just jump down from here?" suggested Sheena.

"Nope!" replied the gnomelette. "Ready? 1...2...3!"

But Lloyd wasn't paying attention, so the gnomelette screamed at him and tried again. This went on for a while until he gave up. Then the bridge collapsed all by itself, nearly killing everyone.

"GAH!" yelled Genis, hair all spiked up, like a frightened cat.

"You nearly killed us all!" shrieked Sheena.

"Oh, yeah, I forgot about what would happen when the bridge fell." shrugged the gnomelette. "Oh well, you're not dead, right? Bye!"

Genis stared after it.

"What a complete prick!"

Gnome, as it turned out, was some kind of cross-dressing beaver.

"So this is Gnome!" mused Lloyd. "And these are my shoes! And that's a rock! And Genis wears shorts! And those are Sheena's boobies!"

Sheena smacked Lloyd upside the head and Colette burst into tears, which were ignored.

"So, if Volt was Undine's opposite, Gnome's is-" began Genis.

"Efreet!" gasped Lloyd. "Cool, let's go fight him again!"

"No, it's Sylph, you goddamn idiot!" snapped Raine. "Didn't you pay attention in school?"

"Do you seriously need to ask that by this point?" Genis sighed.

"Not really." Lloyd admitted with a cheerful grin. "Most of the time I was either stoned out of my tree, selling weed or lying to the social services about living with an abusive dwarf who was incapable of cooking and answered every question with some kind of obscure vow!"

"I don't know what's worse about that, the fact you're so chipper about it or the fact you're still alive after being fed rock cakes." said Zelos, blinking

"I see that the education in Sylvarant matches the status of the world." added Regal, being an elitist asshole. Raine glared at him.

"I'd like to see you try to each THAT!" she said, pointing at Lloyd, who seemed to take Regal's snobby remark as a compliment.

"Lloyd, that was not a compliment." Presea filled in for him.

"Lolololol!" went Zelos, Colette and Genis, rolling about on the floor.

"OKAY! I'm making the pact so we can get the hell out of here now!" snapped Sheena, who was by now completely mentally exhausted. She had no idea how Raine had managed to so far retain even half of her sanity. "No wonder Raine's bipolar..." she mumbled.

"Yo, wassup!" said Gnome. "Hey, so you're a Summoner, huh? Well, me and Mithos are already pretty tight, mmkay hon?"

"I am Sheena! I seek a pact with Gnome!" shouted Sheena. "I ask that thou annulst thy pact with Mithos, and establish a new pact with me!"

"Wow, what are you quoting from, Latin?" scoffed Gnome, "And why are you, like, shouting? Bleh!"

"Uh, well, this has worked okay for me with every other pact I've made." Sheena said, embarrassed.

"O RLY? Yeah, well, whatever, let's go! Bring it on! YEAH!" yelled Gnome.

Wow, I've used 'yelled' a lot in this chapter, eh? Probably because it's a shout-y world.

So, they fought Gnome and it was basically kind of like fighting Volt, only with earth-based attacks instead. And Gnome had a voice that was like driving nails into your head with a mallet, and that's not exactly something you do for kicks. Unless you're a masochist, and if you were, you would do something easier then getting a hammer, nails and then holding the nails down while you pounded them into your skin.

...I gave that too much thought. Never mind.

So Gnome was vanquished, and a total fucking sore loser at that.

"You guys were cheating!" he pouted. "Four-on-one? Mithos, well, he did it all by himself!"

"Sheesh, what an over-achiever..." remarked Zelos.

"He's so cool!" gushed Colette, hearts in her eyes.

"Yeah, how unfair of four HUMANS to go up against an embodiment of an element." Sheena gritted out, really getting annoyed now.

"Whatever! Make your stupid vow already!" shrieked Gnome, and Sheena rolled her eyes.

"I vow to separate the two worlds and stuff! Gimme your power, bitch!"

"Okay."

Suddenly, Sylph appeared, in all their painfully-colorful glory.

"Yo, Sylph! What's up? It's been like, four-thousand years? Wassup? Lookin' fiine!" drawled Gnome.

"Yeah, it has been a long time, hasn't it?" said the leading fairy in the green bodysuit, somewhat disinterestedly. "Looks like the mana link between us has been severed. FYI."

"Yup, there's gonna be more shaking then a maraca in a blender in few minutes." said Gnome, feeling all important. "Since we basically tore out a mana link, hehlo?"

"Well, that's our cameo finished!" said the blue one with butterfly-wings. "Bye!"

"Yeah, everyone!" said the last fairy in her excruciatingly high-pitched voice. "See y'all later!"

Yeah, I know they have names, but it's not like anybody cares. With that, Sylph disappeared and Gnome turned into a twinkly ball, which Colette tried to grab, giggling like the lovable moron she is.

"You did it, Sheena!" said Lloyd, happily.

"But, y'know, I've been thinking. Once all the mana links have been severed, we probably won't all be in the same world." mentioned Zelos, gloomy.

"You mean when the worlds separate, we'll all have to say bye-bye?" Colette asked, suddenly very sad. Zelos arched an aristocratic eyebrow.

"Uh, that's what I just said."

"Oh yeah! Teehee!"

"Why?" asked Lloyd, who never thought anything through. "Can't we just go back and forth with the Rheaird?"

"Oh yeah, and how would that work, pray tell?" scoffed Genis. "If the worlds are separated, how would the Rheaird's reach them? In fact, how would they get any power if Volt is in one world?"

"Yes, if the mana flow is the only thing connecting the worlds, they may part ways forever." added Raine, melancholic.

"Well, there no use worrying about it right now, when we can still stop!" said Lloyd, ever chipper and irresponsible.

"Where should we go now?" said Colette.

"I've heard that the spirit Celsius resides near the ice village Flanoir." announced Regal, out of the blue. No, not his hair.

"Hey! That's my bit!" said Sheena, annoyed.

"Sounds COOL!" yelled Lloyd.

Lloyd was beaten. A lot. 

* * *

So! It was off to the Ice Seal now!

Only outside, it shook more then...oh, it was just all tremble-y, okay?!

"It's just like Gnome said!" Sheena announced. Um, DUH?

"It's proof that the mana link has been severed...somehow." said Raine.

Actually, I really don't understand that. A link of some kind of life-energy disappears between two worlds (since the links are later said to be like a 'cage', so it can't really be in one world) disappears, so then it shakes in either world? How does that work? Strictly speaking, the disappearance of energy shouldn't really have an immediate physical effect at all. So, boy and girls (mostly girls), do you know what thaaaat makes this?

"Plothole 22...!" whispered Plothole girl dramatically, stepping out spookily from behind a bush. Because today, she was dressed head-to-toe in camouflage and even had a black streak across her nose.

"Whoa, what happened to you, Rambo?" asked Zelos, snickering.

"Shut up! I was trying something out!" snapped Plothole girl, embarrassed. "Later!"

And she slipped back into the shrubbery and vanished. Everyone stared for a second. Then Sheena shrugged.

"Well, putting aside Plothole Girl's identity crisis...let's go!"

Flanoir was cold and icy. Like Raine's heart.

Upon entering Flanoir, Colette noticed some guy lying outside a house, and immediately had to go and play the good Samaritan.

"Hello, filthy hobo!" she cried, passionately. "Tell us, how did you end up here? Please, let us heal your wounds and spread the word of Martel!"

"Sheesh, I thought we were past this phase by now." Grumbled Genis.

"My name is Abyssion." Said the hobo. "And that is totally not an ominous-sounding name at all. I come from a family of demon-hunters."

"I think you might be in the wrong game, dude." Said Zelos, in an undertone.

"Oooh! Sounds exciting!" squealed Colette. "Tell us more!"

"I'm suffering from a curse..." said Abyssion, mildly alarmed at Colette. "But tell me, where did you get that Frisbee weapon? That's a Devil's Arm!"

"Looks more like a Frisbee with an eye to me." Remarked Lloyd, who was ignored.

Abyssion then began to spin his Tale of Woe. (That's woe, by the way, not Whoa.) Which, by all accounts, was incredibly fishy.

"Anyway, please go and collect some possibly cursed weapons that will in no way come back to bite you in the ass later."

_Gained the Nebilim's Key and some kind of creepy-ass sword!_"..." said Presea, staring at Abyssion's weapon. Oh, get your minds out of the gutter.

"What's wrong, Presea?" asked Lloyd.

"...Do those weapons affect anybody who isn't a filthy hobo?" questioned Presea, turning her big baby blues on Abyssion.

"No, shouldn't do!" replied Abyssion, sweating a little. "Anyway, off you go to collect stuff! I'm going to lie here and beg strangers for booze."

And so our incredibly gullible heroes (with the exception of Zelos and maybe Raine) went off and healed themselves at the inn. Then they wandered around Flanoir for a bit.

"EXCUSE ME." Burst out an annoying merchant with a backpack. "BUT DO ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY CELSIUS' TEAR?"

"Well, we're going to go fight her soon, so I guess that'll make her cry..." said Lloyd, feeling a bit bad about this.

Genis facepalmed.

"No, Celsius' tear is the name of an ice-flower in Flanoir. It has the power to freeze anything." Explained the merchant.

"Hold on, then why do you want it?" said Sheena, with raised eyebrows. "You already live somewhere cold, can't you just leave water outside and do that?"

"It does seem kind of suspicious you want it." Agreed Genis.

"Please, if you find any, get me some." Begged the guy. I name him Marcus. "I'll pay you whatever you want!"

"Sweet!" grinned Lloyd. "Deal!"

"I think Kratos' old habits are rubbing off on him." Whispered Genis, to which Raine and Sheena both nodded.

"But please be careful when handling the Celsius' tear," Marcus went on. "Because if you touch if with your bare skin, you'll get burned."

"How does that work?" Genis asked, raising his eyebrows. "I mean, it's a flower. That makes ice."

"...Because it does. Shut up." Replied Marcus.

"That does not make a grain of sense." Announced Presea.

"PLOTHOLE 23!" screamed Plothole girl, nearly sending poor old Marcus into an early grave. Nah, I'm kidding, I hate this guy.

Unlike everybody else, Plothole girl had actually changed into something sensible so she WOULDN'T freeze to death. (I'm looking at you, Genis. And you, Presea.)

"Um. As I was saying..." continued Marcus, blinking. "You can get the flower if you have some Penguinist gloves. An old man in this village conveniently makes them!"

"Great!"

"Why do old people always make things?"

"Eh. They have nothing better to do besides whine about arthritis and how music lyrics contain swear words nowadays."

"...But you have to actually go get the quills from the penguins themselves.

"...OH COME ON!" 

* * *

Ah, frustrated heroes. How fun they are to write.

*points a gun* Review! You never know what I'll shoot!

Till next time!


	24. Ice, Ice, bitch

Hi everyone! Oh dear, a couple of months seem to have slipped past before this update. But I;ve been so BUSY. I hate May. I have essays coming out of my EARS. Also, on Saturday, I had a Prom and got very drunk. But anyway, here is the chapter! (And Hikaru Yamamoto did the title thing, so you get a special prize! ...Well, okay, it;s not that special, but whatever, it's a thank you!)

Enjoyyy!

* * *

So, the group had to pointlessly go to the Ice Temple/Cave to go kill penguins, which isn't really a particularly heroic thing to do. Just sayin'. Oh, and it seemed as though there were, like..._people_ inside the penguin costumes. Or maybe they're like cats. I don't know, Katz confuse the hell out of me, frankly, so whether or not they were people is irrelevant. It's not like the group haven't murdered a truckload of Desians by now anyway.

"Ohhh, you brought me some Penguinist gloves!" trilled the old man, who would serve this one purpose in the story and then promptly be forgotten again. "Okay, just give me a little while..."

Mysteriously, there were inexplicably some hammering noises that followed this, despite the fact that he was...well, making quills into gloves. Why on earth would he need to hammer anything to do that? I mean, it's fabric and pointy spiney things.

"You know, we probably could have just bribed a penguinist-thing to go get the Celsius' tear for us..." Lloyd mused.

"With what?" demanded Genis. "I mean, what would they...you know, want?"

"Gald? Fish? Bags and bags of cocaine?" mused Zelos, shrugging.

Sheena twitched.

Once the one-use gloves had been made (and apparently, the old man just made them for nothing. I mean, not that I'm complaining about getting them for free, but wouldn't he have had to make eight pairs of them? Who does that for free? If a bunch of heavily-armed, weirdly-dressed strangers barged into your house, threw quills at you and demanded you make them gloves, wouldn't you be a little wary? At all?) They were off to the ice caves!

...Again.

"This feels like déjà vu..." complained Genis, who hadn't completely repressed the memory of the CONSTANT back-tracking the group had had to do back in ol' Sylvarant.

"Oh look!" squealed Colette, clapping. "A Sorcerer's Ring!"

"Were you expecting anything different at this point?" remarked Raine, dryly.

Upon poking the pedestal, the Sorcerer's Ring gained the power to freeze stuff!

...Hold it.

"The fuck is this?" demanded Lloyd, staring at his knuckle.

"I suppose it's reacted to the temperature..." said Regal.

"Yeah, but...if the ring just freezes anything anyway, why the hell did we need that Celsius' Tear?" questioned Genis.

"Because exploiting people is fun!" yelled Lloyd.

...Yeah, that's just...I mean, okay, so some random man demands that the party go get a flower/go get quills/go get gloves, which is apparently going to benefit them by helping them get through the dungeon. But there's already one way of freezing shit and a hell of a lot easier to get to, plus, if you're inside an ICE CAVE, why should it be necessary to freeze anything anyway?

"Come to think of it, couldn't Genis just use one of his ice spells to freeze whatever's blocking the path?" added Sheena, blinking.

"Motherfuckin' Plothole 24!" yelled Plothole girl. She was wearing a white T-shirt that said 'Hikaru Yamamoto RAWKS!' Then she shivered. "Damn, it's freezing in here!"

"I'll say!" agreed Lloyd.

"NIPPLES!" shouted Zelos, staring.

"Oh, you're right!" Lloyd said, blushing as he glanced down.

"Not you!" yelled Zelos.

Sheena punched Zelos, Raine slapped Lloyd and Plothole Girl rolled her eyes disappeared. And all was well again in the universe.

After more casual beatings (and several people trying to furtively rub their chests to warm them up), the group eventually blundered into a Celsius' Tear. I say blundered, because why did Namco decide to make it white? Whose brainwave was that?

"Pretty flower!" sang Colette, smiling like a four-year-old confronted with baby animals.

"Sweet! We found the Celsius' Tear!" cheered Lloyd.

"Yeah, that was totally worth my balls turning to ice." complained Genis, teeth chattering.

Off everyone went again, freezing random places that dripped water to make blocks to push around in random sequences until it magically opened up the pathway that they needed to get to. Until they got to THAT FUCKING ICE PATH. Seriously, whose idea was it to start making ice paths? Nobody likes them, they take ages to figure out, and they're just plain annoying. So, after a VERY LONG TIME, they managed to get across, and for some reason the ice didn't crack under the combined weight of eight people. There was an inscription on the wall.

"The door can be opened from the place with a view." read Presea, because she hasn't had any lines in this chapter yet.

"A place with a view?" repeated Lloyd.

"Yeah, that's not vague, at all." complained Genis. Zelos smirked.

"Anywhere you can see up or down a girl's clothes!"

"You have got to be freaking KIDDING me!" shouted Sheena, after stamping on Zelos. "We have to go all the way back over the ice, just to find this stupid 'place with a view', and then come back here?"

"Screw that!" agreed Lloyd. "Let's just move the statues around randomly until they open!"

And so they did just that. It was surprisingly easy.

Once they got into the spirit room, a bunch of icicles appeared everywhere. It looked exactly the same as when a lot of stalagmites popped out of the ground in the Earth Temple, but never mind that now.

"You who possess the right of the pact! I am Celsiuss, one who is bound to Mithoss, the hottie!" shouted a disembodied voice, presumably from inside the altar.

"I'm Sheena! I seek a pact with Celsius!" yelled Sheena.

"You wish to challenge me?" demanded the voice, which was a silly question. "How amusing. Let's see if you can handle me!"

Zelos smirked.

"I said HANDLE, not fondle!" added the voice, as if reading his mind.

"Aw, dammit."

And then the battle commenced. For some reason, Celsius was allowed to have her doggie with her, even though she was already basically a chick version of Regal, what with her blue hair and insane kicking skills. Lloyd got annoyed of this nonsense pretty quickly.

"What the fuck? How do we fight this bitch?" yelled Lloyd, getting clawed and kicked about a lot.

"I don't know, use a leash?" suggested Sheena.

"I meant her!"

"HOW DARE YOU! SWALLOW DANCE!" yelled Celsius, giving Lloyd a good one in the stomach.

"Tee-hee! Swallow!" giggled Zelos, because he is a very mature individual.

"Zelos! Concentrate!" growled Sheena, irritated. Like a rash.

Anyway, eventually the bitch and her dog were defeated. Celsius was almost as bad a loser as Gnome.

"Excellent." she said, stiffly. "It would appear my freezing chill is but a summer's breeze to you. Now swear your vow! A vow worthy of MY power!"

"I'll give you 5, 000 gald if you say 'For the sake of making nipples pointy!'" Zelos whispered. Sheena ignored him, although this time she refrained from hitting him, because it admittedly would have been incredibly funny if she had said that.

"I vow to save the two worlds. Gimme your power!"

Just then, Efreet popped up, because it is absolutely necessary that he does.

"Celsius...it has been a long time." commented Efreet, redundantly.

"I never thought I'd have to see _your_ face again." sneered Celsius.

"While we may be opposing forces, sheesh, do you have to be such a bitch?" complained Efreet.

"What choice do we have? We're harmful to one another!" she cried.  
"Wow, sexual tension, much?" coughed Zelos, which went unnoticed.

"Well, perhaps we should be joyous our mana has been severed." replied Efreet.

...Does anybody else think this sounds like a divorce?

"Who knows. Anyway, we leave everything to the pactmaker." shrugged Celsius.

"Indeed. We leave everything in your hands." added Efreet.

So, you know, no pressure there, Sheena.

Eventually, Celsius and Efreet stopped having their passive-aggressive soap-opera conversation long enough for Efreet to disappear and for Celsius to turn into a shiny ball like a good summon spirit.

"Just one more to go!" announced Lloyd, proud because he'd remembered.

"I suggest we do some research before we make a pact with the final summon spirit." Announced Raine. "Since we basically jumped into this with absolutely no consideration for the consequences, and checking them out now might be our last chance to backtrack."

Then there was an earthquake.

"It appears as though the time between the shakings has decreased. They also have increased in magnitude." Chipped in Regal, phrasing everything in the most boring way possible.

"Looks like the worlds don't want to split apart." Lloyd said.

WOW GUYS, YOU'VE REALLY THOUGHT THIS THROUGH CAREFULLY, HAVEN'T YOU?

"Ohh, Celsius! My cool beauty! Oh, Undine, you hawt mermaid thing!" moaned Zelos.

"Okay, okay, don't wet your pants Zelos, jeez."

Outside, there was a massive-ass thundercloud hovering over Ozette, which was looking considerably more charred than usual.

"That's...the direction of Ozette." Presea noted, blankly. Duh.

"Yes." added Regal. Double duh.

"Good contribution there, Gramps."

"There's a staggering amount of mana coming from there!" proclaimed Genis.

Okay, why is it that only Genis ever comments on there being a lot of mana, despite the fact it's generally assumed everyone else can sense it too? I mean, when was he assigned the job of screeching whenever there's lots of mana anywhere? Does anybody care?

"Hm, guess that's another cosmic clue of where to go next." mused Zelos.

"What did you say?" asked Genis.

"Nothing." shrugged Zelos. "I was, uh, talking to myself."

"Zelos is nuts!" giggled Lloyd.

"And you're retarded." replied Zelos, lightly. "Guess which one of us is getting laid?"

Lloyd scowled.

"Dammit..."

* * *

Obviously, after a huge, dangerous-looking cloud has just attacked somewhere, the first thing you should do is totally check it out. Ozette was all flame-y. Why Genis didn't cast Spread or Sheena summon Undine or something went unexplained. I mean, Ozette's in the middle of a forest. And...fire burns things. Safety hazard much.

"Plothole 25-! Oh." said Plothole girl, awkwardly, seeing all the devastation.

"This is...horrible." announced Presea, still managing to sound pretty deadpan about the whole thing.

"What happened here?" Lloyd asked, to nobody in particular.

"Um, there was a fire, maybe?" suggested Plothole Girl, shaking her head. "Bye!"

"Look!" gasped Colette, pointing.

Some child was just lying in the middle of the wreckage, clothes looking like they had been neatly pressed and ironed. And nobody moved to help him whatsoever, instead just waiting around for Lloyd to do it.

"We have to get out of here!" he cried.

..."Getting out of here" meant "Let's go stand outside Presea's house of death instead of going to a doctor or something." The person Lloyd single-handedly rescued looked almost EXACTLY like Colette, only maybe a few years older and with the colours changed around a bit. The fact that nobody noticed this was totally amazing.

"Are you alright?" Genis asked, stupidly.

"Yeah, what in the name of mustard happened here?" asked Lloyd.  
"I lived alone on the outskirts of the village-"

"Um, then why were you suddenly in the middle of it?" asked Sheena.

"And we've never seen any houses on the outskirts of Ozette. Since we're the explorers of the world, we would know." added Raine.

They were ignored.

"- when suddenly Angels appeared and started attacking everyone."

"Angels?" repeated Lloyd, dumbly.

"Yes, angels." said Mithos, impatiently. Then added, "Those with wings are Angels...right?"

"Well, actually, they're half-elves that evolved with a special kind of exsphere, but that's not important right now." said Raine.

"So it was Angels who attacked the village..." announced Presea, repeating what everyone else just said five seconds ago, instead of exercising a little thing called MEMORY.

_Presea gained the title, "My RAM needs upgrading!"_

"Yes, well done, Presea." muttered Sheena, rolling her eyes.

"Presea, are you alright?" asked Regal, stepping forwards. Genis glared at him and tried to elbow in.

"Yes, but, this unsettling irritation...is this anger?" muttered Presea.

"Or you could have a rash!" suggested Colette, cheery. "Or maybe you put your clothes on backwards."

Zelos turned to Mithos.

"I'm IMPRESSED you survived." he commented. "Are you the only survivor? What's your name? ...Are you sure you're not related to Colette?"

"My name is Mithos." replied Mithos. Oops, guess I spoiled that for everyone.

"HEY, are you a half-elf?" Genis blurted out.

"I-I...no!" gasped Mithos, which was the most unconvincing acting I've ever heard. The fact he backed delicately away a couple of steps didn't improve matters.

"Relax. It's blindingly obvious." stated Raine, calmly. "We're also half-elves. In case you couldn't tell from our outlandish hair."

"But you're with humans!" pointed out Mithos, intelligently. "Therefore I conject you're lying!"

"No, we're all friends!" said Colette, giggling. "Friends friends friends! Happy happy joy joy!"

...Okay, so in the game, she doesn't EXACTLY say that, but she might as well.  
_  
__Colette earned the title, "So saccharine, she gives you diabetes!"  
_  
"Yeah, we're all REAL CLOSE." added Zelos, inching towards Sheena, who flipped him off. Genis glanced at Presea and Colette clapped some more.

"It's true. My sister and I provide the majority of the brains in this group." added Genis, as though Colette's little outburst hadn't happened.

"Your reaction is understandable. The people of Ozette were kind of jerks anyway, so a little effeminate slice like you must have suffered." Mentioned Regal.

"What the hell would _you_ know about discrimination?" snapped Genis.

Out of absolutely nowhere, Altessa and Tabitha ran in.

"What happened here?" rumbled Altessa.

"You're Altessa, right?" asked Lloyd, stating the fuckin obvious. "Where the hell were you five minutes ago?"

"Playing with his sex doll, duh." muttered Zelos, eyeballing Tabitha.

"I saw the lightning of judgment fall towards the village. But what in the world..."

"It was the work of Cruxis angels." stated Presea, mechanically.

"Presea! You've regained your true self?" said Altessa, shocked, although how he could tell was amazing. "Is this your punishment for failing the experiment?"

"Punishment?" repeated Sheena. "The whole village were kind of assholes to her, so what are you talking about?"

"NOTHING! IT'S NOTHING!" yelled Altessa, before running out again, equally as randomly as his appearance.

"Wait!" shouted Lloyd, but he was blocked by Tabitha's arm, like how Sheena blocked Kvar that one time. Are people in this game allergic to them or something?

"THE MASTER BELIEVES THAT IT IS HIS FAULT OZETTE WAS DESTROYED." Tabitha said, apparently telepathic.

"Altessa is connected to Ozette?" repeated Colette.

"YES. THAT IS WHAT I BASICALLY JUST SAID. I AM GOING NOW." Tabitha replied, and did just that.

"I'm going to follow him." announced Presea, although she really seemed to be asking Lloyd's permission.

"Yeah, okay." agreed Lloyd. "Hey, guy who looks like Colette, you should come with us. Since you look like a teddy bear could beat you up."

"But...I'm a half-elf." lamented Mithos. My god, why doesn't he just scream "FEEL SORRY FOR ME!", since he's laying on the poor-little-orphan thing pretty thick...

"So?" said Lloyd, chipper. "I'm mentally retarded, Colette's a dumb blonde with hyper attention deficit disorder, Genis is effeminate with a superiority complex and a half, Raine's bipolar with a history fetish, Sheena's a druggie with abandonment issues anybody can see from orbit, Zelos is a narcissistic sex fiend, Presea's a lolicon with the emotional response of a post and Regal is a paedophile with guilt issues. Everyone has problems!"

And everyone stared at Lloyd in complete confusion, because since when has Lloyd been insightful about, well, anything?

"Wow, that definitely makes me want to hang out with you all." commented Mithos, sarcastically.

"Great! Let's go, new, non-retarded best friend!" cheered Genis, latching onto Mithos like some kind of sea-mollusc.

Raine sighed. Loud.

* * *

So, everyone piled over to Altessa' house and demanded an explanation. Sort of. Because all gamers like very long periods of unfunny dialogue that doesn't end in a fightscene or a cutscene.

"I was a craftsman for Cruxis." Admitted Altessa, as the group stood around him and munched on popcorn. "And it sucked. So I ran off and hid myself in Ozette, figuring that nobody would miss out a wizard-dwarf. Surprise surprise, I was found out by Rodyle, who ordered me to make a Cruxis Crystal. He apparently wanted to rebel against Cruxis, because that's what evil scientists do."

At this point, Lloyd fell asleep and drooled everywhere. Genis pointed and laughed.

"Anyway, Yggy found out and got mad, so he decided to blow up Ozette, where I was hiding out! I am very sorry, Presea." Altessa went on.

"I...I can't forgive you." Said Presea, staring at the floor. "Because now I'm trapped in the body of a small child and also my daddy is dead, which kinda sucks."

"Oh, okay." Altessa shrugged, then went back inside.

"SORRY ABOUT HIM." Said Tabitha, indifferently, and went back inside as well, because she has to go everywhere were Altessa does.

"I think I can understand Presea's pain a little..." said Mithos, as if anybody was particularly interested. "Some things will never come back, even if people apologise..."

"Not being forgiven...is this a punishment?" mumbled Regal.

"I don't think that's right...I can't really explain it, though." Shrugged Lloyd.

"Wow, you just got corrected by a guy who thinks the sky is crying when it rains." Snorted Zelos to Regal. Then he turned serious. "But anyway, we shouldn't force Presea to do anything she doesn't want to do. We should concentrate on what we can do now, letting Presea's anger and resentment fester beneath the surface."

"Wow, that was almost sensitive." Said Sheena, blinking. Zelos smirked.

"Wanna hook up now?"

"Oh! Oh! I do not hook up! Up! I go slow!" sang Sheena abruptly and very loudly, nearly giving Zelos a heart attack.

"I think we should go interrogate him." Announced Raine, deciding to take charge of the situation. "It seems like he knows a hell of a lot more then he's letting on."

"Like making sex dolls." Chimed in Zelos.

"Cool! Can I be the bad cop?" asked Lloyd.

"No, Lloyd, you couldn't be a cop if you were possessed." Replied Raine. "Leave the intimidation tactics to me."

"Presea, do you want to wait outside? I'll...wait with you." Offered Genis.

"No, I will listen too." Replied Presea, and walked off, because which would you honestly rather do, sit outside in the dirt with an amorous twelve-year-old or go inside and listen to the secrets of the world? Yeah, thought so.

"REJECTED!" shouted Lloyd, cackling.

Anyway, so everyone sat down inside and cracked out the popcorn. Also, despite the fact this seems like pretty secret information, Altessa didn't seem to care about Mithos being there or about the random Gnome in the corner.

"I'll keep this simple." Altessa said, glancing at Lloyd and Colette, since they already looked fidgety. And also because I am lazy. "Basically, Cruxis is run by insane half-elves. They want to revive Martel, and so they keep trying to make Chosen's that Martel can possess."

"But...Zelos is a boy." Genis pointed out, blinking. "What if the goddess had to go in his body?"

"I wouldn't object to that." Grinned Zelos. Mithos looked like he wanted to kill him.

"Also, Rodyle wants to build a mana cannon, because he is a prick and because Namco really, REALLY like subplots. He wants to build his own Empire and intends to do it with the mana cannon and his Elton John sunglasses."

Lloyd and Zelos snickered.

"How can he make people suffer for something like that?" asked Presea to the room at large.

"Eh, because he's evil. Desians are very two-dimensional and apparently don't have much character motivation." Shrugged Altessa. "Blah blah blah, great seed, blah blah blah, Mithos the Hero, blah blah blah, Kharlan War."

"That's a point, why is it everyone in both worlds know about Mithos the Hero?" demanded Genis. "I've been wondering that for a while."

"Apparently it is possible to travel between the two worlds at their poles." Announced Altessa, which really could have been useful about, oh, several days ago.

"Bi-Polar, yes, that's it..." murmured Raine.

"Are you finally admitting it, Professor?" asked Zelos, surprised.

"I have a theory about why Mithos is known in the Two Worlds, because I am capable of thought." Announced Raine. "Supposing that the Great War of Kharlan was actually between Tethe'alla and Sylvarant. And the holy ground of Kharlan is actually the pole connecting the two worlds."

"Yes, I've heard of a theory about some kind of dimensional travel between the poles, but yours works form a logical standpoint." Contributed Regal.

By this point, Colette had nearly gone into a coma from all the brainy-speak flying around.

"I'm tiiiired." Sighed Colette.

"Yeah, all these words are hurting my head." Agreed Lloyd.

"Yes, why don't all nine of you just casually spend the night over here?" agreed Altessa. "I'll even take in the exsphereless blonde hottie over there, since it's just me and Tabitha, my doll, here."

"Whoa, Tabitha is a DOLL?" gasped Lloyd, because this was MUCH more exciting than a crazy guy trying to revive a goddess, half-elf conspiracy theories and Great Seeds.

"WELL THEN. I WILL GO MAKE DINNER, BECAUSE IT SEEMS AN APPROPRIATELY SUBSERVIANT THING TO DO." announced Tabitha, before running off.

Holy hell, Tabitha is basically a stepford wife!

"Anyway, Mithos, I'm so glad to finally have a half-elf best friend!" gushed Genis, which was completely insensitive to any non half-elf in the room. "Let's play!"

"Well, alright, but I should warn you that only I'M allowed the My Little Pony with wings and jewel-eyes."

So everyone slept the night with some fusty old dwarf and his robot doll, and also nobody seemed to find it at all suspicious that Altessa was willing to let Mithos live with him, when he was happy to just basically let Presea turn into a key-crest. Heart of gold, this guy.

In the morning, Lloyd woke up to shouting, "UP!"

"Yeah, I know you like the talking dog in that movie, but sheesh, Colette, don't stand over me and yell like that." Grumbled Lloyd.

"No, the Professor's gone!" announced Colette, then skipped off outside.

"Raine left a note saying she had something she wanted to investigate." Genis proclaimed. "Apparently it was way too important to wait until everyone was AWAKE to do."

"SHORTLY BEFORE DAWN, I SAW A RHEAIRD HEADING SOUTH." Tabitha shouted. "IT WAS GOING TOWARDS ALTAMIRA."

"Sweet! Bunny girls ahoy!" drooled Zelos.

"I want to come too! Raine is also my friend, despite the fact I have known her for precisely one night." Whined Mithos.

"What? Absolutely not!" said Lloyd.

"PLEASE, Lloyd?" begged Genis, despite the fact he had basically replaced him for Mithos.

"Oh, okay." Pouted Lloyd.

"That was...easy." Presea noted.

"Like Zelos." Agreed Sheena.

"Cheer up, bud." Grinned Zelos, shaking back his hair and preparing for action. "If you're lucky, you could lose your virginity, passed out on the beach and wearing rabbit ears in a matter of ours!"

"Let's go to Altamira!" shouted Lloyd.

And off they jolly well did.

* * *

Squeeb. Review, everyone, you know the drill!

Till next time! ~


	25. Sibling angst! Ninja angst! Also trees!

Goooood evening, class! Yeah, I know, been a while since I've updated, but last month

I finally finished my exams! Let us now all pray to the Exam Gods. BIG hugs to all you reviewers out there, you guys keep on giving!

Enjoy!

* * *

Altamira, like the great prophet Zelos had said, was filled with sand and bunnygirls. Only Regal seemed to be allergic to women his own age, because he suddenly stopped by the gates.

"I will wait here." announced Regal.

"Huh? Why?" Lloyd asked, blinking. "Are you allergic to sand?"

Regal, instead of making up a plausible lie, merely decided to make himself look even more suspicious by not answering Lloyd at all.

"Not talkin', huh?" Zelos said, sounding suspiciously liked a jaded detective from a black-and-white film. "Oh well, let's just leave him here to brood, Lloyd. What's important is finding my hot intellectual eye-candy!"

"Sure." shrugged Lloyd, and off the party went, because nobody honestly gives a toss about Regal.

Genis promptly started running up to random people and saying,

"Excuse me, have you seen a lady with crazy silver hair like mine, a horribly unfashionable orange poncho and a scary face?"

"Oh, how cute!" giggled a bunnygirl, pinching Genis on the cheek. "A little shotocon!"

"Nevermind!" blushed Genis. He glanced at Presea, looking heartbroken. "PRESEA! I'M SO SORRY! SHE MEANS NOTHING TO ME! NOTHING!"

"..." replied Presea, while the bunnygirl looked confused.

Eventually, the group saw an old man standing next to a grave.

"Excuse us, have you seen-" began Genis, when the guy dressed like a butler turned around.

"Alicia!" he shouted, totally ignoring Genis and looking at Presea. "Is it really you?"

"You...know Alicia?" Presea whispered. I don't know why she was whispering, but whatever.

"If you're not Alicia, then who?" the old man asked.

"Alicia is my...sister."

"Oh, of course." George said, despite the fact he obviously had no idea. "Alicia died some time ago, so she couldn't possibly be standing here now."

"Unless she was a zombie!" butted in Lloyd. Because Raine wasn't there to do it, Sheena took over the job of Smacking Lloyd for His Stupidity.

"Passed away?" Presea said, still whispering for some reason.

"What happened?" Lloyd asked, because he was nosy.

"Alicia was working for the noble Bryant family, but was caught up in an unfortunate and mysterious incident that resulted in her death."

"She died?" cried Genis, as though he had never heard of such a thing. "How?"

"I dare not speak the details." said George gravely, despite the fact he had just told them half of it already. "Please forgive me. Alicia's grave is on the sky terrace of the Lezareno Company. Please stop by there if you want to advance the plot. Alicia would be surely glad to receive from her younger sister."

George then ran off. He was very busy being vague and annoying.

"Lezareno Company? What is that, a cough sweet?" snorted Zelos.

Okay, I might as well ask...If Alicia's grave is on the sky terrace, why is there one there?

"Younger sister? I thought Presea was the older one!" exclaimed Genis.

"That's strange. Presea said she had a younger sister." Zelos added. Suddenly, everyone was speaking as though Presea wasn't standing right there.

"Oh, I know-!" Colette started.

"This out to be good." muttered Genis.

"-Maybe there are three sisters in all!" she finished.

"Oh, come on!" cried Zelos, as though such a thing as having three children was completely ridiculous.

Everyone then ran off to go find the sky terrace of Cough Drop Company, which was located just a few streets from Gingerbread Lane. They had to get on some kind of boat/roller coaster cart to get there, where Colette nearly fell off after trying to catch her own reflection.

Using my MAGICAL STORY ADVANCING POWERS, they arrived at the top floor of the sky terrace.

"Alicia..." said Presea, actually sounding emotional for a change."What happened to you?"

"What's that?" Mithos asked, pointing.

"It's called a gravestone-" began Lloyd, before getting distracted. "HAY, IT'S AN EXSPHERE!"

Presea examined it. "Why is there an exsphere...?"

Suddenly, the translucent form of Alicia appeared! Like, oh my god!

...

Annnd...looking at her, Presea doesn't look like Alicia at all. The only SLIGHT resemblance is that they have pink hair, and it's not even in the same shade.

"PLOTHOLE 26!" yelled Plothole Girl, leaping unexpectedly from behind the gravestone.

"Sup." Zelos greeted her, calmly.

"Yo." replied Plothole Girl. She winked and vanished.

"Presea! Sis! It's you, isn't it?" cried Alicia. "I'm so happy I get to see you again before I disappear!"

"What's going on? Are you still alive?" Presea asked, numbly.

Does she LOOK alive to you?

"I...I only exist in the exsphere." Alicia replied, sadly. "Soon, even my consciousness will be gone."

"I can't believe you're a victim to the exsphere as well..." Presea whispered.

"I can't believe it's not butter!" cheeped Colette. Sheena put her hand over her mouth.

"Presea, before a disappear, please grant me my request. Please find my master...please find Master Bryant!"

"The noble you were working for?" Presea asked.

"Yes. By killing me, he-"

And then Alicia conveniently vanished.

"Lloyd. Please help me find Alicia's killer." Presea said darkly.

"Sure! We'll beat him to a pulp and drag his ass back here!" replied Lloyd, kind of too enthusiastically.

"And we'll not be very nice to him, either!" added Colette, which is probably the most threatening she can get.

"Yeah! I won't let him get away with killing your sister!" added Genis. Zelos snorted.

"What are you going to do, kid? Steal his lunch money?"

"Shut up!"

The group began to walk off, although Mithos was still standing around like a total bimbo.

"...Exsphere's are terrible things, aren't they?" he stated.

"Uh. Duh." replied Lloyd.

Downstairs, two private schoolboys were shouting about where the group was supposed to go next.

"LIKE, I TOTALLY HEARD THAT THE OTHERWORDLY GATE IS OPENING TONIGHT!" yelled one of them.

"OH YAH! WHERE WAS IT, AGAIN?"

"Subtle..." Zelos muttered under his breath.

* * *

And so! Off they went to the magical island of the east. Magically, because it was a magic island, it was suddenly dark when they arrived.

"Professor!" yelled Lloyd. They all ran up to Raine, who was standing in the middle of what looked like a circle of stone tikki masks.

"Everyone...why are you all here?" Raine asked, sounding remarkable calm.

"Why the hell do you think? We need you to kick Lloyd in the face when he's being stupid!" replied Genis. "You're my sister, dumbass!"

"It's dangerous to come here alone." Mithos stated mechanically, despite there being no monsters anyway. "As somebody pretending to be your bestest friend for everest, I can't let you do that, Star Fox!"

Everyone glanced at Mithos for a second, raised eyebrows all around (except Colette), then returned back to the scene.

"Why did you come to this place?" Colette asked.

"This is where Genis and I were abandoned."

"What'choo talkin' about, Professor?" Lloyd asked. "You two are from hick-world! Um, I mean, Sylvarant."

"No. I happened to catch sight of this place when we rescued Colette for the third time and it's been on my mind ever since. When I heard about the improbable story of the two poles, I became certain...The origin of my fetish...the ruin I've been searching for all my life...is this place."

"So you two were born in Tethe'alla?" Sheena asked. "That does explain why you two aren't retards."

"Uh, duh, that's exactly what she's saying." snorted Zelos. Sheena slapped at him.

"It can't be! All my memories are of getting beaten and eating your terrible cooking! I have no memory of this place at all!" yelled Genis, in denial.

"We were born and raised in the village of the incredibly paranoid elves, from which we were eventually ostracized-"

Colette and Lloyd looked really confused by the long word.

"- we were abandoned here because it was supposed to magically transport us to Sylvarant."

"The village of the elves? The one totally secret to everyone except elvenkind? What is this, Lord of the Rings?" complained Mithos.

"Yes. I don't know the details of what happened, but I'm fairly positive that I was left here along with Genis when he was just a newborn. And then we found up in Sylvarant..."

...What? How OLD was Raine when this happened? How did a teenager manage to get all the way to Iselia with a newborn baby in a world they didn't know, plus one full of monsters and stuff?

"Plothole 27! Um, sorry." Plothole Girl said, feeling bad she was questioning Raine's traumatic childhood. "Bye!"

"Then this time, let me send you to Hell instead!" yelled a new voice.

"Who's there?" shouted Lloyd.

"Kuchinawa! What'choo talkin' about?" Sheena yelled, answering Lloyd's question for him.

Kuchinawa was standing there with a bunch of Papal Knights.

"My chance to avenge my parent's deaths has finally arrived..." he announced, darkly.

"Avenge your parents?" repeated Sheena, because for some reason her memory failed her.

"You will die for killing my parents and countless others for failing to control Volt!" shouted Kuchinawa.

"Dude, several years too late much?" Lloyd said, being sensible for a change. "Besides, why are you doing this now? It was an accident, you prick!"

"Accident?" Kuchinawa yelled again.

"An accident!" chorused everyone, much to their confusion.

"I could have accepted things if she'd JUST failed to control Volt, but then she had to go and be a main character, to boot! And just look at her now! Making pacts like a motherfucking pact machine!"

"You have it all wrong!" yelled Colette.

"Do I?" sneered Kuchinawa. "I think she wasn't really trying during the first pact-making!"

"How can you 'not try' when making a pact?" mused Zelos.

"I did the best I could!" Sheena said, desperately. "I-"

"Enough excuses!" screamed Kuchinawa.

And then promptly stood around and let his knight minions get effortlessly owned by the group. You'd think if he was so angry, he would have gotten off his ass and done something more about it. After they killed those knights, like four more showed up.

"Damn! There's too many of them!" Sheena shouted, possibly because she couldn't be bothered to count. "Kuchinawa, please! Don't drag them into this, despite the fact it's sorta their fault Mizuho is in danger! I'm the one you despite, right? Then I'm the only one you need to kill!"

"Sheena, stop talking like a depressed anime character!" Lloyd said, sternly.

"It's okay!" Sheena said. "Kuchinawa, please!"

"Fine." Kuchinawa nodded, sounding a good deal less enthusiastic then before.

Suddenly, however, the Deus Ex Machina appeared, taking the form of the moon, that shone rather lazily onto the rocks and a magical teleporting puddle appeared between them. Abruptly, Zelos' eyes went all slanty and he looked pissed.

"You gotta be kidding me!" he yelled. "Enough of this, Sheena!"

He grabbed Sheena's arm, which apparently hurt, since Sheena went, "Aaagh!". "Lloyd! Come on!" Zelos yelled, unusually commandingly.

He then dragged Sheena through the portal.

"Everybody! Into the gate!" hollered Lloyd, because the group needs his permission to do everything. So they did. And the magical puddle closed up.

"Damn!" cried Kuchinawa, stomping his foot like a petulant little child. "They've escaped into Sylvarant!"

He looked around.

"...Now what?"

* * *

Everyone promptly landed on their asses back in Sylvarant.

"Owww, my butt." whined Lloyd.

"Where are we?" asked Regal.

"Probably on the outskirts of Palmacosta." announced Raine.

Which seems really odd to me. If it's two poles between the worlds, why didn't they land anywhere like the island they were on in Tethe'alla? It seems weird that "a pole between two worlds" equates to, "a tiny island with mystic rocks you can only visit once, and...um...then a random spot near the capital city." It just doesn't make sense. If they're dimensional poles that need to be activated by the moon, what would the group do if they needed to get back to Tethe'alla and didn't have Rheaird's? Just stand around outside Palmacosta and hope to god that would work?

"PLOTHOLE 28!" shrieked Plothole Girl, leaping from a tree triumphantly.

"Okay, now that's just silly. How did you get here so fast?" demanded Genis.

"I'm Plothole Girl, haven't you caught on to that by now?" she replied, shrugging. "Away!"

And she vanished, like the television remote down the back of a cushion. Sheena ran over to Zelos, looking pissed.

"Zelos! Why did you sabotage my suicide attempt!" she yelled.

"Excuuuuse me?" Zelos said, indignantly. "You actually WANTED to die?"

"Well, no, but I wasn't really planning ahead-" began Sheena.

"-anyway, they would have killed us regardless of whether you died. Pope's orders and all."

"Are you saying Kuchinawa is connected to the Pope?" Sheena asked, which was a desperate attempt to change the subject if ever I saw one.

"Well, yeah. Those knights work for the Pope." Raine pointed out.

"I'm certain of it!" added Regal, like his confirmation was really important.

"Sheena, please don't try to do that again! Being self-sacrificing and stupid is my thing!" added Colette, clasping her hands together.

"Yeah, you should thank Zelos, Sheena." said Lloyd, kind of bossily.

"Who are you, my dad?" Sheena shot back, annoyed. She glanced at Zelos. "Th-thanks." she muttered in his general direction. Zelos smirked.

"Come on, you could at least give me a kiss...or maybe even a b-"

"Zelos. You're horrible, and also sexually deranged douchebag." announced Presea. Sheena gagged.

"Ouch..." muttered Zelos.

______

_Zelos totally earned the title, "Sexually deranged douchebag!"_

"Well, what are we going to do now? Like, I'm totally getting grass stains on my outfit." complained Mithos.

Lloyd thought. Scarily enough.

"Since we're back in Sylvarant, why don't we go stick it to the Desians?"

"What about Mithos? We can't expose him to those bondage pirates!" Genis suddenly proclaimed.

"Why not palm him off on the Palmacosta government?" suggested Raine.

"I wanna fight too!" Mithos protested.

"What are you gonna do, give bad guys a makeover?" snorted Lloyd.

"And you don't even have an exsphere." Genis reminded him. "Don't worry; Neil's hair isn't quite as nice as yours."

Mithos pouted.

"Okay, fine, whatever."

* * *

Getting to Palmacosta, absolutely nothing had changed about it whatsoever, except for Zelos running around hitting on everything in the skirt. They got to what was previously known as Dorr's Pad, but is now Neil's Pad.

"Oh, Chosen One!" Neil said, delighted. "How is your journey of regeneration going?"

"Oh, it was really, really fun! ...Except for the part when it turned out I was a sacrificial lamb for a crazy race of half-elves..." Colette replied, proud at using a big word like 'sacrificial', despite not knowing what it meant. Neil stared.

"What?"

"It's going great!" Lloyd yelled. "It's not a conspiracy theory!"

"Oh, okay then."

"Anyway, can you look after our friend here?" Lloyd added. "He's pretty much useless and his shemale looks are getting annoying."

"Well, he is very pretty, so okay." shrugged Neil. "Oh yeah, are you guys going to the Palmacosta Ranch?"

"What are you talking about? Raine went all hacker-terrorist on it." Genis asked.

"Oh, well, some shady people were reported hanging around there, so I thought I'd just take advantage of your inability to ignore gossip and go check it out."

"Sounds awesome! Let's go!" Lloyd cried, happy at the prospect of more stabbity.

Just as everyone was leaving, Mithos turned to Genis.

"Genis, take this!"

Genis stared at his palm, where there was nothing there.

"Um, what's this?"

"It's your hand." Mithos stated, blinking. Then he remembered people in this game like to hand each other invisible objects. "It's a flute!"

"Great! I can't play the flute." Genis pointed out.

"It's a memento of my sister's, who died. I don't know what it does, but maybe it will come in useful?"

"Probably. Oh, I mean, oh no! I can't possibly accept this!" Genis cried, putting up some token resistance.

"Take it." Mithos said.

"Yeah, okay then."

* * *

When they got to the Palmacosta Ranch, there was Botta and his hideous hair!

"We've been waiting for you." Botta announced, trying to seem cool. It didn't work.

"Are you saying you were expecting us to come here?" Regal countered.

Botta stared at him.

"Uh, yes, you retard." Botta stated, flatly.

"Oh."

"Anyway, we have more important things to tell you to do, such as joining forces with us." Continued Botta.

"Unbefuckinglievable." Raine said coldly. "You actually expect us to trust you after all you've done to dumb and dumber over here?"

"The circumstances have changed." Announced Yuan, also showing up.  
"Yuan!" yelled Sheena, rather randomly.

"What?" he said, looking at her.

"Oh, nothing."

"Okay then."

Seriously, in the game, she just shouts, "Yuan!" like that. I know he just turned up, but still.

"Do you know of the Great Kharlan tree?" Yuan went on.

"I know about the Muffin Man!" Lloyd announced. Yuan raised his eyebrows.

"The Muffin Man?"

"The Muffin Man." Nodded Lloyd.

"Who lives on Drury Lane?" questioned Yuan.

Lloyd nodded again.

"She's married to the Muffin Man."

"The Muffin Man?"

"The Muffin Man!" yelled Lloyd.

"ANYWAY!" shouted Zelos. "The tree of life that is said to produce infinite mana?"

"Yes. Blah blah, Kharlan War, blah blah, Great Seed, blah blah blah." Said Yuan, because this is really boring. "The Great Seed is absolutely vital in reuniting the two worlds."

"Reunite the two worlds?" shouted Lloyd.

"Yes, I just said that. I told you before Yggdrasill created the two worlds. What I actually meant was that it used to be one, then Yggdrasill ripped it in two, because he's an effeminate ass like that."

"He did have a girly ass." Agreed Lloyd. Raine groaned in distress.

"It wasn't as nice as mine, was it?" Zelos asked, anxiously.

"Nah." reassured Lloyd. Zelos swept his hair back in relief.

"Blah blah blah, supply of mana, blah blah, germinate the Great Seed, blah blah, Summon Spirits, blah blah, mana cannon."

"So you're s double agents trying to stop the revival of Martel and germinate the Great Seed to put the world back together and you need us because we have Sheena, a summoner?" Raine filled in for the benefit of the reader, because this scene is boring.

"So in other words, you're a traitor." Zelos said, which was ignored, except for Yuan glaring at him pointedly.

"Exactly. And we want you to go kill Rodyle and stop that ridiculous, cartoony mana cannon" Nodded Yuan. "So we're teaming up, hooray. Talk to Botta when you want to go kick some ass. I have a lot of mysterious things to be doing."

And Yuan went off. Lloyd did indeed talk to Botta, and it was on the way to the Remote Human Ranch!

"Okay, just before you go in, no smoking, no flash photography, and no blowing the ranch up." Botta told them, outside the Human Ranch. "We need the mana generator to germinate the Great Seed, so try to restrain yourselves from imitating every action movie ever."

"Hear that, Raine?" Sheena said, looking at her.

"I'm not gonna lie- I do enjoy it." Agreed Raine.

"You need to go to the Control room to stop Rodyle." Added Botta.

"Great! Farthest room, tallest tower!" shouted Lloyd, proud that he'd remembered. "Let's go, bitches!"

"I did want to blow it up..." sighed Raine, reminiscing.

______

_Raine gained the title, "Demolition expert!"  
_


	26. Oh noez! Sea water!

'Sup everybody!

I'm a little late with this chapter again. (Wrote it quite fast, though.) I have to say, though, kinda disappointed by the lack of reviews recently. There's been like a strange shortage around this website lately. -shrug- Oh yeah, and I got my exam results a few days ago. Guess who's going to University? :)

Anyway, enjoy!

* * *

Rodyle's ranch was as ridiculously complicated as all the other ones had been, surprise surprise. Because it's been AGES since I've actually gone through this particular bit of the game,  
imma use my magical skipping powers!

FINALLY, they reached the top floor and rushed into to the room where Rodyle was going to be. (According to the script, anyway.)

"Well, I see the fail Chosen and her travelling band of idiots are still alive!" sneered Rodyle. "You're as stubborn as cockroaches!"

"Yeah, you'd know." jeered Genis.

"You and Vharley fatass...deceived me." stated Presea.

"Presea, I would have treated you so much better if you had made me a Key Crest in that little body of yours!" Rodyle said, in an incredibly creepy manner.

"Whoa, Regal, he's almost as big a pedophile as you!" commented Zelos.

"Shut up!" whined Regal.

"DIE!" hissed Presea.

...

Crickets chirped...

And...she just stood there and did nothing.

AWKWARD.

"Presea, honey, when you make death-threats like that, you're supposed to at least act like you intend to follow them through..." Raine said to her.

Rodyle giggled shrilly, sounding increasingly camp as he did so.

"Now now, settle down or you'll get overexcited! I have a special underwater show for you!"

"Oh boy! I hope it has sea lions! And dolphins! And penguins! And killer whales!" said Colette, getting hyperactive at the thought of cuddly aquatic mammals doing stupid things for the entertainment of humans.

On the monitor, it showed the ranch captives trying to escape, only for the levels of water to start rising and stuff.

"How...could you do that?" gasped Genis, as though we haven't established that Rodyle is a complete prick by now.

"They'll all be killed!" shouted Colette, redundantly. Yes, Colette, humans tend to have trouble breathing underwater.

"Damn you!" added Regal.

"Wow, that was like, stupid cubed." Zelos remarked.

"You bastard!" yelled Lloyd. "Stop the water, now!"

"It's too late!" Rodyle replied.

Lloyd, since he is a do-er, not a thinker (or a person who just stands around and yells things), he drew his sword.

"I know why you've come here!" Rodyle proclaimed. "I'm sure you intend to shut down my mana cannon! But you won't succeed! I've filled the corridor leading to the mana cannon with SEA WATER!"

"lol, semen." giggled Zelos, because he is immature and has no concept of when sexual innuendo is inappropriate.

Although when Rodyle screams SEA WATER all diabolically like that, it makes me lol. Sea water is not exactly the most threatening two words in the world to say. If he had said, "Acid!" or "Lava!" or even "Fangirl saliva!" then yeah, that would have at least been a little menacing. But no, he had to go and scream SEA WATER!

"You're going to kill all those people just to stop us?" cried Lloyd.

"Who cares! I told you, I'm a two-dimensional megalomaniac! Once I get the Cruxis Crystal, the Mana cannon will be completed! With Thor's Hammer in my possession, Cruxis and Yggdrasill will be begging for my mercy! Even that unfeasibly tall tower will fall!"

"But it's not a hammer, it's a cannon!" Lloyd said. "What do you hope to accomplish by destroying the Tower of Salvation?"

"Mind you own damn business!" was essentially the reply, before Rodyle did a COMPLETELY RETARDED THING and equipped the Cruxis Crystal on himself. I mean, I thought he was supposed to be the smart one? Even Magnius knew that putting on an exsphere without a key crest would fuck you up big time, for god's sake! How did he forget something as basic as that? Not a plothole, but seriously!

Anyway, Rodyle was fuck-ugly. Then he turned into a monster and there wasn't really much difference.

Finally, they sprung into battle, after having an extremely long conversation. They kicked his ass.

Rodyle then clutched his chest with his rolling-pin of an arm and spoke in an even weirder voice than normal.

"What's...happening? My body...my body is disintegrating! Pronyma, you stupid ho, you tricked me!"

Rodyle then moved with the speed and grace of an elephant being shot with a tranquilizer dart and flopped onto the controller. And...everybody just stood around and watched him do it.

"But I won't die alone! I'm taking you all with me!" he gurgled, before bashing the button with his fist and then promptly dying.

...Um. Yeah.

"Plothole 29! Why the hell didn't you guys, you know, stop him?" Plothole Girl yelled.

"Oh snap! He's activated the self-destruct button!" gasped Raine.

"Botta warned us not to destroy this place!" added Colette.

"Thank you for that totally useless advice, there, blondie."

The group examined the machinery, despite the fact that none of them really had any idea how to work it in the first place.

"Impossible. The only one of us who can handle this machinery is Raine." stated Presea.

"Most Tethe'allans don't study the details of magitechnology very much." added Zelos. "We're too busy being decadent and tech-savvy."

Um. SO?

_Zelos gained the title, "Mr. Irrelevant!"_

"Professor!" yelled Lloyd, just to add on the pressure a little more.

"I know! But I can't do this alone!" shouted Raine, making an obscure Chicago reference.

Just then, Botta and his dispensable minions turned up at the last minute to save the group's collective ass.

"We'll take it from here! All of you escape through the hatch; your incompetence is tainting the air!" Botta announced.

"Botta!" shouted Lloyd randomly, obeying the law that every time a new character appears, you have to yell their name. "You're okay!"

"What? It's not like we were in danger before or anything. Look, just shut up and get out!"

The group ran out of the room via the hatch while Botta and his minions started pressing random buttons on the machines. Just then, the hatch slammed shut and water kind of lazily started to appear in the room.

"Oh noes!" shouted Lloyd. "We've gotta open that door!"

Lloyd and Genis, for some reason, both tried yanking open the door. And they failed miserably.

"Agh, it won't budge!"

"Move!" Regal suddenly said, kind of rudely.

Regal started kicking the door, looking equally as ridiculous as Lloyd and Genis had.

"Botta did this on purpose. They knew Rodyle's unstoppable sea water was coming and locked it from the inside." Raine announced, melancholic.

"Why would they do that?"

Gee, why do you think?

"Because there isn't anywhere for the water to escape to, you idiot."

"They did it...to save us?" Presea asked slowly. Duh.

"We've stopped the self-destruct system. And apparently, the self-destruct system is also waterproof, which is kind of lucky for us." announced Botta, over the intercom.

So they can stop a self-destruct system, but they can't stop a little bit of sea water? What the fudge?

"Botta, open the goddamn door! If we can destroy the dome overhead..." began Lloyd, actually having a useful idea.

"Our goal was to modify each ranch's mana reactor in order to fire mana at the Great Seed. Now that we've done that, our mission is complete and we kinda have no reason to live anymore. Tell Yuan that we did that thing we'd say we'd do."

"Tell him yourself!" shouted Lloyd. "And couldn't you have just retired or something? You don't need to kill yourself, goddamn!"

"We pray for your success in sticking it to Yggdrasill. Bye."

And the screen closed so that everyone wouldn't be able to watch three people commit suicide by drowning.

"No!" squealed Colette.

"Man..." Zelos said, whether he was sad or disappointed he couldn't see the Death by Sea Water was anybody's guess.

"Everyone, behind you!" Presea gasped suddenly.

Some blue dragons came flapping lazily out of their cages. Instead of flying straight towards everyone and trying to kill them, they just hovered there, allowing for a few more lines of pointless dialogue.

"What are they?" cried Lloyd.

"Unicorns, what the fuck do you think?" yelled Zelos.

"They look like transport dragons. Their cages probably opened when the retarded scientist pressed the self-destruct button." Raine commented.

THEN the battle started. It was kind of easy.

Another three dragons were still there after the battle. For some reason, everyone simultaneously failed at counting for a minute.

"There's too many of them!" cried Sheena.

"If we lose, we'll never be able to pass on Botta's message!" gasped Colette, wide-eyed.

"Screw Botta's message! If we lose, we'll, like, DIE!" shouted Zelos. "And my hair will lose its shape and bounce!"

"Mithos!"  
Genis pulled out Mithos' flute and blew it. (Oh, shut up.)

A gigantic red-gold thing flew over the dome, firing its lasers, sending them crashing down on the three dragons, who let out ear-piercing shrieks before dying and vanishing into nothing. Everyone craned their necks up.

"Was that a summon spirit?" asked Genis.

"Either that or Santa!" added Colette, seriously.

"Genis! Raine! All you other useless people!" shouted a distinctly feminine voice. "Please, get on these Rheairds!"

"What the hell is Mithos doing here?" Lloyd demanded.

"Let's worry about the how and why and what-the-fuck later." replied Raine.

"Um, how are we going to get on Rheaird's from up there if we're down here?" asked Sheena.

Magic was apparently the answer, as the next second, the game sorta awkwardly cut to everybody flying on Rheairds.

"Mithos! It's really you! But how the hell did you pull that attack out of your ass? And where did you get a Rheaird?"

"Oh, I just stole one. I heard you play the flute and then a golden sparkling bird just came along and helped me."

"Golden sparkling bird?" Zelos repeated, raising his eyebrows. "Deus Ex Machina, more like."

"Could it be...Aska?" asked Sheena, sounding surprised.

"Maybe Genis summoned him when he played Mithos' flute." said Raine. "We should investigate it to find out the truth!" she added, grinning slightly manically at the idea of doing more scientific research things.

"Um, you guys just magically escaped mortal peril, shouldn't you rest first?" pointed out Mithos. "Let's head back to Palmacosta. I left Neil in the middle of giving him a makeover."

"Yeah." agreed Lloyd, rather stupidly.

"Thank you Mithos! You're so amazing!" gushed Genis. "I'm so happy we're friends!"

Guilt. Trip.

"Yes, me too..." added Mithos, looking away.

"Um. Guys?" Sheena piped up, suddenly. "What about all those prisoners we left behind at the ranch?"

Everyone glanced at each other.

"Shit."

* * *

Arriving back at Palmacosta, they found Neil sitting in a chair with his hair done up in rollers.

"Mithos! I've been sitting here for like twenty minutes! What the hell?"

"Sorry." shrugged Mithos, tossing his own blonde mane.

"By the way, the Palmacosta ranch isn't operational." Raine told him.

"Here's your flute back, Mithos!" Genis said suddenly, when he pulled out the flute to see that it was broken. "...Oh."

"It's broken!" stated Lloyd, helpfully.

"I'm sorry Mithos!" Genis said, not acting like a pompous ass for once.

"Maybe I can fix it? I am an expert craftsman, after all." added Lloyd, puffing up his chest importantly. Raine and Sheena discreetly rolled their eyes.

"Did the flute have any special powers?" prodded Raine.

"Not that I know of." Mithos said, twitching. "But it was made from an extinct nut."

"That knowledge could be useful later on!" Raine said, excitedly. "Research! Breakthrough! SCIENCE!"

"Anyway, what now?" prompted Zelos, getting bored of talking about flutes.

"We should go tell Yuan about Botta." added Colette, sorrowfully.

"Especially since Mithos committed Grand Theft Auto." added Zelos, glancing at Raine with raised eyebrows.

"Ugh, I'd hate to have to do that." Lloyd muttered.

Everyone stared at him. Lloyd blinked.

"What? Have I got something stuck on my face?"

The group then went off to the Renegade Base, and they let Mithos tag along with them for some reason. Mithos decided to wait outside, even though the desert sun could, like, totally make his hair frizzy.

"Uh, hey Yuan." Lloyd said awkwardly, since as usual he had been pressed-ganged into delivering the bad news. "Botta's dead and stuff."

"Oh, okay." shrugged Yuan.

"Well, that was easy!"

"By the way, a friend of ours borrowed a Rheaird from you." Raine said. Yuan looked slightly confused.

"Borrowed one of our Rheairds?" he muttered to himself.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing, we might as well take it. Go ask our staff about the interdimensional transfer system." replied Yuan.

"Dude, don't you care about Botta?" Lloyd piped up. "Wasn't he, like, your bitch?"

"Lloyd, let him grieve in his own can-hardly-be-bothered way." Zelos told him.

"Sorry, Yuan." apologized Lloyd.

Yuan sniffed.

"Just get out. You're tracking mud all over my carpet."

When the group left, however, Yuan decided to talk out loud to himself. For foreshadowing, you see.

"What the fuck?"

The group then went off to Altessa's place, like Mithos was a housecat that they didn't want to take on holiday.

"Goodbye, Mithos, we'll see you again soon!" Genis said.

"Yes, thank you all. And Presea, good luck with finding your sister's killer." Mithos added to Presea, before disappearing inside the house.

"Her sister's killer?" Regal repeated.

"Oh yeah, Regal doesn't know because of his stupid phobia of Altamira!" Lloyd said. "Presea's sister was killed by her master."

"Hey, come on, this isn't really the best time to talk about gloomy stuff like that." Zelos said randomly. "Let's talk about my hair instead!"

"We're not exactly busy at the moment." Genis reminded him.

"He's a monster-!" began Sheena angrily.

"That boy is a monster! Oh, oh, oh monster!" sang out Lloyd, for no apparent reason.

"- how can he kill a child that way?" she continued, ignoring Lloyd's singing.

"Presea, what was your sister called?" Regal asked her, sounding more and more suspicious."

"Alicia." Presea answered.

"I see. Take me to Altamira. I think I might know who the killer is." announced Regal, gravely.

Zelos rolled his eyes at the pathetic attempt at being subtle.

* * *

At the Cough Drop Company, Vharley was hassling the butlar guy.

"Tell me the password to the Toy Mine! Now!"

"I don't know anything about it!" cried George.

"Wrong answer!"

"How about I tell you instead?" Regal said.

"Well, well, it looks like President Bellyshirt had come to pay a visit himself." sneered Vharley, because he SO had the right to comment on other people's appearances.

"President?" said Lloyd.

"The mine opens by my voice and cornea scan-"

"Oh! Do you have one on you?" asked Zelos.

"No, cornea, not corona."

"Dammit."

"- so trying to force the mine open would make it collapse."

"I see. In that case, Regal, you'll just have to COME! OPEN IT FOR US!" growled Vharley.

"I think not. Anyway, Rodyle is dead; you have nobody to offload stones containing people's consciousness on." Regal replied.

"Are you stupid? I don't need that dragonphiliac! I have the Pope himself on my side!"

"I bet he's got the Pope somewhere else, too..." coughed Zelos.

"That's enough!" said Presea, Zelos' perverted jokes flying completely over her head. A bit like an airplane. "I cannot forgive you for killing an innocent person or for wearing that level of leather!"

Before Presea could slice Vharley like so much bread, Kuchinawa magically appeared.

"Kuchinawa! You're working with this guy?" cried Sheena, kind of asking the farking obvious.

Kuchinawa ran over to Vharley and disappeared by tossing a smoke-bomb. Poof. They vanished.

"Are you alright, George?" asked Regal, stepping over.

"Yes, master Regal, thank you." fluttered George.

Jazz music started to play as Regal started explaining his fricking obvious backstory, for some reason.

"My name is Regal Bryant. I was granted the title of Duke, blah blah, President of the Lezareno Company, blah blah. Although it seems that the Chosen already knows me."

"I saw you at one of the Princesses birthday parties!" shouted Zelos. "Which totally cements the fact you're a pedophile. I was busy getting laid at the time-"

"Oh yeah, I forgot this guy is supposed to be an aristocrat, too." commented Sheena, slightly disgusted.

Zelos giggled in a rather psychotic manner.

"Then Alicia's killer, Bryant, is..."

"Wait...it can't be..." began Colette. Then she blinked and glanced at Raine. "Wait, who are we talking about, again?"

Raine facepalmed.

"Alicia!" Regal said, completely ignoring the fact that he had just admitted to killing a girl and spoke to her gravestone. Sure enough, Alicia popped up, like those annoying adverts on Youtube.

"Master, I'm so happy to see you again before I disappear!" gushed Alicia.

"I'm sorry...even after death, you still suffer!"

"Nah, that's cool, it wasn't your fault." said Alicia nonchalantly.

"Not...what do you mean?" Presea stated.

"Alicia and I were in love..." began Regal, like it was perfectly normal to fall in love with your sixteen-year-old maid.

"Then I, his servant, forced them apart." said George. "Alicia was then handed over to Vharley."

Everyone stared at him.

"How can you say that so calmly?" Genis asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Yeah, what the hell?" agreed Lloyd. "What gave you the right to do that?"

"Because I wanted Regal all to myself, obviously." answered George.

"...Oh."

Seriously, why did Regal not FIRE this guy? If your servant gives the person you fell in love with to some kind of fat, shady leather-clad conman and she gets transformed into a goddamned MONSTER, wouldn't you maybe have a grudge against him? Like, not trust him ever again?

TIME FOR A FLASHBACK!

_"I've fulfilled my promise! The mine is yours and I bought you a McDonalds! Now give me my underage girlfriend back!" whined Regal, looking cleaner and less bondage-y._

_"Sure thing, bub, you can have her. I don't need her useless ass anyway."_

_A cucumber monster in a maid outfit stumped over to Regal._

_"Wh...what?" gasped Regal._

_"This is Alicia! She sucks and wasn't compatible with the experiment. It worked fine on another member of her family that you will later on be stalking. Bye!"_

_"Master Regal, please, kill me!" shouted the Alicia monster, before bitch-slapping Regal._

_"I can't! I...I could never kill you with my own hands!" moaned Regal._

_How ELSE do you expect to kill her, genius? A bazooka? Feather-duster? Chop her up and put her in a salad?_

_"It's because I love you that I want you to do it!" cried Alicia, before advancing to deliver another pimp-slapping._

_Then the screen went black and there was a lame crunching noise and a thud. Then Regal sniffling and munching on some celery..._

"Master Regal killed me to save me. It was the only way." said the Alicia hologram calmly.

"Just like Marble..." mused Genis.

"Except you were the underage one in that relationship." Lloyd reminded him. Genis stamped on his foot. "Owww!"

"I'm so glad I got to see you again, Master Regal. I have no regrets. So please, stop it with the martyr act."

"But with my own hands, I took the life of the one I love."

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP!

"Genis and I once experienced the same cucumber-y murder you did." Lloyd said, deciding to take control of the situation before everybody drowned in mush. "And I also imagine what it must have been like... for my dad. When my mum turned into a monster and he struck her down, he must have angsted as well."

Hmm, has anybody else noticed it's always the man killing the transformed woman "for her own good" or something? That sounds kind of fishy to me. Female repression at work here, people!

"And there is irony in that Regal, as your substitute father figure, is going through the same thing that your biological father once did, hence you're trying to comfort Regal in a way that you currently cannot with your real dad." put in Raine, because this fanfiction doesn't have enough psychoanalysis in it, damn it.

"Holy shit, deep." Zelos said, wide-eyed.

Colette nearly had an aneurysm.

"It's just as he says. I don't want you to live like that." Alicia told Regal. "Thank you, Presea. I think now I can finally rest in peace. Please destroy the exsphere before I am totally absorbed by it."

Wow, Alicia is really selfish. I mean, she spends all this time giving all this heartfelt goodbye crap to Regal, yet she barely even bothers to speak to Presea, despite the fact they're, you know, sisters and haven't seen each other in years and Presea's the one who brought Regal there in the first place, but I guess Alicia only needs to talk to Presea when she wants something. How nice. Glad we made the effort there, you bitch.

"Why? Can't you stay like you are now?" Presea asked, blankly.

"If I stay, I will be absorbed completely. An isolated consciousness, unable to even speak...it would be true hell."

For some reason, Presea and Regal both decided that Lloyd should shatter the exsphere, despite the fact he barely knew Alicia at all and both Presea and Regal were perfectly capable of doing it themselves, considering they wanted to help her that badly.

"I'm sorry I never mentioned that I'm a murderer until now." Regal added, like he'd only just remembered.

"Master Regal confessed to killing Alicia and went to prison of his own will." added George.

"While I was in prison, the Pope promised to arrest Vharley and make him go on a diet if I kidnapped Colette. I believe him because I am actually kind of stupid despite how profound I try to make myself sound."

"So that's why you were after us..." Colette said.

Genis started a slow clap.

"Please...I ask you to judge whether I am a worthwhile main character or not until after we defeat Cruxis." Regal said, dramatically.

"As long as it's okay with Presea." said Lloyd, considering that nobody else honestly seemed to give a crap about what she thought at that moment.

Hell, between them, Alicia and Regal seem to have been effectively trying to squish any sense of self-identity Presea might have been getting since she got de-robotized.

"Vharley was responsible for turning my sister into a vegetable too...okay. I'll try not to fantasize about slicing off your head in your sleep." Presea mumbled. I actually felt kind of bad for the kid here.

"I'm bored!" Lloyd announced, his brain switching off, having done quite enough work for one cutscene. "Let's go stumble onto a clue for the next Summon Spirit! To the temple of darkness, Batman!"

And so they did! Yay!


	27. Darkness and unicorns

Good evenin', readers!

Wow, it's been a while since I updated. This chapter's not as long as some of my recent ones, but eh, whatcha gonna do? (Doesn't the Temple of Darkness seem like a good chapter to be posting on Halloween, by the way?) Thank you for increasing reviewage, I appreciate it! (It was my birthday this week, also. ^-^)

Enjoy!

* * *

By a level of serendipity on par that, if it hadn't been in a videogame, would have required a Lost-sized suspension of disbelief, the group eventually stumbled upon the Temple of Darkness, whoo-hoo.

"Golly gee whizz, gang! It's sure dark in here!" shouted Lloyd, like he was contractually obligated to point out the obvious. Then the implications of this sunk into his spongey brain. "Oh, that means we can't see..."

"OW! My precious, perfect foot!" screeched Zelos, as Lloyd went fumbling about in the dark and tripped.

"This is pointless, we need light." complained Raine.

"Can we set Lloyd on fire?" Zelos suggested, grouchily.

"That would get boring after five minutes," Sheena pointed out. "Let's go to the Elemental Research Laboratory. They probably have a handy method of getting through this."

So they hopped right back on their Rheairds and went to Meltokio. It was all very boring.

But in Meltokio, there was Kratos! Holy fucking unicorns!

"KRATOS!" yelled Lloyd, pointing dramatically at him. Genis discreetly rolled his eyes.

Kratos strolled up to them, then suddenly addressed Presea, which surprised everyone involved, since when did Kratos know who anybody besides Lloyd was?

"I've heard that the sacred wood only grows in the area near Ozette. Is that correct?" he asked, as Lloyd fumed.

"Y-yes," Presea answered.

"Then, does that mean it no longer exists?"

"The wood I cut is stored at the church."

"Presea! Stop answering his questions like he's a normal person! He's the enemy!" raged Lloyd.

"Anger issues, much?" coughed Zelos.

Kratos, still blanking Lloyd, walked off.

"Wait! Why do you need to know about stupid sacred wood anyway?" Lloyd shouted after Kratos.

"Because it is necassary. What other reason could there be?" Kratos replied.

"Maybe regular wood isn't good enough for that pole he's got up his ass..." Zelos muttered under his breath.

"And you must stop forming pacts," Kratos suddenly added. "It is dangerous to engage in activities in which you have no idea of the goddamn consequences."

"You can't tell me what to do!" Lloyd retorted childishly, like he suddenly thought he was in a rap video.

"Be patient, Lloyd." Kratos said, randomly, before walking off for real this time.

Lloyd blinked.

"What the hell?"

Ignoring Kratos and his cryptic warnings for the meantime (or, for the rest of the tine), they ran off to the Elemental Research Lab.

"Sheena!" yelled one of the random scientists.

"Hey, guys, sorry for dropping in unannounced, but since you have nothing better to do with your time..." Sheena began, then explained to yhem how the Temple of Darkness was, like, dark.

"Oh, no problem, just use the Blue Candle, which has special powers and stuff-" began the scientist.

"We can't help them!" shouted another scientist with a serious thing for backcombing. "They're the reason Kate got arrested!"

"What?"

"She got arrested for assisting the captives and she's going to be executed!" raged the scientist. "And I'm the only one annoyed about this, apparently!"

...Huh. If the half-elves in Tethe'alla aren't allowed to leave their labs, then how did these guys know about Kate? What, does the game want us to think all Half-Elves know each other or something?

"Lloyd! We have to save her!" Colette cried, moronically, since Lloyd has kind of a reputation for sticking his nose in other people's business anyway.

"That sounds good! Let's go!" shouted Lloyd, withdrawing one of his swords and grinning.

"Or, we wait for five seconds and think of a plan," Regal said. "There is a passage in the Coliseum that leads to the prison. They used to make prisoners fight lions and stuff for entertainment, because Namco suddenly felt like going Gladiator. If we compete in the Coliseum, we should be able to get to the prison."

"Oh yeah, that's where you probably got Shawshanked." Zelos nodded.

"Then hurry up and save her!" shouted the scientist.

"God, do you have a mad boner for her or something?" demanded Lloyd, rolling his eyes. The scientist thought for a moment, then nodded.

"Yes."

"Oh," Lloyd said, blinking.

Zelos smirked and shook his head.

"Sorry, dude, she has some weird fetish for the Pope."

"Will you guys hurry UP already!" Genis yelled from the doorway.

* * *

At the Coliseum, it was decision time! (Insert jaunty theme-music here.)

"So, Lloyd, who's going to fight?" questioned Zelos.

And lo and behold, the magical list popped up!

Lloyd  
Genis  
Colette  
Raine  
Sheena  
Zelos  
Presea  
Regal  
Frosty the Snowman  
Charlie the unicorn  
Harry Potter  
Homer Simpson  
A dentist

"Hmm...I pick...Raine!" Lloyd said, grinning evilly.

"Alright," Raine shrugged. Genis gawped.

"Lloyd! What the hell!"

Lloyd took Genis aside for a second.

"Think about it," he explained, happy to be the one educating Genis, for a change. "It's fun watching her kick somebody else's ass."

Genis' eyes lit up.

"Good plan!"

"Um...aren't you guys the Wanted-" began the cute receptionist.

"Oh, did I mention I have 100 Gald just wasting space here in my purse?" Raine chipped in, casually.

"Oh, okay."

"So, this is how money is used..." remarked Presea.

"Um, no, not really..." stammered Genis.

Why does she say that, anyway? It's not like she's never seen money before, otherwise she wouldn't end up with new goddamned weapons or nice gels that stop her dying.

"Psst!" Lloyd whispered. "Professor!"

"What is it, Lloyd?" Raine sighed.

"The guys you're about to fight tried to blow up a ruin!"

Raine's eyes flashed.

"WHAT?"

And then she grabbed her staff and ran out into the Coliseum, which was a completely terrifying sight to behold.

Those three guys in metal armour didn't stand a goddamn chance.

Raine, after dishing out some serious archeology rage, went on down to Kate's cell.

"Why are you here?" Kate asked, like an idiot.

"Shut up and be rescued!" Raine replied, commandingly.

Then the group stood around casually outside the Coliseum, because apparently nobody cared about the Wanted criminals or an escaped half-elf that were having a nice chit-chat just outside one of the main buildings of the city.

"Now that we've rescued her, what are we going to do?" Regal asked, as though Kate wasn't there.

"Have a pinic!" shouted Colette gleefully.

"Do you have any family?" Lloyd asked Kate.

"...My mother died when I was young and my father is...no."

"My father is a no too," Colette said, nodding. Raine shot her a look.

"I have a favour to ask of you," Kate announced. "Please, take me to Ozette."

"You do know it got blitzed, right?" Lloyd said.

Kate nodded.

"Yes, please. That is where I was born."

Lloyd shrugged. "Alrighty."

"Thank you for saving me, even though I basically treated Presea here like a lab rat." Kate said, when the group were standing outside Presea's shack of a house that stank of death.

Presea twitched a little bit.

"Well, we couldn't exactly just let you die," Lloyd said, reasonably.

"Even if you know who I am...?" Kate began, dramatically. The group blinked at her and she elaborated. "My mother was a half-elf and my father was a human...and the current Pope of Tethe'alla."

OMGWTF and so on.

"The Pope?" cried Lloyd, because it is absolutely necassary that he repeats what was said a mere second ago.

"You mean he ordered his own daughter's execution? That's awful!" raged Genis.

"But it was the Pope himself who ruled that all half-elves who commit crimes are to be punished by death."

"What?" yelled Genis, annoyed at Zelos saying this so casually. "But his daughter is half-elf! Why the fuck would you do something like that?"

"Hey, don't get mad at me!" pouted Zelos. Genis glared.

"He'll pay for that..."

"Wait! Don't hurt my father!" cried Kate, suddenly.

"After everything he's done to you?" Lloyd demanded.

"But he's still my father," Kate persisted. "When he ordered me to perform experiments to turn exsphere's into Cruxis Crystal's, I was happy. My father finally needed me to exploit people in unfortunate circumstances in his nane..." she went on, smiling sadly.

"I can't understand that! I can't!" yelled Genis.

"Genis, seriously, calm down." Raine instructed.

"B-But-!"

"I think I understand a little," Colette piped up. Brace yourselves, people, she's actually going to say something semi-intelligent; "When I thought Remial was my father, I was happy to be doing the Journey of Regeneration, even if it turned me into a mute android."

"...I'm going to think for a while," said Kate, because as a scientist, she obviously hadn'y done quite enough of that yet. "About half-elves, and about my father. And Presea..."

"Yes?" said Presea.

"...I'm sorry."

With that, Kate went off into Presea's house, because if you're gonna think about your abandonment issues, why not do it in a morgue?

"Wow, that was like a constant downer, huh?" announced a blue unicorn.

"Wrong storyline, guys." Zelos said to them.

"Sorry!" the blue and pink unicorns chimed, then ran off to go bother Charlie.

"Why do things have to turn out this way?" asked Colette, sadly.

"...Half-elves, The Great Seed, the Chosen...they're all sacrificed." Raine ruminated, melancholic.

"That's what happens when you're caught between two opposing forces...Equality...is an illusion." Zelos added, darkly.

Wow, these two should do motivational speeches more often!

"Birth, status, race, appearance...you're engulfed by all of these things." Sheena put in.

Zelos glanced at her.

"And bra-size."

"ZELOS!"

"But everyone has the same heart. Everyone hurts when they're rejected." announced Lloyd, as Sheena decked Zelos in the background. "But people tend to forget that."

"The same...heart." Genis mumbled.

"Little by little, people can change." Presea announced. "Although I am not exactly brilliant evidence for that."

"All we can do now is move forward and release the mana links...even if we have no clue what will happen when we do." put in Regal.

"Oh yeah! I totally forgot what we were doing!" shouted Lloyd. "Let's go, guys!"

ADD, much?

* * *

So, with the Blue Candle at the ready, they lit up the Temple of the Darkness.

"What's with all the random eye motifs?" Genis demanded. "It's creeping me out."

"Yeah!" agreed Zelos. "It's like they're feeling me up with their eyes. Kind of like everyone of the female gender. Except for Colette, Raine and Sheena, because one's retarded, one's an ice-queen and one's a prude."

"At least I'm not a man-whore who engages in a shallow lifestyle and meaningless sexual encouters to try and fill some of the emptiness inside him and to try and forge some kind of identity, something that the title of Chosen effectively disables." retorted Raine.

Zelos stared.

"Plus, you probably have diseases." added Sheena.

Burned.

Anyway, when the group proceeded further, into the temple, they noticed something kinda weird.

"What the...what's this?" Sheena said.

There was a cute little blobby thing made of...smoke, apparently. With a little silver ball inside it.

"It feels like a Summon Spirit, but much weaker then any of the other ones." Genis commented. "It has about a fifth of the mana they had."

"Hmm..." said Raine, then got her Sherlock Holmes impression on and knelt down, putting her hand through the little blob thing. "My hand goes straight through it, but it seems as though this thing is alive. Could it be the power of the Summon Spirit has leaked from the seal and taken on a physical form?"

"It's so cute!" Colette squealed.

Raine rolled her eyes, then they fell on something else. (No, not literally.)

"Ohmygod! A woundrous crystal! Studying!" screamed Raine, foaming at the mouth slightly. She walked forwards and pretty much started grinding on the crystal. The little shadow-blob, though, hung back.

"It doesn't seem to like the light," remarked Genis.

"I get it!" Lloyd yelled. "It's the Summon Spirit of Darkness, so it hates light!"

Genis began a Slow Clap.

Sheena massaged her temples.

Anyway, so suddenly the group became Summon Spirit Sheepdogs andh ad to 'herd' the stupid little shadow-blobs around. Lloyd stumbled on a Sorceror's Ring pedestal.

"Oooh! Cool!" he yelled, like a hyperactive child, and pressed on it.

The Sorceror's Ring released a big cloud of darkness, which surprised nobody.

"Aww, that's all? First the lame dog-whistle in Rodyle's Ranch and now this?" whined Lloyd.

"Cheer up, dude, there are lots of fun things you can do in the dark with a girl..." Zelos grinned, slinging an arm over Lloyd's shoulder. Lloyd looked confused.

"You mean, like, play with glow-in-the-dark toys?"

"Nevermind..." Zelos mumbled, rolling his eyes.

Anyway, the rest of the temple was BORING as most temples are, and what would you rather read about, endless detail about a silly old temple, or passive-aggressive banter between eight idiots and a chick obsessed with Plotholes?

"We're finally at the altar..." sighed Genis.

(Yeah, I thought so.)

"Since Shadow's the Summon Spirit, the opposite would be the Summon Spirit of Light, right?" said Lloyd, randomly.

"Uh. So?"

"Well, Luna was saying she wanted us to bring Aska, so..." Lloyd went on, making a good point for a change of pace.

"Yes...considering what a pain in the ass it will be to fight both Luna AND Aska, because apparently the blondes in this game can't do anything on their own, we should save them for last." Raine commented.

"Uh, we already have." Sheena pointed out.

"Shut up." said Raine quickly, embarrassed.

"I wonder why Aska left the Tower of Mana anyway?" asked Genis.

"He probably just went out to score some chicks." Zelos drawled, as though this was at all cool or funny. Sheena gave him a dirty look.

"Not everyone's a sexual deviant, Zelos." she snapped. "Anyway, I'm going to make a pact now."

She stepped up to the altar. Shadow (original name, guys. Not.) now looked considerably more badass then his wispy-blob self, although he did look slightly like a Terminator, for some reason.

"Mithos and I...pact..." he breathed.

"Mithos...we're doing the same thing the Legendary hero once did, albeit with more explosions and cool gadgets." commentated Lloyd.

"I am Sheena! Insert fancy words here!"

"...Fiiiiight..." Shadow hissed.

"He's coming!" stated Presea, redundantly.

Zelos and Lloyd giggled like a pair of teenage girls shopping for Prom dresses.

Shadow staggered towards them like a drunk guy with his shoelaces tied together. Surprisingly, he wasn't all that hard.

"Vow..." Shadow demanded, still swaying on the spot.

"Why, do you have places to be?" Sheena mumbled sarcastically. "Um. For the sake of reuniting the two worlds, I ask you to grant my thy power."

"Agreed." Was all Shadow had to say on the matter, before turning into a sparkly ball.

"Now all we need to do is form a pact with the Summon Spirit of Light and sever the mana link. We're counting on you for the next one too, Sheena!" said Lloyd.

"Yeah, Lloyd, I think I know how the whole pact-making thing works by now." Sheena sighed, rolling her eyes to the ceiling.

Seriously, why is he saying that? How stupid does Namco think the gamer is not to know what to do at the next temple by now?

"Great, now can we get out of this temple now?" whined Zelos. "Somebody keeps touching my ass!"

Sheena snorted loudly.

"No, really!" Zelos insisted.

Regal tried to look innocent.

"You're all idiots." Announced Raine, then spotted another crystal. "Fantastic!" she shouted. "I need to get a specimen!"

__

_Raine earned the title, "Get your rocks on!"  
_

* * *

Happy Halloween, everybody! *mwahahaha!*


	28. Uahhh! Ughhh! Imma firin' mah lazor!

Wowzerz! So, I've been gone a long time, haven't I? I am really, REALLY sorry about that, but so say I'm busy would be a big, fat understatement. I've had coursework, exams, job-hunts and so many boring things that, on top of social stuff and days where I just fuck around on the computer, I'm amazed at how much time has gone by. Also, my interest in TOS has sharply declined this year since I just haven't been gaming all that much, but I started playing a couple of days ago and I remembered this. Whew. Once again, thank you everyone for your reviews and encouragment, and I swear the next chapter will NOT take so long. (A few reviews will help this process, wink wink.)

Actually, I have been re-editing some of the earliest chapters because I re-read this fic and find the spacing to be very awkward, so while I rewrote them I chucked in a couple of new jokes too. I won't rewrite ALL of the fic, I've so far just done chapters 1-3. I think after 7 the spacing stays tolerable. XD

Enjoy!

* * *

Anyway, now that the Temple of Darkness was done, it was time to finally do the Light Temple (or the Tower of Mana. This makes it the only temple that's known by a different name. Fun trivia, mirite?)

But, naturally, absolutely nothing in this game comes easily, so they had to go find the Linkite tree. When they got there, it essentially looked like a stump.

"It's dead." Lloyd stated, redundantly.

"No shit, Sherlock."

"This must be the Linkite tree those wandering hippies mentioned," Raine said. "We should report back to them and see if they magically have any solutions."

"Good idea. I've forgotten what he told us about it anyway." Lloyd agreed.

Nobody was surprised by this.

"But they're travelling everywhere, how are we going to find them?" Genis asked.

"All we can do is gather information in the cities and search."

Yeah, or, the player can just fly aimlessly around Sylvarant on a Rheaird, which is about ten times easier and faster to do. Screw all these annoying side quests, goddammit; I have a world to save/unsplit!

Since Nova and his family have the personality and overall story significance as my toaster, I'm going to skip this bit. Because I'm the goddamn author. (Also because I, um, kind of forgot to put them in the story earlier. Haha.)

"Awesome! We have a Linkite nut!" cheered Lloyd. "That only took me an entire night!"

"Presea helped too!" Genis reminded Lloyd indignantly. Presea stared blankly at nothing.

"Oh, right, sure she did. Ahem. Anyway, Sheena, can you summon Gnome to make the ground fertile again?"

"Sure."

"Speaking of fertility-" began Zelos.

Raine hit him with her staff.

Zelos shut up.

"What? What do you want?" Gnome asked, his hair/fur in curlers. "I'm trying to watch Sex and The City, here!"

Really, though, why does he bitch about being summoned in the game so much? What the hell was he doing that was so damn important?

"Gnome, please make this tree healthy again!" Sheena shouted.

"Meh, okay."

And he did. And there was much rejoicing. Then he vanished, presumably to get on with his romcom marathon. They then made the wind blow so that the music would travel through the air, even though for some reason, Sheena did not summon Sylph and Genis didn't cast any spell. It just suddenly got windy. Whatever.

Aska suddenly appeared above the Linkite tree.

"Who calls me?" he asked.

"Aska! We want to make a pact with you!" Sheena said.

"Or stick you in a pokeball." added Lloyd, because how much more could that thing look like Ho-Oh? (Or a Doduo/Ho-Oh hybrid, I guess. Hey, shut up, I'm a 90's kid, I'm allowed to make Pokémon references!)

"I cannot make a pact unless Luna is with me..."

"My god, what is with you two?" Sheena asked. "Whatever. We'll go to the Tower of Mana and you can just meet us there."

"Cool." Aska said, then flew off.

I'm paraphrasing here. He's a bird. Who cares what he actually said?

...Is it me, or is this the most boring, plot-related side quest ever? At least with the other ones the creators bothered to put in a bit of friggin' voice acting or comedy, but this is just like, "Plzdothisktnksbai."

To the Tower of Mana!

* * *

"I can't believe we had to climb all those stairs again..." sighed Lloyd.

"Cheer up, Lloyd! All that walking is great for your buns and thighs!"

"It is?" Colette blinked. I don't think she understood what Zelos said.

But wouldn't you know it? Right there, in the way, was Kratos! Like, oh my god, Kratos was there! And he had switched back into his purple outfit again for some reason.

"Stop!" he said, commandingly.

"Kratos! Don't get in our way!"

"Hear me out! The Derris-Kharlan core system just finished calculating its answer-"

"What the hell is that even meant to mean?" interrupted Zelos, rolling his eyes. "Seriously, that means literally nothing to us. We don't even know what Derris Kharlan is!"

"-If you form this final pact, all the Great Seed's protection will be lost!"

"Well done, Kratos! Finally caught up with the rest of the class?" sneered a voice.

Yuan shot a lightning ball at Kratos! ...But it missed.

"Don't you understand? What you're hoping for won't happen!"

"Silence! Do you think we'll pass up this bitchin' opportunity? Lloyd, stop standing there and go!"

So Lloyd ran off, leaving Yuan and Kratos to having a competition to see who could be the most cryptic and haughty.

"Alright! Let's follow through with our stupidly impulsive plan!" cheered Lloyd. "You're up, Sheena!"

"You got it! It's on like Donkey Kong!"

When she approached the altar, there was Luna, chillin' on the moon. Geddit? LUNA, MOON? HOW VERY CLEVER OF YOU, NAMCO!

"Where is Aska?" Luna repeated, vacuously.

"He'll come. He promised." said Sheena.

Zelos giggled.

"I see. Then all is well. I shalt test thy worthiness to wieldst my power."

As an aside...wtf, Aska? Where you sightseeing or something? How long does it take you to fly over here when you're A) A mythical two-headed bird, and B) you set off before the group did? I mean, dayum.

"Bringeth it on, then!"

And so they broughteth it. Luna probably wouldn't have lasted five minutes if she didn't have her lab-experiment-gone-wrong peacock running around and pecking people. Also, is it me, or does have voice get gradually more and more grating as that fight goes on? Jeesh.

When all was done and brought, Luna nodded.

"Thou art powerful. Now swear thy vow."

"I vow to germinate the Great Seed, blah blah, so we can unite the two worlds. Wow, does that sound like a metaphor for sex or what?"

Just then, Yuan and Kratos ran up the stairs, elbowing each other in the ribs.

"You did it!" cried Yuan.

"No!" Kratos said, completely pointlessly.

AND THEN A BIG FREAKING-ASS CUTSCENE OCCURRED! And Palmacosta was utterly raped and everybody died, for some reason, despite the fact that Palmacosta is absolutely nowhere near ANY of the seals, or the Tower of Salvation, for that matter, so why that particular city was specifically nuked is really confusing. I mean, how stupid do they think the gamer is to add the main city being totaled for purely dramatic reasons. Oh snap. And then the Great Kharlan Tree (that was incidentally supposed to be extinct, but whatever) went absolutely batshit insane on tree steroids.

"What's happening?" cried Lloyd.

"Oh my gah..." Zelos gasped.

"Is that...the Giant Kharlan Tree?" gasped Genis.

"No, it's Twinkle the Marvel Horse, what the hell do you think?" said Sheena, exasperated.

"That person...I feel like I've met her somewhere before." Colette said.

"...Martel!" gasped Yuan, angstily.

"Martel? That woman about to be eaten by the tree is Martel?"

"She reminds me of someone...she reminds me of..." Colette went on, but nobody was listening.

Yuan frowned.

"Why is Martel inside a big fugly tree? Does she think she's a Dryad or something?"

"I was afraid this would happen..." Kratos said, just to show off that he knows bloody everything. "The Great Seed has lost control."

"No! The Summon Spirits were supposed to isolate the Great Seed from the outside world and stop it doing anything!" groaned Yuan.

"That was only half of it." Kratos said, smugly. "The worlds should have just been consumed by the void, but the Great Seed stopped them."

"I don't need a lecture from you to know that!" said Yuan, haughtily.

...Then why did you tell everybody to do this, then, dumbass?

"Plothoooole 30!" Plothole girl sang, suddenly appearing out of thin air.

"Wow, already?" mused Genis.

"Amazing, isn't it?" she agreed, and then vanished in a flash of light.

"Anyway, the two worlds were constantly trying to pull away from each other. It's a miracle this has held up right until this point." Kratos went on.

"Wait! So you're saying the mana links were basically a cage?"

"Exactly. And because you dun goofed, the Great Seed has gone crazier then shithouse rat."

"Who gives a fuck why this happened!" broke in Lloyd, praise be to Gaga. "I want to know what will happen if we don't stop this thing!"

"Then we're screwed. The Great Seed will destroy Sylvarant, which will destroy Tethe'alla, blah blah."

"Then...everyone will die." Presea stated.

Nothing gets past you, huh, Presea?

"Well, everyone except the Angels. And me, because I'm a badass." Kratos shrugged. (Well, alright, he didn't say the last thing, but I bet he was thinking it.)

"We have to do something!" Genis shouted, idiotically.

Well, what _else _were they going to do at this point? Lie around and eat pizza?

"But what can we do?" Sheena said.

"Yuan. How do you plan to rectify the situation? Since it's basically your fault."

"Cut off the mana flow to the Great Seed." Yuan said.

"That won't stop the Tree." Kratos replied.

...Is it me, or does he seem to be enjoying this?

_Kratos obtained the title, "Is it smug in here, or is that just me?"_

"So is there a lunatic plant freaking out in Tethe'alla too?" Zelos wanted to know.

"Highly unlikely. Tethe'alla is probably just cruising along like it usually does. Maybe an earthquake of something."

"That makes sense...Sylvarant always gets hit with the Stuck Stick and the Great Seed is probably attracted to the awoken Summon Spirits from Colette's journey of Regeneration." Raine commented.

"Correct." Kratos said, like they were in a friggin' lecture or something. "Blah blah blah, yin and yang, blah blah."

"Wait! Can't we just fire Tethe'alla's Summon Spirits at it?" Lloyd randomly burst out.

"Holy crap! Lloyd had a great idea!" Genis said, almost fainting with shock.

"How are we supposed to do that?" Sheena demanded. "There's no way we can get near that thing now! Not unless we have some super-strength Weed Whacker or Raid or something..."

"...The Mana Cannon!" Yuan said.

"Mana Cannon?" repeated Presea, for no reason.

"We were actually manipulating Rodyle into building that." Yuan said. Of course he was. "We were going to use it to destroy Eyesore Tower."

"I suppose we have no better option right now." Kratos said, snotty. "Then here's the plan. Yuan, I'm going to pretend I have no idea what you've been doing. You tell the Renegades to stop firing energy at the Tree immediately.

"I didn't need you to order me to do that!" Yuan huffed.

Suddenly, another earthquake hit and one of Yuan's mooks ran over.

"It's no good, sir! Forcystus has just executed our Iselia team because he's a dick like that!"

"Then, I shall go." Kratos said.

"You? Are you suggesting we let our enemy go by himself?" Regal said, actually saying something useful for once.

"I'll go!" said Lloyd, immediately.

"What? We have to go to the Mana Cannon!" Sheena complained, insulted.

"You and the Renegades go. Kratos and the rest of us will infiltrate the Iselia ranch. You wouldn't be able to use the cannon if it was just Kratos telling you to do it, right?"

"Well, that's true, but who's going to stop Colette suffocating you with her clingy obsessiveness?" Sheena sighed. "And who'll punch Zelos when he's being an assbag?"

"That's right!" Colette said, remembering. "Chocolat's at the Iselia ranch. Lloyd, you remembered your promise!"

"Colette, this is no time to be talking about pudding!" said Lloyd.

...Honestly, who gives a rat's ass about Chocolat and her annoying, whiny voice?

_Colette gained the title, "Shut up, Pollyanna!"_

"Understoodd. Don't fuck up." Yuan said, before leaving with Sheena.

* * *

And now! Pointless cutscene interlude!

"..." Mithos said, intelligently.

"WHAT'S WRONG, MITHOS?" Tabitha intoned.

"Nothing. I just suddenly started picturing Genis in his underwear. I mean-!"

Luckily for Mithos, he was spared from explaining when an earthquake hit. Some rocks fell and he pushed Tabitha out of the way.

"MITHOS!"

"Ma...r..." he gurgled, before fainting. Tabitha blinked.

"MAR? MARSHMALLOWS? MARJIUANA?"

Wow, that was subtle.

* * *

"Why did you bring me along?" Kratos bitched at Lloyd, as they arrived at Iselia's ranch. "You didn't need me in order to stop the reactor."

"WTF? You volunteered to come, dumbass." Lloyd said. "Anyways, I don't trust Cruxis. You know, because they keep trying to kill me and my friends. But we both want to kill all the Grand Cardinals. Kinda like in Kill Bill..."

"I see." Kratos said, ignoring Lloyd's incongruous film references.

"How are we going to get in? The gate's closed." whined Genis.

...Sigh. The kid can summon freaking tornadoes and oceans, but he can't work out how to get past a door? I declare.

Kratos, because he wasn't quite done showing off, flew over and unlocked the door.

When they got inside, there was yet another Sorcerer's Ring pedestal.

"Whee!" Lloyd shouted, as the ring reacted. "Now what?"

"Be careful. That's the light of mana. Don't use it too much." Kratos told him.

Anyways, once in the ranch, there was yet another obstacle impeding their path to kicking Desian butt.

"This is the mana reactor." Said...Colette? Wtf?

"How the hell do _you _know that?" Genis wanted to know.

"I don't know!" she beamed.

"Anyways, can't we just destroy the ranch?"

"We have to get the captives out first." Lloyd reminded him.

"There's no time. We're going to have to destroy the ranch and then rescue..." Raine said.

"Insufficient time. There would be a seventy percent loss." Presea replied, because she is some kind of calculator.

"It is the same as Kvar's ranch. We'll have to separate." Kratos said.

"What should we do, Lloyd?" asked Colette, because she still hasn't developed a mind of her own yet.

"I'll go after Kvar- I mean, Forcystus. Chocolat will have a bitch-fit again if I try and help her anyway."Lloyd shrugged.

And it was once again, team picking time!

Lloyd went with Kratos, Zelos and Raine, because I like seeing Kratos and Zelos in the same battle, it's really weird. But cool. And Raine is the only person who can bring people back from the dead, plus Colette and Regal are annoying. So yeah.

"We don't need to split up until we get to Chocolat's location." Said Raine. "Let's get this over with."

When the group walked into the next room, some whip-fetishists were harassing Chocolat, who for some reason is still in her normal clothes while everyone else is in their potato sacks. Why this is, I have no idea. She's been there for...at least a month, in-game time, and so wtf?

"Chosen one!" Chocolat shouted, dumbly.

Then the Desians ran over and started STOMPING THE FUCK out of Lloyd and Colette, and neither of them did a damn thing about it. Until;

"Uahhhh!" said one of the prisoners, before heroically pushing over a Desian.

...I wonder if Uahhhh beats out Remial's awesome "Uuuaark!" earlier on in the game?

"So, you like kicking people around, huh? Well it's payback time, biatch!" Lloyd shouted.

...Duh, Lloyd, the Desians haven't exactly been candy and maypoles through this adventure. Also, since when do you know any kicking attacks?

"Wow, thanks!" the prisoners said.

"...Thank you." Said Chocolat, reluctantly. Bitch.

"Are there any more of you?" Colette asked.

"I think the others managed to get away already." Said one of the Uahhh! Guy.

"I..." Chocolat said.

"Whatever, if you don't want to be rescued by me, just consider yourself rescued by the Chosen. Even though I am the one leading this whole group to begin with." Lloyd said.

Yeah, or consider yourself lucky you're being rescued in the first place. Ugh.

But now! Dundundun! It was time to fight One-Eye!

"You're...Forcystus!" Lloyd shouted, because he's a moron and cannot seem to run into people without shouting their names.

"Well, well. So you remember me. I should have killed you before you were a feasible threat to me, but because I'm following the big book of 'A Villain's Guide To Cliché's', I had to wait until you could legitimately kick my ass."

"If death is what you seek, you shall receive it. In abundance." Kratos said.

"WHAT'S ABUNDANCE?" Plothole girl called.

"It's a disco in a bakery!" giggled Lloyd.

"Tough talk coming from some purple human! You're all toast!"

"You're thinking you can just run away to Derris Kharlan like a little kid running away to their tree house if the world is destroyed? How naive." Kratos sneered. "You Desians are nothing but expendable pawns to Yggdrasill."

"Shut up! How dare you speak ill of my Master?"

"Twisted logic, much?" Raine sighed.

"Cruxis' orders are absolute!"

"Gimme a break! Lloyd, stop conversing with this guy and kick his ass! I'm tired of listening to the Desians and their stupid victim complex." Whined Zelos. "Plus, this wind tunnel is totally drying out my skin."

"I know!" Lloyd said.

"You will not get past me!" shouted Forcystus.

They fought. Zelos laughed because the enemies were called Exbones. They won.

"Ugh...im...possible.." Forcystus said, staggering dramatically. "Ughhh!"

Lol.

"Now we can stop the reactor!" Lloyd said, once again stating instead of doing. "Um...how do we do that?"

Everyone was bored, so they kicked it a bit and it stopped. Yay. Then they left, grabbing as much treasure as they could get their paws on.

"Lloyd! You made it!" Genis cried, when everyone got outside.

"Hell yeah! Now all we have to do is contact Sheena and..."

Suddenly, though, OMGWTFBBQ, Forcytus came staggering outside! How he got there so fast considering he fell down a big tunnel is totally amazing.

"Can't let you do that, Star Fox!" he shouted, before shooting Lloyd in the back.

"...No!" Presea said.

"Yes." said Regal.

"I am one of the Five Grand Cardinals! I won't die so anticlimactically! I'm taking you all with me!" Forcystus raged.

"Take us? Where? Will it be cold? Should I bring a scarf?" Lloyd asked. Kratos face palmed.

"So this is how the high and mighty Forcystus meets his end. How pathetic." Said Kratos.

"I see...I get it now...I wondered how a human could smell of mana-"

...Wait, what?

_Kratos earned the title, "Old Mana guy!"_

- _Hello ladies. Look at your man. Now look at me. Now look at your man. Now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me, but if he stopped using stupid techniques and became a super-human, he could smell like he's me. Look down, what's in your hand? Back up, I have it. It's a ticket to that thing you love. THE TICKETS ARE NOW EX-GEMS! Anything is possible when you exude the smell of mana and not of B.O. I have wings._

"- You're Kratos."

"And what?"

"Lord Yggdrasill trusted you, but in the end, you betray us!"

And Forcystus got out his freaky-looking one-eyed cannon. Haaa...innuendos.

"THIS IS WHY HUMANS CAN NEVER BE TRUSTED!"

Then he tried to shoot Chocolat in her face, but as usual, Colette had to be pointlessly self-sacrificing. (I mean, he would have missed her if she was gone? Not her mom, since Palmacosta was wrecked.)

"YOU BASTARD!" yelled Lloyd, and stabbed Forcystus. Straight through the chest. Fuck yeah.

"Heil Yggdrassil!" said Forcystus, then did us all a favor and died.

"Colette, are you okay-?" Lloyd said, and then he gasped, because it looked like Colette was growing scales or something.

"NO! Don't look! Don't look at me!" Colette screamed, raising the angst level through the roof.

"Lloyd, send the message, quickly."

"But Colette's turning into a lizard-!"

"Yeah, well, she's not dead yet, but if you don't hurry, the world will be. Now do it."

"Jeez, what are you, my dad? Fine."

And so the signal was sent!

And there was a badass cutscene where Sheena summoned Volt, Gnome, Celsius and Shadow and after a quick IMMA FIRIN' MAH LAZOR joke, the Giant Tree of Doom was defeated! And so was the green-haired chick, but whevs.

"What was that cry?" Genis asked, looking up.

"Martel, probably." Kratos shrugged. Like, oh, ho hum, there goes a goddess evaporating into nothing again.

"Well, it looks like Treemania is gone. For that, I owe you my gratitude. Thank you." Said Yuan, stiffly.

"If the Great Seed is fine, then I presume Martel, who is fused with it, is safe too?" Kratos asked, kneeling down by the box.

"I'm sure that's good news for you. I wish I could say the same for me." Pouted Yuan.

"Colette, it looks like things are calm now."

"It's gross, isn't it? It's disgusting, isn't it?" she wheedled.

"Well, now that you mention it, it is. Let's have a closer look!" Lloyd said.

"No! Stay away! Don't look!" Colette yelled, before, surprise surprise, falling over.

"Colette!"

"She just fainted." Raine sighed. "Let's take her to the village."

"To Iselia? But Lloyd and I were banished!" Genis said, aghast.

"We just saved the world, Genis. We have the right to use the Mayor's wig to clean the toilet if we feel like it now." Raine told him. "Besides, what else are we supposed to do with all these people?"

"We could totally make our own cucumber army..." mused Zelos.

"Cool! Let's head to Iselia!"

"Then, I will contact Sheena and tell her to meet you there." Yuan said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go have a shower and cry/masturbate while I wash the shame of being wrong away."

He signed off.

Zelos clicked his tongue.

"Somebody needs to get laid."

* * *

I couldn't resist the old spice joke. I just couldn't. Bonus points for anybody who gets the 'Twinkle the Marvel Horse' joke, btw. (Kratos ships Shelloyd. :D)

Reviewwww!


	29. Libraries and the Ymir Forest, ugh

Whee! As promised, here's the 29th installment of Parody, hot off the press! And this chapter is longer then the last one, so double yay! Thanks once again for the reviews, it's good to know that this story hasn't been forgotten. Wow, we're getting a lot closer to the ending now. As a side note, please could you guys begin saying who you'd like Lloyd to finish with? (I had a poll ages ago, but it got deleted somehow. Baring it mind that if nobody votes, I'll just pick the couple I happen to like best.) Also, one reveiwer suggested...Plothole Girl x Zelos! XD That's weirdly awesome.

Plothole Girl: Say whaaaaaat?  
Zelos: Giggity!

Enjoy!

* * *

"I see. So the Angels of Cruxis were really half-elves."

Phaidra was remarkably calm about discovering a worldwide conspiracy...

"Please don't tell anybody about this." Lloyd said. "Not that people would believe some crazy old woman anyways."

"Yes, especially since the Tower of Salvation is gone." Phaidra added, nonchalantly.

"Gone?" squeaked Genis.

"Yes, after the earthquake and the psycho tree."

"How could the Tower of Salvation be gone?" Lloyd asked.

"I don't know." Kratos said, reluctantly. "The Chosen never finished being Cruxis' sock puppet. Maybe a wizard did it. It is of little consequence."

"No, it's not." Raine contradicted, pleased to be able to say that Kratos was wrong about something. "It's a complete fucking shock to the people of Sylvarant. People are going to blame the Chosen."

"Why? Lots of Chosen have failed up until know." Zelos said, nonchalantly.

"Yes, but Colette is alive. Everybody else paid for being a failure at life with their lives." Phaidra replied.

"When people are suffering, they like to place the blame on other people." Added Regal, redundantly.

"It's not fair." Presea said.

...Why are these two even talking? Seriously, they never have anything useful to say.

"I'm bored! Let's go see what's happening outside!" Lloyd shouted, his attention span failing him once again.

"Let's all go together then." Zelos said. "It sounds like it could be a bit sketchy you walking around by yourself."

Yeah, you could get attacked by more whining villagers with sporks for weapons...

So out they went.

Outside, the villagers were having yet another bitchfest.

"This is an outrage!" complained the Mayor, doing a really phail Tony Harrison impression. "I can't believe people who my bad wig banished have returned without permission! And also there's the fail Chosen and a bunch of icky convicts!"

"Well, somebody forget to take their happy pills today." Genis commented. "Oh, hold on, no, this is what he's like all the time."

"Would you shut up?" Chocolat said. "Does any part of you besides your mouth even work?"

Oh, my god! Chocolat has something useful to say!

"Blah blah blah, people can't change their birth or status, blah blah blah; you're a jerk, blah blah."

"Wh-what? But I had a treaty to protect everyone from the Desians!" whined the Mayor. "Isn't that right? ...Hey! Say something!"

"Something." the villagers said.

So then the villagers all had a so-called heartwarming moment by sticking it to the Mayor. And while I'm not exactly a fan of racism, I can't help but think these guys changed their tunes pretty fast from, "Get out of our village, the people at the ranch can just go and fuck themselves!" to "Shut up, Mayor!" Meh.

"Everyone, are you sure?" Lloyd said, totally out of the blue.

"Yeah, I'm a half-elf..." said Genis.

...What the hell, guys? What? You want them to re-exile you or something? Why are you asking them if they're sure about sticking up for you? Ugh.

Then the Mayor behaved like a responsible adult and ran the hell away from his problems. Why is this guy in charge, again?

"I have to apologise, too." Chocolat said to Lloyd. "You saved me and inside I reacted like a complete bitch. People at the ranch told me about your friend's May-December romance with Grandma-"

"HEY!" Genis shouted. "It wasn't like that!"

"I'll always remember Marble...as long as my brain cells will allow, anyway." Lloyd said. Then he was distracted. "Oh, look! Haha, it's a squirrel!"

_Genis earned the title, 'Coffin-snatcher!'_

Anyway, then they went and found Raine, who ran off for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Then they found Colette and Kratos standing by the village's exit.

"Oh hai guys! Hey, Colette, are done having your angst-coma?"

"Yes...I'm sorry for making everyone worry about me, yet again!"

"Well, let's not go crazy..." muttered Genis.

"I have accepted a request from Phaidra and Frank to escort the Chosen to Dirk's house." Kratos informed them, because apparently having five other people around just isn't adequate for Little Miss Tumor for Attention.

"To Dad's? Why?" Lloyd asked, blinking.

"Dwarves are only good for making Cruxis Crystals and other junk."

"Or sex-dolls." added Zelos, nodding staunchly.

"After I've delivered the Chosen, I will return to Cruxis." Kratos went on, ignoring Zelos.

"But, what about Sheena?" asked Presea.

"I requested a message be sent. She should rejoin you soon, when Yuan is done having his angst-shower and gives her a Rheaird."

* * *

"Dad!" Lloyd shouted dramatically upon entering Dirk's house.

"Lloyd!"

"Dad! How have you been since I abandoned you? Did you see the crazy tree of doom? Were you affected by the earthquakes?"

"This arrrea is on top of harrrrd bedrrrock. Everrything is fine." Dirk said, rolling his R's completely unnecessarily.

"Dirk, Colette's family want you to help her. As usual." Kratos said, cutting into this heartwarming "father" and son moment. Ahem.

"I'm afraid even if Cruxis Crystals are an evolved form of exsphere, I still don't know anything about them. Except for the fact they're an evolved form of exsphere."

"Oh. So, you're useless." sighed Lloyd.

"Sorry. Anyway, at least stay the night."

Sure! Everybody, stay the night in Dirk's house, despite the fact half of you have literally only just met him and his house isn't big enough for all of you to sleep in! Yay!

"I must politely decline." Kratos said, before leaving.

"Ah...alrrright."

Lloyd chased Kratos outside, because he likes sneaking up on him.

"Wait! Are you really going back to Cruxis?"

"No, I lied." Kratos said, sarcastically. "I am an Angel of Cruxis."

"Then why did you disobey Yggdrasill's orders? Are you going to get some kind of kinky punishment for that?"

"I have my reasons, that's all." said Kratos, mysteriously. "Plus, Martel didn't die, so I technically fulfilled my orders."

"It's true, then. You really are our enemy."

"...Lloyd."

"What? You're not going to tell me not to die again, are you?"

"If you truly want to save the Chosen, again, you should research the records of the Ancient Kharlan War. Remember the unicorn's words at Lake Umacy."

"Rarity? Wait! Why are you with Cruxis if you're a human?"

Kratos then mysteriously left mid-conversation, just as Sheena walked in.

"...What is he trying to do...?" Lloyd muttered. Sheena approached him.

"Hey, wasn't that Kratos just now?"

How many guys do you know who dress completely in purple, Sheena?

"Sheena!" shouted Lloyd, once again having to shout somebody's name the minute they appear in front of him. "Yeah. He's going back to Cruxis."

"I see...so he really is our enemy."

"Yeah...but anyway, welcome back!"

"Thanks!"

"Yeah."

"Okay, Lloyd, you officially are not allowed to say that anymore."

* * *

"Well, what are we going to do now?" Genis asked, later on.

"Let's go see Altessa." Raine suggested.

"Can we trust Kratos, though?" Zelos asked. "You know, considering how much he likes to flip-flop."

"Eh, we don't have any other clue what we're doing." Lloyd shrugged.

So off they went back to Altessa's.

"You! So if you're here, that must mean something went wrong, which is kind of to be expected when you just decide to change something without thinking about how everybody else in the world might be affected."

"Was there damage on this side too?"

"THERE WERE LANDSLIDES HERE. BECAUSE OF THAT, MITHOS IS..." Tabitha stated.

Genis turned to Mithos and walked up to him.

"Mithos! You're hurt!"

How Genis could tell was totally amazing, because Mithos looked as squeaky-clean and effeminate as ever.

"Ah...this is..."

"DID YOU SEE THE ROCKS OUTSIDE? THEY WERE FALLING AND MITHOS SAVED ME-" Tabitha said abruptly. Seriously, why was she suddenly so desperate for attention?

"I see. I'm glad you're safe." Raine stated.

"Yeah, Mithos, I can't believe you tried to save the life of a robot! You're a super awesome guy!" added Lloyd. Yeah, or an idiot.

"Mithos is a...nice person." added Presea mechanically.

"And he helped us find Raine! I love you, Mithos!" shouted Genis.

"...Thank you." Mithos said, after a moment.

Zelos snorted.

"A nice guy, huh?"

"Anyway, now we're all done verbally masturbating over Mithos, Colette's illness is probably Chronic Angelus Crystallus Inofficium." Altessa said, finally pushing along the damn plot.

"Chr...guh...duh?" Lloyd said, his brain promptly short-circuiting after so many big words all in a row.

"Rejection of the Cruxis Crystal is said to occur in one in every million people, but I have heard of this being cured before." Altessa went on. "If you could find resources from the Ancient War..."

Why is it always the Ancient bloody war? Have Tethe'alla or Sylvarant just never had any other war or something?

"There's an archive building in Sybak..." Regal began.

"Oh, yeah, now that you mention it, I've heard of that..." Zelos added, who had been distracted for a moment because he was catching up on his Sheena-ogling. She turned and glared at him.

"Oh...yes, I do know about that." Mithos said, as if anybody had asked him anyway.

"An archive building! MARVELLOUS!" cried Raine, eyes lighting up in what was a rather frightening manner.

"If you like, I can show you around there." Mithos went on, despite the fact that Zelos and Regal already said they know it, so why he's needed is beyond me.

"Yay! That'd be great!" Genis cheered.

Lloyd looked over at him.

"You're just going gay for Mithos."

"SHUT UP, LLOYD!"

* * *

And so off they went to the library.

"Hey, Lloyd, take a look at this." Sheena said. "It seems one of Mithos' companions suffered from an affliction with a disease that crystallised the body."

"That sounds like Colette!" Genis cried, redundantly.

Mithos blinked, all innocent.

"Colette is sick?"

"Sick in the head." mumbled Raine.

"Ah, yes, a little bit." Colette said to Mithos, like your body slowly turning into a rock is on par with a little cold. "So what happened to the person?"

"It seems they were cured."

"Then there's a way to cure it, just as Altessa said." announced Regal.

REALLY? THE PERSON BEING CURED MEANS THAT THERE'S A CURE? WELL, LANS SAKES, REGAL, I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY!

_Regal earned the title, "Is it a bird, is it a plane? No! It's Captain Obvious!"_

"I hope the technique hasn't been lost..." Raine said, because she is pessimistic like that.

"So what's the cure?" Lloyd pressed.

"It says a unicorn saved the maiden. There's like their job or something. Now that you mention it, the unicorn in Lake Umacy said something about living to cure Martel's illness or something like that..." Sheena said, thoughtfully.

"Kratos! He told us to do this, omg!" Lloyd said, dramatically.

"I wonder who Kratos really is?" pondered Colette. That is, if she CAN ponder.

"Are you kidding? He's a traitor. What if you trust him and he utterly screws you over? Which he kind of did anyway." Zelos pointed out.

"Yeah, but as usual, we have no idea what we're doing, so we might as well just do what Kratos says." Lloyd shrugged.

"True dat." Sheena said, nodding.

"How can you be so positive when there may be darkness and despair ahead? You're strong, Lloyd." Mithos intoned darkly, which seemed pretty odd coming from a boy who essentially looks like a blonde fawn.

"The power of friendship?" Lloyd suggested, and Colette and Sheena looked disappointed. "Or maybe it's all the drugs. Dunno."

"I wish I had friends like that..." whined Mithos.

"But you're our friend now, right?" Genis pressed and my god, he sounds like a jealous boy/girlfriend. "Although you might catch Lloyd's stupid."

"Shut up, Genis!"

"Hahaha! Yeah, he is pretty dumb." agreed Mithos. Seriously, in the game, he does just randomly start laughing.

"But how can we find out more about the Kharlan war?" Presea asked.

"I've heard that the royal family has the materials concerning that." Mithos said.

Of course he has. That's not suspicious at all.

"So it's in Meltokio, then." Raine said, sighing. "But the Pope will be breathing down our necks. It's dangerous."

"Meh, since when is anything we do these days not dangerous?" Sheena pointed out. "I mean, this is a cakewalk compared to infiltrating up ranches and blowing up a psychotic tree."

"Let's go to Meltokio. But first we need to ditch Mithos because Genis fangirling all over him is getting annoying." announced Lloyd. "Let's go, everybody!"

"...Is everybody seriously THAT gullible?" Zelos complained.

Yes, Zelos. Yes they are.

* * *

But alas! When everybody got to Meltokio, who should they find nonchalantly hanging around the sewer but-

"Here's the money!" a guard was saying to Vharley. "How much longer before King Ineffectual kicks the bucket?"

"A while, because I'm supposed to make it look like natural causes. Tell his Great Moustached one that it'll be over soon."

Because yeah, if you're going to murder a ruling monarch, why not just loudly discuss your plans in a sewer when you know that the one group of people who can stop you uses it to get into the city? (And Vharley must have known this, because he's in league with the Pope and the Pope sent Regal and the other convicts down there to kidnap Colette, which Vharley taunts Regal about later.)

"PLOTHOLE 31!" cheered Plothole girl, jumping out from behind a Sorcerer's ring pedestal and posing dramatically.

"Word." Zelos agreed, casually. "I knew something was wrong when the normally healthy king got sick, but I was too busy with the Princess' sweet ass to actually mention anything like that."

"What're we gonna do, Lloyd?" Genis asked.

"Wow, Genis, when did you turn into Colette?" Sheena deadpanned.

"Isn't it obvious! Let's attack!" Lloyd grinned, always up for some stabbing.

Oddly enough, Vharley and the Solider are apparently either deaf and near-sighted or just dumb, because it was only THEN that they noticed, like, eight people standing at the bottom of the staircase.

"Who's there!" yelled the guard.

"It's his awesome sexiness, the Chosen!" announced Zelos, tossing back his hair.

"Damn, it's Zelos!"

"OMG, VHARLEY!" Regal said. Like we couldn't see him before.

"Don't steal my thing, Regal!" Lloyd complained, all annoyed.

"Oh, damn, you heard me. Die here!"

Presea and Regal ran up to Vharley and Lloyd unsheathed his sword, because he thinks it's his business to just get in EVERYBODY'S fight.

_Lloyd obtained the title, "Kill whore!"_

And then NOTHING HAPPENED.

Okay. Vharley kidnapped Alicia, forced Regal to give up the toize valley mine to free her in exchange for her life, then returns her AS A MONSTER WHO BEGS HIM TO KILL HER AND USES HER OLDER SISTER AS HIS GUINEA PIG, thereby robbing her of SIXTEEN YEARS of her life and rendering her as basically a robot with a pulse while she waited to DIE, and yet we somehow don't get to fight him. What. The. Actual. Fuck?

"Plothole 32!" Plothole girl said, striking a second dramatic pose. Then she vanished, leaving only a cloud of feathers.

"Her exits are getting cooler." commented Sheena.

"...I'm...gonna...die here? Like that...damned...Alicia?" wheezed Vharley. I have no idea why he brought Alicia up into the conversation except to be a dick- that did happen several years ago.

"Don't insult Alicia!" Presea said.

Vharley then died, and we don't have to look at his ugly ass ever again. Yay.

"So he was the connection between the Pope and Rodyle!" Lloyd announced.

Yeah, Lloyd, or if you actually had a brain, you'd remember he pretty much told you that word-for-word when you saw him at the Lezareno Company, but it's not a plothole, because Lloyd is a moron, so he probably wouldn't remember, but still. Idiot.

"He's connected to Kuchinawa as well." Sheena put in.

"Let's get the Pope!" Lloyd grinned. They left the swewer and ran off for the chapel.

"You're late! I have to go and wax my moustache in an hour!" the Pope complained, before turning around.

"Well excuuuuse me, Pope!"

"What? What are you people doing in here?"

"You're poisoning his Majesty, aren't you?" Zelos said, getting straight to the point.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" the Pope shouted, predictably.

"Aren't you a stubborn little liar?" mused Zelos.

"Is there an antidote?" Regal asked.

"I don't know anything!"

Then, suddenly, Presea decided she'd had quite enough of this shit and marched up to the Pope before casually angling her ax in his face.

"Don't move." she said.

"Then, let's have you drink the poison. It doesn't kill you straight away." Raine said, sounding fantastically cool and evil.

Seriously, they're threatening to either turn him into pork confetti courtesy of a crazy lolicon or forcefeed him poison. Hardcore.

"Okay! It's in the desk!"

"I found it!" cheered Colette, waving the antidote around.

"And while we're on the subject, why did you make all those anti-half elf laws? Your daughter's a half-elf! Are you retarded or something?" Genis demanded, looking pissed.

"...At first I thought that locking half-elves in dungeons and stuff was kind of harsh." The Pope confessed. Jeez, really? "But my daughter never gets older while I get fatter and balder! Can you understand how freaky that is? She doesn't age! Like Avril Lavigne!"

"That's just the kind of species half-elves are!" Genis protested.

"Exactly! Half-elves are creepy!" said the Pope, and then somehow managed to get to the second door. "I've called the Guards, because apparently I can do that without the use of any sound at all. If the Chosen dies here, the Church will be mine!"

"Without a Chosen?" Regal asked skeptically.

"Hmph. We have Seles!"

"So you did plan on bringing my sister into this, you pathetic old geezer!" sneered Zelos. "And sheesh, what is it with you and exploiting young women?"

"It's your fault!" whined the Pope. "Why is a narcissistic sex fiend like you the Chosen? If it weren't for you, all half-elves would be living in a floating magical island in the sky right now!"

"...Why do humans...treat us this way?" lamented Genis, angsty.

"Yeah, shut the hell up!" Lloyd told the Pope, pissed off. "It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital HIM. Just put your paws up, 'cause you were born this way, baby! No matter who you are, once you're born into this world, you have a right to live!"

Suddenly, the bookshelf next to everyone moved, revealing two guards. Zelos turned.

"Hey! Mr. Discrimination is going to get away!"

"I'll take care of them..." Presea said, turning and lifting up her axe. Holy crap, killing Vharley really put her in the mood for some bloodshed, didn't it?

_Presea gained the title, "Axe-fucking crazy!"_

"Damn, we lost him." Said Lloyd, once they got outside.

"Ch-Chosen!"

More knights stood behind everybody.

"We're sorry, unlike most of the guards we apparently have a conscience! Prepare yourself..."

For absolutely no reason, Colette suddenly flew up into the air.

"OH MY GOD, IT'S AN ANGEL IN A SAILOR SUIT!" the guards suddenly squealed, practically wetting themselves. "She's going to kill us all! Oh my god, her blonde hair and girly pink wings are so scary!"

"Yes!" Zelos said, thinking quickly. "Uh, this is Spiritua and she's totally going to kill you! Maybe if you grovel pathetically at my feet she might find it amusing and not kill you."

"Colette, say you'll forgive them." Lloyd told her.

"Oh, okay. I forgive you." Colette announced. Zelos smirked.

"Now, go arrest the Pope and his personal servants, the Papal Knights! Revoke my wanted status immediately! Fetch me a flirtini and rub my feet!"

The guards ran off like squirrels.

"Wow, Zelos, they did everything you said!" Colette said.

"Yup, I'm a total pimp." Zelos agreed. "Let's go!"

Inside the King's Chambers, the Princess was standing in front of the bed.

"W..wait." she said, as they entered.

"Princess, let us see the King." Zelos said, calmly.

"I don't know anything about Spiritua conveniently coming back to life, but my father is sick. All he wanted to do is protect Tethe'alla..."

"We know. He's been poisoned by the Pope and his stupid moustache."

"That can't be..."

"Well it is, now move, bitch! Get out the way!" Lloyd said, breaking abruptly into song. The Princess stared at him.

"Don't mind him, he's mentally challenged. Now I'm going to administer the antidote, because I am Raine." Raine announced.

So they healed the King. It was all rather boring.

"Father!" the Princess cried, generically.

"Your majesty. Do you remember me?" Zelos asked.

"...Zelos, the traitor. Have you come to kill me?"

"A traitor...yes, that does suit me." Zelos said, with a hint of bitter amusement. Luckily for him these people couldn't take a hint if it was standing right in front of them completely naked. "Anyway, we were set up by the Pope, which you would have noticed if you weren't useless."

"Yeah, people are going to side with Zelos now that the Pope has officially been exposed as a total asshat." Mentioned Raine.

"What do you want?" the King asked.

"A pony!" cried Colette.

"We want to view the documents on the Ancient Kharlan War."

"They're on the second floor. Kthnxbai."

So off they went to go find the right book, but for some reason, everybody just kinda stood next to the bookshelves like a bunch of posts. The only people who actually looked like they were trying to find _anything _were Lloyd and Genis.

"It's no use! Plus, I think I chipped a nail." Complained Zelos.

Genis shook his head.

"I can't believe me and Lloyd have done all this searching and found nothing."

"Are there any other books?" Sheena asked.

"Libraries usually have books, Sheena, yes." Zelos said, smirking.

Sheena punched him.

"I won't give up, because all your problems in life can be solved if you just stubbornly bash your head against them over and over again!" Lloyd announced.

"Lloyd, it's okay...you can stop." Colette said, before walking forwards and tripping. AND GUESS WHAT? COLETTE FALLING ON HER STUPID ASS _AGAIN _WAS EXACTLY WHAT NEEDED TO HAPPEN!

"Plothole 33! Seriously, that's just stupid." Plothole girl commented, lowering the copy of _The Very Hungry Caterpillar _she had been flipping through and looking bored. "Bye!" she said, and went back to reading.

"Seriously? How old are you, five?" Genis asked her.

"Shut up! It's a classic!"

"Anyway, what does the book say, Professor?"

"...It says we need Zircon, Mana Fragment and Mana Leaf Herb to make something called a Rune Crest." Raine explained.

"What is happening to Colette?" Presea asked, wanting to know the grisly details.

"It says it's called Chronic Angelus Crystallus Inofficum. Just like Altessa said. It causes the entire body to become a Cruxis Crystal. But we don't have much time- it says the epidermal crystallisation begins within a few months, and then it spreads to the internal organs, and then finally..."

"...the subject dies." Colette finished.

"Well, I guess I don't need to sugar-coat it as usual. Yes, exactly." Raine shrugged, putting the book away.

"Then let's hurry. Cute girls deserve to live long." Grinned Zelos, then he glanced up at the ceiling in thought. "Albeit cute with an inability to walk in a straight line on a flat surface, the overwhelming urge to sacrifice themselves at the drop of a hat and apologising constantly. And flat-chested, but cute nonetheless."

"My company once handled Zircon." Regal piped up.

"Mana leaf herb...is probably in Heimdall." Raine said, grimly.

"The elven village?" Genis asked, which seems odd considering that it's never been mentioned in the story up until now and Genis claims to have no memory of Tethe'alla, so why on earth does he know that?

"But they don't let in anybody who isn't an elf. You can only get in if you have permission from the King of Tethe'alla." Zelos pointed out. "And he doesn't want to see my handsome face again. I guess I could try banging Princess Hilda..."

Rolling her eyes, Sheena asked, "But what about the Mana fragment? What is it, anyway?"

"...In the scriptures of Martel, there's a passage about it raining down from Derris-Kharlan." Said Colette, actually remembering something useful.

"That's the enemies' base. Let's save it up for later!" Grinned Lloyd. "Okay, let's go to Heimdall or Altamira."

Since they were already in Meltokio, the group went back to find the Princess.

"My father doesn't want to meet with anyone." The Princess told them, because it's absolutely acceptable for the King to behave like a stereotypical spoilt child.

"But we need to go to Heimdall." Lloyd whined.

"Princess, what about all the fun times we've had together?" said Zelos, batting his eyes.

"...Zelos, if you and your pink vest insist, I'll go ask my father." Hilda conceded, before walking off. Later, she came back. "Here."

And now it was off to Heimdall! ...Bleh.

* * *

"There's no mistaking it..." Raine said, as they went inside. "Heimdall lies ahead...I still remember."

Genis looked up, melancholic.

"Up ahead is...the place where I was born."

"Okay. Let's go." Said Lloyd.

...Wow, Lloyd, sensitive much?

_Lloyd gained the title, "Tact. Get some."_

Upon approaching the pedestal, Lloyd activated the Sorcerer's Ring.

"Hiya!" he shouted, idiotically. Then he paused. "Huh?"

"Nothing happened." Noted Colette. Regal glanced at Lloyd.

"It may be only used in specific place."

So Lloyd jumped up on a stump and tried again.

"Whoa!" he shouted, as a pig came out NOWHERE and promptly crashed into a tree.

Apparently, the Sorcerer's ring makes pigs commit suicide, fish do your bidding and birds carry you around. Damn.

Finding they could run through the dungeon, they thought they'd gotten off lucky this time, but a small annoying child was blocking the path.

"Hi! Can you let us through?" Lloyd asked.

"No!"

"Dude, quit trolling! Why not?"

"..." the boy replied.

"Well?" Sheena asked.

"This had better be important..." Raine muttered.

"You don't want to make us angry, kid!" Zelos said.

"Stop it, everyone!" Colette said, preachy. "You're scaring him!"

Excuse ME, but _whose_ illness is it we're trying to cure right now because _someone_ wouldn't just admit there was something wrong in the first place, Colette? Is it yours? Yeah, I think it might be.

"My mommy is sick...I need the Ymir fruit to cure her, but there are monsters..." the boy rambled on, as if anybody honestly gave a fuck about his problems.

"No problem, we'll get it!" Lloyd said. "Where can we find it, anyway?"

"Well, I don't know much about it, but-"

"- Give me a BREAK!" Zelos interrupted, getting cranky. "How can we get something when we don't even know where it is or what it looks like? God!"

"- But my mom said, if you're having trouble, the butterflies will help you."

"Follow the butterflies?" said Genis. "What is this, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets?"

So off everybody went, and excuse me, but this is the stupidest, most pointless dungeon ever, not only because of all the coincidences. (Like, why do the little fish help you but the demon ones aren't affected by the Sorcerer's Ring at all, just for starters?) And at one point, you have to push a box to get to a tree. But WHY was there a box in a tree? What was in it, anyway? Crack? Bubblewrap? Jars of marmalade?

But the biggest problem with this dungeon? Genis can do magic! Sheena can summon! Or, for the Mana-free option, COLETTE CAN FUCKING _FLY_. WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST HAVE DONE THAT INSTEAD OF GO THROUGH THIS WHOLE RIDICULOUS RIGAMAROLE?

"Plothole 34!" shouted Plothole girl, jumping out of a tree triumphantly, before jumping into the water and disappearing.

"Wow..." blinked Lloyd.

Whatever, I'm done ranting now. So after giving the annoying brat his stupid Ymir fruit, everybody went into the village, except for Raine and Genis, because everybody is a little bit racist. And then, suddenly...

"KRATOS!" Lloyd shouted dramatically. "So you do know how to cure Colette's illness!"

"And what?" Kratos replied, like his 'aloof' thing just never gets old.

"Why are you helping us? How did you know what we were supposed to do before we did it? What the hell!"

"What do you hope to accomplish by asking that?" he asked, bored.

"Um, well..."

"Hurry up. Idiot."

The village reminded me a bit of Ozette, for some reason. The elves were kind of snotty and rude, but whatever. They got to the Mayor's house.

"Mana Leaf herb, you said?" he asked, holding up a megaphone to his ear.

"Yes. We need it." Lloyd said.

"It's an important plant. We use it in our magic. We can't just tell any old slack-jawed yokel where it grows or they'll try and smoke it or something."

"Damn." Sheena mumbled.

"But we have a friend who is sick! She has...uh...Ch...Chr..."

"Chronic Angelus Crystallus Inofficium." Presea The Human Dictionary recited.

"Yeah, what she said."

"What!" gasped the Elder. "But that's Martel's...so that's why Kratos..."

"Did you just say Martel?" Sheena asked, in surprise, but it was drowned out by Lloyd.

"KRATOS!" he yelled. "What did he come here for?"

"Nevermind that. Show my staff to the watchman and he should let you go get the Mana leaf herb."

"Oh, thanks, we really-"

"And now you have to go to Latheon Gorge!"

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU-

* * *

As always, reviewwwwww!


	30. Epileptic Tulips

Hello readers!

Man, my updating has truly gotten awful. XD I meant to finish this chapter last month, but things just kind of got on top of me (figuratively speaking) and I just sorta...didn't. Writer's block is a terrible thing, you know. Luckily the next chapter is (in my opinion) funnier and is half-written, so it won't take so long. Last chapter, you may recall I asked you guys to start voting for Soulmates. Here are the current standings:

Lloyd x Sheena: 1  
Lloyd x Colette: 1  
Lloyd x Plothole Girl: 1  
Lloyd x Raine: 1  
Zelos x Lloyd: 1  
Zelos x Plothole Girl: 2

Wow, Plothole Girl sure is popular, considering she has one purpose in the story. XD Please continue to vote! (If the standings are a tie, I'll just pick the top pairing(s) I think fit into the story best. Incidentally, I'm pretty accepting of several pairings, but in case you couldn't tell, I don't really like Colloyd. XD And I don't care how many votes it gets, if any, I won't write Gesea. It grosses me out.) A shout-out to my anon reviewers, since I can't thank you via PM. XD

Anyways, enjoy!

* * *

Arriving at Latheon Gorge, the group stood around for a refreshing running commentary, which was what they liked to do upon entering a new place.

"What's that?" Lloyd said, looking up at some epileptic tulips.

"It's big and pretty!" Colette said, with a dumb, blissful smile.

"It's big, but it ain't pretty." Sheena noted, hand on her hip.

"There's another one over there...but that one's alive." Genis said. "Raine, what is this?"

"I've read about this, since my entire point of existing is to explain things." Raine said. "There's a plant which, if you provide it with food, begins to blow air."

Zelos giggled at the word 'blow'.

"That's our Professor! I think I'm falling in love with you all over again, even if you are part of a racial minority!" he gushed.

"That flower over there is blowing air...so there is food in this valley?"

"Well duh." Raine mumbled.

"Um, Professor, is it me or are you ignoring my words of love lately?" Zelos inquired.

Yeah, Zelos, how could she do that? Nevermind the fact that you hit on everyone female anyway and therefore your words of love are just meaningless compliments...

"So it should be useful to us," Lloyd noted.

"Yes, I agree." Presea intoned.

"Presea, not you too!" whined Zelos.

"Oh, my god Zelos, do you, like, DIE if somebody isn't lavishing you with attention for five minutes? Sheesh!" Lloyd said.

"Do you even need to ask?" Sheena asked, flatly.

_Zelos gained the title, 'Attention Whore!'_

Why nobody else was a bit disturbed by these plants that seemed to be doing jazzercise or something was beyond me, but I suppose after watching an enormous tree having an apocolyptic tempter-tantrum you'd shrug off some mini-plants too, even if they are cannibals. Seriously, you have to feed them kirima _fruit_ and amango _fruit _to make them either wither or not-wither, does that strike anybody else as odd?

Whatever.

So firs, they fed a plant a kirima fruit and used a Sorcerer's ring pedestal, which put them in an enormous bubble. A bubble that was frankly kind of useless, since it let them fly about in the wind but didn't protect them from all the random monsters wandering around. Lame.

At one point of running up yet another chunk of grassy hill, they stumbled on something...

"The Nebilim's key is vibrating!" said Lloyd, as they spotted another one of the blue chests. "Hey, should I put it in my pocket and see what happens?"

"No, let's...just open the chest, Lloyd."

So they did, gaining Presea's Devil's Arm.

_Acquired 'Diablo'!_

"Hey, Lloyd, are we there yet?" Zelos asked, like a three-year-old stuck in a car. "How far is it to this Storyteller dude? All this, like, climbing is making me all sweaty!"

"Hey, how should I know?" Lloyd replied, all annoyed. Presea slowly turned to look at Zelos.

"...Zelos...you're pitiful."

After a LOT of floating about in a stupid bubble and being constantly buffeted around by annoying flowers and generally having to do a very annoying, fiddly dungeon, they finally reached the Storyteller's cottage.

"Hi, are you the Storyteller?" Lloyd asked, upon entering. "Can we have some Mana Leaf Herb plz?"

"Seriously, you barge into my house out of nowhere and the first thing you do is start demanding extremely rare herbal medicine from me?" deadpanned the Storyteller. "Uh, I mean, oh wow, humans and half-elves!"

"Yes, aren't we the diverse bunch?" sighed Raine.

"Well, normally I would tell you to help yourself, however..."

"Huh? Is there a problem?"

"It's in a difficult place...I'm not sure if you'll be able to get it." The Storyteller went on.

"Dude, my thighs are aching like crazy after climbing this stupid mountain. If it's in a difficult place, we'll just send Lloyd, because he's pretty much indestructible due to stupidity!" grinned Zelos.

"Hey!"

So after some more half-hearted begging/whining, the Storyteller took them outside and pointed the way, presumably to get them out of his house for as long as he possibly could.

"The leaf can be found in the cave ahead. Be careful."

"Let's DO THIS!" shouted Lloyd, and promptly ran off. Everyone stared.

"Oh my god, he just ran in..."

_Lloyd gained the title, "Leeroy Jenkins!"_

* * *

The cave, as it turned out, was hidden beneath the waterfall. I'm pretty sure this has already been done in Ocarina of Time, but whatever.

"Ah, I see...you had to split the waterfall to enter." commented Raine.

"It was indeed in a difficult place." Regal said.

"But the waterfall is split in two, so we don't have to worry about it!" Lloyd pointed out, presumably forgetting everybody else was equipped with a pair of eyes as well.

After using the fail'o'bubble one more time, they entered the cave.

"Ah-ha! So that's the plant!" Lloyd shouted. "And I like red! And here's a shoe! That's a rock! And Zelos has a nice ass! And- wait, did I just say Zelos-?"

"Lloyd, you already made that joke in chapter 23." Zelos told him. Lloyd blinked. So did everyone else. "Um, nevermind..."

"The plant sure is distinctive." Sheena said, squinting at it, as it seemed to have tentacles.

"You're saved, Colette!" Lloyd announced, either ignoring or forgetting that they had yet to get Zircon or mana fragment.

"...Yeah! Thanks, Lloyd."

Wow, Colette, try not to explode from enthusiam there, won't you?

Suddenly, the cave started to shake violently.

"Wh...what the mustard-?"

A gigantic plant-thing came out of the ground, and it looked kind of like Audrey 2 from Little Shop of Horrors.

"A giant plant!" Regal shouted.

"Oh, gee, really?" Genis asked, rolling his eyes. "I thought it was Santa Claus!"

"But it's not Christmas!" gasped Colette.

Anyway, they fought the plant, which was pathetically easy owing to everybody just equipping their weapons so they were fire-based and going to town on that sucker. It was defeated without much more ado.

"So that was why it was in a 'difficult place'." Raine stated, because apparently since entering the Gorge the party entered a contest to see who could needlessly point out the obvious the most.

_Acquired Mana-leaf herb!_

They made their way back to the hut.

"So you've made it back safely." observed the Storyteller. Sherlock Holmes, this one.

"Dude, why didn't you SAY there was a weird dinosaur-plant thing there?" Lloyd demanded.

The Storyteller responded with a Troll-face.

"Problem, everybody?"

...Come on, you have to admit it would have been hilarious if he really did that.

"By the way, have you lived here long?" Raine suddenly asked.

"Yes. It's my job to pass on stories onto new, clueless generations like yourselves."

"What kinds of stories?" Presea asked.

"Long ones. Such as legends of the elves descending from the sky, and the birth of humans...The rise and fall of the Balacruf Dynasty...the arrival of angels. The Giant Kharlan Tree. The Kharlan War...and the story of the hero, Mithos."

"Hey, hey, hey!" Zelos said, sounding kind of like Fat Albert/Krusty the Clown. "I thought Mithos was taboo in Heimdall!"

"Yeah, well this isn't Heimdall. I live here so I am not bound by the rules of Heimdall. I live by my own rules. Nobody else's. Not even my own."

"Just who was this Mithos? We here his name everywhere we go, and we ran into a little blonde shemale with the same name as him too which I'm sure is a total coincidence!" Lloyd blurted out.

"His name came up in the pacts with the Summon Spirits." said Colette.

"And it was involved with curing Colette's illness, too." Sheena mentioned.

Did these two accidentally get each other's scripts? Oh, wait, it's a moment to show what great friends they are now. Mmyeah.

"Mithos was...born in Heimdall. He was an outsider by constantly flicking his hair and generally being a diva, so eventually he was cast out of his village when the Kharlan war began. He ended the war with his companions so he could return to Heimdall, because he left his stereo there."

"...An outsider with improbable hair? ...Was Mithos a half-elf?" Raine whispered.

"Mithos was a half-elf? Impossible!" Zelos said, very racistly. (Just like Albi the racist dragon.)

"No, Mithos was a half-elf. One of his companions was a human and the other two were half-elves. They overcame that though and put an end to the war."

"Then why is his name taboo in Heimdall?"

"His name is Mithos Taboo?" Colette asked. Raine ignored her.

"It's because he's a half-elf." Genis stated.

"No, wrong. It is because the hero, Mithos, loved by Origin, is also a fallen hero."

Lloyd looked confused, but then again, that was kind of his other default expression aside from determined.

"A fallen hero?" he asked. "Loved by Origin? Mithos was gay?"

"Come on, Lloyd, did you really need it spelling out for you?" snorted Sheena.

"The ones who betrayed Origin and used the power of the magic sword to split the world in two were none other than Mithos and his three companions. Mithos Yggdrasill, his older sister Martel, and their companions, Yuan and Kratos. The four angels that totally screwed the world over, and that is why their names are forbidden in Heimdall."

DUNDUNDUNDUUUUUUUUN!

"...What."

"Oh. My fucking. God."

"No way!"

"Ya way!

And much wigging out commenced. At least, in my imagination it did. I mean, a group flinch with everyone getting an exclamation mark above their heads doesn't do such a ball-shatteringly huge spoiler justice in my opinion. Even if Storyteller dude did at least get a dramatic close-up.

"That's impossible!" shouted Lloyd.

"Wow, Kratos is like, really REALLY old!" Colette gasped.

"Even an elf cannot live that long." Regal said.

"Angels can use special combat abilities developed during the Kharlan War. One of these abilities is to stop the body's internal clock, ensuring they stay young and hot enough to attract fangirls for years and years."

"I think...it is not good for a life-form to exceed the lifespan of its species." Presea stated.

Well that's YOU screwed then isn't it, sweetheart?

"I am SO confused." Lloyd whined.

"Really? We do know that this magical sword from Origin is the key to reuniting the two world, despite the fact this is the first time any of us has heard about Origin and Mithos' forbidden love." Zelos chipped in casually.

"Yes, we mustn't lose sight of our true goal." Raine said.

"...Yeah, you're right." Lloyd agreed.

"It's useless to waste time to think when you don't have any good ideas." Zelos and Genis both said.

Lloyd glared.

"You guys are dicks."

They left the Storyteller's hut, and then Lloyd remembered there was a weird statue that needed poking, so he ran back in.

"I am the amazing gourmet, the Wonder Chef-!"

"Yeah, yeah, we know, we've met you at least fifteen damn times already." Lloyd complained. "Just give us the recipe and go back to whatever messed-up planet you came from!"

"...Fine!"

_Learned how to make Pescatore!_

Lloyd blinked.

"The hell is pescatore anyway?"

"May the Giant Kharlan Tree protect you." The Storyteller added. "Now seriously, get out of my house."

* * *

"Now we just need the Zircon and the Mana fragment." Lloyd said, once outside.

"I'm also curious about Origin's magic sword." Raine said, and when Zelos giggled she bitch-slapped him before continuing as though nothing happened. "It might be the key to saving the world."

"But...it will be dangerous." Regal stated.

"Oh no! Quick everyone, Regal thinks it might be dangerous, guys! Let's just stay at home and do something else!" Genis mocked. "Pretty much every single thing we do is dangerous, stupid!"

"How are we going to get to Derris-Kharlan, anyway?" Lloyd asked.

"According to the scriptures, its entrance is the Tower of Salvation." Zelos said. "But we need my Cruxis Crystal and my sister has it. So let's go get the Zircon."

While all this was going on, Sheena was doing some kind of weird dance and Presea had a little sit-down, which was really random. With all these mind-boggling and somewhat creepy revelations at hand, it was time to hit Altamira!

* * *

Regal's bitch, aka George, was waiting for them at the Lezareno company.

"Is everything running smoothly?" Regal asked George, bizarrely.

"Yes, although some of out exsphere mines were raided, but the core was safe, none of which affects you people in absolutely any way whatsoever, so I don't even know why I'm mentioning it." George said. "We suspect Vharley was behind it."

"Oh, he's dead." Regal mentioned.

"Are you certain of this?" George gasped.

"Yeah, if you hit somebody with an axe, I'm pretty sure they die." Zelos said sarcastically.

"I see...is that why you came here, to report this?"

"No, I am here on other bsns, please unlock the door to the archives."

So he did, and they managed to find the documents, however it was NINJA'D away from them!

"Well, well...what do we have here?" Kuchinawa said, holding the documents.

"Kuchinawa!" Sheena gasped dramatically. Lloyd clenched his fists.

"The Pope is gone. Vharley is fat and dead. Why are you still being a pain in the ass?"

"...This is about me, isn't it?" Sheena sighed.

"Of course! Because of you and your enormous breasts, my parents and countless members of-"

"Lol, members!" giggled Zelos.

"-our village died. The Chief has not awoken from his coma in ten years!"

"I...I'm sorry..."

"You think apologizing will cut it? I'll never forgive you!"

God, talk about somebody who could really do with getting laid. Or, you know, a hobby of some sort. Like knitting!

"Kuchinawa! If I'm the one you hate-"

"Sheena, if you're going to suggest sacrificing yourself again, I'll never forgive you!" Lloyd burst out, rather dramatically.

Yes, sacrifice Chocolat instead, I beg of you!

"No. If I'm the one you hate, let's have a duel. A NINJA duel!"

"...Do you really think you can defeat me alone?" Kuchinawa asked, which seems stupid, since he's the one so desperate for revenge.

"Do you accept or not?" she demanded.

"Very well. Do you want to do it here and now?" Kuchinawa asked, and Zelos was trying not to die laughing, because everything this guy says seems to have _something _wrong with it.

"What? With all these documents of shit getting in the way? What are you, a library ninja?" Sheena asked. "We'll follow the village custom and fight on the Isle of Decision. Is that okay with you, Lloyd?"

Uh, Sheena, just why are you asking Lloyd? What does his opinion have to do with something that has nothing to do with him whatsoever?

"...I guess I can't stop you." Lloyd said, reluctantly. Kuchinawa shrugged.

"I'll be waiting for you on the Isle of Decision."

So whatever, they got the document back but Sheena had to fork over Corrine's Bell, because Kuchinawa is a dick like that.

"Sheena...I know how much that meant to you...as much as the day is wide." Colette said. "I'm sorry!"

"It's okay. All I have to do is kick his ass. I'm...not going to run away anymore. Let's stop by Mizuho when we have a more appropriate time to do side-quests, right now saving the life of my love-rival is much more important!" Sheena said, who has very weird priorities. "Where is the Zircon?"

"It says the last shipment was in Sybak."

"Let's-a go!" yelled Lloyd.

As everyone filed out, Zelos suddenly decided to angst.

"Won't...'run away anymore'...dammit, what should I do? Well, apart from stop talking to myself out loud..."

* * *

When the group got to Sybak, there was, as usual, someone there preparing to kiss some Chosen ass.

"Ch...Chosen one! Please forgive me!" whined one Researcher.

"What? Just because I'm a Chosen doesn't mean I want to hear your sins or whatever." Zelos said, flipping his hair off his shoulder.

"I heard that a ten foot tall angel descended from heaven, and devoured all those who opposed the Chosen!"

"And people say we live in a skeptical world these days." Raine muttered, wondering if smart people were an endangered species or something.

"Wow, I didn't know they have scary angels like that! Herp derp!" Colette gushed.

Everyone else groaned into their palms.

"Th...that girl with the Cruxis Crystal and glazed expression doesn't devour people, does she?"

"What do you think she's going to do, dislocate her jaw and swallow you whole? Don't be stupid." Sheena said. (Which, incidentally, is how snakes eat. Cool, right?)

"I trust the Chosen! Really!" yelled the Researcher. How is this guy allowed near expensive equipment?

"Good, good. Give us some Zircon and we're all good." Zelos said, smoothly. "Bribery is always alright with Zelos the Chosen!"

So they went off and collected their Zircon, and now it was time to visit Zelos' mysterious sister, who lived in the South Eastern Abbey, which is such an unimportant area that it takes absolutely ages to find the first time you play this game.

Inside, there was a young girl who was dressed like she was about to appear in a live-action version of Hansel and Gretel.

"Big bro- I mean, I see that the Chosen is his usual self, wandering around aimlessly." she said.

"Yo Seles! I need that Cruxis Crystal I left with you!"

"As you wish! After all, it rightfully belongs to the Chosen." she said, with about as much subtlety as a tank.

"Yep!" Zelos agreed, bluntly.

"Now, if your business here is done, I humbly request that you leave. Immediately."

"All right, all right. Guess I'm as unpopular as ever...woe is me...guess I'll go home to my mansion filled with presents now."

"W...wait...big bro..."

"Hmm? What is it, my darling little sister?" Zelos drawled.

"Nothing!"

"Oh, alrighty then."

Zelos then wandered off.

"Please take care..." mumbled Seles.

"HE COULDN'T HEAR THAT, YOU KNOW!" Lloyd said, loudly.

Seles looked panicky.

"I didn't say anything! So it doesn't matter if my big brother could hear it, because there was nothing to hear anyway and therefore this whole conversation is redundant!"

"Aha! You called him big brother!" Genis crowed.

"N..no, I didn't! There's no way I'd have a brother like that, ignoring the fact we look pretty similar. Now please leave!"

Tsundere alert!

"Well, what do you think? I'm well loved, aren't I?" Zelos said, taking all this suspiciously well.

"She's certainly not very friendly...and her hat looked tasty, like a gingerbread hat..."

Zelos shook his head.

"Don't be too hard on her. She was sickly ever since she was a kid. But despite that, her mother...Ah, never mind."

"As you left, she said, 'Please take care'."

"Oh. Well, anyway, we're ready to go to the Tower of Salvation now, right?"

"Yeah!" Lloyd said, vacuously, despite the fact that Zelos was clearly dying on the inside to talk about his angsty backstory and that was a thin attempt at changing the subject that worked because Lloyd is an idiot. Ignorance is bliss, I guess.

* * *

The Tower of Salvation looked kind of messy. There were chunks missing from the stairs and there were random strips of what looked like earth floating pointlessly overhead.

"Coming here reminds me of my journey to regenerate the world." Colette said, as opposed to the time when they had a picnic in the Tower of Salvation.

"But this time we're here to cure your illness," Lloyd reminded her, which he really didn't need to, since _everything _is about Colette.

"I'm curious to see what the design of Tethe'alla's Tower of Salvation is like!" salivated Raine. "Now Zelos, open the door! Quickly!"

"You know...you can be really scary sometimes. Kind of like a dominatrix. Which is hot. So you're, like, scary-hot." Zelos said. Then he approached the oracle stone and used it to open the door, which apparently was a really big deal for him.

"Oooh, yeah! Check me out! Am I the sexiest Chosen ever or what! Hell to the yeah!"

"Yeah, yeah, well done Zelos, woohoo." Lloyd said, already bored. "Can we go inside now?"

Zelos laughed very disturbingly.

"Roger!"

"No, it's 'Lloyd'..."

"That was a very disturbing laugh." Regal said, thus cementing my previous statement.

"Zelos...your nymphomania aside, is something wrong?" Presea asked.

"What?" Zelos blinked.

"You're even more...um..."

"Even more weird and obnoxious then usual? Nah, he's always like that." Sheena commented, blandly.

Zelos did his disturbing laugh again.

"Ssshe's pretty ssssharp..." he drawled, which was even MORE disturbing then the laughing.

They finally entered the tower to see more of the floating coffins. Lovely. Zelos wrinkled his nose.

"Ugh."

"Ghastly." stated Regal.

"Such a sad place..." Presea whispered.

"It kind of reminds me of your house, Presea!" Colette said, chipper. "You know, what with the dead people."

Presea twitched.

"Wait a minute...is this really Tethe'alla?" Sheena asked.

What else would it be, Narnia?

"Yeah! ...It looks exactly the same as Sylvarant's Tower of Salvation!" Genis gasped.

"My body...I can't stop-"

"Work that body, work that body! Make sure you don't hurt nobody!" shouted Lloyd, once again singing for no apparent reason. And yeah, I just made a Space Jam reference, wanna make something of it?

"What body?" Zelos snorted.

"- shaking! This is the same place!" Colette whined.

Raine had run over to one of the smashed pillars to the upper left of the room they were in.

"Lloyd. Remember this?"

Lloyd ran over.

"That's...wait, I broke that, but somehow didn't manage to break my spine!"

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Kratos appeared! Say it with me, everyone: OH MY GOD IT'S KRATOS!

"The two worlds are connected here. Of course, it's the same place." he stated, slowly.

"Kratos..." Lloyd said dramatically. "It's you again. Who are you, really? Are you really Mithos' companion from 4,000 years ago?"

"Good. Since you've figured it out, it means I don't have to explain. We will take the Chosen as a new body for Martel."

"You're still trying to do that? Are you so willing to resurrect some not-Goddess you're willing to distort the entire world in the process?"

Damn, that was pretty good vocabulary coming from Lloyd. Kratos drew his sword, which honestly looked like it was made out of hard candy.

"I have no need to explain." he said arrogantly, which has to be one of the most clichéd lines ever.

"...So in the end, you really are our enemy, despite the fact you're constantly showing up wherever we are to give us advice. I kept thinking, hoping you might be good...but you're not!"

"I should think that would be obvious at this point. Have at you!"

Fine, fine, he didn't say have at you. I'm working with what I've got, here!

"Don't hold back this time!" Lloyd yelled dramatically.

...But whether or not Kratos held back became a totally moot point, as suddenly freaky possessed doll-like things surrounded everyone, who just stood there turning left and right over and over again like a bunch of idiots. Kratos stood before Lloyd.

"I would advise against resisting, for there will be no mercy this time."

And they were taken, on the floating platform of doom...to Welgaia!

Dundundundunduuuuun!

* * *

Meh, this chapter feels a bit filler-ish because of the mini-scenes, but that's just the direction the plot takes us, I suppose.

Until next time!


	31. And everyone forgot they could fly

Oh, look! I'm back!

I'm posting this chapter pretty late at night/early in the morning, so I'll keep this short, but it still looks like Zelos x Plothole girl is in the lead for the final pairing. (If it ends this way, I'll just pick my personal favourite for Lloyd and do that.) I WAS going to do teh dramatic reveal, but this chapter took me a long time to write because Welgaia is tricky and boring and I just didn't have the strength. XD But I hope you guys still like it.

Enjoy!

* * *

After a quick jump cut, the group woke up to find that they were in separate cages in some place. Lloyd then turned to the other guys and dropped this wtf bomb into the conversation;

"Are we still alive?"

ARE WE STILL ALIVE? WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF IDIOT QUESTION IS THAT?

"Well, up until the Angels complete Colette's treatment. She's useless the way she is now." Zelos mentioned.

"Like that's news to anybody." Genis said. "Maybe we've been tricked, _again_. Kratos had us gather the materials to treat Colette, then had us bring her here like the gullible collective we are."

"Kratos used us?" Lloyd asked.

"Yes, Lloyd, that's what I just- you know what, never mind."

"...I feel guilty for letting this happen to Colette and the others." Regal stated, redundantly.

"I really wanna know why I keep getting captured and having my butt thrown into jail all the time!"

Zelos smirked.

"You sure you haven't been doing anything to deserve it? You know, like wandering directly into enemy base, for instance?"

"We should just be glad we have our lives." Regal said.

"Yeah." said Lloyd.

Jeez, Lloyd, thanks for that contribution, it really adds another dimension to the conversation!

Luckily, at least he attempted to do something useful and had a go at breaking the door.

"Damn! This thing is as solid as Regal's abs! And for once my uber lock-picking skills aren't working, because I can only ever open tiny, waist-high gates that any old dipshit could just jump over!"

"Same here. It won't budge at all." Sheena said, from the girl's cell.

"Can Colette or Presea break it?" Lloyd asked, because apparently Sheena's abilities to call teleporting monsters weren't working either.

"Nope..." Colette said.

"..I'm sorry my freaky strength amounts to practically nothing in a critical situation." Presea sighed.

"So, we're fucked. Let's play slaps!" Lloyd suggested.

"...Move." Regal demanded.

"Whoa, dude, talk about rude! Didn't anybody ever tell you to say please?" Lloyd complained, so Regal pushed him out of the way and then he FUCKING MANAGED TO PULL A HAND-NUKE ATTACK ON THE DOOR, instantly blowing it to smithereens.

"WHOA!" Lloyd shouted. "How in the name of mustard did you do that?"

"Well, I specialized in fighting with my hands, not my feet..."

"Then why don't you just fight with your hands?" Zelos demanded, saying what the whole audience was thinking.

"I swore I would never use these hands to fight again, even though literally nobody is holding me to this promise, even the person I originally killed. This time I did it to save you, Lloyd."

But barring Regal's mancrush on a boy at least half his age, one question remains. Which was something along the lines of, oh, I don't know...uh, WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT WHEN BOTTA AND HIS MOOKS WERE DROWNING, REGAL? What the _HELL? _You're the one who says you're with the group to fight Cruxis, yet you can't stop wangsting for ONE MINUTE to save an underground organization operative who is actively trying to bring them down? You douchebag!

_Regal earned the title, "Captain Asspull!"_

Whatever, so, ignoring the moral implications of Regal letting Botta die, they proceeded on. They were also blocked by obstacles such as the teleporter not working, so Colette actually used her wings for a change to go move them for a change.

"It seems the problem was resolved." Raine said, when Colette came back.

Raine, you're meant to be the smart one here. I'm disappoint.

Anyway, so they went upstairs.

"Whoa! They're all Angels!" Lloyd shouted, because the wings weren't a dead giveaway. "We'll get caught if we wonder around aimlessly like this!"

"You're right. Wow, did I just say that? Well, anyway, we'll pretend to be Colette's prisoners. She should be fine because she's an Angel."

Raine suggested this, even if Colette looks nothing like all the other creepy doll-like ones there.

"...Okay." Lloyd agreed.

Picking a random room to go in, a cut scene occurred.

"Hi!" Colette said, making no effort to sound like any other Angel at all. "Could I please have a fragment of mana?"

"Fragments of mana are no longer being distributed. Return to your area."

"You won't give us one?" Lloyd asked, stupidly.

"A human?"

"He's an experiment for Hi-Exsphere research." Raine said, nonchalantly.

"Oh, yes. I had heard those were being conducted. Can I see some I.D?"

"Do we need that?" Zelos asked impatiently.

"Of course."

Suddenly, a hologram of Kratos popped up, interrupting this painfully boring exchange of dialogue.

"We need a fragment of mana for the ritual of the Chosen. I sent a courier to pick it up. Also, I want some more complementary mints."

"Understood."

"Yeah, that! That's us!" Lloyd immediately said.

"Silence, human!" Raine ordered him, which didn't really sound all that convincing since she let him talk a second ago, but maybe she just likes being cold and domineering.

"We're with Kratos," Colette added.

Yeah, we're with the band.

The Angel dude, because he has a stick up his ass, started complaining about the group making up different excuses on the spot. I'm skipping some of his lines because if I have to write much more of it I'm going to start inflicting pain on something.

"While you're bitching on about these little details, you're keeping Yggdrasill waiting."

"That's right. Lord Yggdrasill is scary if you cross him." Genis added.

Instead of asking why exactly mere angels and their human prisoners had been interacting directly with Yggdrasill, he just did what they said, like a gullible mook

"A...All right."

So FINALLY, he handed over the mana fragment. Everyone quickly absconded out of there. There kept getting I.D blocked everywhere they went.

"We don' have any I.D..." Colette lamented, for totally different reasons a normal sixteen-year-old would.

"How are we supposed to get out of here?" Genis asked.

"That can't possibly be their only method of transportation. If that thing breaks, they're screwed, and not in the fun way either." Zelos added, flipping his hair.

"Yes. Let's have a look around."

Eventually, they got to some kind of information terminal. And not to be OCD about this, but there seemed to be elevators there. Elevators for...winged people. In a city that's filled with angels. That seems a bit convenient to me. Speaking of convenient, the group approached a computer.

"What's this?" Colette asked.

"It's a computer, you dumb bimbo!"

Raine tried to activate the machine, but despite the fact she's meant to be good at this sort of thing, it wouldn't work. I guess she's only good with machines when she can make them explode.

"It's useless." she said, irritably.

"Really?" Colette asked.

And hey, WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT, where Raine's 90's hacking skills failed, COLETTE'S STUPID PLOT-CLUMSINESS kicked in yet AGAIN and this made the computer switch on for no real reason. Fuck, you'd think ALL problems in this damn game could be solved in people just throw Colette at it. Raine stared.

"Oh...it started up...somehow."

"I'm so glad I didn't break it!" chirped Colette.

The machine then told the group there was an emergency teleporter thing that could get them back to Sylvarant/Tethe'alla and away from the annoying theme-music that was playing. However, Raine noticed something.

"This seems to be the data bank."

"Professor, can you operate it."

"Hm, well, I had a hard time getting it to turn on, so- Oh, wait, that was easy."

Reading the data bank, the group discovered a crapload of things, like the world was split in two by Yggdrasill using the Eternal Sword (because I guess it would be silly if he did it with the Eternal Kendama) to stop all the mana from running out. This was also why Summon Spirits guarded the mana links and some Summon Spirit called Origin that has literally only been mentioned once before apparently made the Eternal Sword, blah blah, source of Yggdrasill's power. (Can anybody seriously imagining that little cream cake wielding a sword, though? He looks like a moderate breeze could knock him out.)

"That's some pretty whacked-out things there," Lloyd remarked. "And considering how much weed I used to smoke, I'd know!"

"Lloyd, this is some very valuable information. We need to get out of here." Raine told him.

So they did, except instead of just getting ON the transporter and LEAVING, they had to stop and talk about it again!

"It looks like this is the emergency exit." Colette said, apparently hoping for a cookie as a reward for pointing this out.

"Okay, let's go before they see eight people standing around..." Lloyd said.

But OOPS, they were spotted! But luckily the Angels just hovered there instead of using their wings to get to them, and everyone managed to get away!

Then they proceeded the WORST dungeon in the game. Some of you may think Meltokio Sewers is the worst. Or maybe the Temple of Lightning/Darkness. Some may say the Ymir Forest, or Latheon Gorge. ALL these dungeons are annoying, yes. But this one SUCKS ASS. I hate the theme music, I hate the enemies, I hate the fact you have NOWHERE else to go until you finish the dungeon, because at least with the others you can exit and run off an inn or whatever if you're low on health, even if you have to start over. But not only can you not do that in this one, you also have to work out what are basically ICE puzzles, but with NO GRAVITY instead, and if you get it wrong, you end up going to the SAME places in the dungeon with NO CLUES WHATSOEVER about how you're supposed to proceed, aside from getting elevator keys, which is so unhelpful. To add to the fun, there are at least three or five of the damn things, and you have to get through them TWICE each at least, because half the time you go to a dead-end to press a button or pick up some random shit from a chest and then go back. So I apologize for skipping the dungeon yet again, but I absolutely HATE playing it, and I think writing about it (not to mention the absurd way they try to explain the lack of gravity, when nowhere else in Welgaia is affected that way) will make me want to jump out of something high up.

So without further ranting, I will skip ahead.

Oh, and they found Regal's Devil Arm, _Apocalypse, _which was randomly in Welgaia as well.

* * *

Lloyd approached the Eternal Sword.

"This is the sword Yggdrasill used to fling me into a stone pillar."

"...Could this be the Eternal Sword?"

"Haha, no way. Nobody's leave a sword that important in a place like this."

Yes, a place that only Zelos and Colette can get into...

"How about we take it to Heimdall and show it to the Elder?"

"Good idea. Old people are useful for that kind of thing." agreed Genis.

But as Lloyd approached the sword, a voice rang out.

_You have not the right._

"Holy shit it's a talking sword!"

The sword sparkled a bit and flung Lloyd onto his ass.

"Oww...what happened?"

Suddenly, a wild Yggdrasill appeared!

"A waste of effort. The Eternal Sword cannot be touched by those who lack the right."

"The right?"

"He must be talking about Origin!" Sheena exclaimed, realizing. "That's the sword Yggdrasill exploited Origin's mancrush to give to him!"

"Hahahaha! You really are a pathetic bunch," Yggdrasill cackled for whatever reason, before sighing. Is this guy bi-polar? "It matters not. Origin is under Kratos' seal and it is impossible for you to wield that sword and reunite the world. You suck and your journey is futile."

Lloyd glared at this Nancy boy in a unitard.

"Futile? You're the one making futile attempts to bring back the dead! Besides, what does splitting the world have to do with that?"

"The only reason the worlds still exist is because they were split in two."

"No!" yelled Lloyd. "It's because you split the world there isn't enough mana and countless people are whiny and suffering!"

Yggdrasill rolled his eyes (prettily, of course).

"Think for a moment. Why is there a shortage of mana? Well? What do you think, my fellow kinsman?"

For some reason, he looked over at Genis.

"Me? Um...because of the development of magitechnology resulted in a large consumption of mana?"

"Yes..And that led to a great war. War consumes an abhorrent amount of mana."

Zelos giggled because he heard the word "whore" somewhere.

"Don't change the subject!" said Lloyd. "There's a mana shortage because you won't let the great seed germinate!"

"I am not changing the subject!" Yggdrasill said, all indignantly. "Even if the Giant Tree were to be revived, there would be more war. What is it good for? Absolutely nothing! That is why I split the world in two: to isolate the powers that caused the foolish Kharlan War into the worlds Tethe'alla and Sylvarant."

Raine looked mad.

"By alternating between prospit and derse...um, I mean, prosperity and dearth, the development of magitechnology is subdued. So that was your plan..."

I'm amazed Raine didn't go Archeology Mode and kick Yggdrasill's Lycra ass here, but I guess that was too awesome to possible happen.

"Although, Tethe'alla has prospered for a little too long..." added Yggdrasill, menacingly. I guess he doesn't count Ozette.

"You're lying." said Lloyd, dramatically. "You're sacrificing the Great Seed just to save Martel!"

"That's right, just the way you abandoned the declining world of Sylvarant in order to save Colette. Yggdrasill said.

Oooh, he's got you there, Lloyd.

"...That's..." Colette said, pointlessly.

"What you're doing is exactly the same." Yggdrasill added. Lloyd clenched his fists.

"No, it's not!"

"Yes it is."

"No it's not!"

"Yes it is."

"No it's not!"

"Yes it is."

"No it's not!"

"Yes it is."

I could go on with this joke all day. I really could.

"No it's not!" Genis burst in. "Lloyd isn't like you!"

"What...?"

"Lloyd is looking for a way to save both worlds and he doesn't wear such an impractical, sissy outfit! You're a coward who gave up!"

Here, he made an angry fist. Like that was meant to intimidate anybody.

"It is the same thing. I am trying to create a world without discrimination. People hate and fear what is different, listen to me, aren't I tragic with my good intentions gone wrong? The solution is for everyone to become the same. That is the grand age I strive for."

"Everyone...the same...?" repeated Genis.

"Yes. Desians and Cruxis exist for that purpose. Why do you think we all wear the same outfits? The conflicts between the races will disappear, Genis."

Suddenly, he's on first name terms with the kid?

Genis seemed to be into this, because he moved closer.

"...People will stop treating us differently? Really?"

"Genis, don't fall for it! Think about how the exspheres are made! Think about your tragic romance with Marble!" Lloyd said.

"With revolution comes sacrifice. If you don't understand that, I shall have to kill you with my dazzling lights."

Yggdrasill teleported in front of Lloyd, even though he has wings he could have used.

"But first you'll hand over the Chosen."

"...No! I won't let you!" yelled Lloyd.

"Ah! I'm so popular!" giggled Zelos.

"Not you." Yggdrasill and Lloyd both said.

"Oh." he pouted.

So then they fought Yggdrasill for a bit, and the player didn't actually sleep through this battle because at least now the point WASN'T to get pitifully owned. Just when it was getting good, though, Colette casually knelt on the floor, which is meant to represent she's sick.

"Colette!"

Lloyd knelt down next to her, though he couldn't actually do anything more because he has no healing abilities.

"Now!" yelled Genis, randomly.

He then shot a pathetic little fireball at Yggdrasill, and we're supposed to believe it actually hurt him. Whatever. Suddenly, Pronyma appeared out of nowhere.

"Lord Yggdrasill!" she shouted, seeing her pimp was hurt. "You impudent! You may be one of us, but you'll pay for your treachery!"

She went to fire her lazer at Genis, but suddenly, Yggdrasill blocked the attack!

"W..why?" Genis gasped.

"Pronyma! What are you doing here?" Yggdrasill demanded, evidently unfamiliar with the face Pronyma just liked casually warping places.

"...Sir. Ah...new regards to that certain matter have..."

"...I understand this vague, nonsensical statement! Lloyd. Not always is there a way to save everyone. Remember that obvious foreshadowing."

Yggdrasill stared at Genis again before vanishing.

"...Why did he let us go?" asked Lloyd, puzzled.

Genis suddenly spotted the obvious-looking item on the floor and picked it up.

"It can't be...it can't be!" he moaned loudly.

Presea approached him and said her only other line in this chapter.

"What's wrong, Genis?"

Genis very obviously hid the flute behind his back.

"N...nothing."

Gasp! He just lied to Presea! I guess his crush on Mithos is just too strong.

"Lloyd, we must get Colette to a doctor as soon as possible. Again." Raine said, paying no attention to her little brother.

"Right. Let's gatecrash Altessa's again!"

_Genis gained the title, "Forbidden underage love is the best love!"_

* * *

Lloyd ran dramatically into Altessa's.

"Altessa!" he yelled.

"What's wrong?" he asked, alarmed in Lloyd dashing madly into his house.

"Colette's collapsed! Heehee, that sounds funny! Colette's collapsed! Colettecollapsed!"

"We have the necessary items to cure her." Raine said, pushing Lloyd out of the way.

"You found out how to cure it?"

"We want you to make a Rune Crest! I remember the process as described in a book, because I love books."

"LET US HURRY, MASTER." droned Tabitha.

"...Fine. Everyone else, wait outside, you're useless and will get in the way."

Everyone was sprawled around in random positions in the living room.

"I wonder if Colette's going to be okay." said Lloyd. "Also, why is disgruntled a word but not gruntled? Why is my fly still unzipped? Why do pumpkin insides smell so bad?"

"We've done everything we can." yawned Sheena, since having a life that was a cross between an action/fantasy movie and a soap opera must get tiring.

"She's right, Lloyd, and she also has big funbags-"

"ZELOS!"

"So eat something and get your chill on."

"I can't eat at a time like this!" Lloyd shouted, which is funny coming from the guy who thought a philanderer was edible.

"Don't say that. How about some carrots? Or a potato?"

"God, Zelos, you sound like a drug pusher." Lloyd complained, disgusted.

"Hey, what's wrong with you and Genis? Why so serious?"

"Yes, what's wrong, Genis?" chimed in Mithos, because if there was ever a time to lay it on thick, it was now.

"Mithos...actually..."

Suddenly Tabitha, Mithos and Altessa came outside.

"Colette's sleeping now." Altessa reported. "Why I cared enough to help her when I went out of my way to be as unhelpful as possible with Presea is confusing, but whatever. When she wakes up she should be cured of yet another angsty disease."

"I see...now Colette doesn't have to suffer anymore. Well, if you ignore her brain damage..."

"Okay, then!" grinned Zelos. "Let's have some dinner to celebrate!"

"What's with you?" Lloyd asked.

Zelos then glomped Lloyd from behind, fuelling their bromance to insane proportions.

"Cause we're bros, right? You have to eat. I'm worried about you."

Apparently Zelos is confusing "bro" with "Stereotypical Jewish Mother", but by the by.

"It looks like you're good friends." remarked Mithos.

"Yep! Doesn't it, though?" Sheena smirked, evidently enjoying the homoerotic display going on before her. "What do you know, dinner and a show."

"Are you tired, Genis?" Mithos asked, randomly.

"Mithos...we're friends, right?"

"...What? Of course. What are you talking about?"

"We're really, really friends, right?" Genis pushed, and wow, that's the biggest guilt trip I've ever seen.

"Y...yeah." Mithos said, very convincingly.

"I believe you, okay?"

Ignoring this scene of blatant foreshadowing, everyone continued stuffing their faces, all except for Lloyd, who was falling asleep standing up, a bit like a bird.

"I'm sleepy all of a sudden. I think I'll go to bed."

"It's not good for your digestion if you sleep right after eating." Raine nagged.

"Maybe your fatigue is catching up with you." Said Regal.

"I'm fine, I'm just going to lie down for a bit."

"Want me to come?" Zelos asked.

"What? No!"

"Want Sheena to come?"

"Huh?" Sheena said, blushing.

"Want me AND Sheena to come?" Zelos giggled.

"What the hell, Zelos?" Lloyd said, embarrassed, before running off to bed, to prepare for the DRAMATIC DRAMA that was going to happen...

...Next chapter!

_Zelos earned the title, "It ain't gay if it's a three-way!"  
_

* * *

Yeah, maybe THIS is how I'll solve the pairing dilemma. OT3. XD

Thanks for reading, as always. ~


	32. In which there is much pratfalling

To be honest, deciding how to go about writing this chapter was difficult. Thanks to all the different polls, reviews, PMs, etc, it's getting really hard for me to choose a final pairing. And to be honest, at risk of sounding like a hippie, it's not ABOUT the pairings, man! It's meant to be about the LULZ. Almost all of last chapter's reviews were about pairings, which isn't really why I'm writing this fic. XD

So I think what I'll do is this: Next chapter, I will take the most popular pairings and write each Flanoir scene. (So far, the most popular choices are Shelloyd, Colloyd, Zelloyd and Llorraine. Oh, and LloydPlothole Girl.) But I can't guarantee I will pick that pairing to be the final one, because I've been doing this fanfic for six years, I don't want to end it doing a pairing I don't like writing about. (And I have mentioned in previous chapters ships I like and ships I don't.) There's no way I'm going to be able to please all of you (lol) with this, but again, this fic is about COMEDY. That said, I liked writing this chapter in particular. :D

Enjoy!

* * *

After a dramatic camera-zooming, we cut over to Lloyd calmly lying in bed. He suddenly wakes up.

"My body...I can't move!"

Suddenly, Yuan is standing over him holding one of his lightning orb things!

"Do you want to meet your father?"

"What have you done with my Dad?!" cried Lloyd.

Because, yeah, Yuan standing over you while you're lying there _totally unable to move_is just a stroll through the park. No, let's respond to the craziness! It's also kind of creepy, Yuan standing over Lloyd while he physically can't defend himself. Not to mention, does Lloyd even know what Yuan is talking about? Does he think Yuan is talking about Dirk right now or does is he suddenly desperate to protect a Dad he assumed was dead and has never even heard of before now? We may never know.

Instead of answering this, Yuan chose to fucking teleport out of the room. Wow Yuan, that's a handy power you have! It's a shame Botta couldn't do it or he might not be dead!

Anyway, rather than try and wake everybody up in case this was some kind of trick, because Yuan has proved so trustworthy so far, Lloyd went outside and immediately had some low-level Renegades pointing swords at him. Minions, I might add, that Lloyd could probably kill in his sleep.

"Kratos?" Lloyd asked as he noticed Kratos and Yuan standing around like they were waiting for a bus. "The Renegades and Cruxis are enemies, aren't they? So why-?"

"Shut up." Yuan snapped. He closed his eyes. "Of course the drug should have everyone sleeping soundly."

Of course.

"Drug?" Lloyd asked, and then totally forgot about the fact his friends have been drugged when he suddenly asked, "What have you done with my dad? I swear if you've done anything I'll tear every last one of you to pieces!"

"Now now. Is completely freaking out any way to react when you're meeting your apparently-alive father for the first time?" Yuan said.

Kratos looked at Yuan.

"So it was you. You were the assassin who tried to kill me at Hima."

I guess blue hair, thunderbolts and a cape are pretty inconspicuous. Jesus Kratos, I thought you were supposed to be smart.

"Kratos. If you value your son's life at all you'll do as we say. Release Origin's seal, or Lloyd will die right here!"

Dramatic music began to play. Ignoring the fact that Yuan just _threatened to kill him_, Lloyd yelled,

"No! Kratos can't be my Dad! I...I can't believe that! I won't believe that!"

"Hello, I _am_standing right here." Kratos said, annoyed.

"How does it feel to have your son reject you like that?" Yuan goaded. What a troll.

Kratos responded by grunting. Yes, very emotional scene, isn't it?

"Judging by your annoying emotional constipation, I'd say you don't plan on releasing Origin's seal. If that's the way it's going to be, then you'll just have to die!"

I thought he was going to kill Lloyd, not Kratos?

Anyway, a mook stabs Lloyd in the stomach and all Kratos can manage is an exclamation bubble.

"One move, and your son dies!" shouted the mook. Yes, we get it now, no need to hammer it in.

"You changed once you got a family," whined Yuan, "You always blew off our Bowling Nights! When Anna turned into a monster that time fifteen years ago, you lost the ability to fight back."

"Wh-what?!" gasped Lloyd.

"If she had never been together with you, she never would have turned out like that." Yuan went on, pointing out the obvious just to be a tool. "Such an unfortunate woman."

Ignoring the fact the Renegades had been standing there with swords the entire time, Lloyd walked towards Kratos and Yuan, and one of the mooks _knocked him down_, complete with cheesy "thunk" noise, only for Lloyd to get up and continue walking like nothing happened. Are they _trying_to make this hilarious?

"Don't mock my mom!" Lloyd gasped out.

He then proceeded to do the most pathetic sword-slash at Yuan ever, which Yuan dodged without even moving his feet. Yuan used Thunderbolt, but Kratos blocked it.

"Kratos?!" Lloyd said.

"...Are you alright? ...Good." Kratos said. Then he fell down.

Yeah, they are trying to make this hilarious.

Overwhelmed by the dramatic drama of it all, Lloyd proceeded to do this;

"Uh...AAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGHHHHHHHH!"

Holy shit.

Just then, the door opened and Colette and Zelos proceeded to take about half an hour to appear in the doorway. The mooks held their swords up as they stood there.

"Lloyd? What's going on?" Colette bleated.

"What am I...what am I supposed to believe? ..." Lloyd moaned.

"Lloyd, calm down!" Colette said, wringing her hands.

"It's not true! Kratos can't be...The man who betrayed us and made you suffer, he couldn't possibly be...my dad." Lloyd continued.

...Yeah, Colette's suffering had nothing to do with the fact she refused over and over again to mention them and instead pretended everything was okay until the last possible moment. But I digress.

Anyway, the theme music changed as Zelos piped up.

"Hey, Lloyd! Don't disappoint me like that! Was everything you said up to now just a lie? You said that status and race and everything...none of it matters! Your heart is the same, pumping blood and oxygen through your body. Wow, I can't believe I'm spewing this."

"Zelos..."

"Ahem, anyway, don't give up! Don't let something as trivial as your old man shake you up! You're you, right?!"

Yes, having a Dad who's about a thousand-years old, works for the bad guy and has fucking wings is so goddamn trivial. Thank you for putting things into perspective, Zelos. Put out that the corny speeches had temporarily been given over to someone else, Colette piped up,

"...And don't forget...Kratos saved you."

"...Yeah, you're right." conceded Lloyd. Excuse me, what happened to the freak out? He knelt down beside Kratos. "Thanks."

"Egh." Kratos sighed.

"But I still can't call you dad."

Jesus Lloyd, the guy just took a thunderbolt to the back for you, at least let him down gently.

"Lloyd..." said Colette, who had no real right to interject here at all. Remiel was never even her goddamn father.

"I hate what you...what Cruxis does." Lloyd went on to Kratos, whom I bet wasn't even listening at this point. "Too many people have died! People from Sylvarant, people from the moon- um, Tethe'alla, I mean. They're all victims! I won't sacrifice the world to save Colette. I'm not going to stop believing until everyone can be saved!"

Botta, Marble and everyone from Palmacosta would like a word with you, Lloyd.

"Wow, that was an incredibly corny speech. Congratulations."

Couldn't have said it better. Just then Mithos came casually strolling out of Altessa's, looking like Colette's bitchy older sister who got woken up from her beauty sleep. As he was zapping mooks along the way with really badly animated light attacks, everybody just stood there like idiots. You'd think once one of them got zapped the others would have run away.

Mithos then turned to Yuan and managed to zap him so Yuan kind of flips, mid-air and lands, inexplicably on his stomach.

"Did you really think I didn't notice what was going on? How pathetic." sneered Mithos.

...Why didn't you stop it earlier, then?

"I had Pronyma keep tabs on Kratos, since he seemed to be dropping very obvious hints to Lloyd's group."

"Dammit! Yggdrasill! How the hell did you find out?!" Yuan said, like Mithos had found about a surprise party they were going to throw him.

"What?!" shouted Lloyd.

So the inexplicably well-dress Mithos who just so happened to be Ozette's only survivor was actually the evil Mithos Yggdrasill. Who could have seen that coming? Oh, except EVERYONE.

"That was a pretty amusing scheme you had going...to think those annoying Renegades were actually led by YOU. If it wasn't for my sister's wishes to keep her fuckbuddy alive, I'd kill you right now."

Mithos then proceeded to kick Yuan over and over again, whilst laughing like a shitty villain from black and white movies, complete with mustache. Is he meant to be threatening at this point? Because this is so far away from being threatening I can hardly stand it.

Yuan's drug had apparently just worn off, because everyone else came outside. Genis and Presea ran, everyone else just kind of strolled out.

"Wh...what are you doing?!" Lloyd shouted, but nobody tried to actually stop him kicking Yuan like a sack of clay.

"Mithos!" said Genis. "So it's true..."

"What's true?" Mithos asked, finally growing bored of Yuanball. "That you shouldn't have trusted me? No shit, _Genius_! Because I didn't trust you either!"

Mithos then turned to Genis, then looked at Presea and FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON AT ALL, decided to zap her, even though if he should be zapping anybody it ought to be either Lloyd or Kratos. Presea just stood there and gasped like a putz, but as the shitty ball of light reached her (and if you watch this scene closely, it even fades before it touches her), Altessa cried, "Nooo!" and leapt in front of Presea and flying into the air like he slipped on a banana peel or something. Also we narrowly avoided getting an Altessa upskirt, ick.

"Mithos...saved me...Mithos..." droned Tabitha.

"Shut up!" Mithos hissed before zapping Tabitha with a light ball.

Tabitha then went flying as well and started having a technical malfunction.

"How could you do that?! You even risked your life to save her!" Raine gasped.

"No, I didn't. I'm a fucking thousand-year old angel guy, an avalanche wouldn't have done shit." Mithos said, casually.

"Mithos, why? Why are you doing this?" Genis said dramatically. "How could you hurt Tabitha and Altessa? You got along so well with them!"

Why is Genis finding this so hard to understand? And really, Mithos didn't have any say in whether he liked Tabitha and Altessa or not, everybody just shoved him on them like a stupid toddler whenever they were in Tethe'alla. Mithos turned to the side and began addressing nobody.

"Tabatha...how I despise her...she looks so disturbingly like my sister! She's a failed vessel who couldn't accept my sister's soul! Just looking at her makes me sick!"

"You little bastard! How dare you betray my best friend!" Lloyd shouted, finally springing into action and using a demon fang.

...He also just tried to shoot Presea, killed some Renegades, probably ruptured Yuan's spleen and shot Tabitha, but yes, fuck you Mithos.

"Lloyd, stop!" Genis shouted, running in front of Lloyd. "Please, you're both my friends!"

NO HE'S NOT. He's been using your need to fit in with your own people to make you more trusting and have the group believe that he's a good guy so he can spy on them, Genis. That is not friendship, that's just being a toolbag.

Suddenly, Pronyma casually appeared on the scene, as she is wont to do.

"Lord Yggdrasill, your wounds are not yet healed." WHAT wounds? "Please, leave this to the Angels, and by that I mean, please throw some more of your soldier's at Lloyd's group for no reason at all."

Mithos stood up and switched into his David Bowie unitard.

"...All right." said Yggdrasill with Mithos' voice, which both looked and sounded really creepy. He also said this in a tone of voice like Pronyma had just asked him to go get a takeout with her.

Yggdrasill, Pronyma and Kratos disappeared in a big ball of light, only Pronyma's looked like a orb of blood or something. Some Angels appeared and were pretty much thrashed by everyone else.

Anyway, Lloyd then went to check on everyone, because they were all still standing around.

"...Tabitha..." Presea said.

"WEL...COME...PRESS A...TO START..."

Presea buried her face in her hands.

"I'm so sorry...I failed to protect you..."

...What the fuck? It's not Presea's job to protect Tabitha! Then again, maybe she feels like a kindred spirit with robots.

Raine was crouched beside Altessa, trying to heal him, but as usual, her healing powers only worked when it wasn't convenient for them to. (Remember Dorr, anybody?)

"...Oh, Lloyd..." Altessa said.

"Don't talk! Don't push yourself!" Lloyd ordered, like they were in a shitty medical drama.

"Altessa saved me!" Colette said, reminding us yet again of things that happened about ten minutes previously. "Please, Professor! Please save him!"

"I'm doing everything I can, god!" said Raine.

"Mithos, why...? Why did he do this?"

Because he's fucking Yggdrasill, Genis, not Mithos! Why do you still not understand this?!

Lloyd ran to Yuan.

"...Are you all right?" he asked.

"With all this, our efforts have been wasted." muttered Yuan. "Also I think my intestines are bruised."

"You planned to form the pact with Origin and use the Eternal, right?"

"Yes. And then we would have used the Mana Cannon to destroy that infernal tower, also canons are awesome, allowing the Great Seed to germinate. That was the plan. Upon learning of your existence from a Desian inside, I was sure I could force Kratos into co-operating."

"You...didn't approve of Mithos' age of Half-elves?"

No fucking shit, Lloyd. If he approved why would he be trying to stop him?

"That was a twisted perception of Martel's last wish. It's not what she actually wanted at all."

"What was Martel's last wished?" Colette asked.

"She said she wanted to see a world free from discrimination, which is probably the easiest thing to misinterpret in the world."

Lloyd shook his head while everyone else stared at the floor. Yuan then got up and started walking.

"You shouldn't move." Lloyd pointed out.

"No, I have to go evacuate the Renegades before Yggdrasill zaps them all into oblivion."

"Wait. Is Kratos really the only one who can release Origin's seal?"

"I like seals." said Colette.

"Yes." Yuan replied. To Lloyd, not Colette. "The seal will be released on freeing the mana from his body."

"Won't he die if that happens?" said Regal.

"Yes. The seal is based on Kratos' life." Yuan said.

Oh snap.

"Are you saying we have to trade Kratos' life to get the Eternal Sword?" Lloyd gasped.

"You won't be able to use it anyway." Yuan said. "It does not require the power of a big-breasted summoner. You merely have to be acknowledged by Origin, but there is something not even you can change. Only half elves can wield it."

"That's what Mithos...Yggdrasill said too." Lloyd replied, confused.

"That sword was created for Mithos by Origin."

Yuan then strolled off after dropping that bomb. I don't really know why Lloyd is so surprised, though. Did he think an all-powerful magical sword was just sitting there for thousands of years until Mithos happened upon it? (Again, wouldn't it be hilarious if it was the Eternal Kendama or Eternal Chakrams instead?)

So anyway, Altessa was dying or something.

"Is Altessa...going to be all right?" Presea said, showing a lot of concern for a guy who was willing to let her die once upon a time.

"I managed to administer first aid using the unicorn horn, but we need to bring him a doctor." Raine answered.

Seriously? The unicorn would be rolling in his watery grave right now.

"Since he doesn't use an exsphere, healing arts won't be very effective." Zelos added.

Why? No, seriously, why?

"I know a good doctor-" began Sheena.

Lloyd gasped.

"Is he a ninja doctor?!"

"What? No! Don't interrupt my only line!" Sheena said, before clearing her throat. "Anyway, we called on him when our Chief suffered a serious injury."

Shame this doctor isn't as good with comas.

"Let's go there, Lloyd." Colette said, idiotically. "Let's get the doctor for Altessa!"

"I wish he was a ninja..." whined Lloyd. "Okay! Let's go to Flanoir!"


	33. Dashing through the ships

Good news, everyone! I finally have finished all my work for the summer! Here's the chapter I know a lot of you have been waiting for. It was actually pretty tricky to write, but it's finally done and not half bad. :D I started replaying TOS again, and much inspiration has been flowing. And look, I'm finally over 100,000 words!

Enjoy!

* * *

When everybody got to Flanoir, Zelos had picked a fantastic time to just wander off, again. They need to keep that guy on a leash or something.

"Why is he wandering off at a time like this?!" Sheena demanded.

"Let's go see the witch Doctor first!" said Lloyd.

When they got to the Doctor's, there was Zelos, who was, as usual, talking to himself.

"Aionis is that weird rock they had me ingest..." he mumbled to himself. "Use that to make the ring of the pact and drink a gallon of Pepto Bismol...can I...really do this?"

"Zelos! This is no time to wonder around and hit on Snow bunnies!" shouted Lloyd. "Why are you mumbling to yourself like a crazy old drunk?"

"Lloyd, you're late!" said Zelos. For a very important date!

"What? I got to Flanoir the same time you did, you weirdo." Lloyd replied, confused.

"The hospital's right here. Hurry up." added Zelos, choosing to ignore Lloyd.

They ran in. I love how they always seem to be running everywhere.

"Doctor!" shouted Sheena.

"Oh, my, if it isn't Sheena! It's been a long time, how is everybody in Mizuho? Still a village of ninjas?"

"It's an emergency!" Sheena said. "We have someone who's about to die!"

"Oh my, sounds like things aren't quiet and peaceful."

...Is this guy supposed to be a professional? If you walked up to a surgeon and they said that to you, you'd be thinking there's something fucking wrong with them.

"Stop standing there chatting and get your shit together!" Lloyd said.

"...It'll cost you."

So Lloyd proceeded to argue that the Doctor was taking advantage of people in need, ignoring the fact that, um, this is how the guy earns a living, idiot. Whatever. So after some really pointless arguing, the Doctor then said,

"I'll need an escort."

Regal, Presea and Genis all turned to look at him.

"Okay, you three can come with me."

"...Why do you need an entourage?" Genis asked.

"It makes me feel important." replied the Doctor.

And they left, with the Doctor also taking Raine with him despite the fact that he only asked for three people...game programmers, why? Don't you know how difficult it is to get Zelos to love you and how impossible it is to shake off Colette? DO YOU?!

Anyway, Lloyd was inside, marveling at the snow for some reason. Someone knocked on the door.

* * *

"Who's there?" giggled Lloyd.

"Hey, do you have a sec?" Sheena asked.

"What's up, dude?"

"Wanna come outside with me? It's snowing and it's really pretty."

Lloyd happily agreed, mostly because he wondered what Sheena's boobs would look like in the cold.

"Everyone's asleep. It looks so peaceful when it's snowing like this." commented Sheena, on the balcony.

"Yeah." Lloyd said, and then because he really knows how to kill a mood, "Of course, Cruxis is up there planning on turning everybody into clones..."

"Do you really think discrimination would disappear?" Sheena asked. "I mean, I'm a human. But the people of Mizuho have always had a gap between them and the people of Tethe'alla...even in Mizuho, I stood out."

Well, maybe if they weren't a super-isolated village of ninjas who insist on spying on everyone else, people would like them more, but whatever. I guess their only neighbors were Sybak and Ozette, so they were comparatively screwed.

"Maybe Mithos hates both of the bloods that course through his body?"

"I can kind of understand. I mean, since I'm literally the only non-Angel person who can Summon, I probably have elven blood in my ancestry somewhere. Only those of elven blood can call upon Summon Spirits, because Elves get everything cool. Almost any uses of mana, too."

Doesn't it say somewhere in-game Sheena was abandoned by her parents in the Death Forest? I think they were probably a human and half-elf who escaped Sybak and ran for the Forest because the Grand Tethe'alla Bridge was too heavily guarded. Since it's the forest of _death_, though, they didn't last long and baby Sheena was found by Igaguri. Headcanon!

"Then, Kratos and Zelos too?"

"Probably. When I first made the pact with Corrine, people started to look at me differently, probably because they were wondering where they could get a Pokémon of their own. And I thought, this is how half-elves must feel all the time."

"Did you ever wish you were different?" Lloyd asked, amazingly insensitively. Um, Lloyd, how can you not have noticed Sheena was kind of cripplingly insecure when you first met her?

"I've lost count of the times I've wished it. But I think that it's because of my Summoning powers I met Corrine, and all of you."

"Yeah, somebody might have actually spared us a million 'I'm sorry's' and killed Colette like they were supposed to."

"When I think about it like that, I think everything a person possesses is important in some way. My powers, Colette's powers, Raine and Genis' magic…"

"In other words, you have your summoning abilities because they're needed."

No shit, Lloyd.

"I always thought of myself as a burden."

"I see."

…How does Lloyd get all these people falling over him? Seriously, 'I see'? He's hardly waxing comfort!

"But after seeing you say what you mean, getting your ass handed to you by Kratos and Yggdrasill over and over again when a sane person might have given up, I started to think that maybe I could just be…myself. I mean, if _you_ can function in everyday life…"

"Everybody can live their lives how they want! I'm going to challenge Mithos and end this once and for all! I don't think we should carry on Cruxis screwing the rules."

"I agree. Sitting around waiting is not my style."

"I know, right? You and I think alike! That's why we're great friends, Sheena!" grinned Lloyd.

"...Yay. Friends. That's totally what I was hinting at."

"You don't want to be friends?"

"Idiot."

_Sheena acquired the title, "It's not like I like you or anything! *blush*"_

* * *

"Who's there?" Lloyd asked, with a weird feeling of deja vu.

"Lloyd, did I wake you?" asked Colette, as she walked in. "It's snowing outside."

"...It's always snowing in Flanoir."

"Yeah! It's really cold!"

"Why are you so happy? Did you take a Red Bull or something?" Lloyd asked, and then he was confused because he didn't know what a Red Bull is.

"I'm so excited that I can tell it's cold! I'm so _happy_!" squealed Colette, nauseatingly.

Some of you may think I'm being a little harsh on Colette (if you do and you're surprised by it, where have you been this entire fanfic?) then yeah, okay; you're going to be grateful that you can feel when originally you were supposed to die. I get that, it's understandable, but seriously, why is she mentioning this now? She says nothing about how great it is to be cold when you first go to Flanoir, or the Ice Temple, for that matter. It's just weird timing to me.

"That's right; you couldn't feel anything at all just a while ago, could you?"

"Say Lloyd, if you don't mind the cold, how about we go for a little walk?"

"Meh, okay."

"Look, look! You can see out at the whole city! It's so beautiful!" gushed Colette.

"Yeah," said Lloyd, because he is so articulate.

"Lloyd, do you remember what Kratos said?"

"Kratos says a lot of things." blinked Lloyd. "Like not to stand behind him."

"He said that we can throw the Exspheres away at any time. But right now, we need to carry the burden of the hopes and dreams of the victims and fight on their behalf."

And, you know, both Colette and Kratos explicitly said that everybody in the group would have lost if it wasn't for exspheres. People in this game can wax lyrical about how awful they are all they want, doesn't ever seem to occur to anybody to throw that shit away.

"...Oh, that. That was when Kvar was explaining what Human Ranches are for to us, for some reason." said Lloyd.

Again, the guy should've been a tour guide.

"Kratos was talking about your mother, wasn't he?" said Colette, insensitively.

"But he works willingly for the boss of the guy responsible for turning my mom into a cucumber monster!" yelled Lloyd.

"I don't think that's true." Colette said, but of course for her, thinking anything was a novelty. "Kratos saved us over and over again. And he protected you too, Lloyd. And so, I'm sure he cares about both you and your mother. He's a wonderful father, don't you think?"

Um, no Colette, Kratos was going to sit there and let Yggdrasill take you to Derris Kharlan to be Martel's flesh puppet and kill Lloyd when you first went to the Tower of Salvation, not to mention he's been manipulating everyone from the get-go and only got cold feet because he found out Lloyd was a blood relation. That hardly makes him eligible for Father of the Fucking Year award.

"...is that why you brought me out here? To tell me that?" Lloyd asked, annoyed.

"Um, hmm...yeah, I guess that was part of it."

Colette has the weirdest dating methods I've ever seen. Drag a guy into the freezing cold and chat to him about his messed up relationship with his Dad.

"I'm not really shocked about the fact that he's my father anymore." said Lloyd. "I mean, we both have a weird hatred of tomatoes..."

Colette said," But..."

"Origin's seal?"

"I'm sorry for bringing it up. But if he unleashes all the mana from his body, then not even he could..."

"Meh." shrugged Lloyd, who was wishing his teeth would stop chattering.

"And that's why we need to find a way to release Origin without Kratos losing his life! Just like the way you saved me, only I made it worse by refusing to mention I was turning into a giant crystal or telling you I was going to die in the first place."

Yeah, and he wanted to save the worlds too, Colette, don't get big-headed.

"...Colette."

"Is it okay if I move a little closer?"

"You just can't stop touching me, can you?" sighed Lloyd as Colette snuggled into him.

"This city is so beautiful, I don't ever want to see it destroyed!" said Colette, because ADD much?

"I won't let that happen."

Yeah, been doing a stellar job with that so far, huh, Lloyd? Iselia, Palmacosta, Luin, the Water, Wind and Fire Seals...

"Oh, here! I bought a Snow Bunny charm because I am so kawaii and precious. I got one for Altessa and one for you! They bring good luck, which I believe in because I am an idiot!"

"Gee, thanks!"

* * *

"Who's...there?"

Zelos walked in.

"Hey man, you awake?"

...Zelos, I'm surprised at you. That was a very stupid question.

"Actually, I'm sleep-walking. Night!"

"Whoa whoa, stop being such a tease and come out with me!"

"What?"

"...Into the snow, I mean."

Sure, Zelos, suuure.

Anyway, they went outside.

"...On that day, Meltokio had a record snowfall. It looked just like this city."

"What you talkin' bout all, Zelos?"

"Ah, just a story about the past. I suddenly felt like talking about it."

"Well, if you want to talk, I'm all ears."

Not literally of course. That would be disturbing.

"I was so excited to see snow for the first time, and I made a snowman in the garden with my mother. She was hot. Then suddenly, the snowman fell apart. Before I knew what was going on, red snow began to fall."

"...Red...snow?" said Lloyd, because he is slow.

"It was my mother's blood. She was murdered."

"..." said Lloyd. Again with the total lack of sympathy!

"As she fell, she grabbed my shoulder and told me, "You should never have been born.""

"That's...that's horrible!"

Shouted Lloyd, redundantly.

"My mother probably loved somebody else. But because of the oracle from Cruxis, she had to marry the Chosen at the time-my father. And the old man had another woman as well, because being a heartless sex hound is totally hereditary."

"But none of that was your fault!"

"The magic that killed my mother was meant for me. They targeted me because I was the next Chosen. My mother was caught in the crossfire. The one who tried to kill me was Seles' mother. It was the worst catfight EVER. They executed her and Seles was placed under house arrest in the abbey."

"So that's what happened." said Lloyd.

"I never wanted to be the Chosen. I spent every moment of my life wishing I could just run away, preferably into some chick's bed."

"...Chosens lead really difficult lives. I can only imagine what it's like. But I can still understand how hard it must be. But why did you suddenly decide to tell me?" asked Lloyd.

"I should've never been born." said Zelos, matter-of-factly.

"Wh...why do you say that?!"

"I'm not saying I still think that way now, because literally every woman in Tethe'alla would never have experienced the almighty hotness of the Great Zelos. But all my life, I've been rejected by my parents, shunned by the Church for being too fabulous, and viewed as a threat by the royal family...and for trying to get the Princess into bed ...I just wanted to run away."

"But you're here with us now, right?" asked Lloyd, because he is just full of dumbass questions tonight.

"I guess, but I get tired of how literally everything happens to you guys. Sometimes I think it'd just be easier if everything was destroyed."

Lloyd glared.

" Zelos! How can you say that?!"

"...Did I piss you off?"

"Hell yes! Of course! It'd be a huge problem for me if everything was destroyed."

Face. Palm.

"I refuse to vanish. And so I don't want anyone else to be destroyed...I want you to live, too, Zelos. "

" ...I think I'm gonna cry."

Thank you, Zelos. I'm going to drown in this slush soon.

"Don't make fun of what I'm saying, even if it is ridiculous and cheesier than all hell! Tomorrow, once we're sure that Altessa is okay, I'm going to challenge Mithos to a final battle. But if that's the way you feel, I'll be too worried to bring you along. You could break a nail!"

" You're going to fight? Do you really think you can unite the worlds?"

I can and I will. I'm not going to run away."

"All right, all right. I hear ya. I swear, your fervent enthusiasm is enough to melt all the snow in Flanoir. ...I'm in. anyway, let's get back. It's way too cold out here."

Zelos wandered off, complaining about how he didn't bring his moisturizer to Flanoir with him. Lloyd suddenly glanced at the floor.

"Hmm? Did Zelos drop this? Hey, there's a letter attached..."

_This is a symbol of my trust. Hang on to it for me, okay? I don't have the right to ask for your forgiveness, but I still want you to forgive me. P.S. Don't tell the others._

Writing vaguely-suicidal letters to a clueless Lloyd. Zelos, are you copying Colette's shtick?

"What the...Man, what the heck is he trying to say? He should make it easier to understand!" whined Lloyd.

_The Chosen's Orb was found!_ _And that is not an innuendo.  
_

* * *

Suddenly, Lloyd heard footprints in the snow and looked up.

"You!"

"Oh."

Plothole Girl blushed. She was wearing a customized winter-outfit of a lined cape, leggings and longer gloves. She had some hot chocolate in her hands.

"Sup, Lloyd?"

"What are you doing here?" asked Lloyd. "What plothole was there this time?"

"I do have a life outside of you people, you know!" Plothole Girl said. "I'm on holiday!"

"Oh. By the way, who are you and why do you appear everywhere we are?"

"I go where Plotholes go! It is my destiny as Plothole Girl!" Plothole Girl said, striking a pose. "When your journey is over, I'll find a new story to dramatically appear in for the sole purpose of pointing out plots! Think of me as like a Summon Spirit of the Narrative."

"So wait, once we defeat Mithos, we'll never see you again?"

"Not unless my boss decides to play Dawn of a New World, no."

"Your boss? Dawn of a new what?"

Plothole Girl looked a bit nervous.

"Um, nothing! I have to go; I'm breaking the Fourth Wall Space-Continuum talking to you!"

She went to run off, and then paused and handed something to Lloyd.

"Here, you look cold. Good luck on your future endeavors!"

And she vanished.

_Lloyd acquired Plot-Chocolate!_

* * *

Once morning broke over the snowy city, Lloyd, Sheena, Colette and Zelos left the inn, but unfortunately not quite from the sexy scenario Zelos was hoping for.

"Guys!" Lloyd shouted as he saw Raine, Genis, Presea and Regal. "How's Altessa?"

"It seems that he's out of danger." Raine said. "Citizens of Mizuho have agreed to watch over him for the time being."

"Good. I need to speak with everyone. We're going to go rushing to strike Cruxis first, because despite my supposed character development I still want to blindly charge in without thinking! I have two objectives to make this sound better; Preventing Mithos' Age of Lifeless Beings and releasing Origin's seal."

"But what about Kratos?" Colette asked, because I swear she's got a freaking Electra complex or something. Is she not tired of talking about Kratos yet?

"I don't know yet, we have no idea if he'll actually die because we never do any research on these things until it's too late." Shrugged Lloyd.

"What about the Eternal Sword? You can't wield it, remember? And I doubt Genis or I could use it because only main characters can have swords." Raine said.

Zelos smirked and flipped his hair.

"Don't worry about that girl, I got you."

"What are you talking about?" sighed Sheena.

"Why do you think I can use magic swords? I had magical injections with the latest Tethe'allan technology, which isn't suspicious at all since this has never been mentioned before! In other words, I'm human with elven blood in me…and you could be a human with me in-"

Sheena smacked Zelos upside the head.

"Then I guess this will be the final battle."

"Understood. Let us end this." Said Presea.

"I'll do my best, too!" chirped Colette, randomly.

"Oh yeah, Colette, I think you should stay behind." Said Lloyd.

Colette actually sounded confused.

"Why?"

"Because they want you to be Martel's vessel, stupid! We'll have either the Renegades or the people of Mizuho hide you."

_Colette acquired the title, "Get back in the kitchen!"_

But maybe the fourth wall is getting weaker these days, because for the first damn time in the story, Colette actually grew a will of her own and decided to go against Lloyd's opinion and shook her head.

"No, I'm coming too!"

"…But…"

Zelos snorted.

"Heh. Oh, I get it. You don't think you can protect her. That is so sad." He mocked, even though I don't think that this should be considered a fault of Lloyd's; Yggdrasill is four-thousand years old and has an _army,_ and why shouldn't Colette protect _herself?_ But just to hammer in this subtle anti-feminism a bit more, "Don't worry Colette, I, the Great Zelos, swear to protect you!"

"Zelos!" yelled Lloyd.

"Take her along, Lloyd. They'll find her wherever she is because she'll just leave idiot-shaped holes in the wall or something."

"Wow, we have the same opinion for once. Sorry Lloyd, but I actually agree with Zelos this time." Sheena said.

Is it opposite day in Flanoir today or something?

"Alright, Colette can come with us, okay?"

Okay. While I understand the logic behind this, it also strikes me as really fucking dumb. I mean, it's been firmly established that, seven extra people or not, THEY CAN'T STOP CRUXIS from stealing Colette whenever they want. Colette has super strength, wings and Angel senses, and yet she's always getting herself either kidnapped or sick like a toddler. Yes, Lloyd and co-managed to stop Pronyma at Mount Fuji, but it was implied Kratos and Yuan both knew that Colette was sick anyway. And Yuan basically said he wanted Lloyd, while Pronyma wanted Colette, Yuan might have helped her if Kratos hadn't turned up. Kratos also is much stronger than Pronyma and they're essentially waltzing straight into enemy base, just like they did last time. Genis even pointed out that they even gathered all the ingredients Cruxis needed to cure Colette for them because they just blindly went along with what Kratos said. I'm beginning to think they should have just let Cruxis kidnap her anyway; it would have cut down half the backtracking. (Hell, Rodyle probably would have given Colette back if they had waited long enough, since he wanted to use the Mana Canon and Colette's Cruxis Crystal couldn't work). The only reason they managed to leave last time is because they were allowed to leave by Yggdrasill. (They did sneak past the other Angels, but it seems likely that was deliberate and since Yggdrasill was Mithos, he only chased them because it would have been suspicious for him not to). But yeah, it seems like basically, they figure Cruxis will find Colette wherever they go so they're just going to giftwrap her and hand her over right over. How thoughtful.

"Thank you, Lloyd." Colette gushed, even if it ought to be Zelos she should be thanking for persuading Lloyd. Ahh, priorities.

Actually, it occurs to me; why not leave Colette with Yuan? Yuan's definitely powerful enough to hold back most of what Cruxis can throw at him, short of Yggdrasill himself or possibly Kratos (hey, he held him off okay in the Tower of Mana, and Yggdrasill would be busy trying to stop Lloyd from reviving the Great Seed.) Plus Yuan has a hard-to-reach base, Renegade minions and also has Mizuho working with them now. An army of, you know, ninjas would be handy when it comes to hiding someone.

Sadly, the group are too stupid to think of that (Raine, I expected better of you) but anyway, on with the plot.

"Does Tethe'alla really have technology like that?" Sheena asked, finally someone is displaying some common sense.

"It sure does…for some weird reason."  
…He's not even trying to sound convincing here, is he?

"Alright! Let's go kick some Cruxis butt, Lloyd!" Zelos cheered.

"…Zelos."

"Hm?"

"I trust you." Said Lloyd, dramatically.

"What? Well of course I understand you're totally in awe of my swag! Just place your faith in me!"

"Faith, huh."

"Yeah, yeah. Now let's go!"

Haha, you guys didn't think it was going to be that easy, did you?

Silly Rabbit, now it's time for side-quests!

_Zelos gained the title "Better than you, Kratos!"_

* * *

I know, Plot-Chocolate was a cheap joke, but I liked it too much not to include it.

Thanks for reading!


End file.
